Hi there. My heart truely goes out to you. That is a horrible, horrible situation. I know some of the pain and confusion you are experiencing, I was married for six years and my husband cheated over a long period of time. We are currently separated and just today I am looking into a divorce. Thankfully there are no children in the mix though there nearly were, he really pressured me to have kids and I almost did it.
What I want to say to you the loudest is unfortunately the thing that might be the hardest to hear because it feels like adding to the lonliness. It sounds cliche and obvious but it's something that will catch up with you eventually if you don't get a handle on it now. And it's that you need to make your own decision. Support is great, encouragement and comfort are necessary, but at the end of the day, figaratively speaking, you are the one who is accountable for the decisions that affect your life and all the people who asserted their opinions and made judgements and gave advice - well intentioned as they were, and whether or not they were "right".. whatever that even means, where will they be when you are busy living out the effects of their words? I don't mean to be a synic but in my ecperience there are seldom or never people around when the poo hits the fan who will say - "you know I shouldn't have told you to do that. I didn't see that it would turn out like this I'm so sorry". Even if they did, what good would that do? It doesn't undo the effects of your decision. It's the same with any big decision - having a babyfor example - some clucky friend may pressure you to do it on their own opinion or emotional whim, but you're the one that will have to spend the rest of your life being a parent. The same for getting married, the same for getting divroced, and the same for staying with a cheating husband. It is so, so important that you understand the freedom that you have to make your own decision, and the importance of valuing your own life for yourself. I'm not saying suggestions aren't valuable, and that you shouldn't ask for advice. I'm just saying that you need to be certain you inevitibly make a decision based on your own value and not someone else's opinion.
I'm really cautious about putting any kind of air of authority in things that I post, and I don't want you to think that I would presume that you don't already know what I'm saying, it's just that it has been my experience to be in such a vulnerable position of feeling weak and confused and I know that for me, in that state, I need people to speak stongly, but not controllingly. I needed people to empower and encourage me, but not to tell me what to do as such. I needed them to magnify truth that I already knew, and help bring clarity to my swirling thoughts, and create a space for me to process what was new and confusing to me, and in the end it was those people, not the ones who just boldly told me speciffically what to do, who fed me in a more permanant way. You know how it is, give a man a fish, you feed him for a day, teach a man to fish...
That said, I will say some things for information's sake.
Jesus did say that marital unfaithfulness is the only grounds for divorce.
The thing about your situation is that your husband has cheated, and that makes it a horrible situation. It sucks no matter which way you slice it. I found it extermely hurtful when peopl looked at me like I wasn't having "faith" when I looked at my situation and and admitted it sucks.
Divorce is never good, but on the grounds of marital unfaithfulness it is permitted. What Jesus was saying is that when someone in a marriage sleeps with someone else the unity has been severed. It's not going to ever be how it was supposed to be now. In my opinion one of the worst ways to look at things now is "how can I make it right?" I don't think you can. And I don't think that there is any "right" answer. That is why divorce is permitted. It would be cruel for the expectation to be upheld that you should stay in a marriage (the purpose for which is unity) where the unity has been severed. But neither does that mean you are honour bound to leave. It means you are now given a choice.
And you know, sometimes God does give us directions. It doesn't mean he doesn't have a plan, but I believe his sovereignty is more misterious than we know, and that his divine will encompasses our own choices. That doesn't mean that we don't have to choose wisely or suffer consequences, nor that we ultimately have no choices because things will just pan out according to "fate" anyway. This is a whole other theological subjuect but I believe it's important because it affects the way we view choices. And my personal belief is that we can embrace both truths without having to understand how they can co-exist, that is, both that God is sovereign, and that we have free will.
A good example of this in a small way is that I have know "super spirituals" who get up in the morning and say "Oh mighty Lord, what wouldst thou have me to spread on the toast thou hast prvided for me? Peanut butter or jam?" And God says, "it doesn't matter. You choose." And they say "me? choose? but what if I get it wrong? Tell me what to do and I'll do it. I want to please you." Sometimes God may intervene in that way, because perhaps there is some reason it is important. But it is obvious in this small example that there are sometimes when God leaves the discision up to us and will go with us on it.
Obviously there is a lot more at stake for you than toast, and I don't want to downplay the consequences for whatever you do. I have seen kids suffer from having divorced parents, and I have seen them suffer from having parents who are together who really ought to be divorced. I have witnessed women live out their lives being "dead" while they put up with their situation instead of having hte courage to take action, and I have seen women give up on their marriages when their really was hope. You need to be sure about what you want and what your willing to go through. By all means, seek God and what he wants you to do, but please know that I beg you with the utmost empathy and love not to surcumb to pressure to do or not do anything.
I hope I said something encouraging, and that you will scream your frustrations at me if I said saomething hurtful, I can take it, and I know what it;s like to bottle that up out of politelness.
Much love
