Marrying someone other than your children's parent

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Tracimichelle

Guest
#1
Something that has been bothering me for awhile. I have 2 kids with 1 man. We never married nor have I ever been married. Unfortunately I'm not sure if he's the man I want to marry anymore. We've been together for about 7 years. And he's changed in a bad way. He's not affectionate. He's not a Godly man. And he's just become really angry. (I'm Not perfect either) But we moved really fast in our relationship and now I realize I don't think we were meant to be. I've been reading the bible and I've read scriptures about having children with somebody and marrying them. I've been told that my children can pay for my mistakes and go to hell as well as us if we weren't married. (Not sure if that's true) My main fear is making a decision I'll forever regret. Whether that be not marrying him and we all pay for that mistake or marrying him and being miserable as well as my children. I'm very lost. I've been praying on it but I still don't know what to do. I just want to make a decision that God would approve of and I won't have to pay for later.
 

miknik5

Senior Member
Jun 2, 2016
7,833
588
113
#2
Something that has been bothering me for awhile. I have 2 kids with 1 man. We never married nor have I ever been married. Unfortunately I'm not sure if he's the man I want to marry anymore. We've been together for about 7 years. And he's changed in a bad way. He's not affectionate. He's not a Godly man. And he's just become really angry. (I'm Not perfect either) But we moved really fast in our relationship and now I realize I don't think we were meant to be. I've been reading the bible and I've read scriptures about having children with somebody and marrying them. I've been told that my children can pay for my mistakes and go to hell as well as us if we weren't married. (Not sure if that's true) My main fear is making a decision I'll forever regret. Whether that be not marrying him and we all pay for that mistake or marrying him and being miserable as well as my children. I'm very lost. I've been praying on it but I still don't know what to do. I just want to make a decision that God would approve of and I won't have to pay for later.
First whoever told you that the children will pay for the sins of their parents is wrong

please look into this scripture "you will no longer quote this proverb...the father's have eaten sour grapes and the children's teeth are set on edge"


i will will find the book and chapter and post it

ezekiel 18
 
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miknik5

Senior Member
Jun 2, 2016
7,833
588
113
#3
TraciMichelle,

the other question is a bit bit more difficult

are you or your chuldren in any danger
can he or has he harmed you or your children?


sorry to ask this question but if he has then for safety reasons. you need help to make a change in that area FIRST
 

GOP

Senior Member
Jul 12, 2015
1,668
91
48
#4
First of all, you have to acknowledge the fact that having children with a man without you first getting married to him is a sin. Always acknowledge your wrongs and ask for forgiveness from GOD and from the person you may have hurt; and sin no more. Ask GOD to help you not to sin.
Secondly, your children have nothing to do with your wrong deeds. Everyone is responsible for his or her deed.
Go to GOD ALMIGHTY with a sincere heart and ask for forgiveness for your wrong deeds and ask HIM to lead you to the man HE has created for you as your husband.
HE loves you so much and care for you and HE will answer you.
JESUS loves you.


Something that has been bothering me for awhile. I have 2 kids with 1 man. We never married nor have I ever been married. Unfortunately I'm not sure if he's the man I want to marry anymore. We've been together for about 7 years. And he's changed in a bad way. He's not affectionate. He's not a Godly man. And he's just become really angry. (I'm Not perfect either) But we moved really fast in our relationship and now I realize I don't think we were meant to be. I've been reading the bible and I've read scriptures about having children with somebody and marrying them. I've been told that my children can pay for my mistakes and go to hell as well as us if we weren't married. (Not sure if that's true) My main fear is making a decision I'll forever regret. Whether that be not marrying him and we all pay for that mistake or marrying him and being miserable as well as my children. I'm very lost. I've been praying on it but I still don't know what to do. I just want to make a decision that God would approve of and I won't have to pay for later.
 
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Tracimichelle

Guest
#5
Thank you for your replies. He's not abusive he's just always in a bad mood and negative. He just makes poor choices. Not saying I'm perfect. And I understand. I've asked for forgiveness. I've also been baptized. I'm just still pretty stuck on whether or not he will be the man we need him to be, or I need to leave. It's a very hard decision especially since I have 2 innocent boys involved. I always wanted the father of my children to be my husband. So i'm very lost.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
41,243
16,252
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Tennessee
#6
You may have moved fast into this relationship but yet you are still together after 7 years and have had 2 children together. Does he ever mention marriage to you? Is a separation possible to give you some space to think about these matters? I will pray for God to give you clarity of thought on how to best proceed at this station of your life. Glad to have you join us. Welcome to CC.
 
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Tracimichelle

Guest
#7
Thank you. And we've separated on and off the past 7 years. We have had a lot of problems. There's been times we've just stayed together for the kids. We love each other but it doesn't show a lot in our relationship. If I wasn't sick I probably could separate from him again. But I was recently diagnosed with Chronic Lyme disease. I had to stop school and can no longer work at this moment. He's been helping me with that. And I've been depending on him. Which doesn't make my decision any easier. But I know I can't drag it out any longer. We've talked off and on about marriage. But when things are bad we don't mention it. Since i've been sick i've thought about my future a lot and how I need to make this decision soon because anything can happen. So yeah this is where i'm at right now. And I have talked to him about my concerns as well. He don't really care to hear it. That's why I'm stuck.
 

miknik5

Senior Member
Jun 2, 2016
7,833
588
113
#8
Thank you. And we've separated on and off the past 7 years. We have had a lot of problems. There's been times we've just stayed together for the kids. We love each other but it doesn't show a lot in our relationship. If I wasn't sick I probably could separate from him again. But I was recently diagnosed with Chronic Lyme disease. I had to stop school and can no longer work at this moment. He's been helping me with that. And I've been depending on him. Which doesn't make my decision any easier. But I know I can't drag it out any longer. We've talked off and on about marriage. But when things are bad we don't mention it. Since i've been sick i've thought about my future a lot and how I need to make this decision soon because anything can happen. So yeah this is where i'm at right now. And I have talked to him about my concerns as well. He don't really care to hear it. That's why I'm stuck.
What do you mean he doesn't care to hear it?
 
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Tracimichelle

Guest
#9
I've told him my concerns on marrying him. How I don't think he would lead me to God. Or how he's unwilling to change. I'm not perfect but i'm willing to change and work on my wrongs. But he doesn't think about how he is and the decisions he makes is wrong. I'd marry him in a heartbeat if he was willing to change and work on him. But he doesn't want to hear it. He refuses to believe he does anything wrong.
 
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Tracimichelle

Guest
#10
I just want someone who tries. But he stopped trying a long time ago. Not sure if he's the man God wants me to marry or if he's just the man I want to marry.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
41,243
16,252
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Tennessee
#11
I've told him my concerns on marrying him. How I don't think he would lead me to God. Or how he's unwilling to change. I'm not perfect but i'm willing to change and work on my wrongs. But he doesn't think how he lives and the decisions he makes is wrong. I'd marry him in a heartbeat if he was willing to change and work on him. But he doesn't want to hear it. He refuses to believe he does anything wrong.
You are in quite a bind seeing how it appears that you maybe financially dependent on him and it may cause tremendous financial hardship to try to make it on your own with the kids. Are your parents still alive or siblings or family that may be able to help? He may believe that he's not doing anything wrong because maybe he is still basically the same man as when you first decided to live together.
 
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Tracimichelle

Guest
#12
Yes I am. I only have a couple of family members. They already made it clear they can't take us in. See that's the thing. He was amazing the first couple of years. But something changed. Like I said I feel he just stopped trying. It's sad. I just don't want to break up the family. But if he refuses to change idk.
 

miknik5

Senior Member
Jun 2, 2016
7,833
588
113
#13
Yes I am. I only have a couple of family members. They already made it clear they can't take us in. See that's the thing. He was amazing the first couple of years. But something changed. Like I said I feel he just stopped trying. It's sad. I just don't want to break up the family. But if he refuses to change idk.
Do you mean he just stopped trying (or remembering) to be your spouse/partner/love?

Do you mean he stopped the courtship?
 
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Tracimichelle

Guest
#14
All of the above. He stopped trying in everything. The only thing he's good at is helping with our kids.
 

miknik5

Senior Member
Jun 2, 2016
7,833
588
113
#15
All of the above. He stopped trying in everything. The only thing he's good at is helping with our kids.
Do you think he wants to separate?
or is he resigned to the fact that this is what you want and maybe this could be why he stopped trying?


Do you think that this could be part of the reason for his lack of trying?
 

miknik5

Senior Member
Jun 2, 2016
7,833
588
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#16
Before you were diagnosed with lymes disease you worked right?

who took care of the boys?
 
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Tracimichelle

Guest
#17
He says he doesn't but I feel like if he didn't he would want to try to change. He's been unfaithful in the past as well. So it makes me question if he really wants to be with me. And he supported us financially because I was going to school. I've been a stay at home Mom/student. I was almost done with school but then I got hospitalized from my sickness.
 

miknik5

Senior Member
Jun 2, 2016
7,833
588
113
#18
He says he doesn't but I feel like if he didn't he would want to try to change. He's been unfaithful in the past as well. So it makes me question if he really wants to be with me. And he supported us financially because I was going to school. I've been a stay at home Mom/student. I was almost done with school but then I got hospitalized from my sickness.
I would like to say to you that even though you are not officially and on paper married....you are married and his unfaithfulness is not excusable just because you aren't officially married in the eyes of the world according to signed documents and ceremonies


Before GOD, your union is viewed as being married
 

miknik5

Senior Member
Jun 2, 2016
7,833
588
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#19
With that said, he is NOT allowed to be unfaithful
 

miknik5

Senior Member
Jun 2, 2016
7,833
588
113
#20
Is he prone to doing this again?
And does he understand that being unfaithful, no matter that you do not have a marriage certificate, is very, very wrong?esoecially since you have children together, you live together and you in all the senses of the word are indeed married