My Stepson Bullies my 2 Boys

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only4Hymn

Guest
#21
Also Human I NEVER. EVER said OR insinuated that he was a psychopath but maybe a couple of others did. That was never in my radar nor the diagnosis I gave him. However, I feel like God can solve any problem and deliver anyone from anything so even if this were the case it's no big deal... Just something God will have to free him from. I just came on here to see what my brothers and sisters in Christ could say to encourage me and I am so thankful to all the ones who did. But I definitely don't want to be accused nor should I be. But God bless you!
 
Oct 30, 2014
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#22
I'm sorry Human but after trying to read your first post, I couldn't continue because your accusations of me treating him like an outsider are way out of like. He was actually my First Child and I even asked him to call me mom. He was never made to feel like an outsider and only after his mom got into his head did this division take place. However I have done nothing but take care of and treat him as my own since he was a baby. I can definitely put myself in his shoes. I was molested by a female cousin and my father was inappropriate with me one time when he had a few too many to drink. It scarred me and made me become very shy and quiet. Also my dad left my mom when I was about 10 years old never to return until I was grown and moved out. So I always felt like I needed acceptance from a man all my life. So I totally sympathize with that .... BUT that does NOT excuse the fact that he is a danger to my other kids. Guess what? I have other family members that even if I desperately needed a babysitter, I wouldn't even let them "watch" my kids on TV. It hurts their feelings and they thing I am overprotective but so what. I have to answer to God for how well I was a steward of his children. Not to mention that my stepson is accountable for his actions now and it is up to him to make the right decisions. You can't blame parents for everything. My parents weren't perfect but I realize that just because they failed in some areas doesn't give me the right to not do better. So in this situation I know that he needs counseling and so does my husband because he is really the leader and I will support him. Tonight in Bible Study our teacher was talking about forgiveness and I decided to forgive him right then and there and I felt at peace about that and on the same token I feel like I am doing what's right in protecting the others. I remember having a talk with my stepson and telling him if a bigger kid came over and was beating him up that I would do everything to protect him and he said he knows that. I told him I love him and wouldn't want him to be mistreated and neither do I want him to do that to his younger siblings. So I don't see where you're getting this view from. But I have to say it is way out of line.
To read that you consider him a danger, that he is separate, and stays with his mom, that your husband spends more time at your family than with him, tells me that the young boy (and remember he is just a 13 year old boy) is the outsider.

I never said you intended for it to be that way, but I am certain that's how he will feel. There's a difference there.

A professional counsellor, for the three of you, is the best course of action.
 
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only4Hymn

Guest
#23
There's a difference between "considering" someone a threat and them actually being a threat. A person saying they want to kill you and a person actually holding a gun and saying they want to kill you are two different extremes. I am not just "considering" him a threat to his siblings, but have SEEN him video himself beating them up. Maybe you missed that part. But he takes KARATE and they don't know any. They are half his height. Wow. Am I missing something here? He has assaulted them on numerous occasions but I only shared a couple on here. So yes I totally I KNOW he is a threat and I would never leave them with him unattended. That's just me being responsible and a good a steward. Yes he is 13 but 13 year olds can go to jail so he needs to make better decisions or he will pay the consequences unfortunately. And I am hoping and praying for him to make a turnaround. He bullies the other siblings at home too and he has hit his own mother so it's not an isolated thing to just our house and it is not anything we are doing to make him act out.
 
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only4Hymn

Guest
#24
I'm sorry but I don't think you get it. We have been out to a nice day having family time at chick fil a and I will let them go in the play room. I went in to check on them and see him dragging his brother by the feet down the slide with him screaming and in pain. We don't treat him like an outsider but now I have to keep separate because he has harmed the smaller kids. If I knew someone would have a desire to harm him then I would protect him as well. Counseling is definitely in order so that wasn't up for debate but I was just wanting to see how my fellow Christians felt was the best way to show him love but also show my other kids love by doing my patently duties of protecting them.
 

Angela53510

Senior Member
Jan 24, 2011
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#25
Human is not a Christian, sister! He is an atheist, who thinks he can convert everyone to his humanism, including trying to convince you that evil is really good.

Please protect your children. This step son sounds psychopathic, and at 13, I don't see how you are going to change that by anything you or your husband do. I do hope the counseling works, but if you don't act to protect your children, they could also badly derail.
 
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only4Hymn

Guest
#26
Wow thanks Angela. The crazy part is when I was last replying to Human, I was about to say I believe he is the voice of satan coming to accuse me. So I thank God my discernment was correct but I didn't want to offend someone who could possibly mean well. But I will make sure to never second guess the leading of The Holy Spirit. He is always right. And thanks be to God who sends confirmation.
 
Aug 13, 2013
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#27
Bullying can get worse, stepson or not. I pray that you can find a solution with God's help amen.
 
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only4Hymn

Guest
#28
Thanks @ A Friend in Christ. That's my prayer as well.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
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#29
But yet the fact remains that he IS both a physical and possibly a sexual threat to your kids. He needs therapy and counseling for his behavior. Don't expect him to stop just because you talked to him. Bullies and molestors never stop, they just escalate their behavior..
 
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only4Hymn

Guest
#30
blue_ladybug I do understand that and that's why it's so hard because even after I have has these heart to heart talks with him and he admits he is wrong, he still does the same things again. So I know that if after all these years he hasn't made a permanent change then we have to take other steps.
 
Oct 30, 2014
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#31
"There is general agreement among researchers that children,adolescents, and adults from divorced and remarriedfamilies, in comparison with those from two-parent,nondivorced families, are at increased risk for developingproblems in adjustment (for meta-analyses, see Amato &Keith, 1991a, 1991b) and that those who have undergonemultiple divorces are at a greater risk (Capaldi & Patterson,1991; Kurdek, Fine, & Sinclair, 1995). For themost part, the adjustment of children from divorced andremarried families is similar (Amato & Keith, 1991a;Cherlin & Furstenberg, 1994).

Children from divorcedand remarried families are more likely than children fromnondivorced families to have academic problems, to exhibitexternalizing behaviors and internalizing disorders,to be less socially responsible and competent, and to havelower self-esteem (Amato & Keith, 1991a; Cherlin &Furstenberg, 1994; Hetherington, 1989). They have problemsin their relationships with parents, siblings, andpeers (Amato & Keith, 1991b; Hetherington, 1997).

Normative developmental tasks of adolescence andyoung adulthood, such as attaining intimate relationshipsand increasing social and economic autonomy, seem tobe especially difficult for youths from divorced and remarriedfamilies. Adolescents from divorced and remarriedfamilies exhibit some of the same behavior problemsfound in childhood and, in addition, are more likely todrop out of school, to be unemployed, to become sexuallyactive at an earlier age, to have children out of wedlock,to be involved in delinquent activities and substanceabuse, and to associate with antisocial peers (Amato &Keith, 1991a; Conger & Chao, 1996; Demo & Acock,1996; Elder & Russell, 1996; Hetherington & Clingempeel,1992; McLanahan & Sandefur, 1994; Simons &Chao, 1996; Whitbeck, Simons, & Goldberg, 1996).

Increasedrates of dropping out of high school and of lowsocioeconomic attainment in the offspring of divorcedand remarried families extend across diverse ethnicgroups (Amato & Keith, 1991b); however, the effect isstronger for females than for males (Hetherington, inpress).Adult offspring from divorced and remarried familiescontinue to have more adjustment problems (ChaseLansdale,Cherlin, & Kiernan, 1995; Hetherington, inpress), are less satisfied with their lives, experience lowersocioeconomic attainment, and are more likely to be onwelfare (Amato & Keith, 1991b).

Marital instability alsois higher for adults from divorced and remarried families(Amato & Keith, 1991b; Glenn & Kramer, 1985; Hetherington,in press; McLanahan & Bumpass, 1988; Tzeng &Mare, 1995), in part because of the presence of a set ofrisk factors for divorce, including early sexual activity,adolescent childbearing and marriage, and cohabitation(Booth & Edwards, 1990; Hetherington, 1997). In addition,in comparison with young adults from nondivorcedfamilies, young adults from divorced and remarried familiesexhibit more reciprocated, escalating, negative exchanges,including denial, belligerence, criticism, andcontempt, and less effective problem solving during theirmarital interactions (Hetherington, in press). This patternis probably related to the intergenerational transmissionof divorce, which is reported to be 70% higher in thefirst five years of marriage for adult women from divorcedfamilies than for those whose parents have remained married(Bumpass, Martin, & Sweet, 1991).

Although there is considerable consensus that, onaverage, offspring from divorced and remarried familiesexhibit more problems in adjustment than do those innondivorced, two-parent families, there is less agreementon the size of these effects. Some researchers report thatthese effects are relatively modest, have become smalleras marital transitions have become more common(Amato & Keith, 1991a), and are considerably reducedwhen the adjustment of children preceding the maritaltransition is controlled (Block, Block, & Gjerde, 1986,1988; Cherlin et al., 1991). However, others note that approximately 20%-25% of children in divorced andremarried families, in contrast to 10% of children innondivorced families, have these problems, which is anotable twofold increase (Hetherington, 1989, 1991b;Hetherington & Clingempeel, 1992; Hetherington & Jodl,1994; McLanahan & Sandefur, 1994; Simons & Associates,1996; Zill, Morrison, & Coiro, 1993). Because thesedifficulties in adjustment tend to co-occur and appear asa single behavior-problem cluster (Jessor & Jessor, 1977;Mekos, Hetherington, & Reiss, 1996), the vast majorityof children from divorced families and stepfamilies donot have these problems and eventually develop into reasonablycompetent individuals functioning within thenormal range of adjustment (Emery & Forehand, 1994).This argument is not intended to minimize the importanceof the increase in adjustment problems associated withdivorce and remarriage nor to belittle the fact that childrenoften report their parents' marital transitions to betheir most painful life experience. It is intended to underscorethe research evidence supporting the ability of mostchildren to cope with their parents' divorce and remarriageand to counter the position that children are permanentlyblighted by their parents' marital transitions.

We turn now to an examination of some of the individual,social, economic, and family factors that contributeto the diversity in children's adjustment in divorcedand remarried families. Each factor is discussed as itrelates to the five perspectives on marital transitions.

Children's Adjustment Preceding Divorce andRemarriage

Children whose parents later divorce exhibit poorer adjustmentbefore the breakup (Amato & Booth, 1996;Amato & Keith, 1991a; Block et al., 1986; Cherlin et al.,1991). When antecedent levels of problem behaviors arecontrolled, differences in problem behaviors betweenchildren from divorced and nondivorced families aregreatly reduced (Cherlin et al., 1991; Guidubaldi,Perry, & Nastasi, 1987).

Several alternative interpretationsof these findings can be made.

First, it is likely thatmaladapted parents, dysfunctional family relationships,and inept parenting already have taken their toll on children's adjustment before a divorce occurs. Second, divorcemay be, in part, a result of having to deal with adifficult child. Third, personality problems in a parent,such as emotionality and lack of self-regulation, that leadto both divorce and inept socialization practices also maybe genetically linked to behavior problems in children(Jockin, McGue, & Lykken, 1996; McGue & Lykken,1992).

Children in stepfamilies also exhibit more behaviorproblems before remarriage occurs, and some researchershave speculated that the adaptive difficulties of stepchildrenmay be largely the result of experiences in divorcedfamilies (Furstenberg, 1988). This seems unlikely,because there is an increase in adjustment problems immediatelyafter a marital transition, and because childrenin newly remarried families show more problems thanthose in stabilized, divorced, one-parent households(Hetherington & Clingempeel, 1992) or than those inlonger remarried, stabilized stepfamilies (Hetherington &Jodl, 1994).

Personality and Temperament

Children who have easy temperaments; who are intelligent,socially mature, and responsible; and who exhibitfew behavior problems are better able to cope with theirparents' marital transitions. Stresses associated with divorceand remarriage are likely to exacerbate existingproblems in children (Block et al., 1986; Elder, Caspi, &Van Nguyen, 1992; Hetherington, 1989, 1991b). In particular,children with difficult temperaments or behaviorproblems may elicit negative responses from their parentswho are stressed in coping with their marital transitions.These children also may be less able to adapt to parentalnegativity when it occurs and may be less adept at gainingthe support of people around them (Hetherington, 1989,199 lb; Rutter, 1987).

Competent, adaptable children withsocial skills and attractive personal characteristics, suchas an easy temperament and a sense of humor, are morelikely to evoke positive responses and support and tomaximize the use of available resources that help themnegotiate stressful experiences (Hetherington, 1989; Werner,1988).

What matters? What does not? Five perspectives on the association between marital transitions and children's adjustment. - ResearchGate


In summation, it seems that it is much more difficult for step-children to learn and retain proper social skills than non step-children, for a variety of social and psychological reasons related to the dynamics of step-families, the trauma of divorce and the developmental restraints placed on the child in such circumstances.
 
Oct 30, 2014
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#32
As you can see, your stepson's behavior, in his circumstances, is not out of the ordinary. This is just what sometimes happens to children in step families and integrated families. You may not have directly intended to cause him to feel alone, or neglected, or to be emotionally underdeveloped, or to have behaviour problems, but these problems are more frequent and more likely to happen to stepchildren than non-stepchildren, simply because of the dynamic of stepfamily situations.

It can be helped with counselling or psychotherapy for you and for him and for your husband.
 
Feb 19, 2015
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#33
I'm sorry Human but after trying to read your first post, I couldn't continue because your accusations of me treating him like an outsider are way out of like. He was actually my First Child and I even asked him to call me mom. He was never made to feel like an outsider and only after his mom got into his head did this division take place. However I have done nothing but take care of and treat him as my own since he was a baby. I can definitely put myself in his shoes. I was molested by a female cousin and my father was inappropriate with me one time when he had a few too many to drink. It scarred me and made me become very shy and quiet. Also my dad left my mom when I was about 10 years old never to return until I was grown and moved out. So I always felt like I needed acceptance from a man all my life. So I totally sympathize with that .... BUT that does NOT excuse the fact that he is a danger to my other kids. Guess what? I have other family members that even if I desperately needed a babysitter, I wouldn't even let them "watch" my kids on TV. It hurts their feelings and they thing I am overprotective but so what. I have to answer to God for how well I was a steward of his children. Not to mention that my stepson is accountable for his actions now and it is up to him to make the right decisions. You can't blame parents for everything. My parents weren't perfect but I realize that just because they failed in some areas doesn't give me the right to not do better. So in this situation I know that he needs counseling and so does my husband because he is really the leader and I will support him. Tonight in Bible Study our teacher was talking about forgiveness and I decided to forgive him right then and there and I felt at peace about that and on the same token I feel like I am doing what's right in protecting the others. I remember having a talk with my stepson and telling him if a bigger kid came over and was beating him up that I would do everything to protect him and he said he knows that. I told him I love him and wouldn't want him to be mistreated and neither do I want him to do that to his younger siblings. So I don't see where you're getting this view from. But I have to say it is way out of line.
You better leave and get legal protections while you can. You have to protect your own children. That stepson is not being dealt with by his father. Untill the father learns a big lesson and makes some real changes no matter how hard it may seem for him, you need to be away from him with your boys for yours and your own boys safety.
 
S

Sirk

Guest
#34
Sirk there is definitely some guilt in there. I have heard him sympathize with his situation plenty of times. He calls at odd ours and says he hasn't eaten all day and my husband orders enough food to feed the whole house for him. When we call and ask his mom if they truly have no food she says that's not true and they eat daily. He only calls for money. I even had a heart to heart and asked him if he could call more often and just ask dad how he is doing and just have a conversation rather than calling for money constantly. He said yes but it has only gotten worse. I even felt bad at one time and thought maybe the home life was the problem and the first time I saw him beating up his brother I had a talk with him and thought we were on the right page but when I asked if he is also mean to his two sisters at home he admitted that he indeed bullies them as well. So I told him to be nice to them as well as the ones at my house. When his mom decided to homeschool like we do that was when he seemed to have the best behavior. It lasted a year and then he went back to public school. He did get bullied a lot there for his teeth and then we paid for braces to get them fixed and he started taking karate and has been practicing his moves here on my boys ever since. It's just a lot of factors in this situation.
This is an honest question. Does anyone spend time with him, enter his world and empower him in some way? This kid looks to me as one who feels powerless and is taking it in his own way. I'm not saying it's right or anything. Everyone is right who says you need to protect your other children but this boy needs love. It sounds like his dad is passive and that is in its own way damaging to the kid. He needs leadership and for someone to show him the way....not just tell him the way. On top of this he is in the throws of puberty. He's got some serious chemical stuff going on as well in his young body.
 
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NewWine

Guest
#35
I am curious, and only curious.....when he does stay with you, what sorts of things does his dad do with him? Do they do things together alone and as a family, or is it all family things? If the dad never does anything just with this one son, the perhaps the son is jealous that your other children have his attention, even when he visits?
That by no means makes his actions right, but it would explain it some? If this is the case, then along with therapy (which I am normally NOT a fan of doing, but in this case, I think the boy needs some sort of outside influence or safe place to express his feelings) I would suggest father/son activities that only includes this son. Perhaps this is what the boy needs to feel wanted. It may not be you he's lashing out against, nor your other children, it may be his dad. I've seen odder ways kids lash-out.
 
Feb 24, 2015
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#36
only4Hymn After reading what you have been advised it reminds me of problems with bullies with our kids. The first thing you have to establish is who you can trust, who matches their behaviour with their words. It sounds like your kids love you and are 100% consistent. Unfortunately your step son, his mother, and your husband are not.
Your step son will be playing the adults off against each other simply because he is not in a good place and he can.
The only way to deal with bullying behaviour is consistent punishment for bad behaviour, and measuring whether things improve. If things continue with abuse, and videoing a beating is serious abuse, then withdrawal of access is your only option. You cannot sacrifice your innocent children on the altar of an abusive disfunctional teenager.
Whether your husband sticks with you and the kids is his choice, but this is a power war, where lines have to be drawn. Once in place, and the young man realises the game is up, his behaviour will either improve, if driven by frustration and lashing out, or you have to withdraw.
Does that help?
 
Oct 30, 2014
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#37
only4Hymn After reading what you have been advised it reminds me of problems with bullies with our kids. The first thing you have to establish is who you can trust, who matches their behaviour with their words. It sounds like your kids love you and are 100% consistent. Unfortunately your step son, his mother, and your husband are not.
Your step son will be playing the adults off against each other simply because he is not in a good place and he can.
The only way to deal with bullying behaviour is consistent punishment for bad behaviour, and measuring whether things improve. If things continue with abuse, and videoing a beating is serious abuse, then withdrawal of access is your only option. You cannot sacrifice your innocent children on the altar of an abusive disfunctional teenager.
Whether your husband sticks with you and the kids is his choice, but this is a power war, where lines have to be drawn. Once in place, and the young man realises the game is up, his behaviour will either improve, if driven by frustration and lashing out, or you have to withdraw.
Does that help?
Why is is that proponents of the teaching ''love one another'' refer to every form of disagreement as a ''war'' that must be ''fought'', and talk about ''punishment'' when they are taught about patience and kindness, forebearance and forgiveness?

This baffles me to no end. Not once did I ever read Jesus Christ say ''Lord over children'', in fact he said ''The Kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these''.

I think, honestly, that the young man never asked for his parents to be split up, and he never asked to be separated from his father, he never asked to be with a mother who encourages him into rotten behaviour, he never asked to be taught conflicting lessons by his mother and father, he never asked to be a part-time part of his father's life rather than a full-time part.

Honestly, much of this thread seems to be geared towards blaming the child. People are saying he's a psychopath, and I have shown from scholarly studies that in fact his behaviour is very common in stepchildren. People seem to be talking about pinning the blame on him and ignoring all the facets of his life -- his social education, his parental situation, his conflicting messages from authority -- that led to his frustrations and his anger.

What is the point of meeting that anger with more punishments and total exclusions and aggressive ''war-like'' attitudes that simply add to the pile of conflict the young man already is involved in?

Why not actually listen to your authority, Jesus of Nazareth, and understand that gentleness and compassion for the young man, among counselling and mutual understanding of the responsibility that you as parents have for contributing to this child's beaviours, will serve all of you better going forward.

It's very easy to pin it all on him, but actually, he asked for none of it. His behaviors are essentially a choice to the outside observer, but they are also natural responses to emotional traumas that he never asked to be inflicted upon him.
 
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Sirk

Guest
#38
Why is is that proponents of the teaching ''love one another'' refer to every form of disagreement as a ''war'' that must be ''fought'', and talk about ''punishment'' when they are taught about patience and kindness, forebearance and forgiveness?

This baffles me to no end. Not once did I ever read Jesus Christ say ''Lord over children'', in fact he said ''The Kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these''.

I think, honestly, that the young man never asked for his parents to be split up, and he never asked to be separated from his father, he never asked to be with a mother who encourages him into rotten behaviour, he never asked to be taught conflicting lessons by his mother and father, he never asked to be a part-time part of his father's life rather than a full-time part.

Honestly, much of this thread seems to be geared towards blaming the child. People are saying he's a psychopath, and I have shown from scholarly studies that in fact his behaviour is very common in stepchildren. People seem to be talking about pinning the blame on him and ignoring all the facets of his life -- his social education, his parental situation, his conflicting messages from authority -- that led to his frustrations and his anger.

What is the point of meeting that anger with more punishments and total exclusions and aggressive ''war-like'' attitudes that simply add to the pile of conflict the young man already is involved in?

Why not actually listen to your authority, Jesus of Nazareth, and understand that gentleness and compassion for the young man, among counselling and mutual understanding of the responsibility that you as parents have for contributing to this child's beaviours, will serve all of you better going forward.

It's very easy to pin it all on him, but actually, he asked for none of it. His behaviors are essentially a choice to the outside observer, but they are also natural responses to emotional traumas that he never asked to be inflicted upon him.
Hurting people hurt people....this kid is hurting, doesn't know why, no one is helping him to learn why and he feels powerless.
 
Oct 30, 2014
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#39
Hurting people hurt people....this kid is hurting, doesn't know why, no one is helping him to learn why and he feels powerless.
Exactly. This thread seems to be more about the OP getting sympathy and validation than about helping the child overcome whatever's going on in his life.
 
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only4Hymn

Guest
#40
Human... please go away... clearly, I am not trying to get sympathy...i wanted opinions of people who i know would have my similar values and foundation...and I REALLY appreciate your insight @ Sirk and also @New Wine and @PeterJens... You ALL were right on the money. I have told my husband this but he didn't see it this way... I said, hey... I think at this age and this time in his life it is more important for YOU to spend time with him.. there is a HUGE age gap between his son's age and our oldest's child's age and so there is not much they have in common up until now... the last family outing we had with him was a professional Baseball game... he tried to make his little brothers fall the entire time and scowled and bucked at them when he thought I wasn't looking... called them ugly and all sorts of sneaky things.... it ended up being very unpleasant and NOT fun. So why should we all struggle trying to look like we are having a good time when we indeed are not... I expressed that he doesnt have to hang out with his brothers and sister if he hates to be around them so bad...he needs you right now because he is very much so in the throws of puberty, as one of you put it... This is a VERY critical time for a young man and he needs to be steered the right way and playing cars with his kid brother is not what's needed. So, my husband has started spending Sunday afternoons with him for the most part and if he is near his side of town, he will stop there through the week...but he is a VERY busy person and a hard worker, so just because he lives with us doesnt mean they are out throwing the ball around outside with ol' Dad all day...which is fine... he plans things with us as best as he can without compromising his duties to work and provide. But this post was never for people to pity me..i was more concerned with my kids' safety and how do i show love to a person is really unlovable most times...it's hard..and I'm not perfect..so I will have to love him through God's love and not in my own strength..because that would be almost impossible.