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Can't Break Up

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, 1 Week Ago at 01:00 PM (82 Views)
Why I'm posting on a Christian forum to try and solve my problems, I don't know. This is normally not me, but I need an outlet and sharing with friends/family right now is not possible. Talking to God is tricky too, though I know that's coming- it just hurts to do so. I just need to vent and feel like I've been heard/considered even if I'm not. I think this helps in working through my own problems and who knows what God will do with that. Not a fan of pity responses, so please don't feel the need if you happen upon this. If God puts something on your heart, than sure, but really I'm not fishing for a response.

Spiritual/ actual life stopped for me when I started going out with my boyfriend who is not a believer in the same way as I am. After 2.5 years at college and an attempt to stay strong in my faith and be a missionary of sorts to the people at school (even though I felt like God didn't want me there- I couldn't say no to the people who seemed to need me there), I gave up on faith my last semester. This resulted in me sleeping with my roommate who is now my boyfriend. We broke up early on because I wanted to try faith again, but my commitment wasn't strong enough and we kept talking because I still wanted to be friends and because he didn't know many people/have many friends after school. As we started pursuing the same careers we talked more and got together again. Our relationship has been a bit dramatic and WAY too future oriented. Like he talks about us as a permanent couple all the time and I feel like I have to join in or if things get hard I get scared and start going there myself. He is a very unhealthy person for me and perhaps at this point in general from my perspective. I fear he will be abusive too later on (emotionally, verbally, and maybe more). I don't want to have kids with him because I don't want them getting that from him or repercussions from me and the effects it would have on me. If I break up with him, he will be devastated, but if we end up together, I will die inside so much and end up leaving him because God is my first love and I know I won't be able to stay away from Him that long. This relationship is ruining my life and all opportunity I have to help the people in my life to get out of their relationship/faith problems. Not that I'm the solution so to speak, but God used to reveal solutions to me all the time on what to say/ how to help people and how to make them feel His love/acceptance. Everything was perfectly clear. Additionally, not many of my family in Christ even know that I left the faith and am in a relationship like this. I don't know how to leave him/ what to say/do. And afterwards I'm going to need so much healing time that I don't know if I'll be strong enough to stay away. I feel helpless. He thinks I'm in love with him back. He doesn't realize that our communication sucks and our relationship is foundationally shot. How do I make him see? I never wanted to be in a relationship while I was in God's will. I wanted to give up everything 100% to Him as a single person in love with a God who is saving the world by His love. What do I even do?

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  1. Ugly's Avatar
    You need to post in the forums, not the blogs. Blogs get few if any answers. Forums are where people interact.
    Also the second part of your post is a wall of text. Try breaking it up into paragraphs so it's easier for people to read.
  2. Ugly's Avatar
    While i'm here i'll answer, though. This entire post is nothing but you stating your own answer. Your issue here isn't that you don't know what to do but that you feel trapped between guilt and doing what is right. That wording alone should make things more clear.

    An interesting thing i've learned recently is that often times when we react with guilt we are Not protecting other people, we are protecting ourselves. It's often a selfish act that we tell ourselves is selfless.
    The options here... tell him you want to break up, he suffers the pain of a breakup, recovers and is free to move on with his life, while you're able to live your life as well. And not have some idol destroying your future and your spiritual walk.
    Or don't tell him, marry him and ruin your life, ruin your walk with God. And when the inevitable divorce happens it'll be much worse for him than a breakup now.
    Which one is really protecting him and which one is hurting him worse?
    One option makes things hard on someone for a little while, the other option ruins two lives and kills someones spiritual walk.

    Be honest with yourself, to protect your own feelings (not his, like you tell yourself) right now you're setting God aside. People break up. People recover from breakups. I've been in some very close relationships that were ended on me. And i'm still here. I survived.

    The real question you have to ask yourself is whether or not your commitment to God is really as strong as you think. You abandon God and His ways for a man. And you stay away from God to stay with this man. In actuality you're choosing this man over God. No doubt you'll deny it, but that's exactly what your actions are doing whether you want to admit it or not.

    Also you say there's signs of potential abuse (a huge accusation, by the way), yet you still won't leave because it will 'devastate' him. How devastating will it be the first time he screams at you? Calls you names? Puts you down? Hits you? What about the second time? Third time? Twentieth time? What if you're married and feel obligated to stay? If you don't have the guts to end things now you won't have the guts to refuse him children either. What if he abuses them? Or you in front of them?

    This entire situation screams nothing but destroyed lives and your excuse is 'i don't want him to feel bad'. Is that really using any wisdom? Is that really the truth? There's more going on.

    You don't know what to do or say? Break up with him. Don't lie or make excuses. Sit down, talk with him like an adult. Avoid saying things that are accusing (such as the comments about potential abuse) and instead cover some basic reasons.

    The choice is easy. Doing what's right is often much harder. But not doing what's right is the REAL devastating part.
  3. mcubed's Avatar
    What a BUNCH OF CRAP!!! Your communication does not suck, he does not care what you say; you are obviously a talker. Destroy your life don't destroy with him. When your done G-d will be there. ANYONE OVER 3 YEARS OLD, who was not raped as a baby has baggage, so the question is not for us but you what kind of baggage do you want to have? You already sound damaged and if your thinking how wants you, if I was a guy I would not but G-d still does and He can fix....