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Yahweh_is_gracious

Self doubt and questioning

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by , September 5th, 2016 at 10:02 AM (289 Views)
My Dad is resting comfortably and I have a bit of time to get out something that has been on my mind the past few days.

My short time back here at CC has been a very educational experience. I think sometimes the best lessons are the ones learned harshly or from a strict teacher. Since I've been back here, I've come to doubt everything I held a tenuous belief in, which lets me know my belief wasn't very strong to begin with. I'm not surprised to be honest, but I find it illuminating to have all this laid out for me to look at and deal with.

There are many things about Christianity I can accept at face value. Most of those are simple logic, and logic is hard to ignore. The things I have issues with are the ones that must be accepted on faith or because it is written in the Bible...which necessitates a faith that what is written is truth.
What brings this matter to the surface forcing me to evaluate my status are things like prayer, for one example. I've tried to pray in the past. It doesn't do anything for me. Where many people see prayer as a private commune with God, all I get out of it is me talking to myself or to thin air. I don't believe God listens to me. It wouldn't surprise me to learn He very well hears me, but chooses to ignore me. I've also had issue with asking for anything in prayer. Who am I to ask anything? I'm nothing. The reason I am so abrasive towards others and so uncaring about their reactions to the things I say is because, deep down to the core of my being, I hate myself. Makes no difference to me what others think of me because it won't change how I feel towards myself. Having this opinion of myself, who do I think I am to presume to ask anything of anyone, let alone God?

I also harbor a resentment towards God. There is no reason on this Earth why I should have survived my suicide attempt. Somehow, I did, and back then, even before I had any interest in spirituality, I wondered if it was God's intervention that saved my life. If it was, then I wondered why, and I resented Him for it and still do to some degree. That's something He and I will have to get settled one of these days.

It's been said in passing that what I am doing for my Dad - being his caretaker - is a good thing and something I will be rewarded for. I disagree. I don't do any of my duties here at the house with a glad heart. I don't find any joy in wiping someone's butt or bathing them or having to cook meals comprised of unhealthy foods...or any of the rest of the burdensome stuff I do day in and day out. This duty I have had thrust upon me is just building more and more resentment in me, and how could I possibly be rewarded for it? That makes no sense. I disagree so strongly I feel confident in saying I would reject any potential rewards. Of course, I'm pretty well convinced that I won't be allowed into Heaven. I certainly wouldn't want to share Heaven with someone like me. Would you?

I'm reflecting on a lot today. I have a lot to sort through. I'd better change my status on my profile to read non-Christian or unsure. I know I don't belong in the Christian category.
rspielmann likes this.

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  1. MadParrotWoman's Avatar
    My dear brother, do you honestly see any of us as any more worthy than yourself? We have all failed dismally and still do - daily. The beauty of Christ is that we don't have to be perfect but to believe in Him and accept Him as our Lord and saviour, He died so we don't have to be perfect - only that we do our best and despite what you say you DO believe in Him or you would ignore any such place as this (CC) and you do all these things for your dad despite it being a job most of us would do through gritted teeth.

    You were born for a reason - God's reason and that is why we don't choose when we leave this world - God does and when He brings us to a place He wants us to be He will then make us perfect and fit to dwell with Him.

    Trust me - if I am good enough you are!
  2. rspielmann's Avatar
    Thank you for your honesty. You're not alone.
  3. Yahweh_is_gracious's Avatar
    I try to not compare myself to other people because it's not fair to them or to me. Besides, it's one of those silly exercises I don't understand why people spend so much time busying themselves with.

    I'm confused and I'm looking for answers. I can't find them. Nothing I read, or watch, or try to study, or do gives me any sense of peace or that I am on the path I need to be on. If I was spared from ending my life for a reason, I must have missed the memo. At night when I finally am able to turn in for some much needed sleep, I look at the crucifix hanging on the wall over my bed where I would usually kneel to pray, and the first thought that comes to my mind is "You won't talk to me, so I'm not going to talk to you". That seems a horrible thing to say, and I know it's probably not the best attitude to have, but it's how I feel.

    See, I have nothing to lose nor gain by being completely honest and upfront about how I am feeling. I have no ego to bruise. With no sense of self worth, it's not a concern if people think less of me because they can never think less than I think of myself. I spent so much of my life trying to live a lie. I put myself through trials merely to build up a facade that others could somehow accept because they can't accept me as I am without the lies masking the truth. I got to a point though where I couldn't do that to myself or to others anymore, and seeing myself as I really am and being so disgusted by it, I find it hard to see what's worthy of saving...and it makes me somehow question God's reason if He was in fact the one that saved me from my own suicide attempt.
  4. CharlieGrown's Avatar
    "doubt" and "questioning" both have something in common, a missing answer. I'm highly inquisitive maybe like you. Some things I cannot let go of without the answer. Of course the harder more hidden doubts and questions I may solve one day and then the next, life rips it out my hands. I can and do have undeniable proof 2, 5, maybe 30 years ago that God intervened and saved my life so dramatically, yet today this meat thresher of life won't allow me to recall it or even care about it. We can have undeniable proof that the beast that steals our lives and loved ones is allowed in to do his thing for a season. Why are we here and for how long? The fact that we even ask these questions shows an interconnection with Him.

    The biggest tragedy to me about the suicide thing is what IF the whole thing was set to change tomorrow? Freewill vs divine intervention, who knows maybe both play a mixed part. I think a healthy anger is called for. What if we have an unseen enemy whose such a coward that he constantly schemes just to bring us down so he/she can hoist us up like some sick trophy? That gives me jet fuel, this life is freakishly unimportant...a joke with no punch line especially now days. But the next life? Let that be revenge on this slug satan who should not even be. PM me for an ear to listen.
  5. Dai3234's Avatar
    Your not going to be told everything god is doing for you, or using you, for someone else. Would your dad prefer you, or a foreign/state carer. I have similar mental questions. But guilt of us knowing we are NOT worthy, is what drags us down. I fail every week. The mind won't be quiet long enough to get peace. Annoyance is another mind twister. It's somewhat easy to get some peace and feel closer to God in an open tranquil space. When you and hopefully I, can get past being annoyed so often, maybe we will hear better and or receive more, as the door is opened wider to hear. Accept were not worthy and never will be, but we've received a gift of pardon as it were.