Well, it was cute in the Adam Sandler-Drew Barrymore movie but...
My wife has always had memory issues. We can spend an entire day discussing an issue, and come to a mutual conclusion on that subject. But the next morning she will roll out of bed with absolutely no recollection of the discussion or its conclusion (leading her to no longer support the conclusion). On other occasions, I’ve seen her walk into a room, make a statement, and not 3 minutes later ask a question for which her statement was the answer, and have absolutely no remembrance of having made any statement mere minutes earlier. She also flip flops like a Republican candidate after a midterm primary. There is absolutely no consistency in her direction on any matter.
So last year I took her to a Psychiatrist for cognitive testing. 17 tests given over two 6 hour days later, the results were disturbing. Her highest score (in math) was 35%. The average of all her scores was only 18%. Her IQ tested out at 86 – keeping in mind that at 85 they start to label you as retarded. The woman is (and please forgive me for the use of this term, I know it sounds unloving but I find no other way to accurately describe the situation) a certified village idiot.
This has made our relationship extremely problematic. For one, I spend a huge amount of every single day at my desk and on the phone. I have to take care of my stuff, our stuff, her stuff, and the most energy and time consuming of all, the stuff she thought she would take care of but only made worse. Secondly, our relationship has absolutely no hope of ever growing or advancing, since every day is an exercise is rehashing what we went over the day before – and the day before that, and the day before that, and… There’s no way to make forward progress when all our efforts go to revisiting the past. Too, she blows like a flag in the wind. We make a decision to pursue an action, but the next day she turns a total 180 and wants something different. There is absolutely no consistency in her wants and directions.
It brings me to the place where, if we are to make any progress at all, I have to leave her out of the decision making process and unilaterally make dictatorial decisions for the both of us. I’m sure you can see the problems that causes.
I have reason to believe that God has charged me with being a “caregiver to a caregiver”, a position I’m not entirely against given that she takes care of her invalid mother and sister. But the position I find myself in goes far beyond that – I find my position to be that of personal maid-servant to the village idiot. And honestly I just don’t have it in me to do that on a full time basis. I’m stressed and depleted and running on empty from the effort.
The Dr. said that her scores should come up with some kind of study/schooling program, but admittedly they will not rise by much. And I had her on the Lumosity thing for a while (the scores arising out of that effort were eerily close to those generated by the cognitive testing) but she abandoned that after it produced no real progress in her condition.
What do I do? Where do we go? I love her for her heart of gold, but detest the fact that her brains are pure mush and that it falls on me to carry her piggy-back each and every single day. There’s a reason I chose not to have children, yet I find that I am saddled with the biggest child possible. It’s a load that is breaking me, and yet one I cannot find a way out from under. Is there any hope?
My wife has always had memory issues. We can spend an entire day discussing an issue, and come to a mutual conclusion on that subject. But the next morning she will roll out of bed with absolutely no recollection of the discussion or its conclusion (leading her to no longer support the conclusion). On other occasions, I’ve seen her walk into a room, make a statement, and not 3 minutes later ask a question for which her statement was the answer, and have absolutely no remembrance of having made any statement mere minutes earlier. She also flip flops like a Republican candidate after a midterm primary. There is absolutely no consistency in her direction on any matter.
So last year I took her to a Psychiatrist for cognitive testing. 17 tests given over two 6 hour days later, the results were disturbing. Her highest score (in math) was 35%. The average of all her scores was only 18%. Her IQ tested out at 86 – keeping in mind that at 85 they start to label you as retarded. The woman is (and please forgive me for the use of this term, I know it sounds unloving but I find no other way to accurately describe the situation) a certified village idiot.
This has made our relationship extremely problematic. For one, I spend a huge amount of every single day at my desk and on the phone. I have to take care of my stuff, our stuff, her stuff, and the most energy and time consuming of all, the stuff she thought she would take care of but only made worse. Secondly, our relationship has absolutely no hope of ever growing or advancing, since every day is an exercise is rehashing what we went over the day before – and the day before that, and the day before that, and… There’s no way to make forward progress when all our efforts go to revisiting the past. Too, she blows like a flag in the wind. We make a decision to pursue an action, but the next day she turns a total 180 and wants something different. There is absolutely no consistency in her wants and directions.
It brings me to the place where, if we are to make any progress at all, I have to leave her out of the decision making process and unilaterally make dictatorial decisions for the both of us. I’m sure you can see the problems that causes.
I have reason to believe that God has charged me with being a “caregiver to a caregiver”, a position I’m not entirely against given that she takes care of her invalid mother and sister. But the position I find myself in goes far beyond that – I find my position to be that of personal maid-servant to the village idiot. And honestly I just don’t have it in me to do that on a full time basis. I’m stressed and depleted and running on empty from the effort.
The Dr. said that her scores should come up with some kind of study/schooling program, but admittedly they will not rise by much. And I had her on the Lumosity thing for a while (the scores arising out of that effort were eerily close to those generated by the cognitive testing) but she abandoned that after it produced no real progress in her condition.
What do I do? Where do we go? I love her for her heart of gold, but detest the fact that her brains are pure mush and that it falls on me to carry her piggy-back each and every single day. There’s a reason I chose not to have children, yet I find that I am saddled with the biggest child possible. It’s a load that is breaking me, and yet one I cannot find a way out from under. Is there any hope?
. I'm just not comfortable with doing things without her input... while the reality is I'm going to have to if we're ever going to get anywhere in life.
