My husband and the drama that follows PART 2 UPDATE!

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Dec 3, 2013
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#41
I neglected to state some insights into your situation.

I understand his mother and family don't like you and they don't exactly hide the fact.

I can relate to that. My husband's family of origin is dysfunctional and they treated me like crap from day one. My family of origin also is dysfunctional and they never accepted my husband either. The point being is that when his mother, especially, insults you and rejects you she is actually insulting her own son indirectly and using you to do it. So he is not as close to his mother as you may think. In fact she may be a narcissist. Is your husband the black sheep of the family? If so then this behavior actually makes a lot of sense.

You need to set boundaries and let his family know that it is not okay to treat you like crap and that you won't put up with it. If he wants to go see his family and they can't respect you then he can go alone and they don't have to come to your home. If his family had any sense they would at least be civil towards you even if they didn't like you for the sake of your husband. But their failure to do so points to a dysfunctional family system.

Both my husband's parents are dead now. But before his mother died he went alone out of province to see her. He didn't want me there because he knows how I am treated by her and didn't want to put me through that. He went for a couple of days and it didn't bother me. The first time in 24 years that we were ever physically separated. He phoned me when he was staying with his sister so it worked out fine.

In fact when his mother died he didn't want me to go to the funeral either because he knows his family doesn't accept me but in that case I said I'm going whether you like it or not to be a support for him. He even argued with me about driving there because it is an out of province 11 hour drive but I told him I am driving the whole way because he is not driving because of the emotional upset. My eyes were burning in the last hour but I'm stubborn and I made it. My husband even boasted to his family that I drove the whole way by myself but they could care less.

So my point is that his family is dysfunctional and it started way before you came into the picture. And your husband needs to break away from his family of origin emotionally if not physically not only for the sake of your marriage but also for his own sake.
Thank you for your response, yes everything you've mentioned has been exactly what has happened, I am trusting God to take over now because my husband cannot remove himself on his own, his family literally has a hold in him.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
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#42
I recently posted about my situation with my husband and his family.
Here is the update:
My husband and I exchanged words, he threatened me I called the police, he called his mother.
She picked him up, he packed up all his belongings and left, he called a few days later and asked for his mail. I wasn't sure if I was ready to see him but I prepared myself, he never came to get it. I suggested to him that I could give it to the neighbor who is his friend, he said no.
A few couple days ago he called again for his mail and I decided to sit my pride aside and let him know how I feel, so I apologized to him for my part in the argument before he left, I asked him to forgive me and he did. He also apologized for his part as well. He says that he doesn't want to be with me and that I should move on with my life and be happy, and also said he wanted to move on too because he thinks we are not good for each other and that I keep trying to put him in jail.

He didn't allow me to really speak because I was telling him that I love him and I want the marriage to work, also that I couldn't see myself with anyone else. He refused to listen and said he didn't really want to talk. So we ended the conversation.

I went out to the club with my best friend I had not been out in 4 years and guys tried to talk to me, I've never felt so uncomfortable in my life all I could think about was my husband.

So I sent him a text because I needed him to know how I felt and there is no way he couldn't let me talk because he would be reading a text.
I told him I was at the club, I told him about the guys, and he was very upset with me about it. I was confused at his reaction.

He called me to talk about the text and immediately brushed everything off questioning why i would want to be with him a nd send him to jail. He was so cold hearted, i asked him why he was being so cold hearted if he really loved me, he said because he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I'm so hurt right now, I'm lost for words and i don't know what to do. I still want my marriage and cannot see myself with anyone else, i didn't marry him to get a divorce. Need advice please.
When you told him about going to the bar, and having guys hit on you, what kind of reaction did you expect him to have? Of course he would be mad, and probably jealous too! Why was his reaction so confusing to you? You're hurt, that's understandable, but you're not wanting to accept what he keeps telling you. What you did only made things worse. I agree with blondensmart's reply. There is alot of immaturity in your relationship, on BOTH sides. I agree that the two of you need good quality intensive counseling because obviously this is'nt going to work itself out with the way you're approaching it.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
70,862
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#43
Okay I'm going to respond to this one by one, first of all how could it possibly be clear to YOU when you do not know me or him? You only know what has been written and responded. My husband and I have been married for longer than what can be summed up in this thread or any previous thread that has been written.

How could you know that he keeps saying to move on? If he wanted to move on he wouldn't be calling me and trust that we couldn't possibly have an hour long conversation about his mail.
I tell people what I want them to know and expect a response that makes sense hoping that I can get a response from someone with experience, but it doesn't always work like that, it's clear from your responses, which have been extremely rude to me and others, you could've sat your pride down and admitted to the fact that you really know nothing about marriage, also might I add that as a SINGLE CHRISTIAN, it's better to not respond with a personal response because you have no idea what God has in store for anyone, you never know, you could be speaking against what God is actually trying to do.
So you as a SINGLE CHRISTIAN should always refer a situation you know nothing about back towards God and pray for that person, not add your 2 cents in. Going back and forth with people is not of God and definitely fighting with scripture you clearly don't understand is even worse. As Christians we are to try our best to be like Christ, and your approach is not it.

Also how can you separate hopefulness and reality? God gives us hope, he instills faith and God is REALITY.

How could you assume that my husband is moving on? God allows things for a reason. He could just be working on him.
be careful what you say to other your tongue has the power to speak life and death as well as being things into existence.

Also being "Biased" does not mean what you think, I'm guessing you might be a little young. A married couple that is not on either side can be biased to another married couple. You my dear can only be biased to your single category. Thank you for your response honey but if you cannot take the mature approach and take in some wisdom for your future reference, don't bother to comment. Also don't be so quick to speak and slow to think.
RESPECTFULLY you need to stay in your lane. Thank you for your response anyways. Seeing how your single and all your responses were appreciated but irrelevant.
You keep telling us that he called to get his mail. What you have not told us is what else did you talk about during that hour? Did you talk about staying together and working on your marriage? If so then thats a start in the right direction. I have not intended to sound insensitive or rude in my replies, and I'm sorry if I offended you BUT I call everything as I see it. It sounds like you are both immature and need to grow up. You're definitely in need of some good quality counseling!! You came on here asking for advice. But you seem to only want to hear positive advice, and not negative. Everything you've told us so far is negative!! His family hates you, he's a mama's boy who favors her over you, he's been verbally/ physically abusive, he keeps saying he doesnt want this marriage, you get in a fight and call the cops, he threatens you and leaves. I agree with the poster who said this relationship is toxic!!

Right now both of your minds are in different places. He's dealing with alot right now, as are you. You went to the bar out of hurt. He went to mama because apparently she makes him feel safe. You tell him guys hit on you and he gets mad and that confuses you? How did you expect him to react?

I know God can do anything, but you need to be prepared to accept that this situation may not end how you want it to. Sometimes God's answer is No, and you don't seem to want to hear that word. Even if this does end in divorce, the 2 of you can part as friends, and you don't necessarily have to be with someone else. I really do hope that this works out the way you hope it will, but I also hope you're prepared to accept that it might not. As for me being "rather young", I will take that as a compliment, even though I'm only a few years younger than yourself. :) I have been, and am, praying for you. Good luck.
 
J

Jaquan

Guest
#44
Wow. What a disappointment this thread has turned into...

To blue_ladybug, why do you keep repeating yourself? You aren't listening closely enough to what people are saying or your own belief system (if you're Christian). You yourself are missing things that are "crystal clear".

I think the OP wants support and to avoid divorce. That's what she would expect from a Christian forum. That's why she came here. She doesn't want to be advised to simply give up nor is that in any way necessary or good. That would be contrary to the vows she made and the Christian idea of marriage.
---

To the OP: If you want to do your best for your marriage you're going to have to be patient and focused. Avoiding temptation (like clubbing) is huge right now.

It sounds like your husband has already gone to the brink many times. If he keeps getting angry and pushing back he needs time and space. Probably much more than you're used to giving. It can be hard to change patterns.

It may not be easy to accept where your husband has placed you right now, but I think that would be the most attractive thing you could do for him (with caveats).

In the end, for the marriage to work at its best you'll each have to start thinking about how you can serve each other, I think - putting yourselves in each others' shoes. You can do your part today, again, by respecting the space your husband created and by loving *patiently* from a distance.

I appreciate that you are keeping a positive outlook on your marriage and the responsibilities it includes. I hope you will be encouraged and supported in taking a good approach for the long haul.

Peace,
 
Jul 12, 2014
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#45
Keep up the faith ..trust God ..he will make all things work 'TOGETHER 'for your good... still praying for you sister...draw to God and he will draw your husband to you ...

PEACE!!
 

LRG

Banned
Jun 14, 2014
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#46
Agreed. Ladybug is becoming a pain in the butt.

And also agreed that the clubs are off limits. Kind of like walking into a lion's den.

However, her husband was not very wise to leave the way he did. He in essence has abandoned her and if they own a home together and if it ever went to a divorce then that would not look good for him.

It is better to stay together and work it out. If you need space then go to the garage or basement.

But of course that is my opinion and I have enough of my own problems.
 

LRG

Banned
Jun 14, 2014
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#47
You keep telling us that he called to get his mail. What you have not told us is what else did you talk about during that hour? Did you talk about staying together and working on your marriage? If so then thats a start in the right direction. I have not intended to sound insensitive or rude in my replies, and I'm sorry if I offended you BUT I call everything as I see it. It sounds like you are both immature and need to grow up. You're definitely in need of some good quality counseling!! You came on here asking for advice. But you seem to only want to hear positive advice, and not negative. Everything you've told us so far is negative!! His family hates you, he's a mama's boy who favors her over you, he's been verbally/ physically abusive, he keeps saying he doesnt want this marriage, you get in a fight and call the cops, he threatens you and leaves. I agree with the poster who said this relationship is toxic!!

Right now both of your minds are in different places. He's dealing with alot right now, as are you. You went to the bar out of hurt. He went to mama because apparently she makes him feel safe. You tell him guys hit on you and he gets mad and that confuses you? How did you expect him to react?

I know God can do anything, but you need to be prepared to accept that this situation may not end how you want it to. Sometimes God's answer is No, and you don't seem to want to hear that word. Even if this does end in divorce, the 2 of you can part as friends, and you don't necessarily have to be with someone else. I really do hope that this works out the way you hope it will, but I also hope you're prepared to accept that it might not. As for me being "rather young", I will take that as a compliment, even though I'm only a few years younger than yourself. :) I have been, and am, praying for you. Good luck.
Please stop with the nonsense already. Who do you think instituted marriage in the first place? Was it not God? If people get divorced it was certainly not God's will but man's. Do you know the difference between God's divine will and his permissive will? God permits or allows people to do things but that does not mean that that is what God wants. People do things against God all the time. Otherwise this world would not be in such a mess.

I would agree the op should not be in a club because she is still married and a Christian but sometimes people who are desperate and hurting do stupid things. And maybe she did try to make her husband jealous and provoke him in that manner. That would only tell me that that is how desperate she is for some validation from her husband that he is obviously not giving her. That would be more the fault of the husband not meeting his wife's needs for validation and emotional connectedness.

And this momma's boy obviously comes from a dysfunctional family where he learned to relate in a dysfunctional way. I'll bet there is some narcissism in his family of origin. His family disrespecting his wife is not what a loving and close family would do but it is what a sick and dysfunctional family would do.

I don't think you get what is really going on so why keep going on and on with misconceptions?
 
Dec 3, 2013
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#48
I would like to thank everyone for their responses. I am giving it to the Lord. Please continue to keep me and my family in your prayers.
 

Jimbone

Senior Member
Aug 22, 2014
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#49
I would like to thank everyone for their responses. I am giving it to the Lord. Please continue to keep me and my family in your prayers.
We will sister, we love you and just hit us up if you need to.