What is with men and holding a handshake?

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BenFTW

Senior Member
Oct 7, 2012
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#1
I've experienced this twice in my life, and I was just wondering what others thought about it. You go to shake a man's hand and once you shake and get ready to release they tighten their grip and you let go only to have your hand still grasped by theirs. They won't let go for an awkward amount of time, and then release.

Is this some show of dominance? Something to gain respect? I feel uncomfortable when it happens and recently had the thought, jokingly, of yanking my hand out or karate chopping their wrist to let go, haha. Is it like an "acknowledge me" type of deal?

I guess my question is why do certain men do this and how should I deal with it (especially in a Church setting, since this is where its ever happened to me)? Or should I just embrace the moment and stare them in the eyes? Maybe I should comment, "You hold my hand any longer and you'll start rumors." :p

PS: For emphasis, they won't let go. They'll continue talking to you or the person you're with while still grasping your hand.
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
24,555
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#2
It's sometimes a power/dominance maneuver, usually done by men who think they are superior, or who are used to having to express their manliness through shows of strength or influence. With some people, it's sheer ignorance. You can always say, "You can let go now."
 

JesusLives

Senior Member
Oct 11, 2013
14,551
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#3
Sounds like a kind of "I want to hold your hand" moment. Song made famous by the Beatles
 

Rachel20

Senior Member
May 7, 2013
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#4
This happens to men too?

I thought it only happened with women. I have come across several men who hold onto my hand after a handshake, sometimes during the entire conversation. I find it funny you count this because it is so common for me, I've started to expect it.

Some men place both their hands over my hand or just give it a gentle squeeze.

I thought it was a sign of affection or an expression of closeness. I find it interesting you wondered if it was a show of dominance. Initially, even I felt intimidated but I chalked this up to culture.

As a woman, I assume its a positive sign - they are expressing some form of interest. It does gets uncomfortable for me if the man keeps making eye contact and staring when I don't reciprocate or feel the same. I do feel threatened and I think my body language also changes.

My course of action depends on the situation. If its a harmless enough man, I don't bother and just let him hold my hand.

If not, I gently twist my wrist and turn my body as if I have to make a move to leave. That is enough for the person to let go. It has never escalated beyond that.

If however it did and someone continues to hold my hand, I would politely excuse myself verbally. If that doesn't work they are violating my personal space and then I would bring out my krav maga/kickboxing skills. :)
 

Joidevivre

Senior Member
Jul 15, 2014
3,838
271
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#5
Rachel's idea is good - sort of twist your body like you are leaving. I'm sure they would not like their hand to be dragged away.

There are some church men who I don't want hugging me (I barely know them), and I sort of turn sideways so it is more of a side hug. Or else I will extend my hand for a shake before they pull me into their chest.
 

OneFaith

Senior Member
Sep 5, 2016
2,270
369
83
#6
I've experienced this twice in my life, and I was just wondering what others thought about it. You go to shake a man's hand and once you shake and get ready to release they tighten their grip and you let go only to have your hand still grasped by theirs. They won't let go for an awkward amount of time, and then release.

Is this some show of dominance? Something to gain respect? I feel uncomfortable when it happens and recently had the thought, jokingly, of yanking my hand out or karate chopping their wrist to let go, haha. Is it like an "acknowledge me" type of deal?

I guess my question is why do certain men do this and how should I deal with it (especially in a Church setting, since this is where its ever happened to me)? Or should I just embrace the moment and stare them in the eyes? Maybe I should comment, "You hold my hand any longer and you'll start rumors." :p

PS: For emphasis, they won't let go. They'll continue talking to you or the person you're with while still grasping your hand.
Lol aaaaawkward. I like post number three.
 

G00WZ

Senior Member
May 16, 2014
1,313
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#7
For some its a dominance thing, but others, they do that to keep you in conversation longer, some people just do that without really knowing they do it. I wouldn't take it seriously, but instead make light of it.. but if they hold it too long look down at it while they do it, then back up, look them square in the eyes while smiling, and say " so... are we a couple or something?" lol.. pretty sure they will let go then.
 

Amberlight

Senior Member
Oct 8, 2016
187
7
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#8
Pure dominance attempt.

Although some people and cultures keep sharing a long time and should not be confused with.

"Western culture and most of far Asia" It would be a dominance symbol most cases.
 

Desertsrose

Senior Member
Oct 24, 2016
2,824
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#9
Hi Ben,

It has happened to me as well. And I've seen it happen also man to man. I have always considered it a modern day, "Greet one another with a holy kiss." In other words a sign of holy brotherly/sisterly affection.

But like a kiss, it should only be for a moment. Pulling away would be fine. It shouldn't cause offense.
 
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Yahweh_is_gracious

Guest
#10
It's happened to me. Most recently it was the last time I attended a church service. The door greeter just held my hand and chatted away. Awkward. Kind of creepy. Not a good first impression.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#11
There is no socially graceful way out of it. Even 'jokes' as other have suggested still provide an awkward element by the action of verbalizing the issue. I'd suggest just tugging your hand away, sending a message while not making a verbal comment that will likely make you feel more awkward than the handshake itself. This allows the problem to wash away on it's own, rather than creating a spotlight on it.
I think whether it's a dominance/control thing, or someone that is excessively friendly and unaware, the motives behind it are the same. 'You're not leaving till i'm done'. Even among those that are simply friendly, or even perhaps lonely, it is still a controlling behavior. I'd find it best to get my hand back.
But if you feel awkward it's not 'rude' to get your hand back. They are the ones exercising a socially unappreciated behavior, a rude behavior, by attempting to control anothers actions by refusing to let go.
 

Amberlight

Senior Member
Oct 8, 2016
187
7
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#12
There is no socially graceful way out of it. Even 'jokes' as other have suggested still provide an awkward element by the action of verbalizing the issue. I'd suggest just tugging your hand away, sending a message while not making a verbal comment that will likely make you feel more awkward than the handshake itself. This allows the problem to wash away on it's own, rather than creating a spotlight on it.
I think whether it's a dominance/control thing, or someone that is excessively friendly and unaware, the motives behind it are the same. 'You're not leaving till i'm done'. Even among those that are simply friendly, or even perhaps lonely, it is still a controlling behavior. I'd find it best to get my hand back.
But if you feel awkward it's not 'rude' to get your hand back. They are the ones exercising a socially unappreciated behavior, a rude behavior, by attempting to control anothers actions by refusing to let go.
Yeah it has not happened to me but i know it happens.. But then again im 6 foot 3 and people usually do not wish to get physical competitions with me.

Well... at least not most cases ,What is good as i am actually rather sensitive and do not like confrontation.
 

mcubed

Senior Member
Dec 20, 2013
1,449
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#13
I do not know about for men, but as a woman I give a firm handshake. To show strength and power. Not to mention if a person shakes my hand week, all limp like, especially a man, I wonder what is wrong with them and hope I did not shake their hand too hard. And minimize them at least in my mind.
 

Amberlight

Senior Member
Oct 8, 2016
187
7
18
#14
I do not know about for men, but as a woman I give a firm handshake. To show strength and power. Not to mention if a person shakes my hand week, all limp like, especially a man, I wonder what is wrong with them and hope I did not shake their hand too hard. And minimize them at least in my mind.
Sure but you do not want me grab your hand and start doing judo.

Jokes aside firm handshake is always been something i also like.
 

hornetguy

Senior Member
Jan 18, 2016
6,624
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#15
Or, you could go all Val Kilmer Doc Holliday on them.....

Doc Holliday.jpg
 

hornetguy

Senior Member
Jan 18, 2016
6,624
1,381
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#16
Another strange one is like what I saw on a recent commercial, where two guys go to shake hands, and the "power guy", as soon as they grasped hands, pulled the other guy's hand over to just about touching the power guy's belly....while keeping manly eye contact.

THAT'S weird.... sort of like a "hand hug" or something.
 
Mar 28, 2016
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#17
It is more of a private tradition . To kiss is to provide short abrupt contact. A punch in the arm is one tradition. Some kiss another on the neck or cheek, some on the hand, and other offer a holy kiss by shaking hands Holding on longer could be a sign of intimacy and trust .. At one time I would squeeze down as a sort of a gesture of having fun .I have found out its only funny when two people are laughing . 1------2----3 let go of it. Have fun with it be creative.
 
Feb 28, 2016
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#18
my wife is a 'hugger-Holy kisser-comforter in many situations - she's not shy
in showing Love and Affection and i haven't seen anyone take her the wrong
way, even total strangers as her heart is always in her eyes and upon her shoulders.
 

Joidevivre

Senior Member
Jul 15, 2014
3,838
271
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#19
my wife is a 'hugger-Holy kisser-comforter in many situations - she's not shy
in showing Love and Affection and i haven't seen anyone take her the wrong
way, even total strangers as her heart is always in her eyes and upon her shoulders.
"Her heart is always in her eyes"... such an important thing. People want warm eye contact before welcoming any hugs or handshakes.

Just a mention to you guys who shake the women's hands. I have hands with a touch of arthritis in them, and a lot of the time the men are too tight with them. It hurts. Just sayin....watch the firmness.
 

Grandpa

Senior Member
Jun 24, 2011
11,551
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#20
I would think its just a show of affection.

Like maintaining eye contact for a little while longer than normal. That can be unsettling sometimes.

But people who like you want you to know that they like you.


Its difficult sometimes for a man to show another man that they like them without it getting weird or turning into a competition.