Wife makes major decisions without me

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Matt1626

Guest
#1
Lest week my wife ripped out the kitchen without talking to me and wants me to help remodel and now is very angry at me I am not enthusiastic, I said very politely this isn't something we talked about or planned for she said it would only cost 1000$ but it is ending up to be more like 4000$

also she is going to Uganda on a mission trip against my wishes. I am against it because we have two children less than 5 and it is for three weeks during the busiest month at the season business we own together. Also it is quite obvious that this women's trip is what I would call evangelical tourism. We help people for three days them we sight see for a week

I would say this is a recent phenomenon that I hope cools down. I think it is tied to her mother dying and her emergency histerectamy. But she also is trying to be a "modern" women and has a major problem with any leadership I suggest.

part of our struggle is when we met she was a Luke warm Christian and I was a pagan and know I am a very passionate Christian and she is still a Luke warm Christian.
 

Jeshuvan

Pastor
Staff member
Apr 15, 2012
221
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#2
prayer and unconditional love 4 her.Also always speak words of love and encouragement 2 her.Bind any attack that satan has brought against the relationship with her,4 we know that our war is not against flesh and blood,but demonic activity in high places.Amen and gbu 2
 

notuptome

Senior Member
May 17, 2013
15,050
2,538
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#3
You can show her who is boss. Sell the house and move while she is away. Just kidding. Perhaps you should ask her if she is OK with you making similar decisions without including her? When you were married the two became one. Just pray and let the Lord lead.

For the cause of Christ
Roger
 
N

Nicee

Guest
#4
I came up with this scenerio when me and my friend was talking about marriage. We both concluded that she has to travel if that what she wants, and I just have to pray she comes back home the same way she left. Regarding the kitchen remodeling. I just have to say wives loves their kitchen. WE ALL KNOW how we can get carried away with what we LOVE. How about focusing on one thing----the trip. She would properly cool down about the kitchen when she comes back from the mission trip. THIS IS MARRIAGE MY FRIEND AND THIS IS THE PART WERE U MAKE SARCIFICE. THE KITCHEN THING U TWO CAN WORK IT OUT.
 

presidente

Senior Member
May 29, 2013
9,081
1,748
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#5
Lest week my wife ripped out the kitchen without talking to me and wants me to help remodel and now is very angry at me I am not enthusiastic, I said very politely this isn't something we talked about or planned for she said it would only cost 1000$ but it is ending up to be more like 4000$

also she is going to Uganda on a mission trip against my wishes. I am against it because we have two children less than 5 and it is for three weeks during the busiest month at the season business we own together. Also it is quite obvious that this women's trip is what I would call evangelical tourism. We help people for three days them we sight see for a week

I would say this is a recent phenomenon that I hope cools down. I think it is tied to her mother dying and her emergency histerectamy. But she also is trying to be a "modern" women and has a major problem with any leadership I suggest.

part of our struggle is when we met she was a Luke warm Christian and I was a pagan and know I am a very passionate Christian and she is still a Luke warm Christian.

That's a tough one for a husband. Of course, it's wrong. It is a sin for her not to submit to you.

Some people say that since the Bible commands women to submit to their husbands that this is totally a woman's issue and men should never talk to their wives about submitting. Of course, that type of thinking is unbiblical. The Bible says to rebuke your neighbor frankly, so you don't share in his sin. It doesn't fit well with American culture, but we have an obligation to rebuke people when they sin at times.

You are also the leader of your home. You need to run it in an organized manner. As a husband, you need to work toward having a way of putting your foot down. You may need to establish a precedent for it. But it's a touchy issue with a lot of women, especially if her thoughts have been contaminated by philosophies related to being a 'modern woman.' Even from an egalitarian perspective, what she is doing is incredibly inconsiderate. From a Biblical complementarian perspective, it is unsubmissive and rebellious.

I think you have an obligation to correct your wife verbally. I can think of one time in particular when my wife snuck behind my back and did something I told her not to. I considered it unethical and she didn't. Later, she apologized to me about it and realized she was wrong.

One of the problems with correcting her verbally-- which I think you have a moral obligation to do-- is that some women get really sensitive and argue, fuss, stonewall, or just shut the submission conversation down.

I've had a lot of success with praying in faith for the Lord to speak to my wife about this and various other marital issues. One time, I prayed a long list, and within a few days, she came back to me telling me how the Lord had spoken to her about these items I'd prayed. It was really astonishing because the prayer list was so detailed. I'd prayed in faith, but still the detail with which the Lord had spoken to her was amazing, along with the depth of regret she'd had about some things she'd said or done. You can only do so much if she is acting like this, but you can pray.

As far as the trip goes, you have two options. One is to fight a war and put your foot down. The other is to let her know that what she is doing is a sin against God and not try to stop her.

Putting your foot down might entail cancelling a ticket (and losing money if you have to), outing her sinful behavior to the pastor or a leader on the mission trip and letting them know you oppose her going for child-care reasons, etc. Hopefully your church community would rightly back you up. You could insist on marriage counseling.

If you choose this as a battle, it won't be fun for either of it. If you 'win' it may be worth it. But you have to be willing to suffer the consequences. I advice against going the 'nice guy' route of suddenly changing your mind and being okay with the trip, or acting like it. That just encourages rebellion and outright lack of consideration. You'd be teaching her she can rebel against you, not submit to you, not obey you, and you'll be okay with it in the end. If she walks out that door, let her know she's in the wrong. You could even refuse to take her to the airport, and tell her you aren't going to be complicit in her sin. Hide the keys so your car doesn't end up at the airport that morning. If she chooses to go against your will, then she should walk out that door knowing she's got a relationship problem with you that she has created.

If she thinks God wants her to go on the trip, she should do it the right way. I believed God wanted me to marry my wife, but I wasn't going to just go find a preacher and get hitched. If her dad disapproved, I'd have had to figure out a way to convince him. When Daniel couldn't eat the unclean food in Babylon, he didn't knock the tray off the table and yell, "no" at the servant managing him. He humbly asked for permission for he and his associates to eat vegetables and have themselves examined for their health.

Let's say you become convinced that God wanted her to go. Then you still confront her about the rebellious behavior.

Whether you go the softer route of telling her not to go and telling her she is being unsubmissive to Christ by being unsubmissive to you (before she goes on a trip up in the air), or if you do that and play hardball by cancelling your tickets, be consistent and firm. You need to get to a place in your marriage where you can rule your house well, including where your wife will submit to you. Making it easy for her to not submit without so much as you rebuking her for it is enabling her in her sin and is not good for her.
 
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Matt1626

Guest
#6
I greatly appreciate your comments

i am currently working on the softer approaches
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
70,862
9,579
113
#7
I greatly appreciate your comments

i am currently working on the softer approaches

​lol..I really need glasses..I read the last two words fast and thought they said "softer cockroaches"! :)
 

presidente

Senior Member
May 29, 2013
9,081
1,748
113
#8
I greatly appreciate your comments

i am currently working on the softer approaches
If you can do it logistically and you can get a refund on the plane ticket, you could cancel and tell your wife you need the money to fix the kitchen. You may have to endure a bit of an emotional storm to set a boundary. Your wife has been crossing some major boundaries, even from an egalitarian perspective.
 
Jun 19, 2013
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#9
Hey! I'm so sorry to hear you're going through such a frustrating time with your wife. I would hate to have that going on at home. I could be totally off base here so please toss any or all of my message in the trash if necessary :)
I was wondering if she might be going through a mid-life issue. I see you're 38 years old so I'm guessing your wife is probably around your same age (give or take a couple of years). From the small amount of info you gave, it just made me wonder if she's just feeling the desire or need to reinvent herself and feel like an individual etc.

This may not be the case at all, but if it is, one of the things that might help is some extra attention from you (maybe it's all good there, but I have no idea). I think if she's feeling the desire to separate herself or reinvent herself, it can sometimes happen when a woman feels more like a roommate/maid/servant, than the desirable woman of your dreams. I don't think this will solve all your problems, but sometimes pursuing her as you did when you were dating can help a woman feel desirable and can help to deal with the feelings to 'be someone else' or even be noticed by other people.

I don't know if any of that made sense or even if any of it is applicable... so take as little or as much from what I wrote and please know that my heart goes out to your family during this frustrating time. I will be praying for you and your wife and ultimately that she would pursue God passionately!!!

Take care!
Juanita
 
Sep 29, 2014
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#11
Lest week my wife ripped out the kitchen without talking to me and wants me to help remodel and now is very angry at me I am not enthusiastic, I said very politely this isn't something we talked about or planned for she said it would only cost 1000$ but it is ending up to be more like 4000$

also she is going to Uganda on a mission trip against my wishes.
Is this mission trip through your church? If so, talk to your pastor.
 
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Marian29

Guest
#12
Always look to Jesus Christ first,
and put God in first place. Read the Scriptures and pray for a light from above in this situation.
I'm totally confident He will give you an answer only He can give to you.
 

CatHerder

Senior Member
Mar 20, 2013
3,551
79
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#13
You need to sit down with her (preferably with a good Christian counselor) and discuss, based on your income, what is a reasonable expense that one person in the marriage makes without consulting the other person. Anything over this amount is something that merits a discussion.

You need to explain to her that since you live in the house as well as her. Your opinion DOES matter. Any major changes in decor or remodeling is to be discussed. If she objects, then ask her why she is so disrespectful toward you, since that IS what is going on.

And I'm sorry....her mother dying or her medical issues may have given her some sort of crisis, but it does not excuse selfishness. For her to leave for three weeks while you have two little ones during the busiest time of the year for your business is NOT okay.

You've gotten a variety of advice, including showing her unconditional love. That's good advice, but it does not mean supporting her in doing everything she wants at the expense of the family and allowing her to undermine you.
 

presidente

Senior Member
May 29, 2013
9,081
1,748
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#14
As far as putting your foot down goes, going all the way to Africa and leaving you with the kids in opposition to you is a MAAAAAJOOOOR decision and a major bit of rebellion. Messing up the kitchen like that without your permission is also really big. Maybe there was some day you could have established your ability to put your foot down over some smaller issue. But what's done is done. Have you put up resistance to her junk in the past and faced the firestorm of her emotions that follow? If you let her do this without putting up any resistance, you are really sending the message that she can get away with anything.

You could just leave it up to her to submit, but that isn't working out well for you. I'm not suggesting you become an ogre, but you probably do need to set some boundaries and hold firm on them. There are some theories I've read about female behavior when they treat their husbands with respect. One theory is that when a woman treat their husbands with disrespect, secretly, inside, whether they realize it or not, part of the woman wants her husband to stand up to her. The idea is that if he can't stand up to her when she acts like that, how is he going to protect her from all the sabre-tooth tigers roaming outside the cage. So she gives him a 'fitness test' which could take the form of smart-mouth banter, or something really extreme like the way your wife is doing.

The thing about this trip to Africa, without your approval, expecting you to watch the kids followed by this kitchen thing is that it is so extreme, that your wife is bound to realize somewhere in her mind that she is being absolutely and completely unreasonable. You have to stop 'being cool with it.' Be displeased about this stuff and let her know it. Don't tolerate it.

Pray about what you do. Even cancelling unrefundable plane tickets seems reasonable considering what she's doing. She'll throw a fit, but she' may calm down eventually and in the future, hopefully she'll know not to cross you. Ultimately, though, you want her in a place where she actually repents for the way she is acting. Putting up some resistance could, possibly, maybe, help with that. So I advise you to proceed while really praying for direction and submitting your plans to the Lord in prayer.

If your church believes in wives submitting to their husbands, it sounds like you'd get support from church leadership over her behavior (the kitchen and the missions trip.) If they don't, I think you'll still get their support over such extreme things. Whether they do anything about it is another matter. If the pastor could join you in forbidding her to go on the trip, that might send a message to her.

Something else to keep in mind is that a hysterectomy can really mess some women up for a while. I have an aunt who just wasn't the same emotionally after hers. She would get a little 'off' at times. Hormones have a lot to do with how we feel inside, which effects our emotions, thoughts, feelings, etc. Usually, certain hormones slowly stop being produced over time. But some of hers dropped off sharply all of a sudden.

The Bible says for slaves to submit to their masters, which pastors often apply to hired servants submitting to their bosses and employees submitting to their managers. If the it is the employees choice whether to submit or not, does that mean that if you manage a company, that you bear no responsibility if your employees do absolutely nothing you tell them? If you were a manager and the employees under your care just came in and propped their feet up on their desks and texted and played games on their I-phones, and you just let them do it, you'd be falling short in your responsibilities as a manager. When productivity dropped and your department did not meet its goals, your boss would rightly hold you accountable. Well, you've been giving the task of running your household. If your wife doesn't want to submit to you, that's on her, but it's not all on her. You have a responsibility to not make it easy for her not to submit to your leadership. You can't just go along if she does things to mess the family and household up.
 
Sep 29, 2014
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#15
If money is an issue, put your money out of reach, such as sinking it into retirement accounts or paying off the mortgage, and then explain to her the budget is too tight to pay for big things without budgeting it. (If the missions trip isn't yet paid for, vanish the money, and cancel the credit cards. Or, would that make things worse?)

It's so over-the-top to go on a missions trip to Africa without mutual agreement. What's going on? No one does that thoughtlessly. Is she angry about something?
 

CatHerder

Senior Member
Mar 20, 2013
3,551
79
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#16
If money is an issue, put your money out of reach, such as sinking it into retirement accounts or paying off the mortgage, and then explain to her the budget is too tight to pay for big things without budgeting it. (If the missions trip isn't yet paid for, vanish the money, and cancel the credit cards. Or, would that make things worse?)

It's so over-the-top to go on a missions trip to Africa without mutual agreement. What's going on? No one does that thoughtlessly. Is she angry about something?
some good questions!


What "little" things have there been before these two "big" things that you have shared? What was your relationship like before the kitchen renovation and mission plans?
 

RickyZ

Senior Member
Sep 20, 2012
9,635
787
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#17
I'm going thru a similar issue. My wife believes that the man should support the wife to the extent that she feels she has no responsibility at all. I ask her to provide receipts for money she spends but she won't. I don't know about it until I see the credit card bill. She had to leave her work due to medical restrictions, but guess who had to obtain and file her retirement papers for her? She missed out on 2 months of retirement payments because she wouldn't do it. And why would she, I'm responsible to provide her money so why would she bother taking the effort to get some on her own? She insists on a $30,000 funeral plan but hasn't saved a single penny towards that goal. Nor did she save anything towards replacing her car, which she knew was going to need replacing. She ran up a $46k debt at Macy's and guess who was left hanging to bail her out? (This was so bad that the saleswoman she bought thru invited my wife to her retirement party - an early retirement I'm sure thanks to my wife). She thinks that if she cooks one meal a week and does laundry once a month she is fulfilling her duties to me. We've been to counseling several times over the last several years, and admits she needs to change, but never does because there's no consequence to not changing. Either morally or legally. I'm trying to set up a new household so we can move away from that cesspool called Los Angeles, and to make ends meet I had to cut back on our TV service. Now she's beside herself because she can't watch her show about the pretty brides shopping for wedding gowns. She thinks I should cough up the $36 a month it would take to provide it for her, and damn me if I don't.

I'm with you in asking: what can one really do about a rogue wife who accepts no responsibility or accountability for anything?
 
Oct 31, 2011
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#18
What a terrible situation to be in! Marriage consists of two people working together as one, there has to be some ground rules set up on how that is to work out.

I am an independent woman and I married a man from a culture where men ruled and women only followed. It took us about a year to establish how our marriage would work, but we set up some rules for us. I don't remember us fighting about it, we both knew our marriage depended on good working rules. It was hard for him to give me rights. it was against how he had been taught. However, he found that it was nicer to have me as a true partner than as he had been trained it should work.

For really major decisions we used a sheet of paper with a line down the middle. On one side was reasons for a certain action and on the other were reasons against. Sometimes we went to outside people for ideas on pro and con and added the ideas we were given. Once we agreed on a decision we also made it a practice to never look back and to never blame the other if it didn't turn out well. We always talked it out until we could act as a team.
 

Angela53510

Senior Member
Jan 24, 2011
11,780
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#19
Your wife is totally answerable to God. But she should be talking to you about these decisions, as we need to be mutually submitted to one another. (Eph. 5:21)


I think you need to pray, l love her and have a serious talk about finances. No one should be draining the family budget for their own gratification.
 

OnThisRock

Senior Member
Jan 20, 2011
353
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#20
Alot of men in America are going to therapists and requesting to "talk about how they are the victims of their wives behaviors and choices". There's a term for this. In the Bible, Ahab did this too. He was a passive man who gave into his controlling wife. If you are weak willed, be sure you will invite this kind of behavior into your household. Don't be surprised if your wife wants to run the show (Like Ahab's wife, Jezebel). If you are a weak willed man, and submissive, you are pointing her in the direction to take control of the home. In my experience Women will control men they don't respect or they will "step up to the plate" because the man has not. Solution: Step up to the plate and be a true partner to your wife. Chase away that little Ahab mentality! You are her prayer warrior.
 
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