Narcissism: The Secret Weapon Against the Church

[Stephen63]

This thread is written to inform the body of Christ and unbelievers about narcissism, its characteristics, and its victims who may be narcissists themselves.

If anyone believes I have a personal agenda in this...... they're right. I am a victim of a narcissistic mother and I may be a borderline narcissist myself. There, I said it.
I am writing this thread for several reasons, one of which begins my own road to recovery. You see, I discovered early this morning reading an internet article called Tactics of a Narcissistic Personality Disordered Mother that my own mother is a full-blown narcissist. That shook me to the core. But when I considered what I've already read on the topic, and how I myself show at least a few of the signs of the disorder, I must investigate for myself and anybody else who needs help in diagnosing themselves.

Why is this thread in the Bible study forum, you ask? For two reasons.
1. I believe this to be more of a spiritual issue than a psychological one.
2. There is more narcissism in the Bible study forum that anyplace else on CC.

This thread is not open for debate, but for those who want to share their own stories and compare notes. No names of others will be discussed. This thread is for the exhortation of the body of Christ only.

I will be posting portions of the article at a time, while we comment, discuss or ask questions. May God bless our understanding that we may receive what we need from it in Jesus name..... Amen.

 

[Stephen63]

This insight into narcissistic personality disorder is offered from the perspective of more than 40 years as the daughter of a late narcissist personality disordered mother, as well as years of recovery. Reading a list of diagnostic traits of narcissistic personanlity disorder may be a helpful guide, but this is how some of those traits play out in everyday life.
Narcissistic personality disorder is a serious condition that can be especially damaging to the children. It is not just a shallow or self-centered person. It can take decades for the children of a malignant narcissist mother to even recognize what the real issue is, many never do. Gaslighting, forgive and forget and triangulation, which are three prevalent maneuvers of the narcissistic mother, will be discussed.
These three maneuvers were nearly always effective tools used to manipulate the "flying monkeys," too. Flying monkeys is a term taken from the Wizard of Oz and used to describe the often times willfully ignorant or easily deceived friends and family the NPD mother manipulates into also harming the true victim. It is abuse by proxy that results from ignorance of the truth or lack of character to stand up for the truth. Whether it is directly or indirectly, physically or emotionally, etc., an NPD will use flying monkeys to do their dirty work.

When I first read the authors use of flying monkeys, I thought it was funny. But as I read the rest of it, I realized it was no laughing matter.

 

[OwenHeidenreich]

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.

People, including me, always forget the "deny themselves" part when they quote that verse. isn't that interesting?

 

[Blain]

What exactly is Narcissism?

 

[Stephen63]

Definition

By Mayo Clinic staff

Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

Narcissistic personality disorder is one of several types of personality disorders. Personality disorders are conditions in which people have traits that cause them to feel and behave in socially distressing ways, limiting their ability to function in relationships and in other areas of their life, such as work or school.

Narcissistic personality disorder treatment is centered around psychotherapy.

 

[Stephen63]

Symptoms

By Mayo Clinic staff
Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by dramatic, emotional behavior, which is in the same category as antisocial and borderline personality disorders.
Narcissistic personality disorder symptoms may include:

• Believing that you're better than others
• Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness
• Exaggerating your achievements or talents
• Expecting constant praise and admiration
• Believing that you're special and acting accordingly
• Failing to recognize other people's emotions and feelings
• Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans
• Taking advantage of others
• Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior
• Being jealous of others
• Believing that others are jealous of you
• Trouble keeping healthy relationships
• Setting unrealistic goals
• Being easily hurt and rejected
• Having a fragile self-esteem
• Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional

Although some features of narcissistic personality disorder may seem like having confidence or strong self-esteem, it's not the same. Narcissistic personality disorder crosses the border of healthy confidence and self-esteem into thinking so highly of yourself that you put yourself on a pedestal. In contrast, people who have healthy confidence and self-esteem don't value themselves more than they value others.
When you have narcissistic personality disorder, you may come across as conceited, boastful or pretentious. You often monopolize conversations. You may belittle or look down on people you perceive as inferior. You may have a sense of entitlement. And when you don't receive the special treatment to which you feel entitled, you may become very impatient or angry. You may insist on having "the best" of everything — the best car, athletic club, medical care or social circles, for instance.
But underneath all this behavior often lies a fragile self-esteem. You have trouble handling anything that may be perceived as criticism. You may have a sense of secret shame and humiliation. And in order to make yourself feel better, you may react with rage or contempt and efforts to belittle the other person to make yourself appear better.

 

[RachelBibleStudent]

doesn't the bible just call it 'pride'?

the bible also makes reference to a 'haughty spirit'

 

[HeRoseFromTheDead]

I think the essence of it is trying to fill a void that only GOD can fill. The root of that void, of course, would be unbelief; and the cure would be the faith that GOD truly does love us. The emptiness from feeling not loved tempts us to achieve relevance through what other people think about us, i.e., manipulate situations to cause people to think well of us. Receiving glory and honor from one another, though, is the essence of ungodliness:

I have come in my Father’s name, and you do not accept me. If another should come in his own name, you would accept that one! How are you able to believe, if you accept glory from one another, and do not seek the glory which is from the only God? John 5:43-44
​

 

[zone]

Psalm 32:5
Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD." And you forgave the guilt of my sin

Selah

 

[Stephen63]

doesn't the bible just call it 'pride'?

the bible also makes reference to a 'haughty spirit'

It's much more complicated than that. It has been known to pass down two or three generations. When you're raised in a narcissistic household, those around the narcissist will either become victim to it, or eventually become one themselves.

 

[Stephen63]

Psalm 32:5
Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD." And you forgave the guilt of my sin

Selah

Those are good words, but I don't know where they're aiming. Are they teaching? Reproof? Confession? I'm lost.

 

[Stephen63]

Continuing.......

Even though my malignant narcissist mother is deceased, the flying monkeys continue to carry out my narcissistic personality disordered mother's pretend world. They do not appreciate when the scapegoat refuses to play along. However, the pretend world of the narcissist, the rabbit hole, is intolerable. It is about like standing on the lawn with someone who has their sunglasses on at high noon on a sunny day. They not only insist it is dark outside and those are not sunglasses, but that you agree with them that it is dark outside and those are not sunglasses. If you refuse to or state the obvious, you are clearly a troublemaker. Now imagine growing up in the rabbit hole as the narcissistic personality disordered mother's scapegoat.

 

[Stephen63]

What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting was a favorite for the malignant narcissist. What is gaslighting? It is a little known, but insidious form of abuse. The term was taken from the 1944 movie Gas Light, (Wikipedia) in which a psychopath intentionally tries to drive his wife to insanity. Unbeknownst to his wife, he had previously murdered her aunt, but did not get away with the jewels he wanted. He then romances the wife, they eventually marry and he talks her into moving back into the house where he knows the jewels are hidden.
While searching for the jewels in the attic, where he believes the jewels are hidden, he uses a gas light. When he uses that gas light it causes the other gas lights to dim. When his wife notices the dimming, he tells her she is imagining things. He moves things and when she can not find them he gives responses designed to cause her to doubt her perception of reality. Then, if that was not enough, he gets the housemaid to join in. So no one validates his wife's perceptions, which are 100% accurate by the way. I do not want to ruin the movie for you, but you get the point.

Gaslighting can take many forms, but can have the same result. It often causes the the target to doubt their own sense of reality. It's what many abusers do when they abuse you, then the next day deny it happened. This can happen to the extent that we question our own perceptions and memories on an increasingly grander scale. It can become like wearing down a rock over time, especially coupled with the exhaustion that often goes along with dealing with a narcissist. It's psychological abuse. It can slowly dismantle our self-confidence as we begin to question ourselves instead of the abuser. It is especially damaging in severely dysfunctional families where the rest of the family pretends along with the abuser. What is wrong with me? Am I losing my mind? Or, are you being abused with an insidious form of abuse called gaslighting.

 

[Stephen63]

The Narcissist's Forgive and Forget

In my experience some sick people love to try to beat you half to death with the Bible. Of course, it's usually some biblical text taken out of context being used as a pretext. That's what cults do and in my opinion a family led by a malignant narcissist parent is a little cult family. So, I guess it should not be any big surprise. Forgive and forget must be one of the all time favorites for abusive family members and those who enable them, so I would like to address it.

I think the Bible is clear that God wants us to forgive, but that does not necessarily mean what you may have been taught. It can easily become the "forgive and forget" that has been handed down in my family for generations, but only to certain members, of course. You are required to "forgive and forget" if you are a Christian, period.
This is usually followed by the implication or suggestion that you return for more abuse in order to "prove" you "forgive and forget." Otherwise, YOU are the one accused of being "mean," "unforgiving," or "unChristian-like" by the NPD and her flying monkeys. Abusers of all kinds, as well as those who enable them, would love for you to believe this is what forgiveness means. Among other things, this confuses the fundamental difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness takes one, you. Reconciliation takes two.
Of course, the malignant narcissist never forgives the slightest infraction - be it real, imagined or completely fabricated. No, "forgive and forget" is for the victim. If you hurt her feelings or even if she hurt your feelings viciously, but told everyone you attacked her, she has what any normal person would believe to be a long forgotten small disagreement filed away just waiting for an opportunity to use it against you. Bet on it, even if it happened when you were 12 and you are now 50. She has either actively sought revenge or it is seething just under the surface waiting for the right opportunity. God forbid there was anything more substantial.

 

[Stephen63]

"Forget" does nothing but play into the denial and the rest of the pretend world of the malignant narcissist. Abusers often gaslight, (see Gaslighting) and those who do especially like to reinforce this belief because it fits right in with them pretending the abuse did not happen. There is no mention of repentance on the abuser's part, but the focus is on your requirement to "forgive and forget." This is a deadly trap in my opinion and one I fell into for several years as a very young adult. Besides allowing abuse God never intended for us to endure, it can also lead to enormous anger toward God.

"Forgive as the Lord forgave you." (Col. 3:13) How did the Lord forgive you? Did He just "forgive and forget" your sin as you refused to repent or even acknowledge it as abusers often do? No, you confessed your sins to Him, acknowledged your sin, repented and He forgave you. God does not forgive a person denying they have done wrong and continuing in their sin. Quite the opposite. In Luke 17:3 it says, "If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him." In the Greek, "rebuke" is epitimao , which in this case means to honestly, frankly, politely speak as you tell a person how you feel that he has wronged you. It does not say a thing about stuffing your normal human response of anger, pretending you forgave, "forgetting" and returning for more abuse as some would have you believe.

"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If he refused to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a tax collector." (Matt. 18:15-17) (Tax collectors were hated and ostracized because they had turned against their own people to collect the taxes. Secondly, they were despised because they were allowed to add their own "fees" to the amount collected, but many would demand a much greater amount. So they were considered traitors and thieves.) That certainly does not sound like the "forgive and forget" I was raised to believe God required! It's actually the "forgive and forget" abusers and their enablers promote to knowingly or unknowingly perpetuate the cycle of abuse.

 

[Stephen63]

The point is you are NOT required to "forgive and forget" ongoing abuse if you are a Christian or go back for more. God does not want us to continue to be abused! "Forgive and forget" also removes an opportunity for the abuser to be confronted with their actions and repent - not that that will ever happen with a true narcissist! As some of us know, some people never repent, nor are they truly remorseful. There are actually certain types of people the Bible tells us to avoid altogether, which includes a malignant narcissist who parades as a "selfless saint." You will "know them by their fruits."
On a related note, it can be difficult to grasp that someone in your life is this far gone, let alone the fact that someone is your parent. For years I told myself, "All thing are possible with God!" Well, all things are possible with God, but God gave us free will. She did not want to change. It worked for her and it worked well. She paraded as a "martyred, selfless saint," and was terminally ill for two years prior to her death. Even as her professed beliefs told her she was getting ready to meet her Maker, there was no making amends. There was no confession of the truth, remorse or apology for the lifetime of jealousy, abuse, slander, broken relationships, damaged reputation, etc. There were more accusations, lies and manipulation resulting in a dog pile by the flying monkeys as the puppet master's final carefully orchestrated earthly gesture before stepping into eternity. So do not make the mistake of believing there is empathy or remorse in there somewhere, there is not. (See Narcissistic Personality Disorder on the Deathbed ).
If there happens to be some expression presented as an apology to someone, listen to it carefully.
1. Listen for a subtle shifting of blame away from the narcissist, which I like to call a "non-apology." It will never happen spontaneously as you or I would apologize to someone because we are truly sorry. For example, you accidentally step on someone's foot and almost as a reflex you apologize. It is never like that with a narcissist because not only are they not sorry, but they have been plotting, seething and scheming to do whatever they did. They are also seething that anyone could think they did anything deserving of an apology.
2. If it gives the appearance of an apology, there is an ulterior motive in there if you look for it. For example, the narcissist gives the "apology" not for the benefit of the person on the receiving end, but for the benefit of an audience who happens to be the narcissistic supply and flying monkeys. Again, they are not truly sorry, but if they do not pretend to be it could cost them in the eyes of their all important narcissistic supply and flying monkeys.

 

[crossnote]

Today's narcicissm can be traced to the Pietists of the 18th century who took theology from the Objective (what did Christ do concerning our redemption) and began EMPHASIZING the subjective (what experience can I have to make me assured I am His?). Going down this path leads to a ME theology rather than a HE theology.

 

[danschance]

It is true some people here are not pleasant to deal with. Sometimes that includes you, me and almost everyone on the planet at one time or another. You seem to obsess about some here. How do you think it makes others feel? I am sorry they hurt your feelings or insulted you or whatever they did to you. You need some resolution even if they won't give it to you. One thing you can do is put them on ignore and move on.

This thread is not open for debate...

I think you have made this statement before. The problem is anyone can debate it.

 

[Stephen63]

Today's narcicissm can be traced to the Pietists of the 18th century who took theology from the Objective (what did Christ do concerning our redemption) and began EMPHASIZING the subjective (what experience can I have to make me assured I am His?). Going down this path leads to a ME theology rather than a HE theology.

Ummm........ There are more narcissism cases in the world than there are in the church. Don't think theology itself is the problem.

 

[gb9]

you are right about forgive and forget. very misused in the Church.