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K
Thanks for sharing! As I read it seemed like a "no brainer" but as I read further the article made great points.I grew up with disaster parents.I love them but they constantly fought.My father always threatened one day he would be leaving.I didnt realize how much this affected me until I started dating.The first guy I dated promised the moon and I fell for it hook,line and sinker.He left on a job halfway across the country and cheated with someone there.I was so mad at myself because I was very cynical when it came to men and relationships because I grew up with constantly bickering parents.They never divorced and somehow I wonder if that didnt make it worse.
Now Im married but I fight a constant inner battle because my parents never showed me a healthy relationship.When I have begun to call them on it they blame each other.My husband is very affectionate,holding hands in public a kiss on the forehead,rub on the back.To me its very affectionate because I grew up without that.My parents weren't huggers or much to touch.I knew they loved me but we weren't close like that.We didn't have enduring names we called each other.So when I met my husband I was rather overwhelmed.He's always honey,babe,sweetie.And I dont do it back because I never saw that growing up.They didnt hold hands,or hug or have pet names.It feels weird for me to use pet names and I feel bad because my husband is so affectionate and Im still learning to be.
I wonder if there was a study of children who grew up with the disaster parents,if they can succeed at a healthy relationship even though that was not mentored in them.Can the master relationship be learned if its not in your nature? I hope so.Either way its a great article.Sorry for blathering on,hope I didnt derail the thread.
Now Im married but I fight a constant inner battle because my parents never showed me a healthy relationship.When I have begun to call them on it they blame each other.My husband is very affectionate,holding hands in public a kiss on the forehead,rub on the back.To me its very affectionate because I grew up without that.My parents weren't huggers or much to touch.I knew they loved me but we weren't close like that.We didn't have enduring names we called each other.So when I met my husband I was rather overwhelmed.He's always honey,babe,sweetie.And I dont do it back because I never saw that growing up.They didnt hold hands,or hug or have pet names.It feels weird for me to use pet names and I feel bad because my husband is so affectionate and Im still learning to be.
I wonder if there was a study of children who grew up with the disaster parents,if they can succeed at a healthy relationship even though that was not mentored in them.Can the master relationship be learned if its not in your nature? I hope so.Either way its a great article.Sorry for blathering on,hope I didnt derail the thread.
S
Thanks for your reply! I think having to learn a skill like what the article talks about is more powerful than just instinctively "knowing" how to apply it. Because it's the ultimate sacrifice to learn to do something for someone that you love when it doesn't come easy for you...it's authentic, it pleases and honors God and it shows you have character!
I hve been married for 25 years Jan 4 2015 and have made many mistakes. Since I am a believer one woul dthink I would say God in the center which is a good answer but there are many who are not believers that have good lasting marriages. I believe we have to allow the other person to be an idividual and not try to make them who we want them to be, be forgiving, kind, and affectionate with eachother. My wife and I love being around eachother and she always says she misses me when I am at work even if i am not in the same room she is in at home. Married people should have dates with eachother just like they did before marriage. I take my wife on a date one to twice a month (we try to do it once a week but can't always do that). The thing I say the most is keep other pwople out of your business that includes family, friends, and church. As we know these can rip a marriage apart, you are no longer two but one. If you let a third party in it should only be Jesus.
After almost 50 years of marriage, and not living with an abusive husband, this is what helped our marriage:
1. I dropped my expectations of what I wanted my husband to do/not do. I let go of wanting to control.
2. I chose to let mercy be the foundation of our relationship. To forgive readily and not keep a record of wrongs.
The best years came when we began praying together for each other.
1. I dropped my expectations of what I wanted my husband to do/not do. I let go of wanting to control.
2. I chose to let mercy be the foundation of our relationship. To forgive readily and not keep a record of wrongs.
The best years came when we began praying together for each other.
J
just like there is ONE LORD AND SAVIOR, not many. ONE LORD. His Name is Jesus.
if both the husband and the wife serve the ONE LORD JESUS, the marriage is forever.
if either the husband or the wife only says with their lips Jesus is Lord, then the marriage might or might not last....
Scripture says the unbeliever is free to go if they want to, don't even try to stop them....
the believer immersed in Jesus still trusts and lives for the Lord Jesus, and accepts the hardships that go along with living His Life.
it's all a matter of Lordship. is Jesus Lord, or not................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
if both the husband and the wife serve the ONE LORD JESUS, the marriage is forever.
if either the husband or the wife only says with their lips Jesus is Lord, then the marriage might or might not last....
Scripture says the unbeliever is free to go if they want to, don't even try to stop them....
the believer immersed in Jesus still trusts and lives for the Lord Jesus, and accepts the hardships that go along with living His Life.
it's all a matter of Lordship. is Jesus Lord, or not................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
K
I can't watch the video right now, but...
Reasons why they fail...
arguments about money
cheating
giving up if feelings change
abuse (including verbal)
Not taking it as seriously as God does
lack of communication
Reasons why they succeed...
handling money is discussed before marriage (along with other things)
faithfulness
the only reason for divorce is one has sex with a third party
abuse of any kind does not take place
both love God and take Him seriously
Communication
Reasons why they fail...
arguments about money
cheating
giving up if feelings change
abuse (including verbal)
Not taking it as seriously as God does
lack of communication
Reasons why they succeed...
handling money is discussed before marriage (along with other things)
faithfulness
the only reason for divorce is one has sex with a third party
abuse of any kind does not take place
both love God and take Him seriously
Communication
J
I am blessed to read from a man speaking positively about his marriage and how you both work on keeping a good marriage. I am very happy for you and your wife.
I really agree with what you said about allowing the other person to be an individual. I learned that expecting more from a person than what they can give... can cause them to become insecure and angry. Then each is upset because the other is not the way that they want them to be.
I really agree with what you said about allowing the other person to be an individual. I learned that expecting more from a person than what they can give... can cause them to become insecure and angry. Then each is upset because the other is not the way that they want them to be.
N
This was a very long, but interesting article. Hub tells me often that I show him the most love when I am angry with him, because even in my anger, I still care for him. To him, not ignoring or leaving him just because I am angry, is a way I show him love. To me, his loving me enough to get angry with me is enough. It sounds silly, I know, and this is only one example of ways we show each other love.
What I have noticed in many couples is that each one is as unique as the individuals in the relationship. What I see as love and what others see as "showing one love" are often two completely different things. Each couple has to communicate, be vulnerable with each other and be intimately aware of each others' needs to succeed. Kindness and generosity are great ways to learn these needs about the other.
Great post! Peace!!
What I have noticed in many couples is that each one is as unique as the individuals in the relationship. What I see as love and what others see as "showing one love" are often two completely different things. Each couple has to communicate, be vulnerable with each other and be intimately aware of each others' needs to succeed. Kindness and generosity are great ways to learn these needs about the other.
Great post! Peace!!
M
As a person going through a divorce, i have had allot of time to analyze and seek out information, and as complicated as all these things are, it always boils down to 2 fundamental things.....
1) don't ignore problems, identify them, and sometimes you cannot solve every problem on your own, if need be, ask for help!
2) Be honest to yourself and others. Without honesty, no matter what you try to do, it won't work.
1) don't ignore problems, identify them, and sometimes you cannot solve every problem on your own, if need be, ask for help!
2) Be honest to yourself and others. Without honesty, no matter what you try to do, it won't work.
A
I'm married to a divorcee. The problem also comes when only one side masters, while the other side disasters.
And, unfortunately, scientists don't often go for the third person in a marriage -- God. If you don't trust God, by default, you're a disaster. I mean if you can't even trust the Perfect One, is there any hope in trusting a flawed person?
And, unfortunately, scientists don't often go for the third person in a marriage -- God. If you don't trust God, by default, you're a disaster. I mean if you can't even trust the Perfect One, is there any hope in trusting a flawed person?
A
Yes, it's possible. You forget -- God's in the miracle business. He's also a healer.
And you've felt that calm, loving, trusting feeling when you've been with God. Let it affect you.
Truthfully, my parents never fought, as in I never saw or heard it. They also avoided each other. The first time I ever heard that they did fight was after Mom told us she was taking us with her when she was leaving Dad in a couple of days. Naturally, my brother and I talked after that monologue, and he said he and my oldest brother heard them fighting every night between midnight and 4 AM. Quite the shocker. I was at the other end of the hall, and slept soundly.
My husband's childhood was full of all three kinds of abuse. His mother went crazy, and his father... Well, its hard to figure out which parent was worse.
BUT, after hubby went through the divorce from his first marriage, the pastor in his church (and then mine) talked him in to moving (after his roommate got married, and his roommate owned the house), into a home with the two most loving Christians we've ever known. When we knew them, they were married for something like 30-40 years and had never, ever fought.
Between me not knowing the first thing on how to fight in a marriage, and him recognizing he's really like that, (he merely married a woman who wouldn't have that because she was bipolar and abused as a child too), it wasn't hard to follow how that couple operated with each other.
We're not as good at it as they are. I've kept score. We've had five fights in the 35 years we've known each other. (One when we were first dating, but it was more of a lesson I needed to learn about him, so I apologized often, until he forgave me. I had to learn not to tease unmercifully when playing a game, which just happened to be the way I was raised too.)
It sounds like you already trust your hubby. Feel free to let go and enjoy that. People can't fake what they aren't long enough to get married.
And, yes, I know that's easier to say than to do. I'm still showing hubby I will never cheat on him or leave him simply by not cheating on him or leaving him for 35 years. He's closer to believing that fully more now than ten years ago, 20 years ago, and even 30 years ago. He may never fully believe it, but I'll keep showing him that. It doesn't bother me that he has problems with that one. I didn't cause that problem. Ex-wife did.
So, see? God's in the miracles and healing business. That's one up on scientific research.
And you've felt that calm, loving, trusting feeling when you've been with God. Let it affect you.
Truthfully, my parents never fought, as in I never saw or heard it. They also avoided each other. The first time I ever heard that they did fight was after Mom told us she was taking us with her when she was leaving Dad in a couple of days. Naturally, my brother and I talked after that monologue, and he said he and my oldest brother heard them fighting every night between midnight and 4 AM. Quite the shocker. I was at the other end of the hall, and slept soundly.
My husband's childhood was full of all three kinds of abuse. His mother went crazy, and his father... Well, its hard to figure out which parent was worse.
BUT, after hubby went through the divorce from his first marriage, the pastor in his church (and then mine) talked him in to moving (after his roommate got married, and his roommate owned the house), into a home with the two most loving Christians we've ever known. When we knew them, they were married for something like 30-40 years and had never, ever fought.
Between me not knowing the first thing on how to fight in a marriage, and him recognizing he's really like that, (he merely married a woman who wouldn't have that because she was bipolar and abused as a child too), it wasn't hard to follow how that couple operated with each other.
We're not as good at it as they are. I've kept score. We've had five fights in the 35 years we've known each other. (One when we were first dating, but it was more of a lesson I needed to learn about him, so I apologized often, until he forgave me. I had to learn not to tease unmercifully when playing a game, which just happened to be the way I was raised too.)
It sounds like you already trust your hubby. Feel free to let go and enjoy that. People can't fake what they aren't long enough to get married.
And, yes, I know that's easier to say than to do. I'm still showing hubby I will never cheat on him or leave him simply by not cheating on him or leaving him for 35 years. He's closer to believing that fully more now than ten years ago, 20 years ago, and even 30 years ago. He may never fully believe it, but I'll keep showing him that. It doesn't bother me that he has problems with that one. I didn't cause that problem. Ex-wife did.
So, see? God's in the miracles and healing business. That's one up on scientific research.