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Wow, this is going to be so embarrassing, and I hope he doesn't come to this forum, but I'm just venting right now, so you don't have to read this. I obviously am posting for people to read, but I know that people might get tired of me talking about this subject. Forgive me; I'm sorry if this seems repetitive.
To be completely honest with you, I was terrified of posting this in a Christian forum of all places, because I knew I would probably be threatened with hellfire and reminded that I'm in sin. I posted this in other forum societies, but I think that if I want to be a genuine Christian, why shouldn't I be able to be honest with other people of the same faith? It's like no matter where I go, spiritual, psychological...and other circles, I don't fear being judged, but I know whenever I come to a Christian society, I will be condemned. But I'd rather be a condemned truth teller than an accepted liar. With that said, if I get one genuine response, this would have been worth posting. So here is my issue:
I have joined this bible study at my college - the Christian club. I think it is a G-d-send. Being a Christian, I have found that it can be lonely and isolating - feeling like you're the only person who is into the bible and serious about the things of G-d. I have already learned some things in the few weeks I've been in the club. I have met some cool people, and it's refreshing to see other (regular) guys who are passionate about G-d.
One of my main goals and reasons for joining is because I wanted a personal bible study partner. By chance, I did happen to meet one of the brothers who is just as passionate as I am. So I told him about my goal and he is on board to be my partner.
Here comes the conflicting part. The first time I saw this guy (before I knew him) I thought that he was a rather attractive guy! I've found out that he is 19y/o (9 years younger than me), but I personally find him very attractive! even more now that I have gotten to experience his awesome mind and personality. We have discussed several biblical subjects. He has alluded to homosexuality, although we didn't go in depth on the discussion. So I know what his stance is; he's against it.
I highly doubt that he has had any inclination that I am homosexual. At least if he has, he hasn't shown that it bothers him. We have exchanged a few texts and conversed via phone briefly. He's been very cool and warm to me, and I find him to be such a very cool person! However, I am now considering backing out of my goal and cutting him off all together, because I am not only finding him cool, but adorable as well. Although I see him as a buddy, another part of me is feeling him romantically. I mean when I say feeling him, I'm going to bed imagining my pillow is him and waking up in the middle of the night fantasizing about him (so embarrassing to admit this). I am becoming infatuated with him. Not that I'm obsessed. I just have a massive crush on him. I've only known the guy for a couple of weeks, and I'm already starting to feel jealous if I see him talking to or walking with or by a female.
So I'm thinking it would be irresponsible on my part to break partnership with him, because we've already established a plan. And of course we don't have any obligations and staying in contact is not something we have to do (I have been the one to initiate the texts messages anyway), but I am personally worried about becoming too attached to him, because I know that something will happen (a non-response to a message, the learning of a girlfriend or fiance', another friend who gets more attention, etc...) that will eventually cause me to feel a sense of abandonment and rejection down the road, and I don't know how I will react to it. But I know it will be painful.
Just the fact that I have these thoughts/feelings conflicts everything that our relationship would be about. I would be such a hypocrite to be reading the bible with him while thinking of making love to him. That doesn't even make sense - hence my conflicting feelings.
To be completely honest with you, I was terrified of posting this in a Christian forum of all places, because I knew I would probably be threatened with hellfire and reminded that I'm in sin. I posted this in other forum societies, but I think that if I want to be a genuine Christian, why shouldn't I be able to be honest with other people of the same faith? It's like no matter where I go, spiritual, psychological...and other circles, I don't fear being judged, but I know whenever I come to a Christian society, I will be condemned. But I'd rather be a condemned truth teller than an accepted liar. With that said, if I get one genuine response, this would have been worth posting. So here is my issue:
I have joined this bible study at my college - the Christian club. I think it is a G-d-send. Being a Christian, I have found that it can be lonely and isolating - feeling like you're the only person who is into the bible and serious about the things of G-d. I have already learned some things in the few weeks I've been in the club. I have met some cool people, and it's refreshing to see other (regular) guys who are passionate about G-d.
One of my main goals and reasons for joining is because I wanted a personal bible study partner. By chance, I did happen to meet one of the brothers who is just as passionate as I am. So I told him about my goal and he is on board to be my partner.
Here comes the conflicting part. The first time I saw this guy (before I knew him) I thought that he was a rather attractive guy! I've found out that he is 19y/o (9 years younger than me), but I personally find him very attractive! even more now that I have gotten to experience his awesome mind and personality. We have discussed several biblical subjects. He has alluded to homosexuality, although we didn't go in depth on the discussion. So I know what his stance is; he's against it.
I highly doubt that he has had any inclination that I am homosexual. At least if he has, he hasn't shown that it bothers him. We have exchanged a few texts and conversed via phone briefly. He's been very cool and warm to me, and I find him to be such a very cool person! However, I am now considering backing out of my goal and cutting him off all together, because I am not only finding him cool, but adorable as well. Although I see him as a buddy, another part of me is feeling him romantically. I mean when I say feeling him, I'm going to bed imagining my pillow is him and waking up in the middle of the night fantasizing about him (so embarrassing to admit this). I am becoming infatuated with him. Not that I'm obsessed. I just have a massive crush on him. I've only known the guy for a couple of weeks, and I'm already starting to feel jealous if I see him talking to or walking with or by a female.
So I'm thinking it would be irresponsible on my part to break partnership with him, because we've already established a plan. And of course we don't have any obligations and staying in contact is not something we have to do (I have been the one to initiate the texts messages anyway), but I am personally worried about becoming too attached to him, because I know that something will happen (a non-response to a message, the learning of a girlfriend or fiance', another friend who gets more attention, etc...) that will eventually cause me to feel a sense of abandonment and rejection down the road, and I don't know how I will react to it. But I know it will be painful.
Just the fact that I have these thoughts/feelings conflicts everything that our relationship would be about. I would be such a hypocrite to be reading the bible with him while thinking of making love to him. That doesn't even make sense - hence my conflicting feelings.