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Owning Up.

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by , March 16th, 2017 at 08:14 PM (320 Views)
So much has happened in 2017, starting with possibly the biggest mistake of my life. I have worn myself out emotionally going over the whole messy thing these last months, and am finally reaching closure (I think). I finally understand what went wrong.

I got comfortable. I felt safe. I have been a Christian for years now and I go to church regularly, volunteer within church, do my best to be a "good" person and all that. I was reading my Bible and praying just regularly enough to feel secure in that too. Like I say, I was comfy. I was "just-so". Getting by. But I had no spark, no fire. My heart was no longer connected to God as deeply as it once was. I had neglected the relationship and let it grow stale and distant. I had stopped listened for Him, in fact I no longer even invited Him to speak. I was doing my own thing, without even realising. That was how comfortable I had gotten, I didn't look at my relationship with God or my attitude and didn't look for opportunities to grow. I was happy to remain where I was.

This false illusion of safety hid a magnitude of problems in my heart and allowed all sorts of things to creep in that had no place there. I can see clearly now in hindsight that the space for God got smaller and smaller until my heart was nearly full with anything BUT God, including this guy who DEFINITELY had no place being there. For some reason I blamed myself for the hurt of the girl, and blamed him for my hurt but I can't blame him for hurting me when I was the one who opened myself up and gave him that place in my heart. I gave him the power to hurt me and was actually surprised when he did. We are both equally to blame for the hurt of everyone involved. He hurt her just as much as I did, just as I hurt myself just as much as he did.

When I realised my mistake with this guy and started trying to put my world to rights I still held back part of my heart and part of myself from God. The parts that were tied to this guy, because I knew what God would do with them and I - for some reason I still don't understand - didn't want to give that over to Him. I wasn't ready to let go, even though it was toxic and unhealthy to hold on. As I have worked through this, I have felt my heart changing in a way I have never experienced before. I feel hungry for God, and I have a new confidence in Him and all He is capable of. I have a fresh appreciation of grace and the depth of that too, given the extent I have experienced it recently. I have been really digging into my Bible, praying purposefully, have joined a life group in church, have been filling up with spiritual food like books, music, podcasts etc. I have been genuinely pursuing God for the first time in a long, long time.

On Sunday 12th March 2017 I recommitted my heart to God; fully and completely. For real this time. My eyes were open to how lukewarm I had become and how far I had drifter and I just knew I needed to reignite that relationship with God and surrender my heart and all the mess of it over to God. To entrust EVERYTHING to Him, not just certain parts.

The situation with this guy has finally been confronted, through God's strength alone and certainly not my own. I told his girlfriend and she offered me understanding, kindness and forgiveness in return for my long-overdue honesty. She doesn't even blame me for what happened. I hurt her deeply and I feel the burden of that, I don't know how long it will take for me to forgive myself. I have forgiven him, and that is something. I am working on the rest. I am free of the lies I buried myself under and that is a relief to my soul. Being accountable for my mistake, and forcing him to be accountable, was essential and something I should've realised I couldn't avoid. I never could have accepted God's forgiveness and felt at home in my church if I hadn't confessed my sin. I needed to do it for me as much as for this girl, I didn't realise until I did it how badly I needed it.

God gave me a verse the other night which was relating to the Israelites and how they kept forgetting God and straying from His ways, and it said "He remembered they were merely mortal" and so He time and again "held back his anger" and He redeemed them in the end; and it reminded me that God knows my weaknesses and can turn anything, even this, into something good somehow. God will never forsake me another verse I read this past week spoke of how "I still belong to [Him]" even after doing terrible things. My sin runs deep but God's love runs deeper and more powerfully. He can overcome anything for me, I just need to open myself up to Him completely and stay tuned into Him instead of walking to my own rhythm.
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  1. Rosyshine's Avatar
    Thank you for sharing this. It convicts my heart about things I need to confess, how I need to draw closer. I find myself avoiding those things out of fear, and some things I just don't want to give up. I feel torn between wanting to be totally surrendered and being really scared of that.