"Honor Your Parents" and when you can't

[atwhatcost]

I'm 59 years old and have always had to work on honoring Dad. Because of that we had a pretty good relationship. We still do except...

Well, now Dad has serious dementia. He tells me he had tomatoes in his garden last year, but he hasn't had a garden in a decade. He tells me he mows his lawn often, but he hasn't touched the lawn mower in a couple of years. He tells me he jumps in the hot tub. Thank God he doesn't because it's not black with water. It's just utterly, totally black inside. He's become a recluse, a hoarder, and is living on alcohol only, as in he hasn't eaten food in weeks.

So, practical question on honoring Dad. I haven't argued with Dad since I was 22. No purpose. He has always heard what he would hear, so he never heard me disagreeing even when I am nicely disagreeing. My oldest brother wants us all united in telling Dad it's time to find a safer place to live and get help. Well, he shouts at his youngest two kids (and by kids, they're still adults, but in their late 20's and early 30's), he simply shuts down when oldest brother tells him the truth, and I'm really out of practice on trying to get Dad to hear truth. Mostly, I'm a bit kerflummoxed on what "honor" means in this case.

Anyone want to enlighten me? I really hate the idea of yelling at him, particularly since I know he's feeling very vulnerable, but no one should have to live like he does, so maybe I should to get through.

(Side note: Yes we know about POA, my oldest brother has that, but he does not want to go in front of a judge with Dad in the room to tell these people how bad Dad is.) This isn't a legal question. This is a "What does the Bible say?" question.

 

[MarcR]

IMO, the most honoring thing you can do is to act on your responsibility to care for and protect him.

If there is a reason (other than preference) why you or one of your sibs are unable to care for him in his or your own home; then it is time to get him professional help; and NOT neglect to visit him regularly.

 

[KennethC]

Honoring your parents means seeking out their well being as well, and like MarcR said that if you or your family member are unable to care for him then putting him in a facility is the best way to go. When doing this make sure you check into it before placing them there if that is the route you go to make sure they are operating at healthcare standards.

Yelling at him really will do no good if he is at the point that he can not really remember what he did just the day before, as that will be a never ending battle you will draw yourself into as you would have to do it each day.

 

[atwhatcost]

IMO, the most honoring thing you can do is to act on your responsibility to care for and protect him.

If there is a reason (other than preference) why you or one of your sibs are unable to care for him in his or your own home; then it is time to get him professional help; and NOT neglect to visit him regularly.

That's the problem. We want that. He refuses. Total denial he needs that, plus no memory left, so he completely forgets what anyone is talking about three seconds later. Kind of why brother wants a united front, but the only way Dad would hear me at this point, (because I simply haven't tried to keep going once he refuses to listen), is to shock him by yelling at him. I can't seem to think that's a good idea, seems down right disrespectful, and something like taking away a teddy bear from a little child. And in his case, it would be like taking away the teddy bear again and again every three seconds.

I will do it, if that's the best answer to protect him, but I don't know how far I'd get. I usually can't talk while sobbing.

 

[psychomom]

*hugs Lynn*

 

[JGIG]

That's the problem. We want that. He refuses. Total denial he needs that, plus no memory left, so he completely forgets what anyone is talking about three seconds later. Kind of why brother wants a united front, but the only way Dad would hear me at this point, (because I simply haven't tried to keep going once he refuses to listen), is to shock him by yelling at him. I can't seem to think that's a good idea, seems down right disrespectful, and something like taking away a teddy bear from a little child. And in his case, it would be like taking away the teddy bear again and again every three seconds.

I will do it, if that's the best answer to protect him, but I don't know how far I'd get. I usually can't talk while sobbing.

So, so, sorry. A most difficult, emotional situation to be sure.

The best way to honor your dad and love him well at this point is to make sure he's safe.

In this case, the Bible answer may be the legal answer.

If you're brother has POA, he's the one you need to be talking to about declaring your dad functionally incompetent and acquiring guardianship of him. Then things will get actually more difficult, as you siblings work out in a practical sense how/where your dad needs to live.

Please reach out to community resources - unfortunately there are others who have had to walk the path your family is walking, and they can help to guide you through the process and be a support to you.

And you can only do what you're permitted to do, limited either by your dad or by your brother. At that point, all you can do is to let them know of your willingness to help toward your dad being in a safe situation. Beyond that, sometimes the only way we can truly honor our parents is to pray for them.

Prayers for you and your family,
-JGIG

 

[RickyZ]

Approach him in love, with family and friends as witness, then get POA and do what you have to do. He's not going to like it and he's going to yell at you but as you already know yelling back isn't going to get thru to him. Nothing's getting thru to him, that's one of the issues with dementia. I know it doesn't seem honorable to do things like this against his will, but how honorable will it be when you find he really has jumped into that black-water Jacuzzi?

The honor for you in this is knowing that you didn't allow him to dishonor himself.

 

[cmarieh]

Lynn, I empathize with you on dealing with your father. If I remember correctly I posted a couple weeks ago my grandma was going through the same thing and it got to the point we couldn't take care of her anymore. She would throw things at people when we were trying to protect her. One thing to remember it is the disease that is causing him to act this way and believe me it is easier said than done, but you need to realize that in their mind they are still doing everything when in reality they aren't and it makes life easier if you play along with him because it causes much more anxiety to argue with him. God knows your heart and this situation and he will always be there to lean on.

Now for personal experience my mom has been unable to work for several years because her epilepsy caused her to have two seizures while behind the wheel and has had continual problems with it. Actually at the end of the month she has gone one year without any seizures and I give God all the praise and glory for this and is currently studying to take her drivers exam. Anyway, as a result of having so many seizures she became very temperamental and got to the point where she was verbally and physically abusive. My mom has always been a Godly woman and she got to the point of cussing me out and hitting me on a semi regular basis. Let me tell you, it hurt so bad to see the side effects of what the seizures would do. I was her primary caretaker due to my dad working full time from the day I graduated High School up to about a year ago and so for some reason she took everything out on me which I knew wasn't right, but because she was my mom I tried so hard to show her respect and honor even though it tore me apart and in some ways it still does. I know she never meant to hurt me and I will always love her because no matter what happened she was always there for me when I needed her and she taught me how to love like Jesus does and to respect others.

One thing that helped me was that I remembered the way it was before the seizures started and she was so loving, understanding, giving, the best mom and best friend a girl could ever ask for and I still feel that way. Lynn, don't be too concerned with how the present is affecting your relationship with your dad, but think of times when things were good before the diagnosis. You are in my prayers

 

[JesusLives]

Is there any way he would let someone stay at his house to watch out for him? Hired caregiver?