Marrying Unbelievers?

[Kevron]

I am currently engaged to a Christian woman and we are getting married in 38 days! Very excited, love her very much.

When we started dating I was not a Christian. I didn't like any sort of "classification" at the time, but I guess you could say I was an atheist. My parents are atheists, and they are the most moral, upstanding, good natured, beautiful people I have ever known, and I was raised according to their very high values. I was a good person by anybody's standards.

We were very much in love right out of the box. We saw each other all the time and did everything together. I always treated her like a princess, respected her beliefs, and never did anything to compromise those beliefs.

Long story short, she talks with her dad and her dad convinces her to break up with me because I am not a believer at the time. Of course, this breaks my heart and I am left completely not understanding. I already knew this was the woman I was going to marry. She tells me it is what the Bible says to do.

Weeks go by, we are still talking to each other and in the interim, I come to Christ. It was a genuine happening, and yes it was influenced by me wanting to be with her, but real and genuine nonetheless. We get back together and continue dating.

The months go by and I start to read a lot of scripture. I come upon 2 Cor 6:14(unequally yoked verse), and find why she believes that she can not be with me. Even though the break up still hurts like crazy I come to a sort of peace about the issue.

A couple more months go by and I stumble upon 1 Cor 7:12-14 - To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. 13If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. 14For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband.

I understand that in 1 Cor 7:12-14, this is coming from Paul's point of view, and is not directly from God. Even though that is the case, in my opinion, it clearly contradicts 2 Cor 6:14 and it is still in the Bible so it should not just be dismissed and invalidated.

My questions are:

1) Which one are we to believe?

2) If a person lives a "Godly" lifestyle but is an unbeliever, is there really anything wrong or sinful about being in a relationship with them,and/or marrying them?

 

[mrpower]

Firstly! Let me say congratulations my friend!! Thats awesome news!

Secondly, 1 Corinthians 7 was talking specifically about marriage. It's clear. It's definite.
I think if i remember my teaching correctly, 2 Corinthians paul is talking about the church as a whole. (someone correct me if im wrong) Either way, remember that scripture is written and a verse can be made to mean alot of things. Read 2 Cor in it's entirety and see what Paul is referring to when he speaks to yoking himself with unbelievers. What context. Who was the focus of the letter if you will.

But either way. 1 Cor 7. Keep reading to verse 23. In my opinion it hammers it home. I especially like verse 16. I know it's talking about if your wife or husband leaves you but i think it can be applied in the opposite as well. "How do you know whether you will save your husband?"
Id probably be willing to bet she thought of that scripture.
If that was where she was called to be then that's where she was called to be. And look what has happened. You have accepted Jesus and found a beautiful wife at the same time.

God bless my friend. The heavens are literally rejoicing that you have accepted a relationship with Jesus. Jesus firmly stamps out that there is more joy in heaven at one unbeliever being saved than 99 devout Christians. May your marriage be filled with joy and may you both grow ever more blessed in the Lord.

God bless bro!

 

[Slepsog4]

2 Corinthians is not explicitly discussing marriage.

1 Corinthians is likely about a mixed marriage after the fact... a pagan couple where one converts when they are already married. It is not to be broken up.

 

[Matthew]

This is one of the things I don't get either, and no-one despite many threads on the subject can give a clear answer, I actually made a thread pointing this out as well because I still cannot understand.

I have been told several times that being a good person and better in behaviour and attitude than many christians is not enough if you are an unbeliever marrying a christian, as it has been explained to me those qualities are ultimately irrelevant and it would be better to marry a person who has a relationship with God but who is clearly not as moral or decent a person because the relationship with God is more important than anything, and it does not matter how stroongly you would support your partner if you do not share the faith.

I find that difficult to accept, partly because no-one can answer this question without speculating on what was specifically meant by 1 Cor 7:12-14, all personal theories aside about it referrng to different things no-one knows for absolute certain and it is all guess work, which is why I find it hard to take those explanations, if you take it to mean what it says then the truth is clear, but again it is taken out of it's wider context which could then be debated further, it sounds possible your fiance's father is a strict believer in the idea that unequally yoked marriages simply cannot work and therefore advised her against being with you.

2) If a person lives a "Godly" lifestyle but is an unbeliever, is there really anything wrong or sinful about being in a relationship with them,and/or marrying them?

That's me just as it was you, I am not someone who would ever ignore parts of the bible outright in order to create my own idealised version of the faith, but with blocks like that in the way I am not sure I could ever come to God fully, I know myself and like you probably did, I know I could be a good husband to a christian woman and I know I could support her faith etc.... and the fact that that bible passage says those marriages should remain intact and both will be saved seems clear evidence to that fact that it is accepted even if it is not the 'ideal' situation.

I think in the end it shouldn't be taken as encouragement to seek mates outside your own religion, but if like in the case of your fiance, a christian meets and falls in love with an unbeliever who is never the less open to faith and is by thought, word and deed a fundamentally good person and one who is a fine example to many christians I cannot see any credible reason why that marriage should be frowned upon or run away from.

I think some people use the 'unequally yoked' verse to seek perfecton in their partner, as I read on this fourm many people say they won't be with someone who doesn't practice in the same way as them as it causes strife in the relationship, a true enough fact but many practices and denominations are man made and if two christians practice differently but are each true believers than surely the marriage is fine in Gods view?
If so aren't christians just using the fear of finding hardship in balancing their own prefrences for worship to keep them apart from any potential mate that isn't exactly what they want?, like I said I think it gives people license to look for perfection and deny their heart, in some cases anyway.

But that's just my view.
I don't want an argument with anyone.

 

[MahogonySnail]

2) If a person lives a "Godly" lifestyle but is an unbeliever, is there really anything wrong or sinful about being in a relationship with them,and/or marrying them?

it probably would be better than marrying an immoral christian. But there are usually difficulties in terms of going to church etc, does the atheist husband or wife come too?

i do know one or two couples at church where the wife is a believer and the husband not, but the husband goes for the kid's sake and actually ends up enjoying the music and the time for reflection.

 

[Kevron]

First off I want to thank everybody for their heartfelt responses. I was a little intimidated posting on here for the first time and was unsure of the type of responses I was going to get. I am very pleasantly surprised by what everybody posted. Just the kind of feedback I was looking for!

Mrpower - Thank you for the warm sentiments! Thank you also for helping me to discern between the intended audiences for each scripture. As a new Christian I don't always remember to do this when reading and I feel it is essential to do this and take things in their proper and intended context. I think that you are a hundred percent correct. 1 Cor 7 is talking specifically about marriage and 2 Cor 6 is directed at the Church as a whole. Very interesting.
Like you said:

Either way, remember that scripture is written and a verse can be made to mean a lot of things.

A lot of people try to bend a Bible verse to meet their needs, or simply don't do enough research and are ignorant of the true meaning as the author intended. I think that the advice that my fiancé’s dad gave her was because of a combination of the two. I'm sure he thought that simply because I was not a Christian meant that I was a horrible person and wouldn't be able to treat his daughter properly. I see the 2 Cor 6 verse a lot of times in pre-marital counseling material referring specifically to marriage. I now think that is an incorrect association and taken out of context. It just shows you that just because something is published and looks official, to do some research of your own and don't always take it as THE truth. It's just one person's or one publishing company’s interpretation a lot of the time. I hope to have a conversation with him soon about this and hopefully I can effectively show him my point of view and possibly teach him something.

Slepsog4 - I agree. 1 Cor 7, from most translations, is likely regarding a man and woman after they are already married. Is the correct presupposition then, that it is ok and not sinful to marry an unbeliever?

Matthew - Very good response. Definitely a tough one to understand, especially if you have been personally affected by it. You have a lot of really good, thought-provoking comments in there.

I have been told several times that being a good person and better in behaviour and attitude than many christians is not enough if you are an unbeliever marrying a christian, as it has been explained to me those qualities are ultimately irrelevant and it would be better to marry a person who has a relationship with God but who is clearly not as moral or decent a person because the relationship with God is more important than anything, and it does not matter how stroongly you would support your partner if you do not share the faith.

This seems asinine to me. I think that is why just as many Christian marriages, if not more, fail as compared to other religions and unbelievers. A lot of the time Christians don't get married to people they truly love and are compatible with. They often times settle for someone that is not really a good match, but is a text book, regularly church-attending "perfect" Christian. Pretty soon they find themselves miserable and they realize they have too many differences to resolve and get divorced, despite how deep and meaningful their relationship with God is. At the end of the day, what is more sinful and will look worse at judgment time; a successful and happy marriage between a Christian and an unbeliever, or a divorce between two devout Christians?

I find that difficult to accept, partly because no-one can answer this question without speculating on what was specifically meant by 1 Cor 7:12-14, all personal theories aside about it referrng to different things no-one knows for absolute certain and it is all guess work, which is why I find it hard to take those explanations, if you take it to mean what it says then the truth is clear, but again it is taken out of it's wider context which could then be debated further,

When do we take the Bible literally, and when do we leave room for interpretation? It seems a lot of people like to interpret 2 Cor 6:14 to refer to marriage. Through the research I have just done after making my original post I don't think this is true. Will we really ever know with 100% certainty the true intent of every Bible verse? Of course not. I think however through the guidance of the Holy Spirit, and through thorough research and consideration of the intended audience we can come to better understand scripture. I really wish I could read and understand Hebrew, Aramaic, and Greek so I could better know the actual intent of each scripture.

it sounds possible your fiance's father is a strict believer in the idea that unequally yoked marriages simply cannot work and therefore advised her against being with you.

I think you are right. He is relying more on his own understanding, flawed in my opinion, than the actual truth. I do acknowledge that due to our different upbringings we are going to have some struggles and disagreements in our marriage that wouldn't necessarily be present if she had married a man that was a Christian all of his life. I think that our underlying true love for each other will help carry us through the disagreements, and is the most important component of a successful marriage. After all, "Three things will last forever--faith, hope, and love--and the greatest of these is love." - 1 Cor 13:13

 

[loveschild]

Paul is talking for God. Thats the whole point of the bible. Its told by people who heard the voice of God and were anointed by him to speak.
We are not to be unequally yoked. Thats how it should be.
Pauls point is if you do go agaisnt the fisrt option then by you you showing your spouse what a good Christian looks like and your prayers the spouse will come to God.
The fact is that many people go through many sad years when they are uequally yoked.

 

[Kevron]

Paul is talking for God. Thats the whole point of the bible. Its told by people who heard the voice of God and were anointed by him to speak.
We are not to be unequally yoked. Thats how it should be.
Pauls point is if you do go agaisnt the fisrt option then by you you showing your spouse what a good Christian looks like and your prayers the spouse will come to God.
The fact is that many people go through many sad years when they are uequally yoked.

You are assuming that unequally yoked refers to marriage. This is an interpretation of the text. It does not specifically refer to marriage; however, this is what is commonly taught. Does that mean it is correct?

You have a different interpretation of the text, and that is perfectly ok. Just trying to provoke thought and discussion.

 

[MahogonySnail]

Kevron, look up Deuteronomy 22:10 and Leviticus 19:19.
That's some background verses.
The meaning is Christians should avoid any close fellowship with unbelievers. When Paul wrote it to the Corinthians he was telling them to avoid participating in the heathen festivals their society had. To a person who wanted to join the army it would be telling them not to join the Roman Legion. It also prohibits marriage between believer and unbeliever. At its most liberal meaning it is saying christians should choose christian alliances and associations. Christians are supposed to join together as a team in this world not be individuals in the crowd.

 

[pickles]

I am currently engaged to a Christian woman and we are getting married in 38 days! Very excited, love her very much.

When we started dating I was not a Christian. I didn't like any sort of "classification" at the time, but I guess you could say I was an atheist. My parents are atheists, and they are the most moral, upstanding, good natured, beautiful people I have ever known, and I was raised according to their very high values. I was a good person by anybody's standards.

We were very much in love right out of the box. We saw each other all the time and did everything together. I always treated her like a princess, respected her beliefs, and never did anything to compromise those beliefs.

Long story short, she talks with her dad and her dad convinces her to break up with me because I am not a believer at the time. Of course, this breaks my heart and I am left completely not understanding. I already knew this was the woman I was going to marry. She tells me it is what the Bible says to do.

Weeks go by, we are still talking to each other and in the interim, I come to Christ. It was a genuine happening, and yes it was influenced by me wanting to be with her, but real and genuine nonetheless. We get back together and continue dating.

The months go by and I start to read a lot of scripture. I come upon 2 Cor 6:14(unequally yoked verse), and find why she believes that she can not be with me. Even though the break up still hurts like crazy I come to a sort of peace about the issue.

A couple more months go by and I stumble upon 1 Cor 7:12-14 - To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. 13If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. 14For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband.

I understand that in 1 Cor 7:12-14, this is coming from Paul's point of view, and is not directly from God. Even though that is the case, in my opinion, it clearly contradicts 2 Cor 6:14 and it is still in the Bible so it should not just be dismissed and invalidated.

My questions are:

1) Which one are we to believe?

2) If a person lives a "Godly" lifestyle but is an unbeliever, is there really anything wrong or sinful about being in a relationship with them,and/or marrying them?

Welcome to the family in Jesus!
Im going to speak to you from my heart about this, in hope that both you and your soon to be wife will be spared the sorrow I have known. I hope you will take to heart my words , as I wish many times I had years ago.
When My husband and I became engaged a close christian friend voiced concern over wether my husband was a christian. As they say love is blind. I was unconcerned as my hubby had been born into a christian home and was a christian. I refused to see tha his walk was simply a habit, not a true commitment of the heart.
He has always been a good man but as time passed in our marraige I knew he did not really know Jesus.
Even though his choices were moral in every way, he did not have the streagth of faith and love of the Lord to give him what is needed in his choices. I began to see how this affected so much of our relationship and how we raised our children.
I was so limited in what I could share with him as he could not see Jesus in my words and in time I found I was simply tolerated by him in these disscusions.
If I was not around he would make fun of my choices in faith, and often let our children do what was not allowed when I was there.
I also saw in hard times how his lack of faith left him weak and bitter, leaving me always as the one that had to be strong. I often felt very alone in our marraige, Jesus being my streagth, but never being able to share the most important truth in my life with him.
As time passed and he saw how his many choices affected his life and relationships with hs children, rather than look to Jesus he looked to blame and an easy way to win their favor. He used me as the scapegoat of his losses even blaiming me and critasizing me to our children.
When I learned of these things my heart was shattered beyound repair. It is only my love for Jesus that kept me going during this time.
The damage done to all our relationships affected all and will for many years.
As I said before my husband, by the standards of good people, would be and is considered honorable. But in faith in Jesus the choices and actions were destructive. And the sorrow he had brought to my heart and childrens over the years is great.
I praise God that several years ago he trully began to seek and know Jesus. It has brought great healing in our lives and most importantly marraige. He is learing all he can and slowly beginning to see how his unbelief affected us. I wait patiently for him to reach the place where our walk is equal in Jesus. Its not about knowladge or wisdom, but simply the faith and love that is still a bit uneven.
His commitment is there now and this brings me so much joy. But the loss of the joy we should of had can never be recovered.
I love my husband very much, and would still make the same choice if asked, but I would look to his faith and have waited to be sure of his faith then.
If there is anything I could give to you in these words is that the greatest gift you can give to yourself and your marraige is to have a strong commitment in Jesus. To enter into a commitment without an equal faith may seem as though it will not be a big issue, for the unbeliever it cannot be seen, for the unbeliever it can bring frustration and even jelousy.
But for the believer, it will bring sorrow and keep the most important part of their very life separate from the other. It will affect many of the choices made throughout the years.
I am so greatfull to Jesus that my husband now has a real heart of faith. I look forward to the day where I can have his leadership and streangth in Jesus in our marraige.
But the scriptures are a voice of wisdom and a lesson in faith. Often the differences are simply because of what we would rather choose, instead of what we should do in obediance.
If anything ,take this simply as advise from one that hs lived this divide, the equally yolked is a real cornerstone in a fully loving and fruitfull marraige.
My Husband and I are finally coming to realise this, my hope for you and fiance is that you will know this joy from the beginning.
God bless, pickles

 

[charisenexcelcis]

2 Corinthians is not explicitly discussing marriage.

1 Corinthians is likely about a mixed marriage after the fact... a pagan couple where one converts when they are already married. It is not to be broken up.

It is more likely that the marriage is arranged by parents, the most common way still for marriage to occur worldwide. This is why when it speaks of whether a Christian should marry at all, refering to women, Paul urges fathers to do right for their daughters.

 

[VW]

I am currently engaged to a Christian woman and we are getting married in 38 days! Very excited, love her very much.

When we started dating I was not a Christian. I didn't like any sort of "classification" at the time, but I guess you could say I was an atheist. My parents are atheists, and they are the most moral, upstanding, good natured, beautiful people I have ever known, and I was raised according to their very high values. I was a good person by anybody's standards.

We were very much in love right out of the box. We saw each other all the time and did everything together. I always treated her like a princess, respected her beliefs, and never did anything to compromise those beliefs.

Long story short, she talks with her dad and her dad convinces her to break up with me because I am not a believer at the time. Of course, this breaks my heart and I am left completely not understanding. I already knew this was the woman I was going to marry. She tells me it is what the Bible says to do.

Weeks go by, we are still talking to each other and in the interim, I come to Christ. It was a genuine happening, and yes it was influenced by me wanting to be with her, but real and genuine nonetheless. We get back together and continue dating.

The months go by and I start to read a lot of scripture. I come upon 2 Cor 6:14(unequally yoked verse), and find why she believes that she can not be with me. Even though the break up still hurts like crazy I come to a sort of peace about the issue.

A couple more months go by and I stumble upon 1 Cor 7:12-14 - To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. 13If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. 14For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband.

I understand that in 1 Cor 7:12-14, this is coming from Paul's point of view, and is not directly from God. Even though that is the case, in my opinion, it clearly contradicts 2 Cor 6:14 and it is still in the Bible so it should not just be dismissed and invalidated.

My questions are:

1) Which one are we to believe?

2) If a person lives a "Godly" lifestyle but is an unbeliever, is there really anything wrong or sinful about being in a relationship with them,and/or marrying them?

In one case, Paul is talking about those who are already married, and in the other about those who are thinking about marriage. And not just marriage, we should be careful about any agreement we make with unbelievers.

The trouble with being joined to one who does not believe is that you will find yourself being compromised in your beliefs, no matter how careful you are, or how good they are.

I am very heartened to hear that you have received Jesus as Lord of your life, and that you are following the Savior of the world to life. I know that there was much heart ache in the days leading up to this. May God keep you in His hand for eternity.

In His love,
vic

 

[Harley_Angel]

I think that not marrying a non-believer is more of a friendly suggestion than it is a direct command that is a sin if you disobey. A lot of what is in the Bible are suggestions about how to have a better life as a Christian. It's easier when both partners have a shared faith, so Paul is saying it's better to marry another Christian. I don't think you are disobeying God by marrying a non-Christian, but you have to be strong enough that they won't bring you down and ruin your walk with Christ.

 

[loveschild]

You are assuming that unequally yoked refers to marriage. This is an interpretation of the text. It does not specifically refer to marriage; however, this is what is commonly taught. Does that mean it is correct?

You have a different interpretation of the text, and that is perfectly ok. Just trying to provoke thought and discussion.

Hi
I'm not asuming anything the question was about married.

 

[MaggieMye]

Your first scripture refers to the UNmarried. The 2nd refers to those already married....like when they are already married and the wife (or husband) becomes saved. They are both correct.
Maggie

 

[MahogonySnail]

I think it is a command. When a Christian marries a non-christian that's pretty much a family wasted who could otherwise be a godly role-model and christian unit in our society.

 

[Harley_Angel]

A family wasted? Wow Mahogany. I married someone who isn't a practicing Christian, but who is a better man than 99% of the so-called Christian men I've met. He belives in God, but doesn't know how to have a relationship with Him. By being an example I could in the end help him with his relationship and show him how it's supposed to be. I don't think we would have been given the love we share and the marriage we have if it hadn't been God's will that we were together.

 

[MahogonySnail]

My comments were about marrying non-christians, eg atheists. Unless you believe your husband is a non-christian? Your description of him makes him sound like a Christian.

I've seen it too many times... a non-christian husband, eg an atheist, a believing wife... and atheist children. It doesn't send a strong message to the world when the ratio of atheist to christian are many to one. A christian woman marrying a non-christian husband is practically destining her children to be non-christians. But if two are christians then both can give a clear message to the children and raise them up in the faith which is how it should be.

 

[pickles]

My comments were about marrying non-christians, eg atheists. Unless you believe your husband is a non-christian? Your description of him makes him sound like a Christian.

I've seen it too many times... a non-christian husband, eg an atheist, a believing wife... and atheist children. It doesn't send a strong message to the world when the ratio of atheist to christian are many to one. A christian woman marrying a non-christian husband is practically destining her children to be non-christians. But if two are christians then both can give a clear message to the children and raise them up in the faith which is how it should be.

I do agree with the point you want to make. I have seen the difficulties that marrying an unbeliever can bring. But I have also seen great witness happen as well, where the athiest accepts Jesus and in this God glorifies himself. God Our Father can bring his miricals in every weakness.
Remember, our words, and the witness they bring.
God bless, pickles

 

[penguingal]

If I had to choose, I would rather marry an unbeliever than a divorced Christian. But yes marrying an atheist can be really tough.