I sound defeated? (Why do I always sound defeated to everyone? lol)
I'm not defeated. I'm the Energizer Bunny, but God is my battery. I can't work either -- bad back. (Originally caused by that gallbladder surgery already mentioned.) I can't even lean over for more than 5 second at once without ending up in more pain in a day or two, and yet I'm there when hubby needs me to be.
I was there when he needed me to be and he was stuck in a hospital or rehab center for 7 months. I was there to nag the doctors/nurses, and clarify what was (and wasn't) wrong. I was there to do the shopping, to keep the house going, and even tackled annoying appliances and vehicles that picked that moment not to work properly. I cleaned out the front porch despite the bad back. I got to all my doctor's appointment and accept a barrage of crap from one doctor who told me I was lying about my husband (because he can't be on three blood thinners at once -- and yet was -- and because I couldn't possibly do what I did with a bad back -- but did.)
I have a small garden in the back. I can get my laundry done, and I can pull a freaking wheelchair in and out of a Saturn trunk, because God is my battery, and I'm the Energizer Bunny.
What I cannot do, under my infernal desire to lead, was to get hubby to the point of having his Christmas a month later on his birthday (because he got a contagious infection so couldn't have new objects brought into his room), could not have him with another group of patients for the Super Bowl, (same reason), could not get him home in time to supervise me on what goes where in that garden, (because he was still in the nursing home at planting season), and things like that. (I had a list of five things I wanted him to do by a given date, and five out of five he couldn't do by that date. lol)
And I'm not sitting here feeling sorry for myself because of the stuff that happens even as a daughter of God. I'm here telling you to trust God more and STOP trusting yourself, because "we lead ourselves" never works out. I'm here praying for three friends who are face-to-face fighting against cancer. I'm here to answer questions, if I know the answers. And, I'm here witnessing about God's ability.
On the side, I've not been able to work, so I have a life. I've written a novel, I hope to sell, and if God is willing and it sells -- it sells well -- them maybe he'll give me the same ability and more to write the next six books in that series. And maybe, God willing, (because in the last year, he obviously wasn't willing, but he's the one doing the leading, so I follow), I will have time to write all those books. If not, well, hubby still needs me, and God still needs me, and my friends still need me, so I AM doing what God is telling me to do by leading me where I don't want to go (because I did not want to go to being disabled, and I really did not want hubby to go that way either, but it looks like he's leaving before me. I could be wrong, because it's foggy, but God is still leading both of us), and following has taken a great deal of training that God has given me throughout my life to learn -- the hard way.
Forever circling and forever smashing into a brick wall has left me tired of trying to believe this junk -- "God always encourages us to believe in ourselves"? God has never encouraged us to believe in ourselves. He discourages it, because we fail whenever we believe in self. He encourages "Trust God."
"Believe in ourselves" is New Age, not God.