My husband and the drama that follows PART 4!!! UPDATE!

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christianwife87

Senior Member
#1
Dec 3, 2013
106
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#1
Hello again, I previously posted a few other threads with parts 1, 2 and 3 titled the same as this thread. Please read those threads for details.

Since the last time my husband and I had seperated, I stopped accepting his calls, we did not talk for 2 or more weeks, he got another cell phone and a new number and contacted me, I didn't know who the number belonged to so a few days later I called the number back in hopes that it would be him, and surprisingly it was. He expressed to me that he is not the same without me, that he hasn't laughed or smiled and that he wanted to work on our marriage, I didn't know what to think, I was kind of nervous because I don't want to be hurt again.

He asked me to come pick him up because he wanted to move back in the house. A part of me felt like it was to soon, and another part of me felt as if this is my last chance to work on my marriage and to not let the devil defeat us. So I picked him up, we talked and made plans for what we were going to do to fix our marriage as well as getting immediate counseling.

We agreed on how we were going to work together in parenting and praying together to start. A part of me wasn't content with everything that was going on because I didn't know if it was a part of God's will. But I prayed and prayed and as I prayed I started to get signs and gain peace in knowing that this was a part of God's plan. All I had to do was my part and be the best wife I can ever be, and shower him with love.

For the first 5 days everything was beautiful! I was so happy, everything was almost perfect, we still had our disagreements but we solved them apologize to each other and quickly made up.


The 6th day, he woke up a totally different person. He was so quiet but so angry, he started talking to me with this certain attitude, I asked him if he was okay, be said "yes, it's not you, its my own problems and I'm not ready to discuss it with you right now, just know that it's not because of you."

So I gave him his space for the day, but ever since that day he's been acting a bit off, like he doesnt care, but he still continues to say it's not me. I'm starting to feel like it is, because it's not need to treat, talk or look at me the way he does, I've even tries to express my feelings to him, but he brushes me off, and I believe he tries to start an argument.

I quickly dismiss the arguing and apologize for approaching him with my problems, and I walk away, go into a private place and pray and cry.
I'm starting to feel as if he really doesn't love me or even wants to be here with me, or maybe he's not attracted to me anymore, because the looks he gives me is like I disgust him, but then he will come to me 5 minutes later saying he loves me.

I really don't know what the problem is. I've changed and all I do is show him love, I used to argue back, but I'm so tired of the arguments all I want is my marriage. Sometimes I feel like he wants me to say something bad so that he can leave. But all I do is respond with love and apologize if I need to to.

I don't know what this man wants from me. I'm trying my best.
 
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Agricola

Agricola

Senior Member
#2
Dec 10, 2012
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So you basically allowed him back in to your home and life after he emotionally blackmailed you, and you did so without dealing with or resolving the issues as to why he left in the first place.

His family are poisioning him against you, manipulating him and trying to remove you from his life. His drug dealing, how do you know he is still not carrying on with this? Because he told you? Yes convenient that.

If you want this to be resolved you must get him to cut his mothers apron strings that are still tied to him, move thousands of miles away and get them out of your life, that of course will not stop him from calling them, this is something he has to deal with, he has to make a choice, them or you. Do you really want someone who is dealing with drugs around your kids? NOt only is there the issue of finding drugs, but drug wars are real, do you really want to have police turn up to either arrest him or inform you he is dead. Even worse is that people could seek revenge or retribution and turn up on your door step and goodness knows what can happen. Drive by shooting is also not out of the question.

Problem is that you have become too weak, an all too common thing with women who are abused and mistreated, you just want him back at any cost and that cost will just escalate and give the message that you are a door mat and will let your husband back in if he sheds enough crocodile tears, he then has a nice home to live in again, a woman to do stuff for him and of course sex.


Personally I would hire a private detective to follow him for a couple of weeks and see what he gets up to.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#3
Feb 21, 2014
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#3
He just wants to be in control of this relationship, that's all. He's made it clear he don't want to be with you, and he's grandstanding right now so he won't lose you. Stand up for once, and say enough is enough!! You deserve better than this--quit playing this wiffle-waffle game with him, and boot him to the curb once and for all.. He's using you, sweetie, and you're fallin' for it. :(
 
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pastac

Guest
#4
#4
or maybe God is working on his heart and he is mad at himself for being deceived and allowing his family to suffer. Or maybe he is reaping some of what he has sown and doesn't know how to handle it, Or maybe like he said he is working on him and expressed to his wife it is not her but him, in any respect something is going on. The private detective was way over the top! All the other emotional responses are way over the top.
Sister keep praying, keep focused, ask God to show you what to do next but don't follow any of this non Christian advice by well meaning folks. Well meaning folks are not in your home you are. folks calling you weak acting like they know you I'm appalled that folks have the gall to think they can still just say anything and not think it affects others /Not one response in this recent thread pointed to God in any way that should be a wake up call for you. It is a reason I am against to much asking for help and sharing so much information and arm chair counseling online.Its always easy to say what one should do I just implore you to continue to seek God and whatever advice you get from this site or other sites or people you better pray and ask God about it before making a bigger mess than it already is. I'll add you to my prayer list be blessed
pastac
 
Agricola

Agricola

Senior Member
#5
Dec 10, 2012
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Pastac, that is a typical male response,have you read the previous posts as to what has been happening? Just because someone plays the Christian card does not make everything alright and that everyone should play happy family because they are "Christians".

This man has been dealing with drugs and proberbly still is, the private detective is not over the top, the other replys are not emotional knee jerk responses, it is sound common sense and good advice.

The change of behavoiur could also be down to having to live so many lies to conceal from the wife what is going on in his life, the bridges are as good as burnt, it is going to take more than just letting someone move back in and pretend everything will be fine because one person is talking to God about it and the other is pretending to or making some token gesture.

I have always advised people to get proper councilling, but in many occasions it is obvious what is going on and this so called husband is waste of space and dead wood and will continue to be so unless he removes the influence of his family from his life and proves that he is not involved in dealing with drugs anymore and is not getting up to or involved with anything else, including other women. A private investigator will help with this.
 
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pastac

Guest
#6
#6
I have read it and that is not the issue the issue is arm chair counseling. Have you read my typical male response as if I am uncaring. That is my point right there. Keep it God and we are going to be ok. You don't tell a hurting person they are weak on a public site that is personal. Or maybe that is typical? Play the Christian card what other card is it to play? It could be many things but to write this off as manipulation is just plain wrong. God can do all things. This is not a woman without choice but the choice are hers to make.
I just pointed her to the cross and what God says not what I say. So if you say typical so be it. I say watch what you say. Private investigator ludicrous or maybe in your circle typical. You want a hurting woman going through hell on earth with a husband tormented by demonic influences and drugs and manipulation from family to gather up money to hire a private investigator to tell her what she lives? Go figure. That's the way of the world not Gods way. Did you read anything I said or are you just responding because its typical? You don't know anything you allude to be true unless you have some inside track no other christaian has. This could be God working on him couldn't it?????? You are so concerned where is God in your concern or recent post. This has to be a God thing not a us thing!
pastac
 
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blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#7
Feb 21, 2014
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#7
​Pastac, have you even read her 3 previous threads of the same title? If not, I encourage you to..then you will gain alot more insight to her situation.. This has been going on for several MONTHS now, it's not something that just came up.. I sympathize with her but she's allowing herself to be used by him time and again.. She needs to stand up and take a stand and put an end to this charade.
 
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DespisedRejected

Guest
#8
#8
If you want to see your future, read my recent post. It's not pretty. I've been in EXACTLY your position with a husband that did the same things. Please don't make my mistakes. He is poison.
 
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Michelleks

Guest
#9
#9
Some man gets hurt in heart so easily, that the only right way we need to do , is might to feed them until they grow up, or feeding them for ever? I am one who also suffer!
I figured it out that, when they have bad mood, it,s time for us to care for him, ask what is wrong,
when they pick on us, it,s time for us to praise them, you are good at this, I am not good at this, please teach me, show me how to do this.when they have different need than us, and would not grant us any life wishes, we have to ask them, what have we not done enough, that Make him resent us, and want to do things to teach us lessons.
 
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pastac

Guest
#10
#10
blue_ladybug said:
​Pastac, have you even read her 3 previous threads of the same title? If not, I encourage you to..then you will gain alot more insight to her situation.. This has been going on for several MONTHS now, it's not something that just came up.. I sympathize with her but she's allowing herself to be used by him time and again.. She needs to stand up and take a stand and put an end to this charade.
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I did and my point remains the same It could be God working could it not? This is not our life but hers we lead her in the direction of the cross not our thoughts. I follow a lot of threads and only respond when I am led to by the spirit of God. I know everyone means well but take a look at the comments from my eyes as a Pastor.

I have to point people to the cross in spite of my personal view and I have many. It is easier for me to remember that even though all are not Pastors all are called to be ministers of reconciliation. So Yes blb I am familiar with all the other post on her situation. And to be honest you don't know she is being used do you. Isn't that just your feelings on the matter. Because if you had the answer for her I'm sure you would share it. All I'm saying is let God do what he is doing if he is in everything he is in this Too!
pastac
 
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Michelleks

Guest
#11
#11
Every one can say their suggestions and the asker has to pray, what she needs to listen to .what is God,s will. We do not know what is God,s will, so we ask around, and try to find out. So what ever answers showed our love.
 
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pastac

Guest
#12
#12
DespisedRejected said:
If you want to see your future, read my recent post. It's not pretty. I've been in EXACTLY your position with a husband that did the same things. Please don't make my mistakes. He is poison.
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That is not fair you are you and she is who she is your life is yours hers is hers to make comparisons would mean she has no identity. You past and your problems are from a different set of circumstances. Though you may sympathize or even empathize to say her life and her future are like yours is untrue and unfair. meaning well is one thing saying stuff to steer one away from the cross is another we point to the cross not away fro it.
 
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pastac

Guest
#13
#13
Michelleks said:
Every one can say their suggestions and the asker has to pray, what she needs to listen to .what is God,s will. We do not know what is God,s will, so we ask around, and try to find out. So what ever answers showed our love.
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I get that but that love should be in the direction of the cross and not tied up in emotion
 
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pastac

Guest
#14
#14
Michelleks said:
Some man gets hurt in heart so easily, that the only right way we need to do , is might to feed them until they grow up, or feeding them for ever? I am one who also suffer!
I figured it out that, when they have bad mood, it,s time for us to care for him, ask what is wrong,
when they pick on us, it,s time for us to praise them, you are good at this, I am not good at this, please teach me, show me how to do this.when they have different need than us, and would not grant us any life wishes, we have to ask them, what have we not done enough, that Make him resent us, and want to do things to teach us lessons.
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I'm not clear on what you are saying?
 
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Michelleks

Guest
#15
#15
What I am saying is that some man needs a lot of approval, and we need to feed them this need otherwise they will always be unhappy. It,s not just say some good word about him, to use words again and again to reassure him, but also, to do things to help them grow stronger, more mature, more positive, by not being negative.
I did not do it good, I just think this might be the solution. I introduce book respect dare for woman, and love dare for man.
 
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pastac

Guest
#16
#16
A sure fire solution is to have him involved in counseling as part of his continued living arrangement within the home. If he refuses or misses any appointment for any reason then she has a clearer picture of what decisions to make for her future. And two sets of counseling drug counseling and marriage counseling. If he refuses she can reconsider the living arrangement or at the least the sleeping arrangement if that is an issue. She has the power to make good choices and we must point to that and not be so emotional. I agree some men need specific things. In this case he needs help and she is helping but needs options to reassure that the pattern he has shown is broken. He needs counseling both for drugs and marriage that would be my suggestion and this is not emotion driven
pastac
 
santuzza

santuzza

Senior Member
#17
Feb 12, 2013
1,609
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#17
You continue to be stuck in the same vicious circle. You should not let him back into your home until you have both been through SIGNIFICANT Christian counseling -- both as individuals and as a couple. He needs to completely clean up his act -- no more drug dealing. He needs to prove his love and fidelity. He needs to build back the trust. The ball is in his court, but you've got to stop letting him off the hook. Get him out of your home. You have to build your relationship back BEFORE you live together again.

Repeating the same mistakes is not going to make the marriage any stronger.
 
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pastac

Guest
#18
#18
santuzza said:
You continue to be stuck in the same vicious circle. You should not let him back into your home until you have both been through SIGNIFICANT Christian counseling -- both as individuals and as a couple. He needs to completely clean up his act -- no more drug dealing. He needs to prove his love and fidelity. He needs to build back the trust. The ball is in his court, but you've got to stop letting him off the hook. Get him out of your home. You have to build your relationship back BEFORE you live together again.

Repeating the same mistakes is not going to make the marriage any stronger.
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well its not that easy as you say since he was let back in the home now we go from there. Counseling is surely necessary I;m praying for them I sure hope everyone who makes comments are too!
pastac
 
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christianwife87

Senior Member
#19
Dec 3, 2013
106
1
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#19
Thanks for everyone's comments, I will respond one by one.

Today, he told me I was irritating him, because I asked him certain questions like "did you put gas in the car babe?" I've been nothing but loving to him and he's only getting meaner. I really don't know what to do or how to react. This is getting out of hand. It's like he purposely is trying to start an argument. He told me not to speak to him. Why is he trying to hurt me?
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#20
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
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#20
christianwife87 said:
Thanks for everyone's comments, I will respond one by one.

Today, he told me I was irritating him, because I asked him certain questions like "did you put gas in the car babe?" I've been nothing but loving to him and he's only getting meaner. I really don't know what to do or how to react. This is getting out of hand. It's like he purposely is trying to start an argument. He told me not to speak to him. Why is he trying to hurt me?
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Sounds like he's being as cruel as possible so you will throw in the towel and give him what he wants: freedom to do what he wants. You need to give him some tough love..stand up for yourself, kick him back out. He's a mama's boy and that aint gonna ever change. He made his bed of thorns, make him lay in it.. You're not a servant, nor a slave, but you're letting yourself be a doormat for this guy!!!
 
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