What is going on with my heart?

Blain · Oct 24, 2014

As some of you know I have a very low opinion of myself and usually I am not that affected by it and simply have that usual positive outlook on life and faith. Really I am an optimistic person but lately sadness has been hitting me heard, not the usual kind either the kind that hurts my heart and I cry. I notice how I can see through God's eyes when it comes to others, I can easily see the treasures they are how deeply he loves and cares for them regardless of what they have done who they are or were and I can easily see how far he is willing to go for just one of them.
Yet for me all I can see inside me is darkness sin and filthiness, I can't see through God's eyes for me at all. In fact I often wonder when God sees me what does he see? when he thinks about Blain what does he think? when he talks about Blain what does he say? and I fear of the answer because i fear that he would be disapointed or would see and think of me like my family does.

Honestly I am so sorry for the person I am and the things I have done and I know what my family thinks of me and what they say behind my back and I am starting to think they are right. I have always been the screw up in my family and I continue to be this immature irresponsible screw up, being this with my family is one thing and it hurts believe me but if I am like this to God that alone will bring me to tears.
It would be better if I didn't live with my family because then things would much easier for them but I couldn't burden anyone else with me, I couldn't stand to make someone have to deal with me and all my problems.
It's really strange though I haven't cried like this in forever and I wasn't depressed because I had God, and this sadness that is like a knife to my heart that brings me to tears is new or at least new since I was saved.

Maybe the enemy is using my family and my feelings against idk but my mom is always so angry and irritated at me and all I am is a disapointiment to her and my family and with good reason. I feel so alone and sad because all I want is a loving happy family and for me to actually be a good person and to not be a screw up. I wish I could see Jesus again and to have him hold me say all kinds of good things to make me know and feel that I am loved deeply and that I am actually good enough, but I haven't seen in him in a year at least or maybe more i don't remember the exact timing and back then he didn't really speak to much.

Joidevivre · Oct 25, 2014

Blain - first of all, all of us are screwed up before God. That is why he gives us His righteousness - his purity - his goodness.
And gives us His mercy. All of us see the sin that will always be a part of our nature. But it is covered by His blood. And God doesn't see it.

This isn't something you always feel - it is just something you must believe. This is faith. You have been basing a lot of what you believe on "feelings" and "experiences". They come and go. The important thing is just to believe what the bible says regardless of how you feel about yourself.

Re-read Romans, Galations and Ephesians. Read those books aloud. Hear yourself say the words about His grace.

All the words that your mother has spoken about you is like a blackboard in your mind and you keep them before you. Imagine yourself picking up an eraser and erasing all those words. Nothing there. Now replace those words with what God says about you since you are now a child of His and belong to Christ.

Begin to praise Him for everything that is good about you. That you have a compassionate nature. That He has given you the capacity to love Him. That you are forgiven. That you are pure in His eyes because of the free gift of Christ's righteousness given to you. That you are a kind person. That you have the Holy Spirit in you. That He will comfort you. For the health that you have. For a heart he has given you to love others. For His plans for your future. Praise even though you don't feel like it.

God manifests His presence the more you praise Him. You will start to feel once again His closeness to you.

God bless your sleep tonight.

Joi

ChristIsGod · Oct 25, 2014

Joidevivre said:

Blain - first of all, all of us are screwed up before God. That is why he gives us His righteousness - his purity - his goodness.
And gives us His mercy. All of us see the sin that will always be a part of our nature. But it is covered by His blood. And God doesn't see it.

This isn't something you always feel - it is just something you must believe. This is faith. You have been basing a lot of what you believe on "feelings" and "experiences". They come and go. The important thing is just to believe what the bible says regardless of how you feel about yourself.

Re-read Romans, Galations and Ephesians. Read those books aloud. Hear yourself say the words about His grace.

All the words that your mother has spoken about you is like a blackboard in your mind and you keep them before you. Imagine yourself picking up an eraser and erasing all those words. Nothing there. Now replace those words with what God says about you since you are now a child of His and belong to Christ.

Begin to praise Him for everything that is good about you. That you have a compassionate nature. That He has given you the capacity to love Him. That you are forgiven. That you are pure in His eyes because of the free gift of Christ's righteousness given to you. That you are a kind person. That you have the Holy Spirit in you. That He will comfort you. For the health that you have. For a heart he has given you to love others. For His plans for your future. Praise even though you don't feel like it.

God manifests His presence the more you praise Him. You will start to feel once again His closeness to you.

God bless your sleep tonight.

Joi

Amen! Good words.

psychomom · Oct 25, 2014

Blain, you've heard the voice of Law:
God demands perfection. you're not perfect.

now hear the other word God speaks...Gospel. ♥

Christ's perfection is yours!
God's unconditional declaration that He justifies the ungodly!

Jesus IS your Father's uninterrupted "I love you, Blain. You are mine."

i love you, too. g'night.

ChristIsGod · Oct 25, 2014

psychomom said:

Blain, you've heard the voice of Law:
God demands perfection. you're not perfect.

now hear the other word God speaks...Gospel. ♥

Christ's perfection is yours!
God's unconditional declaration that He justifies the ungodly!

Jesus IS your Father's uninterrupted "I love you, Blain. You are mine."

i love you, too. g'night.

Amen.

Group Hug with Jesus!

Powemm · Oct 25, 2014

Blaine you know what I see? I see you scooped up in the palm of gods hands in a fetal position.. I see the tenderness of a father holding his creation in them... looking upon you with all the love he has for you when the thought of you came to his mind to breathe his very own breath into your lungs.. perhaps the grieving you feel might be the "exact pain" he feels knowing you feel this way about his creativity and thoughts of forming you.. you are perfectly and wonderfully made by a father who knew you before you were ever in your mothers womb..(He fore knew you)before you ever came to be..whenever I am hurting like you are now... I stop and ask god... my goodness! is this what "you feel" when we do these things towards you? Coming to this place with god with anything that grieves me or joys me.. I can instantly feel like im in gods heart.. relating closely to him .. you are his creation my brother. Never has there been anyone like you, nor is there anyone currently alive like you, and never will there ever be anyone else ever created like you again... now tell me again his thumbprint, signature, stamp of approval isnt in that kind of genius.. I've walked many times in the world alone..
and when I get to where you are i immediately remind myself... I am as rare as a part of God's thumbprint.. and my friend we all are.. you are so ingeniously thought of that he made you especially for his enjoyment.. you are a display of "HIs splendor!"...so when you get rejected, cast out, tossed to the way side, ignored, ridiculed or whatever else the enemy tries to throw at you.. you remember this..... you are being set apart for his enjoyment.. he delights in you so much that he wants you all to himself all by himself.. none of what's happening is a bad thing.. its actually a very good thing .. what I've come too is this...others rejection only means more "time" for god.. he is well pleased with you and knows everything about you... everything I know you've gone through is actually a shared suffering with him.. he went there before you... now is the time to relate to him in it... my god my god is this what you have gone through for me? Is this the suffering you went through? And to deepen that. Multiply it by all of us and then try to relate to that...his love pours out like a waterfall on you when I look at hisnpoint n of view like this...

Angelique · Oct 25, 2014

ChristIsGod said:

Hey dont forget me and mine in the group hug!!!!!

Powemm · Oct 25, 2014

Lifting you up... you are perfectly in his care ")

ChristIsGod · Oct 25, 2014

Angelique said:

Jesus Loves US, this we Know
cuz the Bible tells us so ....
little ones [us] to Him Belong
we are weak but HE is STRONG.

Yes, Jesus Love us ~ Yes, Jesus Loves us ..........

Group Hug!

Skinski7 · Oct 25, 2014

Blain said:

Don't suppress the conviction that God is working in you. If you are being honest and see darkness and filthiness in your heart then you are beginning to come to terms that you have a problem.

Don't let the smooth words of others quell this conviction...

example...

The sentiment in the above quote may be sincere and well meaning but it is antichrist to the core. That sentiment is telling you not to be concerned about the iniquity that abides in your heart, not to worry about it, just trust in Jesus because God pretends that the purity of Jesus is your purity.

It's a lie. God does not do that. The purpose of the Gospel is to cleanse us and redeem us from such a filthy state.

Look at what the Bible teaches...

Tit 2:12 Teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly, in this present world;
Tit 2:13 Looking for that blessed hope, and the glorious appearing of the great God and our Saviour Jesus Christ;
Tit 2:14 Who gave himself for us, that he might redeem us from all iniquity, and purify unto himself a peculiar people, zealous of good works.
Tit 2:15 These things speak, and exhort, and rebuke with all authority. Let no man despise thee.

In individual redeemed from all iniquity and purified is not inwardly filthy, in darkness or evil anymore. They have been rescued from that state.

God wants to...

Act 26:18 To open their eyes, and to turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan unto God, that they may receive forgiveness of sins, and inheritance among them which are sanctified by faith that is in me.

If one is inwardly wicked and in darkness then they are under the power of Satan, not God. God rescues us from that state, not positionally but in reality.

That is why a Christian can...

2Pe 3:14 Wherefore, beloved, seeing that ye look for such things, be diligent that ye may be found of him in peace, without spot, and blameless.

Jesus said...

Mat 5:8 Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.

Are you pure in heart? If not why not?

Faith purifies the heart. Faith does not leave us inwardly wicked.

Act 15:9 And put no difference between us and them, purifying their hearts by faith.

The purpose of the commandment is purity.

1Ti 1:5 Now the end of the commandment is charity out of a pure heart, and of a good conscience, and of faith unfeigned:

Paul meant it when he wrote those words. The end or purpose of the commandment is love out of a pure heart, a good conscience and genuine faith.

You are looking into your heart and not seeing that. Why? It is because you have not repented of your sin. I mean a real repentance. A repentance that does this...

Tertullian

Paul wrote it like this...

2Co 7:10 For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death.
2Co 7:11 For behold this selfsame thing, that ye sorrowed after a godly sort, what carefulness it wrought in you, yea, what clearing of yourselves, yea, what indignation, yea, what fear, yea, what vehement desire, yea, what zeal, yea, what revenge! In all things ye have approved yourselves to be clear in this matter.

Look up the word "clear" in the Greek. It means PURE.

Godly sorrow working repentance produces an inward cleansing whereby the iniquity within the heart is purged out. It is THEN (after this has occurred) that God forgives our past sins. That is why the Bible says this...

Act 3:19 Repent ye therefore, and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, when the times of refreshing shall come from the presence of the Lord;

There can be no true conversion without a true repentance.

Look more scriptures...

Isa 1:16 Wash you, make you clean; put away the evil of your doings from before mine eyes; cease to do evil;

Jas 4:7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
Jas 4:8 Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded.
Jas 4:9 Be afflicted, and mourn, and weep: let your laughter be turned to mourning, and your joy to heaviness.
Jas 4:10 Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up.

Peter wrote to baby Christians...

1Pe 1:22 Seeing ye have purified your souls in obeying the truth through the Spirit unto unfeigned love of the brethren, see that ye love one another with a pure heart fervently:
1Pe 1:23 Being born again, not of corruptible seed, but of incorruptible, by the word of God, which liveth and abideth for ever.

Unfeigned love out of a pure heart, that is the purpose of the commandment.

If you believe in a salvation which leaves you in a state of inward wretchedness then you are believing in a false salvation. It is better to face the reality of that and let God do His work in you convicting you of your true state and that hell is what awaits you. It is only through coming to terms with the reality of the situation that godly fear can be produced out of which a godly sorrow can be produced working a genuine change of mind (repentance) where we wholeheartedly yield to God. It is through that process we may be saved.

If what I am saying is not true then why would Paul say...

Rom 6:17 But God be thanked, that ye were the servants of sin, but ye have obeyed from the heart that form of doctrine which was delivered you.
Rom 6:18 Being then made free from sin, ye became the servants of righteousness.

Obedience from the heart effects a deliverance from sin. Why? Because obedience to the doctrine delivered is obedience to the doctrine according to godliness...

1Ti 6:3 If any man teach otherwise, and consent not to wholesome words, even the words of our Lord Jesus Christ, and to the doctrine which is according to godliness;

John wrote this...

1Jn 3:18 My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth.
1Jn 3:19 And hereby we know that we are of the truth, and shall assure our hearts before him.
1Jn 3:20 For if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart, and knoweth all things.
1Jn 3:21 Beloved, if our heart condemn us not, then have we confidence toward God.
1Jn 3:22 And whatsoever we ask, we receive of him, because we keep his commandments, and do those things that are pleasing in his sight.
1Jn 3:23 And this is his commandment, That we should believe on the name of his Son Jesus Christ, and love one another, as he gave us commandment.
1Jn 3:24 And he that keepeth his commandments dwelleth in him, and he in him. And hereby we know that he abideth in us, by the Spirit which he hath given us.

Does your heart condemn you Blain? Do you keep His commandments? Do you DO those things which are pleasing in His sight?

Meditate on the scripture and yield yourself completely to God's lead. You'll come out of the darkness into the glorious light and you have confidence towards God and your relationship with Him because your heart will be clean and pure. You will KNOW Him for real and your eyes will be open.

Mem · Oct 25, 2014

Baby B, you wouldn't take the advice of a fool anymore than you should take his judgment. A wise mother would NOT say, "My child is no good," she would say, "If my child is no good, it is because I have been no good as a mother". We always have the freedom to accept or reject what anybody else says about us, good or bad, and we certainly don't judge what God thinks about us by anyone else but Him. That is like going by what Moe told you I said when I am right here to ask for clarification.

Even when correcting us, He does so lovingly. All I can say is that He must have trusted you with that much more than others to have given you such a burden to bear. But don't forget that He is there bearing it with you, and will carry you all the way to that glorious ... whats the word...because its not end.... um....arrival, yeah, that's the word.

And when you get there, whether you like it or not, you are going to have to make room at his feet for me!

ChristIsGod · Oct 25, 2014

Brother Blain, in your other thread that I enjoyed this night here http://christianchat.com/bible-discussion-forum/101549-heart-lord.html#post1740795 I posted the link to a Audio Daily Devotional and I've had it on, even now while I'm online, to be "built up" by HIS Words.

I'm listening to just the "Daily Light" reading and letting it go from January 1st and because it's Just The Word and is getting into my spirit and doing what HE has intended.
I like to listen to Just Scripture when I sleep as well and this Daily Light is very strengthening.

Try it Devotional Audios for everyday of the year
God Bless all!

CRC · Oct 25, 2014

“God Is Greater Than Our Hearts”
“By this we shall know that we originate with the truth, and we shall assure our hearts before him as regards whatever our hearts may condemn us in, because God is greater than our hearts and knows all things.” Why did John write these words?—1 John 3:19, 20.
God knows our inborn weaknesses and shortcomings, and he takes these into account. “He himself well knows the formation of us, remembering that we are dust,” wrote David. God realizes the impact our background has in making us what we are. In fact, he knows us far better than we know ourselves.—Psalm 103:14.
He knows that many of us would like to be different, but we are unable to overcome our imperfections. Our situation could be compared to that of the apostle Paul, who wrote: “The good that I wish I do not do, but the bad that I do not wish is what I practice.” All of us are engaged in the same struggle. In some cases this may result in our having a self-condemning heart.—Romans 7:19.
Always remember this: More important than how we view ourselves is how God views us. Whenever he sees us trying to please him, he reacts not simply with mild satisfaction but with rejoicing. (Proverbs 27:11) Though what we achieve may seem to be relatively little in our own eyes, our willingness and good motive delight him. He looks beyond what we accomplish; he discerns what we want to do; he is aware of our wishes and desires. God can read our heart.—Jeremiah 12:3; 17:10.

Brainfreeze · Oct 25, 2014

Blain said:

Yeah Blain, I love you buddy, but you get down on yourself a lot, and God doesn't give us feelings of pain, darkness and sin, He gives us just the opposite, because we have victory over these things, and we should take joy in the truth and helping others. why do you feel like a screw up? If your saved and know God has your back when your doing the right things, you should have confidence in that. God calls us to be strong not weak, be love not hate, be saved, not feelings of lost. Keep God on your mind and not what anyone thinks of you but Him, I seen you say in the "numbers" argument, that you would like to learn how to turn the letters in the Bible to numbers, just because everyone else was doing it, you seem to take pride in your relationships here, why not take pride in relationship with Christ? I'm sure God loves you Blain, but wants your undivided attention, I will pray for you.

Brainfreeze · Oct 25, 2014

Joidevivre said:

Ms.Joi, I liked your comment at first, because it came from a place of love, but your views of seeing yourself "sinning nature" is just not true. If we are living right by God, we would walk by the Spirit, not by flesh. We would want nothing to do with are carnal minds ( why it's called dying to self ). If we have to indulge in self, we are not living Godly lives. I won't debate this here, it looks as if Blain needs some help, and words of encouragement, not telling him to dwell in his sinful ways...

love for all
bf

RickyZ · Oct 25, 2014

Blain said:

As some of you know I have a very low opinion of myself and usually I am not that affected by it and simply have that usual positive outlook on life and faith. Really I am an optimistic person but lately sadness has been hitting me heard, not the usual kind either the kind that hurts my heart and I cry.I notice how I can see through God's eyes when it comes to others, I can easily see the treasures they are how deeply he loves and cares for them regardless of what they have done who they are or were and I can easily see how far he is willing to go for just one of them.

Welcome to a Prophet's heart my friend

Yet for me all I can see inside me is darkness sin and filthiness, I can't see through God's eyes for me at all. In fact I often wonder when God sees me what does he see? when he thinks about Blain what does he think? when he talks about Blain what does he say? and I fear of the answer because i fear that he would be disapointed or would see and think of me like my family does.

I know what He'll think and say in the end - well done my faithful servant

Honestly I am so sorry for the person I am and the things I have done and I know what my family thinks of me and what they say behind my back and I am starting to think they are right. I have always been the screw up in my family and I continue to be this immature irresponsible screw up, being this with my family is one thing and it hurts believe me but if I am like this to God that alone will bring me to tears.
It would be better if I didn't live with my family because then things would much easier for them but I couldn't burden anyone else with me, I couldn't stand to make someone have to deal with me and all my problems.
It's really strange though I haven't cried like this in forever and I wasn't depressed because I had God, and this sadness that is like a knife to my heart that brings me to tears is new or at least new since I was saved.

So, for 20 years you were the family screw up (or so they say). 2 years ago you met Jesus, and now your eyes are open to the past, and you are feeling remorse in confession of these things. Sounds like you are right on track to me. Oh and to quote an old friend of mine... I can easily see the treasures they are how deeply He loves and cares for them regardless of what they have done who they are or were

Maybe the enemy is using my family and my feelings against idk but my mom is always so angry and irritated at me and all I am is a disapointiment to her and my family and with good reason. I feel so alone and sad because all I want is a loving happy family and for me to actually be a good person and to not be a screw up. I wish I could see Jesus again and to have him hold me say all kinds of good things to make me know and feel that I am loved deeply and that I am actually good enough, but I haven't seen in him in a year at least or maybe more i don't remember the exact timing and back then he didn't really speak to much.

You know that's not true about not seeing Jesus. I understand what you mean by that, He spent three years literally by my side and no I don't have that anymore. But He's still here, in His Holy Spirit Who walks now by your side, day by day. Use that to change and show your family that what they taunt about is no more. I remember you at first wanted to be a knight for Christ - I steered you more to the prophet thing, which it seems you have achieved at least in vision and compassion for others. Now is the time to take on that knighthood; rise from your confessions to take up your armor and like I told someone in another thread go do some real damage. The enemy fears you, that's why he strikes you. Show him the fear of Christ in you. And make him back away. From yourself, your family, and those God fills you with compassion for.

God bless you my friend. God hears your supplications; now rise and go forth in His power to slay the enemy Sir Blain.

Dan58 · Oct 25, 2014

Without knowing any specifics, I'd just recommend trying to effect positive change. First identify the problem. What's causing your self-incrimination, lowering your self-esteem, and ticking your family off? Then begin working to reverse the negative things that are bringing you down. Doing good makes you feel good, even if progress might be slow. Drowning in self-pity will only perpetuate the problem, so don't dwell on how bad things are, but how good they can be. Every phase of life has its challenges, so get mad at the problem and use your anger to overcome them.

And God is not your accuser, repent and your forgiven. Self-condemnation implies that you may not believe that? Sounds like its time to pull yourself up by the bootstraps. Don't let your family make you feel bad, give your mother a valium and tell her your working at turning things around, whatever those things might be? You say you don't want to bring others down or disappoint them, so don't. Time to step-up to the plate, forgive yourself and attack the problems. I know its easier said than done, but take that first step and good luck.

Blain · Oct 25, 2014

hey everyone sorry for my op I was in a very sad situation. my mom was mad at me again and i often times blame myself for things, I think last night I was under spiritual attack because even though I sometimes think and feel these things lately out of nowhere these feelings and thoughts are enhanced. And honestly this whole depressed thing simply isn't like me at all, I am mostly a happy positive and energetic person so I can't help but wonder if I am under some sort of spiritual attack. But anyways I am doing much better now the wave of sadness and self loathing is over and I appreciate all the encouragement and also the correction and conviction.

Joidevivre · Oct 25, 2014

Brainfreeze said:

Ms.Joi, I liked your comment at first, because it came from a place of love, but your views of seeing yourself "sinning nature" is just not true. If we are living right by God, we would walk by the Spirit, not by flesh. We would want nothing to do with are carnal minds ( why it's called dying to self ). If we have to indulge in self, we are not living Godly lives. I won't debate this here, it looks as if Blain needs some help, and words of encouragement, not telling him to dwell in his sinful ways...UNQUOTE

I probably didn't make myself clear. As Paul wrote in Romans, we have both the flesh (our sinful nature), and we have the Holy Spirit. We are to choose to walk by the Spirit (which I try to do). I try not to give in to my sinful nature. But without seeing that it will always be part of me, I would not so very much appreciate the mercy God gives to me at all times.

I never told Blain to dwell in his sinful ways. But I was concerned that he feels he has to be perfect to be acceptable to God. That needed to be corrected.

Hope this clears things up bf.

jogoldie · Oct 25, 2014

Blain my young brother......I only know you by your words through these threads........so this is how I see you......
I think you are a kind and loving person......when others read what you have to say.....you give them encouragment..
I think you have great insight...especially for someone so young.......you edify us here....and I feel your future is
not as bleak as you think.......I think God has big plans for you.....you see what you feel now ....is trials for gathering
wisdom.....and when the dust clears you will be standing tall in your faith and you will continue to help our family
in Christ.....I look forward reading what you have to say ....and even this old lady learns from you......we need you
and we love you.......my family here on earth turned me away....calling me the black sheep too....im glad I didnt
listen to them.....they were wrong about me.....and didnt look clearly at me.....but I have my own family now...
and they think im great...(I still fall).....so if you ask me about my brother Blain I will tell others these things and
hope one day you will see them too......much love for you and may peace and joy find you soon.....jo

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