when your wife will not help mend the marriage

[jknotts2]

What can you do when you do all you can do to mend the marriage and your wife does not help at all. Like today I came home early was going to take her to a place she wanted to go, and when I walk through the door what do I get? Not hello glad You are home. I get this why are you home so early? I was planning on resting the afternoon and since you are here I can't. Really do I deserve to be treated this way. I have sent flowers, I have done what she has wanted and this is what I get. I am wondering if it is worth carrying this out any longer. I do not believe in divorce but to live my life like this is ridiculous.

 

[presidente]

My wife and I are taking a church marriage class using the book, "Love and Respect". It's good so far. I like the book so far and the first class was good.

The book has a scenario similar to yours. A husband drives home from a really long business trip. He opens the door, and instead of a greeting from his wife, she gives him a laundry list of all the problems that week. I remembered coming home from a 16 hours drive while moving. I went to see my wife, and she wanted me to help with one of the kids. Two of them had to relieve themselves at the same time. One was little, and she was changing the other's diaper. Not a good greet, but not really her fault.

If your wife isn't trying to improve as a wife and she needs to, then that can be difficult. But have you tried asking her to greet you a certain way at the door? It may make it feel less 'special' if you have to tell her... but that's thinking like a girl, isn't it. Tell her how much you like it if she greets you with a kind words, a smile, a hug and a kiss when you get home. My wife and I were talking about that the other day, and she tries to do the same. That's something you can do. When your wife comes back from work, shopping, etc., you can greet her well, too.

But if your wife is grumpy when you come home, that's no reason to start thinking about divorce. My wife has been grumpy and told me she likes it if I'm away because she can get more done when she's in a bad mood. Women say stuff like that sometimes. Be kind to her.

Some women like flowers. For other women, you might just get a thank you and it doesn't really do much for them either way. I don't think they do much for marriage problems, usually. Maybe if your wife gets upset if you don't get her something for Valentine's Day, flowers will prevent that sort of thing. Flowers die in a few days, so it's a waste of money if she doesn't really like them.

You could try to find a church marriage class or read a book like "Love and Respect" together. Some women love it if their husband wants to read a marriage book together. "His Needs, Her Needs" has some good stuff in it to. So far, Love and Respect seems to be doing a good job of communicating a man's needs in a way she understands. And if you both embrace what the book says, just really putting in an effort to pay attention to meet one another's needs creates a lot of good will that is good for the marriage.

 

[Matt1626]

What can you do when you do all you can do to mend the marriage and your wife does not help at all. Like today I came home early was going to take her to a place she wanted to go, and when I walk through the door what do I get? Not hello glad You are home. I get this why are you home so early? I was planning on resting the afternoon and since you are here I can't. Really do I deserve to be treated this way. I have sent flowers, I have done what she has wanted and this is what I get. I am wondering if it is worth carrying this out any longer. I do not believe in divorce but to live my life like this is ridiculous.

That sounds about normal, don't depend on her approval for your happiness depend I jesus every time this happens pray or read scripture,

 

[Jamal]

What can you do when you do all you can do to mend the marriage and your wife does not help at all. Like today I came home early was going to take her to a place she wanted to go, and when I walk through the door what do I get? Not hello glad You are home. I get this why are you home so early? I was planning on resting the afternoon and since you are here I can't. Really do I deserve to be treated this way. I have sent flowers, I have done what she has wanted and this is what I get. I am wondering if it is worth carrying this out any longer. I do not believe in divorce but to live my life like this is ridiculous.

Halfway seriously, the dumbest thing you can do is send a woman flowers as part of an effort to save a relationship. It just makes her think you're a pathetic fool. I have a saying that women don't date men who need a date. That rules applies to marriage, too. The flowers make you look needy. Women don't want needy men, they want strong men. (When your relationship is healthy, then you can send flowers.)

Try to avoid appearing needy. Don't show weakness (anger or disappointment) when you come home and instead of a friendly greeting, you get slammed for coming home early. If all else fails, feed her lots of butter.

You two spent a long time digging the hole you're in, it'll take a long time to get out of the hole.

 

[presidente]

I think Matt makes a great point. If a man depends on a woman for his emotional state, he's going to be all over the place. Women shouldn't expect men to meet all their emotional needs or blame their emotions on their husbands either. But if someone is going to be emotionally stable during the other's emotional storm, I think it is especially important for men to do that. Don't let her emotions pull you down. Keep a calm stable attitude. Be empathetic when appropriate.

 

[Trinity33]

Also know a tight hug never hurts

 

[Trinity33]

What can you do when you do all you can do to mend the marriage and your wife does not help at all. Like today I came home early was going to take her to a place she wanted to go, and when I walk through the door what do I get? Not hello glad You are home. I get this why are you home so early? I was planning on resting the afternoon and since you are here I can't. Really do I deserve to be treated this way. I have sent flowers, I have done what she has wanted and this is what I get. I am wondering if it is worth carrying this out any longer. I do not believe in divorce but to live my life like this is ridiculous.

Boy I really feel for you. Sorry that I responded w/o reading your post first. I must say, ~sigh~ I have actually been your wife (not really your wife) but just like her. My husband was a great guy, I loved him but I wasn't "in love" with him. We were great friends, I could always depend on him but it wasn't enough( I was young) we split up a long time ago. I miss him now believe me! I would give anything to take it back! I can't....he died in 2007 of a heart attack. We were friends got along great, but I wish I would have stayed, because like you jknotts2 he did Everything right, and I was wrong. I'm not sure if you will beable to mend it yourself. Really don't happen that way, but I wish you luck my friend

 

[LRG]

What's really behind all of this? Does she have built up resentment and anger over things? There has to be a deeper reason she is responding this way and that is what you need to find out. When you know what the root of the problem is then you can work on fixing it. She needs to tell you what is bothering her and what she needs to regain that emotional connection with you.

 

[Angelique]

Halfway seriously, the dumbest thing you can do is send a woman flowers as part of an effort to save a relationship. It just makes her think you're a pathetic fool. I have a saying that women don't date men who need a date. That rules applies to marriage, too. The flowers make you look needy. Women don't want needy men, they want strong men. (When your relationship is healthy, then you can send flowers.)

Try to avoid appearing needy. Don't show weakness (anger or disappointment) when you come home and instead of a friendly greeting, you get slammed for coming home early. If all else fails, feed her lots of butter.

You two spent a long time digging the hole you're in, it'll take a long time to get out of the hole.

Please disregard everything stated in this post.

 

[Jamal]

Please disregard everything stated in this post.

Yeah, because you think he should rent Fireproof and do everything Kirk Cameron did.

 

[Michelleks]

I have read the love and respect book too, and I have recommended many people to read it! Strongly recommend too.

 

[LRG]

Yeah, because you think he should rent Fireproof and do everything Kirk Cameron did.

You don't need a book. You need to find out what the other person really needs and not what you think they need. That takes time and sometimes struggle. This is all part of getting to know your mate.

I personally like getting flowers and I get them for my anniversary, valentine's day, Mother's Day, my birthday, and sometimes just because. One time I got a huge Poinsettia plant for Christmas and that was totally unexpected. The element of surprise. I don't like chocolates though.

I don't think every woman wants a sissy baby for a husband but it does make a difference if the husband can at least try to be sensitive to the wife's needs and feelings.

Every relationship is different so there is no magic formula to follow. Everyone needs to find their own way to marital bliss.

 

[Jamal]

Every relationship is different so there is no magic formula to follow. Everyone needs to find their own way to marital bliss.

The divorce rate is about 50% (including among Christians). The relationship failure, though, is much higher than 50%. Cohabiting people breakup, without divorcing, even though their relationship is essentially a marriage. Spouse sometimes don't live for many years after the marriage, ending a marriage by death that would otherwise have eventually ended in divorce. Some people stick out miserable marriages. Most people obviously do a really lousy job of finding marital bliss.

Why is that? Because we're taught nonsense about how relationships work.

You like getting flowers, but those flowers you get have nothing to do with your husband trying to win you. You're already his, in a mutual relationship. If you had grown estranged to him, and he tried to give you flowers to win you, you'd actually think less of him. It's human nature to devalue (not appreciate) things that you get without having to return consideration (provide something in return). And, it's even worse when it's a man trying to win a woman, because not only does giving the flowers devalue his worth, but it otherwise makes him look weak to someone who wants him to be strong.

If you want to win someone, you have to make them want to work to get you, if they're not already willing to work to get you. We have the OP demonstrating the failure of giving flowers. He's trying to play the "nice guy" but nice guys finish last. (Actually, "nice" is a wonderful thing, as long as it's not a self-devaluing kind of nice.)

 

[biscuit]

The divorce rate is about 50% (including among Christians). The relationship failure, though, is much higher than 50%. Cohabiting people breakup, without divorcing, even though their relationship is essentially a marriage. Spouse sometimes don't live for many years after the marriage, ending a marriage by death that would otherwise have eventually ended in divorce. Some people stick out miserable marriages. Most people obviously do a really lousy job of finding marital bliss.

Why is that? Because we're taught nonsense about how relationships work.

You like getting flowers, but those flowers you get have nothing to do with your husband trying to win you. You're already his, in a mutual relationship. If you had grown estranged to him, and he tried to give you flowers to win you, you'd actually think less of him. It's human nature to devalue (not appreciate) things that you get without having to return consideration (provide something in return). And, it's even worse when it's a man trying to win a woman, because not only does giving the flowers devalue his worth, but it otherwise makes him look weak to someone who wants him to be strong.

If you want to win someone, you have to make them want to work to get you, if they're not already willing to work to get you. We have the OP demonstrating the failure of giving flowers. He's trying to play the "nice guy" but nice guys finish last. (Actually, "nice" is a wonderful thing, as long as it's not a self-devaluing kind of nice.)

Bingo!!!! I couldn't have said it any better. What bothers me is the "dozens of red flags" that are ignored before marriage. Without dealing with these red flags before marriage, it doesn't give the relationship or marriage much of a chance to survive. That's a major reason why I never married. Too many red flags and the ignorance & denial to deal with them. If I see too many red flags or she can't give me honest answers to them, refusing to deal with them, I will move on & not waste my time..

 

[sassylady]

I agree with not appearing weak or desperate to her. You can have peace and joy whether you have her approval or not.

Do what you can to resolve things; as one mentioned does she have some built up anger? You can only do so much and the rest is her decision as to whether or not she wants the marriage.

This is not a reason for divorce according to the Word. You must be in continual prayer for the marriage. We shouldn't quit or get out of something just because we are uncomfortable. Which is why we need God's guidance and not our feelings to go on.

 

[Selihah]

What can you do when you do all you can do to mend the marriage and your wife does not help at all. Like today I came home early was going to take her to a place she wanted to go, and when I walk through the door what do I get? Not hello glad You are home. I get this why are you home so early? I was planning on resting the afternoon and since you are here I can't. Really do I deserve to be treated this way. I have sent flowers, I have done what she has wanted and this is what I get. I am wondering if it is worth carrying this out any longer. I do not believe in divorce but to live my life like this is ridiculous.

A lot too has much to do with how long you two have been married. From what I understand the honeymoon doesn't last much more than two years. Personally, unless there is something else to this response we are not aware of my advice too you is to man up, stop whining and start communicating your intentions better. Because based on your post above she may not have had any clue and if she did she may have forgot and you could have called in advance to remind her.

 

[Dan58]

I was planning on resting the afternoon and since you are here I can't. Really do I deserve to be treated this way. I have sent flowers, I have done what she has wanted and this is what I get.

Just curious, why couldn't she rest when you came home early? Maybe your trying too hard and are inadvertently crowding her? Go with the flow, it shouldn't be a "job" to please your mate. And don't be discourage if she doesn't run into your arms when you come home from work, that only happens in old TV shows jmo

 

[LRG]

The divorce rate is about 50% (including among Christians). The relationship failure, though, is much higher than 50%. Cohabiting people breakup, without divorcing, even though their relationship is essentially a marriage. Spouse sometimes don't live for many years after the marriage, ending a marriage by death that would otherwise have eventually ended in divorce. Some people stick out miserable marriages. Most people obviously do a really lousy job of finding marital bliss.

Why is that? Because we're taught nonsense about how relationships work.

You like getting flowers, but those flowers you get have nothing to do with your husband trying to win you. You're already his, in a mutual relationship. If you had grown estranged to him, and he tried to give you flowers to win you, you'd actually think less of him. It's human nature to devalue (not appreciate) things that you get without having to return consideration (provide something in return). And, it's even worse when it's a man trying to win a woman, because not only does giving the flowers devalue his worth, but it otherwise makes him look weak to someone who wants him to be strong.

If you want to win someone, you have to make them want to work to get you, if they're not already willing to work to get you. We have the OP demonstrating the failure of giving flowers. He's trying to play the "nice guy" but nice guys finish last. (Actually, "nice" is a wonderful thing, as long as it's not a self-devaluing kind of nice.)

What are you talking about?

I'm kind of old school and I think it is the man that chases the woman and not the other way around. So he would have to prove himself to me. He would have to convince me that he loved me, wanted me and needed me. If he just gave flowers and neglected the deeper things then no that would not work since it is somewhat superficial. I expect a lot more than that in a relationship.

I expect a man to be like a rock. Someone that I can lean on and depend on. Someone who has integrity and a backbone. I don't respect wimpy men. I like a man who has self-respect and someone who is willing to stand for what is right even if he is the only one standing.

But at the same time he needs to have the capacity to have empathy and be willing to be sensitive to my feelings and needs and also he needs to be able to communicate and solve conflicts.

I have to go. I have to pick up baby again. My time runneth out.

 

[LRG]

The divorce rate is about 50% (including among Christians). The relationship failure, though, is much higher than 50%. Cohabiting people breakup, without divorcing, even though their relationship is essentially a marriage. Spouse sometimes don't live for many years after the marriage, ending a marriage by death that would otherwise have eventually ended in divorce. Some people stick out miserable marriages. Most people obviously do a really lousy job of finding marital bliss.

Why is that? Because we're taught nonsense about how relationships work.

You like getting flowers, but those flowers you get have nothing to do with your husband trying to win you. You're already his, in a mutual relationship. If you had grown estranged to him, and he tried to give you flowers to win you, you'd actually think less of him. It's human nature to devalue (not appreciate) things that you get without having to return consideration (provide something in return). And, it's even worse when it's a man trying to win a woman, because not only does giving the flowers devalue his worth, but it otherwise makes him look weak to someone who wants him to be strong.

If you want to win someone, you have to make them want to work to get you, if they're not already willing to work to get you. We have the OP demonstrating the failure of giving flowers. He's trying to play the "nice guy" but nice guys finish last. (Actually, "nice" is a wonderful thing, as long as it's not a self-devaluing kind of nice.)

One more thing before I go out the door. You mention nice guys finish last. That sounds kind of dysfunctional to me.

The husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the Church. It is a sacrificial kind of love and not a tyrant ruler type of relationship.

If you are married are you saying you never give your wife flowers? If you don't then does this bother her? If it bothers her then why don't you give her flowers?

Doesn't a husband who loves his wife want her to be happy? The same for the wife. I think it is normal to want to please your spouse if you love them. And communication and conflict resolution are very important. Especially if there are lots of misunderstanding and miscommunications.

Have to go now. Good-bye.

 

[presidente]

I don't agree that it is always wrong for a man to give his wife flowers. If he gives her flowers and she is overwhelmed with gratitude and thanks him, that's fine. If she's cold and distant and he brings her flowers and she says with a sour face, "Why did you give me these?" or "I prefer the pink roses." then it's better not to give her flowers. Jamal may be making a valid point if the flowers are meant to win a wife's affection. It could be counter productive in some cases. This is very individual, though, and it depends on the person and the situation. IMO, giving flowers probably won't do much in the OPs case.

Something else to keep in mind is that your wife may not want what women want in the movies. Women don't always want what they say they want. They don't always want what they think they want. My wife has gotten into some 'hormonal' moods at times. She's admitted to me later that sometimes when she says 'don't touch me' when I go for a hug, she'd want a hug. Actually, she does want a hug and she doesn't want a hug at the same time. Women can't figures themselves out sometimes, and we are expected to figure them out. I think we confuse them, too, so they have their own challenges with us as well.

I don't agree that the wife running to the door is only something that happens in moves. I've heard and read that as a recommendation for wives to do for their husbands. It is a great idea, not just for wives to do that, but husbands as well. Let's say my wife came home and I had taken something apart and had the parts in my hands. Maybe I couldn't run to her. If she's chopping up raw meat, she may not give me a hug when I come in the door. But normally, if you aren't too busy, if your spouse comes home, you can make the effort to smile and hug and kiss your spouse that is a good thing. Smiling at your children and greeting them when you come home is also good.

One of the problems in marriage is if you get into a cycle of not getting along where you bicker or interpret each other's words in a bad way. It can help to talk through that issue, resolve not to do that, forgive, and of course pray about it. God can get rid of some of these relationship problems quickly if we humble ourselves.

In the OPs case, he could sit down and talk to his wife about how it made him feel when she said that and ask why she has the attitude toward him. He could ask her to pray about it. Then they both agree to treat each other kindly. You get in the habit of speaking kindly to one another. Make a conscious effort to sincerely praise things your partner does or your partner's qualities. Then you do things like greeting your spouse at the door with a smile, hug and kiss. If a woman craves affection, the husband can make a conscious effort to kiss and hug her throughout the day. That can 'warm her up' for some other activities later on, too. Otherwise, it may feel like she's being asked to go from 0 to 60 in 10 seconds.