The War I'm Waging
by, January 7th, 2017 at 09:18 PM (162 Views)
I've made a mess lately, and have been struggling to deal with the aftermath of my own stupidity. I made a horrible mistake kissing a friend who has a girlfriend, something I never imagined I would be capable of. I blocked it out for the first few days and just pushed it down as deep as I could before I couldn't take it any longer. We ended up talking so that I could get things clear in my head. It actually helped, and will help me move on in the long run, but he has said after that we can meet up now and again and chat if I like. Obviously this is a bad idea.
I feel such a strong pull towards him, and I know in my head that is not from God. I am constantly fighting with my own heart and it's painful. Whenever I start to crumble, I feel God reaching out to me and trying to pull me back. Then I feel the strong pull again, that I'm starting to realise is coming from Satan. He is attacking me all the time, and God is fighting on my behalf as I am too weak on my own.
I know that God loves me and wants to protect me, but I also believe the devil is powerful as well and he has his hooks right in me. I feel like I have given him control over my heart somewhere down the line and failed in withstanding him. I know God can win this battle and heal me, I just feel so scared and unhappy. I want to draw close to God again like I was before, but I still feel this divide (which is of my own making) between us. I am praying but I feel disconnected and alone. I used to feel so secure in His love and His protection. I know one day I will look back at this trial and praise God for seeing me through, I just need to get to that day.