Christian Dating

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HonestlyHumbled

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#1
#1
Hi all

So as per my other posts, this is not a situation I am currently in but something I would like to ask. I have previously looked into it and asked opinions from other people over time. The bible has a lot of instructions about marriage and what to do in life and what not to do. Dating hasn't quite been covered other than sexual immorality.

So how do christian's date? The bible says nothing about kissing being wrong, but what if it causes immoral thoughts? Which I'm sure it will if you are kissing someone you're attracted to. It's natural. So then would kissing be wrong?

I've always been taught it is wrong for a couple to live together before marriage. It is also wrong to share the same bed. But what if there is no immorality between the two? I understand it will be harder to resist temptation, but is there a biblical reason other than that why a couple cannot share a bed or not live together?
 
GogoSkopje

GogoSkopje

Junior Member
#2
May 16, 2011
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Hello HonestlyHumbled,
The Bible says RUN from temptations, doesn't say try to resist or avoid. (2 Timothy 2:22) Also in (1 Corinthians 16:13) says "Be alert. Continue strong in the faith. Have courage and be strong" To be alert means what tempts you, so you can stay away from it. Personally for me, kissing or even worse, living together and sharing the same bad while couples are not married is wrong, because it will cause those temptations and soon or later they will fail to resist. So my point is, why should I put myself in a position that is risky and do something that is against what God has said, rather than staying clean and trusting God.
Thanks for this thread, it's an interesting topic and very popular among young Christians, I'd like to see other's opinions too.
GBU


 
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HonestlyHumbled

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#3
#3
I agree with what you say.
I was talking with a girl the other day. She is in a relationship with a youth pastor. He had come to visit her in her home. They kissed and she felt it was getting a bit "heated", she then told him he had to go and he agreed, so he left. If you lived together, where would you go? Your home should be your sanctuary.
This is just one of the things I found that the bible does not share much light on. A person will ask,"What does your heart say?". My heart keeps changing over time, I do not just want to trust my heart on matters.
I did some reading up some months ago, many sights offered advice for couples on ways to keep their relationship pure.

* Not living together
* Not meeting privately (meeting in groups)
* No naughty stuff (anything that involves contact with each others private areas)

But still. How does one court? (I love that word - lol). I would just end up saying do it the old fashioned way. But where is the scripture to that? Now if the couple were to only meet in groups (this is meant to keep them from sinning) how do they form a bond? Like one that is formed when just two people sit together?

A person can say, all is okay if you are not sinning. The bible is full of instructions, this topic is just a bit untouched. Or have times changed so much that it's just "us" that are the problem? Is it because arranged marriages were big then and people married without really knowing each other?
 
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Tintin

Guest
#4
#4
Dating is a reasonably modern concept, so the Bible doesn't address it. But it does say not to awaken love before its time and keep yourself for marriage. Yes, the Bible does say to run from temptations, but that's not always possible. It's best to think ahead, discuss biblical boundaries at the beginning of the relationship and agree on them and stick to them. It's also a very good idea to not put yourself in situations where you'll be tempted. This will be different for everyone. For me, kissing wouldn't be a huge issue, but sharing a bed and living together before marriage would be. The latter two aren't appropriate because they could easily lead to sexual exploration or even sex. There's not really anything more to it than that. Desire is a very powerful emotion and we have to be careful to channel it in a godly manner. Granted, I've only ever had one long-distance girlfriend and she called it off after half a year, so I'm not exactly a relationship guru. I think the main advice is to honour God first, your girlfriend/boyfriend second and yourself third.
 
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HonestlyHumbled

Guest
#5
#5
That does make sense. And I do agree.
Doing immoral things is shaming yourself AND your partner.
We all have different weaknesses. If you are not too sure about them, you can ask God to pray and show them to you. I do find when I ask for clarity on myself and my past God does do exactly that. God does want to help us be the best we can be.
This reminds me of a saying "Do not invite the devil in, the devil never declines". If you know there is even a slight chance or you are going somewhere you know immoral things take place, just rather stay away.
But I think modern technology could help in this case. As long as you keep it pure. You can have great conversations over emails and phone calls. Private ones. And you can meet in person in groups.
 
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Tintin

Guest
#6
#6
HonestlyHumbled said:
I did some reading up some months ago, many sights offered advice for couples on ways to keep their relationship pure.

* Not living together
* Not meeting privately (meeting in groups)
* No naughty stuff (anything that involves contact with each others private areas)

But still. How does one court? (I love that word - lol). I would just end up saying do it the old fashioned way. But where is the scripture to that? Now if the couple were to only meet in groups (this is meant to keep them from sinning) how do they form a bond? Like one that is formed when just two people sit together?

A person can say, all is okay if you are not sinning. The bible is full of instructions, this topic is just a bit untouched. Or have times changed so much that it's just "us" that are the problem? Is it because arranged marriages were big then and people married without really knowing each other?
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I agree with your first point. There's definitely time to interact with each other in groups, but it's absolutely necessary that you also have plenty of one-on-one time getting to know each other, forming deeper bonds etc. I suppose there could be an argument made for being able to do that in some quieter areas in public places eg. parks, but you can't really restrict all of your interactions with each other to just one location. I think learning self-control is an important step and prayerfully considering everything. And putting God first in your relationship.

As for your second point, Western society has definitely fallen away from its foundation of Christian values (if not always beliefs). And this leads to all kinds of conundrums. Yes, arranged marriages were big back then, but also people married much, much earlier than the average today. Bang! You hit puberty and then you were pretty much considered an adult and ready to be married at 13-15 years old (for the girls - I think it was a bit older for the guys). It's much easier to stay pure before marriage when you have that kind of culture, so that's why the Bible doesn't directly discuss sex before marriage (it wasn't really a thing back then). I'm not saying that to excuse our sex-worshipping culture, but to help in understanding the difference between their culture and ours.
 
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HonestlyHumbled

Guest
#7
#7
I think another factor is that men wanted to marry virgins. If a woman had been with a man she would of known a man would not of wanted her. We are more forgiving these days. We were all born with a sin nature. In these days and times many sins are considered a norm and there is a lot of peer pressure and media dictating what is "cool". Have you noticed that the ratings on movies have lowered? In South Africa they're trying to make this happen :
"A Bill that decriminalises sex between consenting adolescents has been signed into law.
Changes to the Criminal Law (Sexual Offences and Related Matters) Amendment Bill were adopted by the National Assembly last month.It states that children between the ages of 12 and 15 can consent to sexual acts with each other"
It is apparently meant to help with our police having too much work to do :/
What 12 year old knows anything about life. About marriage? Now in those days I'm sure being pregnant and 15 worked out fine. The citizens did not have years of school to get through and they got by without much money - They needed less. Kids need to go to school, go to college, find a job... etc.. etc.. (Gone off topic here)
I can imagine how tough it is to remain pure while going to college. Fresh out of school. A whole new world. "Everyone is doing it". I like your mention of sitting in a park. There are plenty of options. Like I will use where I live for example
1. Parks
2. Beaches
3. Church
4. Museum
5. Hiking trails

So the couple can have pure intimacy without falling. Just stay out of each others houses and any dark corners. lol
 
hornetguy

hornetguy

Senior Member
#8
Jan 18, 2016
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#8
There is a big difference between sin, and being unwise. I think most people know when passions are being aroused. I don't think God intended us to not ever touch, or kiss, or hug, etc... I think He expects us to use good judgment as to when to stop. Attraction and arousal are natural between two people.. it's God-created. But, He expects us to know where to draw the line.
Sharing the same bed, without sex? I think it's possible, if both parties are in agreement about where the line is drawn, but I think it's probably unwise, due to the nature of temptation.
 
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John146

Senior Member
#9
Jan 13, 2016
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Dating is not biblical, in other words, the Bible does not address dating relationships. On the other hand, dating is not un-biblical, to say the Bible specifically addresses not to do it. So proceed cautiously. A good start would be to obey what we have been given in 1 Corinthians 7:1-2, "Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband."

This certainly goes against the world but it's very plain in regards to how far is too far. It's kind of like alcohol: you'll never become an alcoholic if you never take that first drink.
 
Dino246

Dino246

Senior Member
#10
Jun 30, 2015
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#10
To the OP,

Only kiss people to whom you aren't attracted! :p

Seriously... kissing is quite intimate. How many of us (in a culture where familial or collegial kissing is not common practice) would kiss someone we didn't find attractive? I have heard teaching that even kissing should be avoided (from Matt Chandler I think), and though I don't necessarily hold to that, I understand what he's saying.

Ephesians 5:3 "But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity..."

Why? Because, we shall be judged by appearances, not by facts. If a Christian revealed that they "sleep with their boyfriend/girlfriend, but don't have sex", would I think that they are being dishonest? Probably; either that or just plain stupid for not avoiding temptation. What would the world think? That they are outright hypocritical liars and have no place from which to call others to repentance.

So what about dating specifically? I agree with setting boundaries early on, and sticking with them. But those boundaries need some latitude; I would want to assess a potential mate in a wide variety of situations, and I'm sure a wise woman would want to do the same with me. Taking a sexual "test drive" is not part of that.

So much of what we consider 'dating' is actually enjoying the intimacy of a marital relationship without the commitment (and I don't use 'intimacy' as a euphemism or synonym for sex). Couples who are seeking holiness and looking for a good choice of spouse aren't cuddling on the couch, kissing passionately, or "sleeping together without sex".

In addition to activities with or around others, they might make meals and eat together, walk or hike while talking, discuss Scripture or other books, and how they came to the conclusions they hold, take on practical projects, but keep the romance and physical connections quite limited. That should provide enough context to make a reasoned assessment as to whether the person is a good 'fit' for marriage or not. By allowing a relationship to get physical (and emotional) too soon, people only set themselves up for heartbreak and resentment when the assessment concludes with "no, thanks."
 
crossnote

crossnote

Senior Member
#13
Nov 24, 2012
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#13
Gee, I thought I had stumbled into the Singles Forum for a second :p
 
4enlightment

4enlightment

Banned
#14
May 15, 2013
4,307
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#14
HonestlyHumbled said:
Hi all

So as per my other posts, this is not a situation I am currently in but something I would like to ask. I have previously looked into it and asked opinions from other people over time. The bible has a lot of instructions about marriage and what to do in life and what not to do. Dating hasn't quite been covered other than sexual immorality.

So how do christian's date? The bible says nothing about kissing being wrong, but what if it causes immoral thoughts? Which I'm sure it will if you are kissing someone you're attracted to. It's natural. So then would kissing be wrong?

I've always been taught it is wrong for a couple to live together before marriage. It is also wrong to share the same bed. But what if there is no immorality between the two? I understand it will be harder to resist temptation, but is there a biblical reason other than that why a couple cannot share a bed or not live together?
Click to expand...
The Bible doesn't says nothing about dating, but it does says if you have sex with that person, then you are considered as one, even if it were with a prostitute. Paul was only giving advice to other members, but they weren't laws to followed; but there is one law that he advised everyone to followed, and that is to do the same for others what Jesus has done for us.
 
20

20

Senior Member
#15
Dec 15, 2015
351
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Bible give us more strictly instruction than kissing before marriage. KJV.Matthew5;28 But I say unto you, That whosoever lookeh at a women o lust after her has committed adultery with her in his heart. Real Christians obey Bible in every step in their life. They stay away from instructions of this World like dating. In some churches, young people ask pastors to find wifes for them.In this way, they believe that Father did for them in the perfect way.Its help them to live without sin before marriage and obtain their blessing from Father for future life in marriage.
 
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Chuckt

Guest
#16
#16
HonestlyHumbled said:
So how do christian's date? The bible says nothing about kissing being wrong, but what if it causes immoral thoughts? Which I'm sure it will if you are kissing someone you're attracted to. It's natural. So then would kissing be wrong?
Click to expand...
What kind of kiss? Specify what kind of kiss it is even if it is on the lips.
If a kiss leads to feelings of sex then is it wrong and isn't immorality wrong?

What isn't natural? Lead is natural but isn't healthy for our bodies.

The whole thing is this. People are putting the whole sex thing like kissing ahead of a relationship.
Then people get married and hormone levels in women change. Hormones go down and so many women have a sexless marriage after that.

Then people have based marriage upon physical relations or attractions and after kids or a certain age, the woman feels like she is bored in some women as they say, "it is just sex". A lot of women don't want it after a certain age.

So something you based the relationship on is gone and people will want a divorce. And there are kids stuck in the marriage. How should they feel? People get damaged in the divorce and basically God knows more about what a relationship should be than people that haven't been through it.
 
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mpaper345

Banned
#17
Feb 9, 2010
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#17
It is alright to date a person,as long as it is not intimate,in a sexual way,which would include kissing,because that would be a source of temptation on their part,which God did not say you can steal a piece of bubblegum,but do not steal a car.If a couple is not married,they should have no intimate contact at all.

Could they hold hands would seem harmless to some people,but I believe they could not even hold hands,for that is not 2 people on a date,but that suggests more of an intimate nature between them.No intimacy whatever that is outside of 2 people only enjoying each others company,and conservation.Anything else beside that is them getting close to each other in a way they should not do.

But dating,within the boundaries of the Bible,whether the intention is wanting to get to know each other for possible marriage,or only wanting to hang around each other,would be okay,and you have to date someone,and hang around them,if you are wanting to know someone that you are interested in marrying,because you have to get to know them first.

I do not see why 2 people that are Christians would want to share the same bed,as far as living together God may see it as a temptation situation.

So can you actually have a girlfriend,or boyfriend,at all,which it would seem like seeing there is no intimacy,that you could not say that,because then they are only friends,although close friends,but you could say you are engaged to the person.

It would appear that there is no such thing as a girlfriend,or boyfriend,to a Christian,because if there is no intimacy whatsoever,they would only be close friends at best,for they would only conduct themselves like friends,at best.

I do not know if the term girl,or boyfriend,in actuality,could apply.Is there such a thing,when at best they would only be friends,although they like to hang around that person,but I do not think they could label themselves that,for their conduct with that person,should be the same as all people they hang around with,nothing different.

I do not believe they can label themselves that,for to label themselves that would apply,that there is something different between them,than with other people,which if they are not married,their relationship should be the same with all people.
 
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Joidevivre

Joidevivre

Senior Member
#18
Jul 15, 2014
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#18
Before our marriage over 55 years ago, we kissed and kissed and kissed and kissed and even kissed some more. We loved each other and knew we would be married.

I could tell by his kisses that he would be considerate, gentle, passionate, and even creative. And it never hurt our marriage that we didn't wait. Our marriage was truly blessed.

Dating people should do what they feel is right for them.

Like the doctor's slogan 'Do no harm'. To yourself or to the other person. Or to what you value.

(Now I feel like I've totally disrupted this thread)
 
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Chuckt

Guest
#19
#19
Joidevivre said:
Before our marriage over 55 years ago, we kissed and kissed and kissed and kissed and even kissed some more. We loved each other and knew we would be married.

I could tell by his kisses that he would be considerate, gentle, passionate, and even creative. And it never hurt our marriage that we didn't wait. Our marriage was truly blessed.

Dating people should do what they feel is right for them.

Like the doctor's slogan 'Do no harm'. To yourself or to the other person. Or to what you value.

(Now I feel like I've totally disrupted this thread)
Click to expand...
My wife believes Christians should kiss before their marriage because she was at a wedding where the groom kissed the bride and the kiss was all it took to lose control and attack the bride which was embarrassing. Some people do not have self control which would lead to sex if the other person permitted it.
 
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