How do I control my frustration with my GF?

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R

Rudaayyy

Guest
#1
#1
I am 25 years old my gf is 19,
She has cancer and other health issues,
I love her, I take care of her, I do my best to show her all the affection I can, I do my best to give her as much of my time possible, I am a full time student at a university and have a part time job.
She is very emotional and I understand with the Cancer,
We have been together for almost 1 year and half and at first I had all the patience in the world,
but as time passed her emotions began feeling like a vicious circle that has made me depressed,
I pray to god for help and i try different things to break the vicious circle but not have really made a difference,
She tells me I don't love her as much as she loves me, she tells me I am not emotional enough, she tell me I intimidate her she tells me why don't i show more? and I ask her what do you mean??? I love you I always give you every spare moment I have and yet you tell me it is not enough?
After she tell me these things she persists and says I am the love of her life and I am the one and special to her yet since we have been together the whole 1 year and half i would say she has cried 90% of the relationship, and it has taken its toll on me greatly.
I understand she has cancer and is sick but I never gave her pity and always do my best to show her god has a plan for her and she will fight it, she says she prays but I feel its demons that drive her crazy.
At this point its hard for me to have patience because as soon as she starts getting emotional I just cant handle it anymore and I want to get away because I feel hurt that all I have done has show merely no progress, I pray and hope.
And my faith in god is all I have.
 
violakat

violakat

Senior Member
#2
Apr 23, 2014
1,236
21
38
#2
Rudaayyy, Put yourself in her shoes. She's 19, facing death at a very young age, when most girls are going off to college. Some are getting married and starting families. She, however, is most likely not able to go to college, depending on the treatments she's taking, as well as the effect it has on her. Not only that, she's probably in constant pain, as well as week as anything. Any of those things can take a toll on a girl's emotional well being, not to mention self-esteem. But when you combine them, it makes it worse.

Now, you are dealing with the emotions of a loved one who probably wants to take the cancer away, and a bunch of over stuff, don't really feel like going into. (Understand, my mom is a cancer survivor, and my dad died from it, so I really do understand some of what you are feeling.) You also have probably not taken sometime for yourself, which by the way, is very important. (I say this because of what you said about spending all your spare time with her.) Because, not taking some time to breathe and destress, allows the tension inside of you to increase over more then what you can handle. You need to force yourself to take some downtime, so you can rest up yourself. By doing so, things tend to become slightly easier to manage. Also, when you are with her, just keep reassuring her that you love her and will be with her. That's mainly what she needs, reassurance. It may take forever, but hopefully, one day it will sink in.
 
R

Rudaayyy

Guest
#3
#3
She goes to university with me, she has full support of her family and friends, I feel she is spoiled at times,
I have tried to give myself some time but she starts with accusations that I just do not want to deal with her,
or that I just do not love her ect, And my goal is never to hurt her or make her feel like that in any way so I try harder,
At this point I am burnt out because she makes me feel like I am the only one that can save her but its not true, I tell her I am not her true savior and she still gets upset, I do my best to do the christian thing or what my gut tells me to do but still never enough.
I can still continue this relationship but sometimes I feel its time to move on.
 
P

presidente

Senior Member
#4
May 29, 2013
9,083
1,749
113
#4
I commend you for being patient and being with her through this time of suffering. She's going through difficulty and her emotions are probably all over the place.

I remember when I worked in Asia, in the first country I worked in as an English teacher, one of the criteria some of the young people had for choosing a spouse was good health. I hadn't thought of it that way, but your girlfriend should see it as a blessing that you would want to stay with her while she is sick.

I can understand why a woman having emotions like that and blaming you for the way you are would frustrate you. If you are behaving yourselves, and you are both young like this, and you didn't care for being this way, you could consider breaking up over it. But she has cancer and you care about her, and a break up would add more stress. So I can appreciate your dilemma.

One thing to keep in mind, though, if she wants you to reassure you of her love for her, consider the ethics of characters in Charles Dickens and Jane Austen. The men try not to get girls to interested in them. If they do, they may feel an obligation to marry them. I've noticed that sense of ethics in movies about those books. It wasn't something I was exposed to in my modern culture about dating. But if you aren't ready to propose to a girl, it makes sense not to get her to invest her whole heart into you. Telling her you love her, and then eventually dumping her can do some damage. Just going forward, you might consider that. If you tell a woman you love her before you have enough information to know if she'd be a good wife could cause her some heartbreak later on, and yourself also.
 
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Jamal

Banned
#5
Sep 29, 2014
347
1
0
#5
"She tells me I don't love her as much as she loves me."

I expect you're feeling pressure, being 25 and still single. You also must have a lot of sympathy for her, given her cancer. But, don't let either of these two points keep you in a relationship that may not be right. Are you ready to marry someone who is so emotionally manipulative? Think clearly, was she like that before having cancer?

Love is just a fleeting emotion, not enough for a lasting marriage.

I'd have her read what you posted here. And, consider what you're doing that may be feeding her games. When she tells you that you don't love her as much as she loves you, it would be better to chuckle than to plead that she's wrong.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#6
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
9,601
113
#6
Rudaayyy said:
I am 25 years old my gf is 19,
She has cancer and other health issues,
I love her, I take care of her, I do my best to show her all the affection I can, I do my best to give her as much of my time possible, I am a full time student at a university and have a part time job.
She is very emotional and I understand with the Cancer,
We have been together for almost 1 year and half and at first I had all the patience in the world,
but as time passed her emotions began feeling like a vicious circle that has made me depressed,
I pray to god for help and i try different things to break the vicious circle but not have really made a difference,
She tells me I don't love her as much as she loves me, she tells me I am not emotional enough, she tell me I intimidate her she tells me why don't i show more? and I ask her what do you mean??? I love you I always give you every spare moment I have and yet you tell me it is not enough?
After she tell me these things she persists and says I am the love of her life and I am the one and special to her yet since we have been together the whole 1 year and half i would say she has cried 90% of the relationship, and it has taken its toll on me greatly.
I understand she has cancer and is sick but I never gave her pity and always do my best to show her god has a plan for her and she will fight it, she says she prays but I feel its demons that drive her crazy.
At this point its hard for me to have patience because as soon as she starts getting emotional I just cant handle it anymore and I want to get away because I feel hurt that all I have done has show merely no progress, I pray and hope.
And my faith in god is all I have.
Click to expand...
Rudy, as a woman who has survived cancer, let me tell you that when you hear the words "you have cancer" from a doctor, it scares the crap out of you!! Her emotions are all over the place right now. Just continue to love her and show support. Don't try to give her beyond what you are able to give. The worst thing (IMO) to give a sick person is pity. Don't treat her any differently just because she has cancer now. With all her health issues, it sounds like she's trying to play the "poor me" card for all it's worth. Don't let her make you feel guilty, just tell her that you trust everything will be okay. :)
 
L

LRG

Banned
#7
Jun 14, 2014
312
2
0
#7
Rudaayyy said:
I am 25 years old my gf is 19,
She has cancer and other health issues,
I love her, I take care of her, I do my best to show her all the affection I can, I do my best to give her as much of my time possible, I am a full time student at a university and have a part time job.
She is very emotional and I understand with the Cancer,
We have been together for almost 1 year and half and at first I had all the patience in the world,
but as time passed her emotions began feeling like a vicious circle that has made me depressed,
I pray to god for help and i try different things to break the vicious circle but not have really made a difference,
She tells me I don't love her as much as she loves me, she tells me I am not emotional enough, she tell me I intimidate her she tells me why don't i show more? and I ask her what do you mean??? I love you I always give you every spare moment I have and yet you tell me it is not enough?
After she tell me these things she persists and says I am the love of her life and I am the one and special to her yet since we have been together the whole 1 year and half i would say she has cried 90% of the relationship, and it has taken its toll on me greatly.
I understand she has cancer and is sick but I never gave her pity and always do my best to show her god has a plan for her and she will fight it, she says she prays but I feel its demons that drive her crazy.
At this point its hard for me to have patience because as soon as she starts getting emotional I just cant handle it anymore and I want to get away because I feel hurt that all I have done has show merely no progress, I pray and hope.
And my faith in god is all I have.
Click to expand...
If you want to have a close relationship with a female then you need to learn how to deal with emotions. You may think you are giving but perhaps you are not giving what she really needs. Have you asked her specifically what she needs from you instead of giving her what you think she needs? Also she may feel insecure so she needs your reassurance. If that is what she needs then give it to her. Love means doing what is best for her and not what is convenient for you.
 
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LRG

Banned
#8
Jun 14, 2014
312
2
0
#8
Jamal said:
"She tells me I don't love her as much as she loves me."

I expect you're feeling pressure, being 25 and still single. You also must have a lot of sympathy for her, given her cancer. But, don't let either of these two points keep you in a relationship that may not be right. Are you ready to marry someone who is so emotionally manipulative? Think clearly, was she like that before having cancer?

Love is just a fleeting emotion, not enough for a lasting marriage.

I'd have her read what you posted here. And, consider what you're doing that may be feeding her games. When she tells you that you don't love her as much as she loves you, it would be better to chuckle than to plead that she's wrong.
Click to expand...
Love is not a fleeting emotion. It is a choice. Love weathers the storms. Love never fails.

I would not suggest laughing at someone who feels insecure for whatever reason. That is cruel and abusive.
 
L

LRG

Banned
#9
Jun 14, 2014
312
2
0
#9
blue_ladybug said:
Rudy, as a woman who has survived cancer, let me tell you that when you hear the words "you have cancer" from a doctor, it scares the crap out of you!! Her emotions are all over the place right now. Just continue to love her and show support. Don't try to give her beyond what you are able to give. The worst thing (IMO) to give a sick person is pity. Don't treat her any differently just because she has cancer now. With all her health issues, it sounds like she's trying to play the "poor me" card for all it's worth. Don't let her make you feel guilty, just tell her that you trust everything will be okay. :)
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Poor me??? Why are you so cold? I don't understand how you can help anyone regarding depression and suicide. You seem like a very bitter person.

Jesus had compassion. Where is yours?
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#10
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
9,601
113
#10
LRG said:
Poor me??? Why are you so cold? I don't understand how you can help anyone regarding depression and suicide. You seem like a very bitter person.

Jesus had compassion. Where is yours?
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I have great compassion. I know how the OP gf feels right now, having cancer and not knowing what tomorrow will bring. I did not mean to sound cold in my reply, but it is true: giving pity to a sick person is not a good thing to do, because for many it makes them feel as if they are being patronized and they feel like since they are sick now, they are'nt as good a person anymore. So until or unless YOU have a deadly disease, you cannot possibly understand the mindset and emotions of someone who does.

BTW, you sound like the bitter one. NOT ME. I have first-hand experience at dealing with the emotions and mindset that cancer gives a person. So I completely understand how she feels right now.
 
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Jamal

Banned
#11
Sep 29, 2014
347
1
0
#11
LRG said:
Love is not a fleeting emotion. It is a choice. Love weathers the storms. Love never fails.
Click to expand...
Yes, love is a choice and never fails. But what these two lovebirds are calling love is a fleeting emotion, infatuation.

I would not suggest laughing at someone who feels insecure for whatever reason. That is cruel and abusive.
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No, what the GF is doing is "cruel and abusive" (don't you think that's a little over the top, even for hysteria). He'd be wise not to indulge it.
 
T

Trinity33

Guest
#12
#12
blue_ladybug said:
I have great compassion. I know how the OP gf feels right now, having cancer and not knowing what tomorrow will bring. I did not mean to sound cold in my reply, but it is true: giving pity to a sick person is not a good thing to do, because for many it makes them feel as if they are being patronized and they feel like since they are sick now, they are'nt as good a person anymore. So until or unless YOU have a deadly disease, you cannot possibly understand the mindset and emotions of someone who does.

BTW, you sound like the bitter one. NOT ME. I have first-hand experience at dealing with the emotions and mindset that cancer gives a person. So I completely understand how she feels right now.
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I say let us not reprimand a survivor first and for most please! My step dad just passed of cancer 6 weeks ago. He did not want pity, but compassion was very accepted. I would not say at all Blue that you are crule by any mean or bitter. Its a lesson you lived.
But to the young man going through this, I am so very sorry! You need just to continue doing what your doing. You seem to be going to the right one when you go to God in prayer.....
Dear Heavenly Father,
Please guide this young man, show him the steps to take to lead him to peace. Give him the tools to be a witness to this sick girl. Let him be your light in the darkness on this girl. You say no more then we can bare Lord, know this mans limits and protect him. Give him comfort in his hour also for we know this highly affects him also. In Jesus most precious name.... Amen
 
P

psychomom

Guest
#13
#13
wow...she's just...so very young.

she was not even 18 when this relationship began?

i'm thinking we all had a lot of growing up to do at that age.
and some of us (and i do mean me) still do. :eek:

our son had a major brain hemorrhage at 19...dealt with paralysis...
took him a bit of extra time to mature.
studies have shown over and over that an adolescent's brain is not fully mature...
they are actually unable to do some adult thinking due to that.

God is dealing with her, if she is His.
give her (and receive it yourself) grace. ♥
 
S

sassylady

Guest
#14
#14
I would definitely pray about this relationship, but I do agree with other answers. What if you are going through this with a future wife? For better or worse, even cancer.

It is a lot to have somebody put on you that you do not love them. Be sure you are doing what she wants/needs, not what you want to do. But you are still not the one responsible for her happiness, if there can be any at this time. If she has a relationship with the Lord, she needs to be leaning on Him for her emotional support and not putting it all on you.
 
L

LRG

Banned
#15
Jun 14, 2014
312
2
0
#15
blue_ladybug said:
I have great compassion. I know how the OP gf feels right now, having cancer and not knowing what tomorrow will bring. I did not mean to sound cold in my reply, but it is true: giving pity to a sick person is not a good thing to do, because for many it makes them feel as if they are being patronized and they feel like since they are sick now, they are'nt as good a person anymore. So until or unless YOU have a deadly disease, you cannot possibly understand the mindset and emotions of someone who does.

BTW, you sound like the bitter one. NOT ME. I have first-hand experience at dealing with the emotions and mindset that cancer gives a person. So I completely understand how she feels right now.
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Oh, it's you again. Sorry, but you don't sound very compassionate to me. I don't think I like you very much to be honest. I think you have some kind of problem and no, I am not bitter. I just think a lot of your posts are insensitive and thoughtless.

And what do you think you know about me big mouth? I have asthma and I should have died many times when I was a child with attacks. I was hospitalized with pneumonia when I was about 6 years old with asthma. Not a good combination. My first husband tried to choke me to death when I was about 7 months pregnant and I kind of consider him to be a deadly disease. I also had a very bad bout with colitis years ago where I was so sick I was crawling on the floor.

But God sustains me and I personally don't look for pity. I've been through many things and overcome many things and still need to overcome many things.

So please do me a favor and stick your foot in your mouth. Please and thank you.
 
L

LRG

Banned
#16
Jun 14, 2014
312
2
0
#16
Jamal said:
Yes, love is a choice and never fails. But what these two lovebirds are calling love is a fleeting emotion, infatuation.



No, what the GF is doing is "cruel and abusive" (don't you think that's a little over the top, even for hysteria). He'd be wise not to indulge it.
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I will only agree with you regarding infatuation being fleeting and not love.

In a relationship sometimes the one who needs more needs to be taken care of more. So now it would seem that he is the stronger one so if he loves her he may have to do some self-sacrificing right now and think of her more than himself. Later on maybe she can return the favor.

I think his girlfriend has needs and needs extra reassurance and care right now. There is nothing wrong with that. People that cannot handle giving of themselves in relationships shouldn't really be in them.

Christ is the greatest example of what real love is. Christ sacrificed himself. Self-sacrifice is the highest form of love.

Perhaps God is testing this man to see what he is made of and how strong his faith is.
 
Dan58

Dan58

Senior Member
#17
Nov 13, 2013
1,991
338
83
#17
Rudaayyy said:
She tells me I don't love her as much as she loves me, she tells me I am not emotional enough, she tell me I intimidate her she tells me why don't i show more? and I ask her what do you mean??? I love you I always give you every spare moment I have and yet you tell me it is not enough?
After she tell me these things she persists and says I am the love of her life and I am the one and special to her yet since we have been together the whole 1 year and half i would say she has cried 90% of the relationship, and it has taken its toll on me greatly.
Click to expand...

Cancer or no cancer, she sounds like a "high maintenance" woman. Women seldom think men are emotional enough, but by telling you that you don't love her as much as she loves you, she's using a control tactic. Not to judge her, but she sounds like someone who's drowning in self-pity. That's understandable to a degree, but if she's crying for herself 90% of the time, and demands more than you can give, you might want to consider putting a little space between her and yourself, for your own sake. No matter how much you give or how much you care, I suspect it won't be enough for this girl? Remove the cancer from the relationship, and your left with a very demanding and unsatisfied young lady who's not content with all the attention your giving her. She sounds like an emotional wreck, which is somewhat understandable, but she's laying a lot of guilt on you. For your patience sake, take a break and let her know that she hurts your feelings by accusing you of not caring. Her wantonness is burning you out, nothing will suffice, she's driving you away by demanding more than 100%. jmo
 
T

Trinity33

Guest
#18
#18
Hmmmmmm, OK I don't understand how this young mans issues have even gotten so out of hand....first of all this young guy came on here 2 times...hasn't posted since #3 and there is still this arguing...first of all do u really love her? If so why come on here talking frustration? She has cancer, but ur basically saying that her crying and whining is ticking you off...let's not sugar coat now! So don't stay for guilt if that's what ur wondering...I think Lady_Blue was giving advice on her experiences, which if you come on a chat forum (even a christian one) and post ur problems your going to get feedback...good and bad.... But don't get mad for someone voicing their opinions....because I see tons of opinions on here...mine included! ;)
 
T

Trinity33

Guest
#19
#19
LRG said:
Oh, it's you again. Sorry, but you don't sound very compassionate to me. I don't think I like you very much to be honest. I think you have some kind of problem and no, I am not bitter. I just think a lot of your posts are insensitive and thoughtless.

And what do you think you know about me big mouth? I have asthma and I should have died many times when I was a child with attacks. I was hospitalized with pneumonia when I was about 6 years old with asthma. Not a good combination. My first husband tried to choke me to death when I was about 7 months pregnant and I kind of consider him to be a deadly disease. I also had a very bad bout with colitis years ago where I was so sick I was crawling on the floor.

But God sustains me and I personally don't look for pity. I've been through many things and overcome many things and still need to overcome many things.

So please do me a favor and stick your foot in your mouth. Please and thank you.
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you are a very mean person I pray that you find peace.... I really hope before u post again you will pray God to lead your words as I do. I am sorry you were so sick, but to me ur compassion is lacking. I'm not going arguing with you I will just continue to laugh and spread Gods love but mam... I hope U find peace
 
L

LRG

Banned
#20
Jun 14, 2014
312
2
0
#20
Trinity33 said:
you are a very mean person I pray that you find peace.... I really hope before u post again you will pray God to lead your words as I do. I am sorry you were so sick, but to me ur compassion is lacking. I'm not going arguing with you I will just continue to laugh and spread Gods love but mam... I hope U find peace
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I'm so sorry that you feel that way. Kind of funny since you have liked some of my posts and now you call me a mean person. I'm sorry but I don't like ladybug and I think she is ignorant. She has not been very nice to some people on here. So you can think what you want.

If you would learn how to read then you would know that I responded regarding near death because of ladybug's ignorant comment and I quote "So until or unless YOU have a deadly disease, you cannot possibly understand the mindset and emotions of someone who does."

I know what it is like to be sick. Especially in my childhood.

Seems to me it is okay for ladybug to be abusive to people on here and she obviously has her supporters but heaven forbid anyone should challenge her.

If that is how you respond then you are the one lacking compassion. Just some twit on the internet.

Have a nice day!
 
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