C
I am struggling with a lot uncertainty and depression for the past month. I have cheated on my husband of 6 years with someone who I now feel I am in love with. I started chatting with this person 3 years ago at work through email. He is the company I.T. Guy and is at my site 1x/ wk. These were usually just humorous and innocent but it soon turned into an emotional bond. I struggled hard with conviction of my feelings for this man in 2012 and I had considered leaving my husband, not really for the man at work but because I thought I didn't love my husband like I should. In an effort to forget the other man I turned my focus on buying a house and having a baby. Our chats became a little more casual and not so flirtatious. This summer the emails became suddenly more frequent and eventually turned into something more serious as we were contacting each other on nights and weekends as well and my convictions returned. My guilt eventually subsided though and What was kind of a flirtatious joke turned into reality and this led up to our meeting in my office late one night (about a month ago) where we did engage in physical contact.
I felt him distance from me a little and later he finally told me that he felt too guilty to continue but still wanted me in his life. I know he is absolutely right about his decision, but it hurt me very badly regardless. Since then I have cried every day, struggled with mixed emotions from guilt, anger, hurt, rejection and love. I do feel that I love him, but I know we cannot be together in any way. And even if I did he is doing the right thing and remaining faithful to his wife.
I'm afraid now. I truly believe that I do not love my husband as I should and I'm don't know if I want to make the marriage work. He's really close to being perfect and he loves me unconditionally, but I feel it is unfair to him since I do not feel the same. I must also admit that this is not a realization that is new. When I married my husband in 2008 I had only been divorced for a few months and I knew I was settling. I never had the infatuation feelings for him in the beginning. I had no sparks or chemistry. I was a recovering addict and I knew I could never do any better than him. Since then I have tried to ignore the fact that I do not feel about him the way he feels about me. I feel absolutely miserable for the past few weeks and have considered leaving my husband. I know that biblically I should try to work on the marriage but I'm scared that I won't feel the same way for him as he does me. I have prayed and prayed and asked God to guide me or make me love my husband and at the same time I can't help but to consider being a single mom and working on my issues. I've never been alone or single. I love my husband as a close friend but not as a husband and lover. Only now am I fully able to admit that I never have.
I feel like I am grieving for the other man and also that I am being smothered by my home life. I feel lost and alone and I need someone to talk to (I have only told my new therapist) until God makes his move for me. I don't know what to do and I cry every day for the other man, and I'm having to hide the fact that I feel miserable from everyone. I know what I have done is wrong, but the rejection from the other man still hurts. I feel guilty for being so selfish, but I cannot imagine spending the rest of my life with someone I don't love. I know it's a little late for that but I'm just now coming out if denial. I feel like I may be making a huge decision soon that will affect my family. I really need prayer right now.
I felt him distance from me a little and later he finally told me that he felt too guilty to continue but still wanted me in his life. I know he is absolutely right about his decision, but it hurt me very badly regardless. Since then I have cried every day, struggled with mixed emotions from guilt, anger, hurt, rejection and love. I do feel that I love him, but I know we cannot be together in any way. And even if I did he is doing the right thing and remaining faithful to his wife.
I'm afraid now. I truly believe that I do not love my husband as I should and I'm don't know if I want to make the marriage work. He's really close to being perfect and he loves me unconditionally, but I feel it is unfair to him since I do not feel the same. I must also admit that this is not a realization that is new. When I married my husband in 2008 I had only been divorced for a few months and I knew I was settling. I never had the infatuation feelings for him in the beginning. I had no sparks or chemistry. I was a recovering addict and I knew I could never do any better than him. Since then I have tried to ignore the fact that I do not feel about him the way he feels about me. I feel absolutely miserable for the past few weeks and have considered leaving my husband. I know that biblically I should try to work on the marriage but I'm scared that I won't feel the same way for him as he does me. I have prayed and prayed and asked God to guide me or make me love my husband and at the same time I can't help but to consider being a single mom and working on my issues. I've never been alone or single. I love my husband as a close friend but not as a husband and lover. Only now am I fully able to admit that I never have.
I feel like I am grieving for the other man and also that I am being smothered by my home life. I feel lost and alone and I need someone to talk to (I have only told my new therapist) until God makes his move for me. I don't know what to do and I cry every day for the other man, and I'm having to hide the fact that I feel miserable from everyone. I know what I have done is wrong, but the rejection from the other man still hurts. I feel guilty for being so selfish, but I cannot imagine spending the rest of my life with someone I don't love. I know it's a little late for that but I'm just now coming out if denial. I feel like I may be making a huge decision soon that will affect my family. I really need prayer right now.
