Marriage Help-Please

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wiltedflower

Guest
#1
Hi everyone! I am new to here and seeking some advice.

I just recently left my husband and took our 2 children with me. I will try to make this short but no promises.

Back in 2011 my husband started to occasionally by pain pills. I didn't think much of it as he hated to go to the doctor but had really bad back pain. Then it started costing more money and more often. I finally said he couldn't buy these pills are bills were put on the back burner and we started to become in debt, but he didn't listen and would make me feel bad for saying no because he was in so much pain. At one point in the summer of 2012 we were over 1000 negative in our account due to this habit of his. Fast forward to March 2013 we got our taxes and they were pretty much gone by the end of march. I confronted him why he was making $300 withdraws every few days and he said he didn't know that someone much have stolen his card. I called to file a claim with our bank to have them look on the camera's. He card was shut off. I told him this and he got super angry. I couldn't understand why until a few day later he finally confessed that he was addicted to pain pills. I was pregnant during this time with our 2nd child. He said he wanted to come clean and started the process on his own. It was a very ugly time in our relationship. I became very angry at him. There were times when he was just so mean and ugly from the withdraws so he would go buy more pills and put us in a financial bind.
He works is a sellsman for alcohol so it finally came out that he had racked up over $5,000 in invoices so he could trade/or sell the alcohol on the side to support his habit. Those invoices where starting to be a heat on his back from his work, but with not extra means to pay those he decided to start selling drugs. (I didn't know it at the time) but in Dec 2013 I had taken his vehicle to school due to the cold (my car didnt' have a heater). I looked in the middle consul and there was meth and a homemade pipe. I confronted him and this is when he told me that he was selling drugs and that was his friends. During this time he wouldn't come home from work until 11 or 12 at night. I thought he was working this whole time. He lost weight drastically so I had my suspicions that he was using meth.

We were and down in our relationship. He would constantly lie about everything. I told him that I needed him to be honest if this relationship was going to survive.

In July I went on vacation with my mom and took my 2 girls. When I cam back I found out that he had people over and they had been doing meth in our house. I found meth and another homemade pipe in our closet. I told him that this needed to stop now. I wasn't going to raise our children around this.

In the middle of August 2014 I found meth/pipes/ect in our garage. I left at that time with our 2 children. We were gone for 2 weeks. He really felt guilty and apologized but still denied that any of it was his/he was holding it for a friend according to him. I agreed to go back on the basis that if I ever found any drugs in our house again that it would be over between us. Needless to say I didn't trust him at all. So I also said that I was willing to work on our marriage and our trust issues if he was willing to work it out. So we got back together. I am not perfect in all of this I still had issues with trusting him but I did let him know that it was going to be a long road but if we were willing to walk it then that is all that matter. So we were doing good. So I thought.

During this whole time we have been financially struggling because by husband was still occasionally buying pills. So on the October 31 as soon as he got paid he took out 300 supposedly to pay his car title loan. Then in the next few days the car was repoed. He confessed to buying pills with the money. I was like ok thank you for being honest. I said we will just have to figure it out but I told him that he wasn't going to have access to the account anymore since we have been behind in bills and I had to pay the utilities or they were going to shut us off. So I paid all those but he still managed to make us negative in the account.

On Thursday Nov 6 he pulled out 500$ and didn't tell me about it, supposedly to pay the title loan we had on our, now, on and only vehicle. Well he went out Friday night and since I already knew he was lying I followed him to the next town over (1 hour from were we live) He was going to stay the night because he didn't want to be drinking and driving.

Whenever he said he was at a location i would drive over there and see and he wasn't at any location he ever said he was. at 1130 pm he said he had made it back to his friends so I drove over there and he wasn't there.

This was a final straw for me. It is obviously clear that he doesn't want to stop lying to me and doesn't want to stop his ways. I asked him about the 500 he pulled out and he said he still have some of it. So the truck never got paid.

But where I get doubts is I know that it isn't a Christian way to get divorced but I am just so fed up I can't even look at him without feeling disgust because of all the things that he has done emotionally and financially to our family. I feel that it would be different if he really wanted to change and stopped doing the things he is doing.

We have talked and he says he is done because he is tired of me not trusting him but he really hasn't given me any reason to trust him.

Any advise or guidance?
 
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wiltedflower

Guest
#3
I have but I just feel so guilty about our children. I am content about leaving and getting the divorce but I just think about the impact it would have on our children
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
41,243
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Tennessee
#4
I have but I just feel so guilty about our children. I am content about leaving and getting the divorce but I just think about the impact it would have on our children
I am sure that you are considering the impact on your children and that is why you must leave him as he has destroyed your peace of mind, bankrupted you and is endangering your children. I would have absolutely no guilt about leaving this chronic drug abuser who is a threat to you and your children.
 

Jimbone

Senior Member
Aug 22, 2014
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#5
Any advise or guidance?
Not really any advice, but at this point you should know that it's the drugs in control not the guy you married. He may not be lying when he says sorry, or that he doesn't want to do this anymore. I know personally how tight opiates can grab you, I never did meth, but hear that's even worse. Is he open to Jesus at all? Because at this point Jesus is his only sure hope. Is he convincing when he says he wants to stop? Like I said he really may want to stop, but on his own will power that is very unlikely to ever happen. How much does he value having you and the girls in his life? Leaving just like that may be a wake up call, but it may just push him deeper into the drugs too. The one thing I can offer as advice is, stay talking to God. He will guide you right, and I pray your husband as well. I pray He give you the strength, wisdom, and knowledge you need to make the right decision.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
70,862
9,581
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#6
I have but I just feel so guilty about our children. I am content about leaving and getting the divorce but I just think about the impact it would have on our children

IMO, you were right to leave him and take the kids with you!! No offense, but you're a fool if you go back to him, because he isn't going to stop the drugs and he isn't gonna change. Children adjust alot better than we think they do sometimes. :)

Think about this: what if your kids had been there when him and his buddies were doing meth, and the po-po (cops) happened to stop by for some reason? You would have had CPS called on you and those kids would have been taken away from you!! Don't run that risk. Turn hubby over to God, get your divorce, and make a much better life for you and the kids. Make sure you file for sole custody too, with limited visitation for hubby. I'm sorry, but he's a danger to them as long as he's doing drugs.
 

Jimbone

Senior Member
Aug 22, 2014
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#7
I have but I just feel so guilty about our children. I am content about leaving and getting the divorce but I just think about the impact it would have on our children
I admire this, the father is vital in a child's life, and not a decision to make lightly. Stay in prayer, none of us can know the whole situation so any "matter-of-fact" advice is from out limited knowledge on the matter. I really hate when people are so very quick to tell someone else what the SHOULD do before any question is even asked, like they posses some great foresight or something. You'll get a lot of that from the world. We are ALL "evil" and "wrong" at some point, and I am one that is very thankful my wife didn't just "leave" me a few times when I may have earned it. JUST LEAVE is so easy to tell someone else.
 
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wiltedflower

Guest
#8
Thank you everyone for your words. I know that the children love their father and the limited time he is with them (even when we were home) It would only be fun and games he never dealt with the whole responsibility of having children. I think this is why he loses insight on how important they are.

I know that it is the drugs that talk and that is why I have tried to stay but I just don't think I can stay anymore. The first time I left he was all about getting us back but this time he says he is done and he claims he wants to see the girls but when when he does it is only for an hour at the most.

He says he wants to be part of their lives but so far has found excuses to not see them everyday and when he does it is only temporary. It is like he is content only seeing them for a short while. I guess now that it how it was at home too so I shouldn't be so surprised.

About God, no he isn't open. He knows that there is God and that Jesus died for us but that is as far as it gets. He doesn't want to change or deal with issues in life or deal with convection that God gives us. I have invited to church on many occasions but he refuses to go. (I know that it isn't the church that saves but it helps your walk with God)

I hope that one day he will be open and I would love to see him live for God. That would be a great moment.
 
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wiltedflower

Guest
#9
Not really any advice, but at this point you should know that it's the drugs in control not the guy you married. He may not be lying when he says sorry, or that he doesn't want to do this anymore. I know personally how tight opiates can grab you, I never did meth, but hear that's even worse. Is he open to Jesus at all? Because at this point Jesus is his only sure hope. Is he convincing when he says he wants to stop? Like I said he really may want to stop, but on his own will power that is very unlikely to ever happen. How much does he value having you and the girls in his life? Leaving just like that may be a wake up call, but it may just push him deeper into the drugs too. The one thing I can offer as advice is, stay talking to God. He will guide you right, and I pray your husband as well. I pray He give you the strength, wisdom, and knowledge you need to make the right decision.
Regarding what you say I could deal with the opiate addiction but the lying is what does it all in the end for me. I can't handle the lying (I know that may sound weird)
I think the constant lying is what is hard on top of the financial mess he has created.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
70,862
9,581
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#10
Thank you everyone for your words. I know that the children love their father and the limited time he is with them (even when we were home) It would only be fun and games he never dealt with the whole responsibility of having children. I think this is why he loses insight on how important they are.

I know that it is the drugs that talk and that is why I have tried to stay but I just don't think I can stay anymore. The first time I left he was all about getting us back but this time he claims he wants to see the girls but when when he does it is only for an hour at the most.

He says he wants to be part of their lives but so far has found excuses to not see them everyday and when he does it is only temporary. It is like it is content only seeing them for a short while. I guess now that it how it was at home too so I shouldn't be so surprised.

about God no he isn't open. He knows that there is God and that Jesus died for us but that is as far as it gets. He doesn't want to change or deal with issues in life or deal with convection that God gives us. I have invited to church on many occasions but he refuses to go.

I hope that one day he will be open and I would love to see him live for God. That would be a great moment.

​Turn this whole thing over to God. Him seeing the kids sporadically is hurting them far worse than not seeing him at all. Kids know when their parents think they are more important than anything else. Only God can change him. Right now it sounds like he's too far into drugs to be able to see anything clearly. You leaving and getting a divorce may just be what delivers him to God. Just please don't stay out of guilt or wishful thinking. Be realistic and know that this situation is bad for ALL involved.
 

Jimbone

Senior Member
Aug 22, 2014
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#11
Regarding what you say I could deal with the opiate addiction but the lying is what does it all in the end for me. I can't handle the lying (I know that may sound weird)
I think the constant lying is what is hard on top of the financial mess he has created.
I understand you 100%, without trust there can be nothing else. I was really just trying to say something encouraging really. It is a very bad situation you find yourself in with no easy way out. God is the only thing that can heal this marriage and I admire you for even being willing to try. I wish you the best sister and may the Holy Spirit guide you.
 
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wiltedflower

Guest
#12
Thank you! I appreciate this!!
 

notuptome

Senior Member
May 17, 2013
15,050
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#13
Unless and until he gets clean you are endangering your children by having them around him. How would you feel if one of the kids found his stuff and got poisoned by his drugs?

God will give you grace to separate and wait for him to hit bottom so someone can help him

For the cause of Christ
Roger
 
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Ann-childoftheKing

Guest
#14
I think that with the informations that you have given on here.......advising you to "leave" is the right thing for now, or for him to leave......only because of your children. If anyone calls the cops or is he gets caught.....and meth and drugs & stuff are at your home, with those babies.......your babies will be taken away! You have to do what is right for your children. Keep praying for him- ask him to go to counseling or rehab.....drugs are so very powerful.......but also dangerous to children.....and everyone .....you dont have to divorce him.......but you do need to put your children first...........................this is just my opinion........
Ill be praying for you....
God Bless
 

Angela53510

Senior Member
Jan 24, 2011
11,780
2,940
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#15
I have but I just feel so guilty about our children. I am content about leaving and getting the divorce but I just think about the impact it would have on our children

I hope you you realize how ironical this statement is! What is going impact your children the most is having a lying, drug addict for a role model as a father. Get out and stay out!

If your husband loses you and the children, he may seek help. He may hit bottom, and look up and find Jesus. If you keep enabling his habit, he will have no motive to change.

By the way, not everyone with chronic pain becomes addicted, or moves up to meth. I have had chronic pain for 30 years now, along with disabling Rheumatoid Arthritis the last 15 years. I take a pain killer occasionally, but I am not addicted, despite the daily struggle to get out of bed. Your husband is an addict, you need to go to Narc Anon, and find out how you can help stop enabling him, but more important, to take care of yourself and your children.
 
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pastac

Guest
#16
I wonder what is Jesus advice and not our own. Danger is in asking people their opinion and advice and forsaking what Jesus is saying. I do not agree with the majority of post on cc as a mere fact that opinions differ as does understanding. I do know this I would only accept advice that is what the Lord says concerning ME! And the word is my measuring stick not the opinion of people. Asking people for help and not God is natural what is un natural is some of the so called christian answers!!!Just a thought
pastac
 
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VioletReigns

Guest
#17
Father God, we all come together asking You to guide our sister, wiltedflower and give her wisdom in her situation. Lead her to a godly counselor and/or pastor and a group of Christian woman who can fellowship with and encourage her and the children. Lord, You know what is the perfect will for her life. I ask above all else she learn how faithful and mighty you are, how true Your Word! Let her grow in strength and peace and let her heart be filled with the spirit of joy that the world can't take away.

We know Lord that only you can help her husband who is in the poisonous grip of addiction and cannot see at all. He is blind and deceived. Help him, Father. We give him to You to deliver and save, Father God. Let wiltedflower trust You in this and help her to let him go into Your mighty hands, Great Physician!! In Your Holy Name we pray, Jesus.
 

Jimbone

Senior Member
Aug 22, 2014
2,694
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#18
Father God, we all come together asking You to guide our sister, wiltedflower and give her wisdom in her situation. Lead her to a godly counselor and/or pastor and a group of Christian woman who can fellowship with and encourage her and the children. Lord, You know what is the perfect will for her life. I ask above all else she learn how faithful and mighty you are, how true Your Word! Let her grow in strength and peace and let her heart be filled with the spirit of joy that the world can't take away.

We know Lord that only you can help her husband who is in the poisonous grip of addiction and cannot see at all. He is blind and deceived. Help him, Father. We give him to You to deliver and save, Father God. Let wiltedflower trust You in this and help her to let him go into Your mighty hands, Great Physician!! In Your Holy Name we pray, Jesus.
Amen to this sister. Very nice.
 
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pastac

Guest
#19
Father God, we all come together asking You to guide our sister, wiltedflower and give her wisdom in her situation. Lead her to a godly counselor and/or pastor and a group of Christian woman who can fellowship with and encourage her and the children. Lord, You know what is the perfect will for her life. I ask above all else she learn how faithful and mighty you are, how true Your Word! Let her grow in strength and peace and let her heart be filled with the spirit of joy that the world can't take away.

We know Lord that only you can help her husband who is in the poisonous grip of addiction and cannot see at all. He is blind and deceived. Help him, Father. We give him to You to deliver and save, Father God. Let wiltedflower trust You in this and help her to let him go into Your mighty hands, Great Physician!! In Your Holy Name we pray, Jesus.
Instead of all the stuff people give they should be giving this type of response this is wisdom and perfect for the op.
pastac
 
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pastac

Guest
#20
cc has made me a better Pastor I can say that.