seeking positive advice

[bee88]

Two years ago my husband if almost seven years now admitted he had an affair. It was very short lived affair one time thing. We sought counseling and after me living outside the home for six months I returned. We have had ups and down . Thank God for a wonderful cousler who we both still keep in close contact with. I'm turning 27 this June and our second child turns one in about a month. She has been such a blessing after so much heart ache God blessed us with another child. But despite all the healing I still have a load I carry everyday. I try and give it up to god daily I admit its a struggle. Sometimes I feel like I can't find my place anylonger after the affair I lost so called friends because they could not understand why I stayed with my husband let alone have another child with him. I know these were not true friends. I long daily for the conversation and friendship of another women who can understand my struggle. The lord has blessed me with a wonderful husband who has asked for forginess and does everything in his power to help me heal. I suffered from some postpardom depression after the baby was born and I feel like about four months ago a cloud was lifted off of me. I feel like in standing here asking God what now..I don't want to be a depressed mother ..I want to live each day for Christ but I long for earthly friendships that hold meaning other than my husbands . I feel like I'm the only 27 year old with two toddlers who has had a Rocky marriage that's survived. I want to fully live my life and live my husband but somedayz I just want to scream I need some advice how do I hear God and his plan for me above all the noise of this world.

 

[Ugly]

It's commendable that you stayed. I've considered, if i ever got married, how would i react to an affair. Some days i think i know, other days it's not such an easy choice. Though i think it being a one time, short lived episode makes it much easier to forgive than an ongoing affair.
I don't have any advice really to give, but thought i'd off that bit of encouragement. And you definitely are not the only person in that situation.

 

[OzDavo34]

Bee 88

I agree that it is commendable that you are working to make your marriage work good work & good luck. You are right those who are no longer around are not your friends, if they can't support you to make your own decisions based on all the information only you & God can know then they are better off out of your life.

It is tough having young kids & finding time to make new friends & can be even harder in small communities.


But stay string with Christ & you & your family will be ok. I'm sure you'll find that trusted Christian you seek by being honest & open with yourself the Lord & to others
god bless
OzDavo34

 

[bee88]

It was and the hardest choice of my life. I had always said and always told him that I would leave if someone cheated on me. When he told me about it I was sick for a week I could not eat or sleep...but I had a son who needed a healthy mom so I turned to the only one who could help me and that was God. I moved in with my parents for six months. I can remember laying in my bed at my parents when my husband had my son for the first time with out me... I begged God to fix my marriage to heal me and to help my husband . I never thought I could forgive him but when I look at what Christ has forgiven me for it becomes a little easier. I love my husband more now then I did before the affair. I have my bad days of crying and asking why even two years after he told.I've struggled with my relationship with God you always want to ask God why did you let this happen. I did not believe how real the devil was until after this happened guard your hearts and your marriage the devil can see a crack and he will prey on anyone or anything he hates what God loves I've learned that the hard way!

 

[bee88]

Thanks. We are looking for a home chur h and I think once we find one I might be able to open up to people more. Its hard to get close to people when they don't know about the pain I have at times. Women say super hurtful things such as if my husband ever cheats blah blah blah ...not knowing that a women in the room has gone through that hurt.

 

[Crimson_Lark]

Hi Bee, it's great you are looking for a home church and have made it this far. The line: ..(the devil) will prey on anyone or anything, he hates what God loves I've learned that the hard way!

A hundred times true, that line really resonated with me. Props to you for fighting for your marriage and gaining the victory.

One thing that came to mind, a friend of mine is married with small kids and she is in MOPS. If you haven't heard of it,
"MOPS stands for Mothers of Preschoolers, and by preschoolers we mean kiddos from birth through kindergarten."

You might find some good friends there. I know my friend isn't terribly impressed with the messages(it's Christian but seeker friendly) but she loves the women that she has met through the group. The website for more info is: MOPS Home Page
I know if you keep looking you will find people. Don't give up.

 

[sassylady]

As lonely as it can be sometimes without another woman to talk to, I really believe sometimes you need to step back and let it be so God can continue the healing. If you get involved with a group of women and hear the hurtful things again and again and are not strong enough, it just brings you down all over again.

 

[jogoldie]

hello sister.......i m happy you have found a way to forgive.......chosing to stay is a brave choice...
People always say....,"if it was me I would have.......(fill in the blanks)......but to stay....this takes courage...
this takes trust......and alot of faith........had I listen to peoples comments and suggestions...about some
of my choices in life....I would not have been able to be obedient to God........tough luck fair weather friends..
I will chose God over any of you all of the time......now what about you???????are you taking care of you????
what i,m saying is.....in order to maintain your heart and be joyful....you must take care of your opinion of
yourself....no doubts...about who you are .....sometimes I and many I have talked to have forgotten that
we arent just mommy....the submissive wife....we are woman...the only creature capable of being ..
strong when we feel weak....happy when we feel blue...the one who always says....everything is going to be Ok....
when we truly are more unsure then anyone.....we are mommy...the glue and main gear of the whole works....
so my girl..........get support...God will provide you with someone ...keep your eye out....she will show up...
mine did....she was a sister I wanted my own to be like....a friend with her pom poms ready....cheering me on...
love those babies and dont second guess yourself.....get peace with God...and remember to take care of you...

Im here if you need talk to anyone....pm me......you did the right thing..love and forgivness is from God....
and no matter what it looks like......keep your faith cause Gods all over this....peace....jo

 

[Deadtosin]

Read the Word every day, pray every chance you get. Not seeking God's hand but seeking His face. "God, I love you" continually build on that intimacy and everything else will fall into place. He will guide your life, your every step and every breath that you have is His.

 

[bee88]

Thanks Jo I struggle trusting God and mending my relationship withGod has been a struggle. At first it was easy but we had pushed god away in our own lives and our marriage. But when he admitted the affair I felt so angry at God most of all hurt. I had saved myself for marriage because I wanted Gods blessing on it. My husband had as well. So in some ways I struggle with why did I keep my promise to God yet not husband ended up doing the very thing that I had waited for so we would be blessed on in our marriage. I have good days with this and bad but I now feel like the only women who has been with one man and its hard feeling good enough for my husband and before that was not an issue I've always had self esteem issues but with my husband I was his only one and he was mine now I constantly think of why in not good enough. Of course my husband swears up and down its hands down better with me and the affair was the biggest mistate and let down...but from my point if view this other women was perfect she just had plastic surgery so she has a perfect body after two children my body is not so perfect and I'm struggling to loss weight. I work out all the time and my husband says he would not change anything about me but its something that I know I need Gods Healing on. Everyday I try and give my thoughts to God because I know a depressed or women who is down on herself is not attractive or healthy!

 

[jogoldie]

I remember when I was going through this with my husband.....I just couldnt shake it....it consumed my mind...
I was a new christian and had no idea of the power of forgiveness.......forgiving dosent seem so hard.......
its the forgetting ......that I had trouble with......I would go over what I thought might of taken place.......making
myself sick....wondering what she could have that I dont.......comparing myself....I was a mess...you say this
woman had some work done...cant compete with plastic barbie parts I suppose....fake and all....but I can tell you this...
I use to weight close too two hundred pounds..im only 5'3...so a pumpkin comes to mind.....I got on my bike and
started slowly...I have lost over 80lbs..and since I swim also....I have a body of a young woman...im strong and fit..
I am not young in years...and I did it.....naturally....it makes me feel good about myself....I tell you this because....if
I can do it ........you can too....start busying yourself with things you love to do...the kids can help.....
the busier you are the less time you have to think......allow God to rearrange your life.....Im sure He is already
working on you....time heals all....im here baby....pm if you want....I love you little sister...peace ....jo

 

[bee88]

Jo can u message me I'm not sure how thanks for all your advice !

 

[RedTent]

Remember that you made the decision, it is done. When God forgives you, it is done and God doesn't think about it any more at all, He turns His back on it and wipes it out. Gone. Done. That is the way with what you went through. You faced it, took care of it, and it is gone. Done. Over. You have complete control of your mind, it isn't God that is bringing these thoughts to you. The thoughts God brings are of good report.

Php_4:8 Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable--if there is any moral excellence and if there is any praise--dwell on these things.

It is you who lets thoughts in your mind, you have control no one else does. With these thoughts you have you can build the good or you can create the bad. Friend, even, don't have the control of your mind, you do. If you let your mind go over and over and over bad thoughts, it is like an animal in a cage with a wheel going round and round but getting no where. There are thoughts that build and really get you to a good place, just as well use those.

 

[wisebeardman]

It's commendable that you stayed. I've considered, if i ever got married, how would i react to an affair. Some days i think i know, other days it's not such an easy choice. Though i think it being a one time, short lived episode makes it much easier to forgive than an ongoing affair.
I don't have any advice really to give, but thought i'd off that bit of encouragement. And you definitely are not the only person in that situation.

I know how I would be, I demand absolute loyalty. cheating would be an instant pack yer bags you are out don't come back.

 

[oldthennew]

I will always side with God's universal Law -
'in everything, a just weight and balance.
our duty is to search for it and apply it -
no matter what.

 

[biscuit]

Two years ago my husband if almost seven years now admitted he had an affair. It was very short lived affair one time thing. We sought counseling and after me living outside the home for six months I returned. We have had ups and down . Thank God for a wonderful cousler who we both still keep in close contact with. I'm turning 27 this June and our second child turns one in about a month. She has been such a blessing after so much heart ache God blessed us with another child. But despite all the healing I still have a load I carry everyday. I try and give it up to god daily I admit its a struggle. Sometimes I feel like I can't find my place anylonger after the affair I lost so called friends because they could not understand why I stayed with my husband let alone have another child with him. I know these were not true friends. I long daily for the conversation and friendship of another women who can understand my struggle. The lord has blessed me with a wonderful husband who has asked for forginess and does everything in his power to help me heal. I suffered from some postpardom depression after the baby was born and I feel like about four months ago a cloud was lifted off of me. I feel like in standing here asking God what now..I don't want to be a depressed mother ..I want to live each day for Christ but I long for earthly friendships that hold meaning other than my husbands . I feel like I'm the only 27 year old with two toddlers who has had a Rocky marriage that's survived. I want to fully live my life and live my husband but somedayz I just want to scream I need some advice how do I hear God and his plan for me above all the noise of this world.

First, I want to say you are a wonderful role model for those Christian couples who are having marriage problems.

Secondly, you need to find real Christian friends and a good start would be to join a Christian organizations where you will find new & real friends.

 

[Crimson_Lark]

Wow! Love this

I remember when I was going through this with my husband.....I just couldnt shake it....it consumed my mind...
I was a new christian and had no idea of the power of forgiveness.......forgiving dosent seem so hard.......
its the forgetting ......that I had trouble with......I would go over what I thought might of taken place.......making
myself sick....wondering what she could have that I dont.......comparing myself....I was a mess...you say this
woman had some work done...cant compete with plastic barbie parts I suppose....fake and all....but I can tell you this...
I use to weight close too two hundred pounds..im only 5'3...so a pumpkin comes to mind.....I got on my bike and
started slowly...I have lost over 80lbs..and since I swim also....I have a body of a young woman...im strong and fit..
I am not young in years...and I did it.....naturally....it makes me feel good about myself....I tell you this because....if
I can do it ........you can too....start busying yourself with things you love to do...the kids can help.....
the busier you are the less time you have to think......allow God to rearrange your life.....Im sure He is already
working on you....time heals all....im here baby....pm if you want....I love you little sister...peace ....jo

 

[Michelleks]

It,s your choice, if you choose to forgive, you let free yourself, and let free your husband, give the burden to The Lord.
believe in love, and you enjoy love.
eyes on Him, and we walk forward!
people are weak some times, ourselves too. The problem is not we are weak some times, the problems are why we are weak some times, the true reason.

 

[bee88]

I know how I would be, I demand absolute loyalty. cheating would be an instant pack yer bags you are out don't come back.

I too had these same feelings. A lot goes into staying or leaving a marriage, it's not as easy as saying well you cheated on me so I am leaving you. This was my first response and I did leave and I stayed gone for awhile. My mind set changed when I prayed to God to help me forgive not to be with my husband but to forgive him because even if I divorced him he would be the father of my child ( second one was not born yet) forever... so at some point married not married id have to find some grounds of forgiveness. I never thought I would stay if someone cheated on me ever... If you could have felt my pain and been in the room the first time we met with a therapist you would have know my intentions was to hear its okay to leave him..I could not drive in the same car with him on the way to the therapists house and I told him to never touch me ever again. When I sat in that room with him for the first time after he told me...The only thing I could do was cry. The only thing I wanted was my husband to comfort me but I could not stand the though of him...yet I yearned to be with him. You have to understand we had both fell away from our "christian" life style and even though we both has "excepted" Christ we had never committed our lives to him or lived that way. My husband deserved me to divorce him..he deserved to lose his family...just as I DONT deserve Christ and the gift he has given of forging ALL of my sins. God calls us to forgive...I believe I could have left him and that I would have been doing nothing wrong if I did. The first things the therapist said to me was " you have every right to divorcee your husband you have every right to not listen to what he has to say...BUT what do you want out of this" Thats something I had to ask myself and be very honest about...I spoke with the therapist the next day on the phone and thats when I knew I wanted to try atleast try not go back or say yes this will work but try and this is what I told my husband and the therapist...I believe I can leave and Christ will heal the damage you have done...but I also know that God hates divorce more than anything and he calls us to forgive as he has forgiven us..I know this will be the hardest thing I will ever have to do but if I don't try how will I know if God can bless this marriage he has never been given the chance to. Three months later I put my wedding ring back on and gave my husband a new wedding band as a gift. If you could just have seen the look on his face...he cried ... my husband does not cry a lot .... when he took the ring out of the box he looked me in my eyes and said I WILL NEVER be that man again that hurt you I will never dishonor you or my family again. I believed he meant that... I deal with forgiving him every day... but one thing I do know is if I had to do it over id make the same choice...I know its not a choice that every women would have made and I don't expect that... cheating is a reason to leave and a good one. But its not as black and white as loyalty... God bless

 

[bee88]

Thank you for the advice. I know its hard and i try and do that every day. I know it will take time but I am learning to think good things and I totally agree it starts a war I cant win when I think negatively!