Husband issued ultimatum

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Atwood

Senior Member
May 1, 2014
4,995
53
48
#21
I'm a christian my husband (and I use that title loosely as we are not actually married but have been together for nearly 8 years and people just assume we are) is not. He is very against the church and while he has tolerated my attendance for awhile he now says I have to choose. I think if it were just church attendance we could find a compromise but last night he issued an ultimatum that I either stop going to church, quit reading my bible, and stop exerting any christian influence over our kids( no bible stories or even christian music on regardless of his being present or not.) So the choice is abandon all practice of faith or loose him and my kids. I know the scriptures that say if you love your family more than me you are not worthy of me and that he did not come to bring peace but a sword. I know I cannot choose to deny God. But how do you explain choosing God first to someone who doesn't accept that he even exist.
Greetings Nikki.

I regret your pain, Nikki. But I think the Lord is helping you in this situation. The matter of fornication is rather simple. Sex outside of marriage is a serious sin.
No marriage? Then no sex.

And even if you were married, when an unbeliever leaves a believer, the believer is not bound. (1 Cor 7).

The Word of God is clear on the seriousness of fornication as a sin. Fornication is an intolerable sin. Persisting in fornication is a sign that a person is not saved, but heading to the Lake of Fire.

5:9 I wrote unto you in my epistle to have no company with fornicators; 10 not at all meaning with the fornicators of this world, or with the covetous and extortioners, or with idolaters; for then must ye needs go out of the world: 11 but as it is, I wrote unto you not to keep company, if any man that is named a brother be a fornicator, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or an extortioner; with such a one no, not to eat.


6:9 Or know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with men,


5:5 For this ye know of a surety, that no fornicator, nor unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, hath any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God.


1:10 for fornicators, for abusers of themselves with men, for menstealers, for liars, for false swearers, and if there be any other thing contrary to the sound doctrine;


13:4 Let marriage be had in honor among all, and let the bed be undefiled: for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.


15:19 For out of the heart come forth evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, railings:


7:21 For from within, out of the heart of men, evil thoughts proceed, fornications, thefts, murders, adulteries,


15:20 but that we write unto them, that they abstain from the pollutions of idols, and from fornication,


15:29 that ye abstain from things sacrificed to idols, and from blood, and from things strangled, and from fornication; from which if ye keep yourselves, it shall be well with you. Fare ye well.


21:25 But as touching the Gentiles that have believed, we wrote, giving judgment that they should keep themselves from things sacrificed to idols, and from blood, and from what is strangled, and from fornication.


5:1 It is actually reported that there is fornication among you, and such fornication as is not even among the Gentiles, that one of you hath his father’s wife.


6:13 Meats for the belly, and the belly for meats: but God shall bring to nought both it and them. But the body is not for fornication, but for the Lord; and the Lord for the body:


6:18 Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.


7:2 But, because of fornications, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband.


10:8 Neither let us commit fornication, as some of them committed, and fell in one day three and twenty thousand.
12:21 lest again when I come my God should humble me before you, and I should mourn for many of them that have sinned heretofore, and repented not of the uncleanness and fornication and lasciviousness which they committed.


5:19 Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these: fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness,
5:3 But fornication, and all uncleanness, or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as becometh saints;


3:5 Put to death therefore your members which are upon the earth: fornication, uncleanness, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry;


4:3 For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye abstain from fornication;


12:16 lest there be any fornication, or profane person, as Esau, who for one mess of meat sold his own birthright.


7 Even as Sodom and Gomorrah, and the cities about them, having in like manner with these given themselves over to fornication and gone after strange flesh, are set forth as an example, suffering the punishment of eternal fire.


2:14 But I have a few things against thee, because thou hast there some that hold the teaching of Balaam, who taught Balak to cast a stumblingblock before the children of Israel, to eat things sacrificed to idols, and to commit fornication.


2:20 But I have this against thee, that thou sufferest the woman Jezebel, who calleth herself a prophetess; and she teacheth and seduceth my servants to commit fornication, and to eat things sacrificed to idols. 21 And I gave her time that she should repent; and she willeth not to repent of her fornication.

9:21 and they repented not of their murders, nor of their sorceries, nor of their fornication, nor of their thefts.

21:8 But for the fearful, and unbelieving, and abominable, and murderers, and fornicators, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, their part shall be in the lake that burneth with fire and brimstone; which is the second death.

22:15 Without are the dogs, and the sorcerers, and the fornicators, and the murderers, and the idolaters, and every one that loveth and maketh a lie.
 
J

JesusistheChrist

Guest
#22
I wasn't a christian when we got together. I was raised in church but left as a teenager and did not return to faith until his year. This is not a problem I ever expected to face. I've talked to my pastor and he said to stay until forced out but to be ready with a plan b in case that happens. I'm just tired of the constant battle it's not good for my kids to see us so divided over anything but especially faith. I know I have to leave but worry about my kids. I know he would never harm them and feel secure about that but he has also made it clear that as long as I am involved in church ( a cult in his opinion) that he will do whatever he has to to keep the kids. He has the financial means and the connections to do just that. I know God will protect their hearts but mine is breaking knowing it may be some time after I leave before I get them back.
Hi, Nikki.

Why do you "have to leave" and how can he "force you out"?

I'm not sure what state you live within in the United States, but I'd solemnly counsel you NOT to leave (at least not without the children) until you check the laws in your particular state. I've recently had to endure some similar types of threats from my own wife and when I checked the laws in my own state, then I learned that it is NEVER a good idea to just leave without your children because then they might be awarded to your spouse in a custody battle in that it can be claimed that you abandoned them. I also learned that I (I'm a father, but it applies to mothers as well) have every right to teach my children my own religious beliefs without interference from my spouse. Anyhow, if you don't mind letting me know what state you live in, then I'd be willing to do some research for you to hopefully help you to do the right thing from a legal perspective. To my present knowledge, this man has no right to "force you out" because of your religious beliefs...unless he's more than willing to let the children leave with you.
 

RickyZ

Senior Member
Sep 20, 2012
9,635
787
113
#24
It sounds nearly unanimous. If he says you have to choose between him and God, the bat-rastard has to go!
 
Feb 16, 2014
903
2
0
#25
Nikki, I'm willing to talk to your husband for you. Over the phone or Skype, either would work fine.

I too am an atheist and I believe God to be nothing more than a mythological entity. However, one should conclude God isn't real based on logic, not force or upbringing*. As an atheist, I believe we should raise our children to draw their own conclusions about god. That's not to say we shouldn't tell them what we think, but we should allow them to seek other people's opinions. If our children become religious or believe in a god we don't believe in, then we just need to make sure they're living a good, selfless, caring, life. We need to continually push them to question themselves always - no matter what they conclude. If I had children, I would prefer they became atheists - but I'd rather them naturally conclude God is real through their own logical process than have them be conditioned to believe God isn't real. If your children don't believe in God simply because that's what you told them, they're going to lack the ability to make any logical conclusions themselves and their chances of becoming religious as adults increase.

The above is what I believe to be true and it's the approach I would take when talking to your husband. I doubt he would listen, but he'll be able to relate more with this perspective than any theistic perspective.

*When I say upbringing, I'm referring to children who are told what to think rather than being allowed to make their own conclusions.*

I normally try to combat religious extremism, but non-religious extremism is just as flawed for all the same reasons. Just send me a PM if you want to try and get me to talk to him personally. It's a stretch - but I'm willing to do what I can to help out.
 
S

soccermom19

Guest
#26
I feel for you.
First, you should pray. God will forgive your fornication if you repent. Which means you must leave your boyfriend. He isn't your husband so you shouldn't be living together in sin. Take your children with you. Go to a woman's shelter if you have to. Save up some money or sell some things and retain a good attorney. File whatever kind of legal paperwork that you have to. He can't just take the kids because he has money.
Get a job, if you don't have one. I would also buy a tape recorder and record him giving you these ultimatums. You may be able to use them against him in court. Don't back down. Be strong.
I will pray for you and your family. Just remember that God makes all things possible.
Bless you!
 
Dec 8, 2014
306
4
0
#27
I'm a christian my husband (and I use that title loosely as we are not actually married but have been together for nearly 8 years and people just assume we are) is not. He is very against the church and while he has tolerated my attendance for awhile he now says I have to choose. I think if it were just church attendance we could find a compromise but last night he issued an ultimatum that I either stop going to church, quit reading my bible, and stop exerting any christian influence over our kids( no bible stories or even christian music on regardless of his being present or not.) So the choice is abandon all practice of faith or loose him and my kids. I know the scriptures that say if you love your family more than me you are not worthy of me and that he did not come to bring peace but a sword. I know I cannot choose to deny God. But how do you explain choosing God first to someone who doesn't accept that he even exist.
What happens to you after this earthly life is over is not going to be decided by a human being, it will be decided by God. That should weigh heavily on any decision you make.
 

DiscipleDave

Senior Member
Sep 4, 2012
3,095
69
48
#29
I'm a christian my husband (and I use that title loosely as we are not actually married but have been together for nearly 8 years and people just assume we are) is not. He is very against the church and while he has tolerated my attendance for awhile he now says I have to choose. I think if it were just church attendance we could find a compromise but last night he issued an ultimatum that I either stop going to church, quit reading my bible, and stop exerting any christian influence over our kids( no bible stories or even christian music on regardless of his being present or not.) So the choice is abandon all practice of faith or loose him and my kids. I know the scriptures that say if you love your family more than me you are not worthy of me and that he did not come to bring peace but a sword. I know I cannot choose to deny God. But how do you explain choosing God first to someone who doesn't accept that he even exist.
If you are having doubts as to what to choose, you have chosen already.

There is nothing more important than this statement:

Where are you going to go when you die, and live for all eternity?

You know the verse that says " if you love your family more than me you are not worthy of me and that he did not come to bring peace but a sword"

But do you know the verse that says :


  • Matthew 19:29 And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name’s sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life.

The choice is, choose your husband and forsake God, or choose God and forsake your husband and maybe your kids. Your first mistake was having a sexual relationship with this man not being married to him. So the relationship started out with fornication, therefore NOT blessed by God. And now you are still living in fornication having to decide between God and your husband. King David had one affair and God took the life of his child from him. You live in fornication with this man for EIGHT YEARS, knowing all along it is wrong and against God, then wander why God may take your children from you? Or live in that marriage being miserable with that man.

It is written, What fellowship hath light with darkness? When you were single, and this nonbeliever came into your life, a red flag should have been going off in your mind.

Its your choice. Choose God and your Faith and live for all eternity in Heaven
or Choose your husband and deny your Faith and. . .. Well you know.....

i will pray for you that your choice is one that pleases God.

^i^
 
Dec 22, 2014
72
1
0
#30
I'm a christian my husband (and I use that title loosely as we are not actually married but have been together for nearly 8 years and people just assume we are) is not. He is very against the church and while he has tolerated my attendance for awhile he now says I have to choose. I think if it were just church attendance we could find a compromise but last night he issued an ultimatum that I either stop going to church, quit reading my bible, and stop exerting any christian influence over our kids( no bible stories or even christian music on regardless of his being present or not.) So the choice is abandon all practice of faith or loose him and my kids. I know the scriptures that say if you love your family more than me you are not worthy of me and that he did not come to bring peace but a sword. I know I cannot choose to deny God. But how do you explain choosing God first to someone who doesn't accept that he even exist.
Being in a relationship does not mean giving up the keys to your soul. Maybe to your heart... but never the soul. Speaking as a pastor, I will quickly remind us that in the end, every individual will have to stand before the Creator and account for their own life (what we did or didn't do.) So, I'll leave the "Christianity" stuff to that and just speak in general terms.

From the flag on your profile, I presume you are in the US (not in Afghanistan or Sudan.) And from what I know, Americans are as a "civilized" society as we Canadians are. We both share the same freedoms and liberties, one of which is the "Freedom of Faith".

And so, whenever we get into relationships (marriage or common-law), both partners subconsciously understand and respect the fact there still are limits. They don't explicitly talk about it, and I presume you and your partner never did, and that's simply because as "civilized" people, we implicitly know that some things are simply out of bound... and we subconsciously respect that.

Now, one of those things happens to be those "Freedoms & Liberties." (And I'm sure you know it deep inside your heart). No husband (or boyfriend) has the right to try and "hijack" your soul (i.e. what you believe). You cannot force him to believe in something, just as he cannot force you to not-believe in something. I'm not a lawyer but I'm certain that this is ground for a legal case... but I won't say that's the path you need to take.

Here's what I suggest you do: Wait for a moment when everything is peaceful, time when he's not cranky, and intelligently as him the question: "Honey, do you remember that woman who was in the news, from Sudan, jailed because she had married a Christian man? Or that young girl in Afghanistan, shot in the head by Talibans because she was going to school and these guys didn't think girls should attend school. Do you remember those?"

If he does remember, then ask: "What's your take? What do you think about those 2 stories?"

It may very well be that you end up realizing you're married to some kind of "Taliban" (as dreadful as it sounds). In that case, you will have to make a decision... most probably the most painful decision you've ever made in your life. If you decide you must leave, I am 99% certain that you will not loose your kids; whatever fight he puts up (his money and/or friends). Some things are just unacceptable; that's the bottom line... and I'm telling you that the moment even those contacts of his realize that their so-called "friend" is actually a "Taliban"; you will be amazed at how they will all abandon him one by one.

Just be strong, be brave, and keep in mind that the Lord your God will stand by you all the way until all this is behind you.

All the best.
 
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Mammachickadee

Guest
#31
The closer you hold Christ the easier it is to give up everything else and still be in perfect peace. As the mother you will never lose your children. Retain residential custody and the rest is a breeze. In the mean time... I know it's hard to prioritize God as your head when fear starts shaking the foundation of your faith, but in the end God's the one that will never leave you or forsake you. Do you really want a man around that would try to make you leave your first love?