About to start couples counseling I need to know what to expect

[Teresa]

My daughters dad and I have been on and off for 10 years. This time around I truly thought that we would make it work. We are older now and I thought wiser. He left us about 3 weeks ago. Although, I feel that he emotionally checked out long before that. He decided that he wanted to come back 11 days later, but because of his alcohol addiction and problems that come up as a result of him drinking I told him he couldn't return home until we went to counseling and he quit drinking. He agreed to counseling but I don't know what to expect. I wanted a christian counselor but because he is not really a church go'er (he claims that he is catholic but in 10 years never been to church, only with me and made fun of my church) I settled with a secular counselor. I just need to know what to expect.

 

[tenderhearted]

I don't know much about secular counseling, but I think they might view marriage from a worldly point of view. I don't mean to pry, but you mentioned your daughter's dad, are you married? If not, I'm not sure that you guys would benefit from couples counseling right now. Sounds like this man may need counseling for himself given that he has a drinking problem. He really needs to work on himself before he can work on having a relationship with you. People can't give what they don't have. Your daughter's father needs Jesus in order to understand how to love you and his daughter. That's what a biblical marriage is all about. It's about two selfless people serving one another. Most secular marriages are selfish. They care only about what they can get out of a marriage and if they aren't satisfied, they quit. Like I said the only way you both will understand this is through Jesus-- there's no way around it. You should pray that he surrenders his life to Jesus. I'll be praying for you both.

 

[Teresa]

We are not married. We have talked about it but like I told my mother I just don't think that he is ready. I would love for him to be saved. It's something that I personally have been praying for for years now. He has a lot of issues in fact that is why he turns to alcohol. I think that the reason that he wants couples counseling instead of him doing counseling alone is that he wants for everything to be my fault because 11 days after him leaving he wanted to come home and I told him no. Even though that reason I told him no was because for him to come back things have to change and I can't believe or trust that they will because I have been lied to so many times by him I need to see it first now. He wont take responsibility he just wants to point fingers

 

[Angela53510]

If you are not married, you should not be living with him. Regardless if he is the father of your daughter, if he refuses to quit drinking, both you and your daughter would be much better off without him. You admit you don't want to marry hm, so why would you want to patch up something that is not working? Biblically you are free, since you were never married.

My thought is you need to get personal counseling, maybe even abuse counseling, since drunks are often abusive. Please do not go back to this man, or you will be regretting it the rest of your life. You can not make a person change. God could change this man, but not unless he is willing to repent!

As for you, please get the help you need. You might be codependent, and enabling too! That is why it is important you work through your own issues of why you would want to live with an unrepentant alcoholic.

 

[santuzza]

What Angela said. Perfect!

 

[Jamal]

I might be naive, but I say ask him to make the relationship an official marriage. Maybe just a casual ceremony of you two, a pastor, and a couple of witnesses. Once he considers himself married, he'll have something to live up to. And, he'll know your commitment to him. Plus, if you're a church going, it'll be a little less awkward.

Also, look around your church, what's the number of women vs. men there? Why would he want to go to a hen party?

 

[notuptome]

Well the prospects for a good outcome here are remote. Were it not that God can do the impossible I would say it is impossible. Consider that this is an unequal relationship. Consider that God is not at the center of this relationship. Consider that at least one of the parties is unwilling to commit to the relationship.

Marriage is a covenantal relationship. It is a covenant between two people and each person to God.

If the objective of the relationship is self gratification then the prospects are good and will remain in the current state of discomfort.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

 

[sassylady]

Do not marry him if you are a believer and he is not.

 

[Jamal]

Do not marry him if you are a believer and he is not.

They're already yoked physically and with children. I think it's a bit late to play the don't-be-unequally-yoked card. The OP wants counseling, just like a married couple. Besides, he says he's a believer.

 

[Word_Swordsman]

Few if any close relationships can exist when two people are not "yoked", that is suitable to be a team able to succeed.

2 Corinthians 6:14 (KJV) [SUP]14 [/SUP] Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?

That instructs one Christian not to pair up in ministry with an unbeliever. Now go to 1 Cor 7, the whole chapter, for husband/wife wisdom.
That word "yoked" refers by analogy to a pair or larger team of oxen or mules/horses, etc used to pull a plow. They are harnessed together, oxen and mules big enough to be paired together using a large wooded beam to make a pair pace themselves perfectly together. One can't wander away to eat some grass while the other is pulling the plow. But when a farmer pairs a strong experienced ox with a weaker inexperienced ox, the strong one is weakened cue to litle help in pulling. The farmer driving the oxen has a terrible time plowing a straight furrow, the strong ox inevitably leading his side, but soon weakened from having to pull plow and the weaker teammate. if one of the animals stops and won't move, that of course prevents the willing animal from doing its job. If one becomes disabled from stepping in a hole, the other can't help the disabled mate, nor the farmer in plowing. If one is showing signs of frequent disabilities, the farmer ought not buy such an animal for that job. He should shop for one that matches up with those he already uses. If he pairs up weak oxen, the plowing might never be finished. It goes on and on.

God teaches we too ought to be matched, in friendships, dating, and especially when choosing a spouse. All the problems I listed above, but a few of all possible problems with mis-matching teammates, apply directly to our relationships. Choose wisely, Pray much over your choice. Let this be confirmed by counsel from Christian leaders. Some secular advisers will say you could change the man, and should give him room to improve. That philosophy has resulted in disasters for many marriages.

 

[Word_Swordsman]

They're already yoked physically and with children. I think it's a bit late to play the don't-be-unequally-yoked card. The OP wants counseling, just like a married couple. Besides, he says he's a believer.

Yet, that is God's way. There is no alternative from God. "Shotgun weddings" are usually doomed from the start. Many people are prone to claim to be Christian, but the way they live defies the meaning of that title. Having a child out of wedlock doesn't in any sense yoke a couple. They are parents, but still should obey the scriptures about that, or God will be left unable to justify helping that marriage. The word shows that the righteous wife has but one hope by constantly being the one to keep her life holy before the man no matter what he does, except of course physical abuse.

1 Cor 7 begins with Paul's personal advice, but the commands for husband/wife bein at verse 10. Here's the center of this issue: 1 Corinthians 7:13-14 (KJV)
[SUP]13 [/SUP] And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.
[SUP]14 [/SUP] For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.

Believer or not, the wife has that job issued from the Lord, often being the lone believer seeing to sanctification of her children. Disobeying it increases troubles, decreases hope, and multiplies divorces across the land. If a woman hears from God that she is prepared to take on a difficult man for a marriage, then that's her calling. She should verify that calling, just as I would if the Lord was convicting me to go to West Africa to preach. God would provide witnesses to that through ministers and other trusted people too.

 

[Jamal]

Yet, that is God's way. There is no alternative from God. "Shotgun weddings" are usually doomed from the start. Many people are prone to claim to be Christian, but the way they live defies the meaning of that title.

(Is the OP still around?)

They're in a long-term relationship, with children. A marriage might be doomed, but given the facts, I don't think it's any more doomed than the average marriage (granted, that's not saying a lot). I'd prefer them to take a chance and get things right than to go on living wrong.