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Thread: Husband cheating

  1. #1
    Reina143
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    Default Husband cheating

    I have been married for 11 1/2 years and he has cheated on me a total of 4 times now. 2 yrs ago he cheated and then just recently in Oct. I love him very much but he is addicted to porn and other sexually deviant behavior. He is a good man and has a big heart. I believe in his own way he loves but I am to the point where I am fed up. How do I begin to forgive him and move on" Do I even stay? I panic sometimes and just want to run like a scared rabbit. I know God does not like divorce. But what if the union was made by me and not by God. I was always have that sickening feeling when something is not right. I look and I find. Is this God telling me to leave or is it the devil trying to test my faith.

    My husband was raised in the church and now he doesnt wanna go. He says church is in his heart end of story. He also will not go to counseling because he believes he can change himself and he has control no problem. 3 kids later and 2 of which are girls and he does this? He begged me to stay but I dont know what to do.

    I feel alone and everyone says no way get out while u can or u r dumb for putting up with that. I am scared and just want to know when is God talking to me. I dont want to hurt anymore.

  2. #2
    greatkraw
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    Default Re: Husband cheating

    you can leave and not divorce him

    he needs a shock

  3. #3
    Reina143
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    Default Re: Husband cheating

    I have packed my things and he has held me down and begged me not to go. If he leave he will turn to someone else. His pride is a tad bit bigger than his heart. I have kept this relationship going he has just showed up. I do not want a divorce, I do not want to date when my kids are dating and refer to men as my boyfriends. I just dont know how to make this better.

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Husband cheating

    I'm in agreement with greatkraw here. God does hate divorce, but you could always simply take the kids and leave for a few days. Go to a relative or friend's house, or stay at a hotel. If you do this without telling him and just leave, it's a near certainty he'll call you to seek an explanation. You can calmly tell him that you still love him, but either the porn goes or you do...and you have to be prepared for either result. Yes, its a risk, but if he really loves you he will change. Pray for him, and ask God to work on his heart. Meanwhile, make whatever preparations you can for a quick exit.

  5. #5
    greatkraw
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    Default Re: Husband cheating

    i didnt say divorce - just leave and concentrate on the kids

    he needs a reason to reconsider

  6. #6
    greatkraw
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    Default Re: Husband cheating

    we can pray for him

    but its gonna get worse before it gets better

  7. #7
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    Default Re: Husband cheating

    Hi there. My heart truely goes out to you. That is a horrible, horrible situation. I know some of the pain and confusion you are experiencing, I was married for six years and my husband cheated over a long period of time. We are currently separated and just today I am looking into a divorce. Thankfully there are no children in the mix though there nearly were, he really pressured me to have kids and I almost did it.

    What I want to say to you the loudest is unfortunately the thing that might be the hardest to hear because it feels like adding to the lonliness. It sounds cliche and obvious but it's something that will catch up with you eventually if you don't get a handle on it now. And it's that you need to make your own decision. Support is great, encouragement and comfort are necessary, but at the end of the day, figaratively speaking, you are the one who is accountable for the decisions that affect your life and all the people who asserted their opinions and made judgements and gave advice - well intentioned as they were, and whether or not they were "right".. whatever that even means, where will they be when you are busy living out the effects of their words? I don't mean to be a synic but in my ecperience there are seldom or never people around when the poo hits the fan who will say - "you know I shouldn't have told you to do that. I didn't see that it would turn out like this I'm so sorry". Even if they did, what good would that do? It doesn't undo the effects of your decision. It's the same with any big decision - having a babyfor example - some clucky friend may pressure you to do it on their own opinion or emotional whim, but you're the one that will have to spend the rest of your life being a parent. The same for getting married, the same for getting divroced, and the same for staying with a cheating husband. It is so, so important that you understand the freedom that you have to make your own decision, and the importance of valuing your own life for yourself. I'm not saying suggestions aren't valuable, and that you shouldn't ask for advice. I'm just saying that you need to be certain you inevitibly make a decision based on your own value and not someone else's opinion.

    I'm really cautious about putting any kind of air of authority in things that I post, and I don't want you to think that I would presume that you don't already know what I'm saying, it's just that it has been my experience to be in such a vulnerable position of feeling weak and confused and I know that for me, in that state, I need people to speak stongly, but not controllingly. I needed people to empower and encourage me, but not to tell me what to do as such. I needed them to magnify truth that I already knew, and help bring clarity to my swirling thoughts, and create a space for me to process what was new and confusing to me, and in the end it was those people, not the ones who just boldly told me speciffically what to do, who fed me in a more permanant way. You know how it is, give a man a fish, you feed him for a day, teach a man to fish...

    That said, I will say some things for information's sake.
    Jesus did say that marital unfaithfulness is the only grounds for divorce.

    The thing about your situation is that your husband has cheated, and that makes it a horrible situation. It sucks no matter which way you slice it. I found it extermely hurtful when peopl looked at me like I wasn't having "faith" when I looked at my situation and and admitted it sucks.

    Divorce is never good, but on the grounds of marital unfaithfulness it is permitted. What Jesus was saying is that when someone in a marriage sleeps with someone else the unity has been severed. It's not going to ever be how it was supposed to be now. In my opinion one of the worst ways to look at things now is "how can I make it right?" I don't think you can. And I don't think that there is any "right" answer. That is why divorce is permitted. It would be cruel for the expectation to be upheld that you should stay in a marriage (the purpose for which is unity) where the unity has been severed. But neither does that mean you are honour bound to leave. It means you are now given a choice.

    And you know, sometimes God does give us directions. It doesn't mean he doesn't have a plan, but I believe his sovereignty is more misterious than we know, and that his divine will encompasses our own choices. That doesn't mean that we don't have to choose wisely or suffer consequences, nor that we ultimately have no choices because things will just pan out according to "fate" anyway. This is a whole other theological subjuect but I believe it's important because it affects the way we view choices. And my personal belief is that we can embrace both truths without having to understand how they can co-exist, that is, both that God is sovereign, and that we have free will.

    A good example of this in a small way is that I have know "super spirituals" who get up in the morning and say "Oh mighty Lord, what wouldst thou have me to spread on the toast thou hast prvided for me? Peanut butter or jam?" And God says, "it doesn't matter. You choose." And they say "me? choose? but what if I get it wrong? Tell me what to do and I'll do it. I want to please you." Sometimes God may intervene in that way, because perhaps there is some reason it is important. But it is obvious in this small example that there are sometimes when God leaves the discision up to us and will go with us on it.

    Obviously there is a lot more at stake for you than toast, and I don't want to downplay the consequences for whatever you do. I have seen kids suffer from having divorced parents, and I have seen them suffer from having parents who are together who really ought to be divorced. I have witnessed women live out their lives being "dead" while they put up with their situation instead of having hte courage to take action, and I have seen women give up on their marriages when their really was hope. You need to be sure about what you want and what your willing to go through. By all means, seek God and what he wants you to do, but please know that I beg you with the utmost empathy and love not to surcumb to pressure to do or not do anything.

    I hope I said something encouraging, and that you will scream your frustrations at me if I said saomething hurtful, I can take it, and I know what it;s like to bottle that up out of politelness.

    Much love

  8. #8
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    Default Re: Husband cheating

    I can't figure out how to include a quote in my post. Anyway I was only trying to quote myself, because halfway through writing my previous post here, a friend came over and I had to finish quickly.. so I was reading over it to make sure it came together ok, and noticed I wrote does instead of doesn't which is a rather vital distinction. Sometimes God DOESN'T give us directions is what I meant to say. Sometimes he grows us by going with us as we figure things out ourselves.

  9. #9
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    Default Re: Husband cheating

    Wake up. He's not a good man and he doesn't have a big heart.

  10. #10
    TpaRus
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    Default Re: Husband cheating

    I can give a perspective from the other side. I have had the problems your husband is having. Much of it I did in retaliation of being rejected by my wife. It doesnt make it right. I sought help, but nothing helped until I got serious. You need to do what the Bible says. Have a man from your church show up and confront your husband about his sin. When that does not work, have 2 or 3 from the church to confront him. And finally church discipline should be carried through. Don't listen to bitter people telling you to go with your emotions. For the children's sake, try to make it work.
    savedandIknowit likes this.

  11. #11
    kiwi_OT
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    Default Re: Husband cheating

    I agree with the others - leave him cold turkey. Dont divorce him yet, but certainly dont go back only after a few days then he will realise that you will run away and he will still have power over you. I feel like you are confusing Gods words with Satans words. Pornography and sex addiction not to mention unfaithfulness are terrible crimes in a marriage, and maybe he had a heart when you married him but he certainly has no heart for you because he has chosen to use and disrespect your heart in return. What he is doing is emotional spiritual abuse and wearing you out. You are battered and my heart cries out for you in compassion. Also - think of your children and how much they are aware of whats going on. I am sure they understand far more than you understand. Dont underestimate how much this is hurting them too. Do not allow your children to be shown by you that this is how a man treats his wife.
    If you leave, your husband will whine out penitence - dont listen to a word he says. Cheaters are known to be pathological liars. He has been doing this for years and he needs to finally reap what he has sown. Dont even allow him access to your children. This sounds incrediably cruel but after hes figured out that your not going to put up with his actions then he may turn nasty and use your children against you (emotional blackmail), esp if he has access to them.
    Another thing, only you know whats really going on in your home and how you are being treated. Dont allow people at church (or anywhere for that matter) to make you feel guilty for what you have done. You are not commiting any sin by standing up to your husband. You and your childrens physical, emotional and spiritual safety is more important to God than the state of your marriage right now. The bible says that divorce is only allowed if a spouse has been unfaithful. Your husband has cheated on you multiple times and has been unfaithful to you in many other ways as well as to God. If your husband as well as people from your church begin to abuse you then its best to leave that environment and find a church who will hear your story from an unbiased point of view and will seek to support and help you, I also recommend getting emotional support from a womens shelter as well.
    Dont let people throw scripture at your face regarding submission to your husband etc. Remember, men are also commanded to love their wives as Christ loves his people. Thats a big ask for men and many barely make it past average points in comparision to Jesus. Your husband isnt even close - he is pathetically pleasing satan than pleasing God.
    GET OUT NOW

    Many prayers and God bless

  12. #12
    Just_Ducky312
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    Smile Re: Husband cheating

    Have you gone to your chuch and joined a restoration group? It would really help for the time being. Porn and adultry are of darkness and its important for you to surround yourself with light. Focus on Christ and bring your wounded heart before the alter. Forgiveness is necessary. Ask God to examine your heart and cleanse it and start you fresh with a forgiving heart that holds no account. Pray and wait on God. He is faithful and will provide the BEST answer. We can only encourage you on your path but God has the answer to your situation. He has the ability to heal your marriage and restore you two as a couple. There is much work to be done, but with God all things are possible. Be encouraged and put your trust in Jesus. Much to you sister!

  13. #13
    Just_Ducky312
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    Default Re: Husband cheating

    I would also like to remind everyone about FORGIVENESS and surrender. We are all fallen and have come up short. There is not a one of us who can measure up.

    I do not take any side other than the side of Jesus. Pray, trust and have FAITH. What comes from faith is HOPE, and today we place our HOPE in HIS gentle hands and give thanks for the miraculous work He will do in their lives. Thank you Jesus!

  14. #14
    Greyhound
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    Default Re: Husband cheating

    I completely empathize with anyone who is a victim of an adulterous spouse. My wife has been cheating on me for years and I have suffered horribly as a result. What I need most from others is not advice but love and encouragement. Most Christians who are victims of affairs know what the Bible says and how they need to react accordingly. What is missing from the Church is to give these victims constant care. They need friends to take them to Church or out for coffee or a movie and encourage them to enjoy life. Try and get them some relief from the loneliness and despair. Being a victim of an adulterous spouse causes 24/7 unbearable heartache that can last for years.

  15. #15
    klarkkentklone
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    Default Re: Husband cheating

    Jesus says that you can divorce on the grounds of adultery and you certainly have that. He killed the marriage when he broke the vow that he took before God. Divorce would just be taking the dead marriage off of the life support.

    I wish you the best

  16. #16
    Senior Member DinoDillinger's Avatar
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    Default Re: Husband cheating

    Quote Originally Posted by TpaRus View Post
    I can give a perspective from the other side. I have had the problems your husband is having. Much of it I did in retaliation of being rejected by my wife. It doesnt make it right. I sought help, but nothing helped until I got serious. You need to do what the Bible says. Have a man from your church show up and confront your husband about his sin. When that does not work, have 2 or 3 from the church to confront him. And finally church discipline should be carried through. Don't listen to bitter people telling you to go with your emotions. For the children's sake, try to make it work.
    I would say do this.