8 year old daughter

[MyLighthouse]

Ideas

1) She knows the rules and if she don't lay them down to her, "you will not throw tantrum are this, this, or this will happen, do you understand?" Then have her repeat the rule.
2) When she starts one, remind her of the rules, eye to eye, and with a soft calm voice.
3) Then there is correct the child "spanking" You are whip a child until they cry (are humbled and not prideful or defiant anymore), not screaming, sobbing(shows they recognize the wrong).
4) Provide a way to right the wrong (confession sort of) for her, like "I threw an unnecessary tantrum and was disobedient to you."
5) Last but not least express your love and concern to her, without making it seem that you were sorry for the discipline, like "I love you and want the best for you. Behaving this way will only hurt you."


Also,
Since materialism seems to be the problem, you should try activities that do the opposite. Take her to places like orphanages or children's hospital or homeless. Volunteer and afterward have her think of a child she met or served for. Tell her you guys are going to the story and will buy something for that child or family. When she sees the joy she can bring to others by giving instead of receiving it might soften her heart with the situation.

I am not a parent, but have taking many child development classes as well as babysat child that we considered rude, bad, and know to misbehave. it does take time, but consistency. The methods worked for me without spanking, so with it I'm sure you'll have your daughter behaving in the right manner much sooner. Don't give up, you are a great parent, and it shows from you asking how you can help your daughter. Pray for the best!

 

[MarcR]

Tell your 8 year old that tantrums don't work! (anymore) Tell her her ' You can stop now or you can have one of your favorite things given to a needy family'. Be prepared to follow through.

 

[jjtj22]

I have an eight year old son and a five year old daughter, my husband works quite a bit also.

The best piece of advice I have: get on the same page with your husband. Even when you disagree with his punishments or what he is saying, be a unified team. Children need to know there are no cracks in the foundation of their family. They will constantly test and look for weakness in that foundation and when they find any they will use it but in the process it will make them very unhappy.

When I quit treating our children like they were mine solely to love, discipline and teach, (because my husband didn't help and just yelled when he did do something) an amazing thing happened. I quit being so stressed out, my husband's discipline measures were not just frustration but thoughtful and the children were much, much happier and better behaved.

I still get the stressed out mom syndrome but being unified with my husband works like nothing else for us. I still have to remind myself - they are just as much his as they are mine, probably more so his - because of the unique and stressful role God has given him as head of the house.

Father,
Bless this family, unify them tightly within the bonds of family. I ask for Fenner's understanding into her husband and daughter, for her to have Your Holy rest and peace. Lord, help us both to be living examples of Your love and order to our children. Protect our children from evil influences, surround them with Godly companions. Give us wisdom and peace in our dealings with our children. In Jesus' name I ask this, Amen.

 

[Fenner]

Having raised 4 children, and also being a former school teacher, I can tell you what you do NOT want to do is reinforce this behaviour!

In other words, if she has a tantrum, do not promise to buy her anything, including an ice cream cone or what she wants if she behaves. She should NEVER get what she has had a tantrum about! Period!

You need to sit her down and home, and explain the new rules. Those rules being that any kind of tantrum to buy things, public or private will be met with punishment, taking away privileges and anything else she values. Maybe a HARD spanking if she does it at home. And of course, she will NEVER get what she wants.

When I was first reading your post, I thought early diagnosis of bipolar disorder. But being only 8, and the fact that she can control it points more to a personality disorder. I think you might want to seek the help of a child psychologist or psychiatrist if extinguishing the behaviours does not work.

You want to stop this now, for her sake, not yours, before she grows into a very self centered woman.

Helping children overcome bad behaviors

I don't think she has bipolar or any sort of personality disorder. I just think she behaves badly when she doesn't get her own way, at least at home. Her teacher tells me how cooperative she is at school. I'm glad for that. She was recently the lead in a play her class did, her teacher told me that she was surprised she wanted to do it because she's a little shy, but she said she got up there and did it with confidence. It was just in her class and I didn't see it but it doesn't surprise me that she did that because she can be pretty dramatic and likes to play act at home. I'm going to encourage her next year to try out for the school play, I think it might help her to have something like that to focus on and it's something we can work on together. I just signed her and her brother up for the school soccer program, I also think that will help her focus on other things. They both really wanted to do it, so I was excited about that. Both of my kids are sort of shy at school so I am glad when they want to participate in activities with other kids.

I appreciate your insight Angela, God Bless!

 

[Fenner]

I have an eight year old son and a five year old daughter, my husband works quite a bit also.

The best piece of advice I have: get on the same page with your husband. Even when you disagree with his punishments or what he is saying, be a unified team. Children need to know there are no cracks in the foundation of their family. They will constantly test and look for weakness in that foundation and when they find any they will use it but in the process it will make them very unhappy.

When I quit treating our children like they were mine solely to love, discipline and teach, (because my husband didn't help and just yelled when he did do something) an amazing thing happened. I quit being so stressed out, my husband's discipline measures were not just frustration but thoughtful and the children were much, much happier and better behaved.

I still get the stressed out mom syndrome but being unified with my husband works like nothing else for us. I still have to remind myself - they are just as much his as they are mine, probably more so his - because of the unique and stressful role God has given him as head of the house.

Father,
Bless this family, unify them tightly within the bonds of family. I ask for Fenner's understanding into her husband and daughter, for her to have Your Holy rest and peace. Lord, help us both to be living examples of Your love and order to our children. Protect our children from evil influences, surround them with Godly companions. Give us wisdom and peace in our dealings with our children. In Jesus' name I ask this, Amen.

Thank you so much JJT, it's good to hear from someone with a child her age. I will talk to my husband about sticking together more with this. He really is a good person I just think he's stressed out and tired. When he tell's the kids something I never tell either of my kid's it's OK go ahead. I stick with him and say, well Dad said no and I say no to, we stick together. When she starts with something and starts having a fit I think it just frazzles us both. Ugh kids should come with instruction manuals, lol.

 

[psychomom]

Thank you so much JJT, it's good to hear from someone with a child her age. I will talk to my husband about sticking together more with this. He really is a good person I just think he's stressed out and tired. When he tell's the kids something I never tell either of my kid's it's OK go ahead. I stick with him and say, well Dad said no and I say no to, we stick together. When she starts with something and starts having a fit I think it just frazzles us both. Ugh kids should come with instruction manuals, lol.

you're a good mom.
you'll all be okay.

just thought you might need to hear it. ♥

 

[maxwel]

I think we have a lot of thoughtful people giving really good advice.


There are only a few core concepts.
If the core concepts are in place, every parent can work out the details however they want,
and the kids will be just great.


1. YOU are in charge, not her.
Parents don't need to apologize, or placate, or feel bad about being in charge.
When parents take charge, and stay in charge, it actually makes the child feel more secure.


2. She NEEDS boundaries: the bible, and modern studies, show she'll be happier with them.
Kids need boundaries.. rules, expectations, a CLEAR understanding of what they can and cannot do.

As adult Christians, why does God give us boundaries, and principles of right and wrong?
To make us miserable?
No.
God gives us boundaries because HE LOVES US... and we KNOW the boundaries are to protect us.

Well, kids aren't stupid.
They understand boundaries are to protect them.
They even know negative sounding rule (all the "don'ts") are to help them develop character.
They understand boundaries.

They also know boundaries mean you love them.
They know other kids who's parents DON'T seem to love them, and they know those kids often HAVE NO BOUNDARIES.
They know boundaries mean their parents are PAYING ATTENTION TO THEIR LIVES.
-Kids are smart, they understand boundaries mean you love them. They get it.

-Kids will brag about their boundaries BEHIND YOUR BACK!
They'll say, "Oh man, my mom would NEVER let me get away with THAT!"

They act like they hate the rules, then they'll brag about it later.



3. You have to make the boundaries CLEAR
All the rules and expectations need to be extremely clear.
They can't be wishy washy, or the kids will just be confused, and feel insecure.

Does God always tell us what he expects of us?
Of course he does.
That's what we're supposed to do with kids... be clear.
Talk about it, even write it all down.
Be clear.


4. Consequences for crossing the boundaries must also be clear.
We can't be vague with children.

We can't tell them, "If you do that, it'll be BIG trouble!"
That was so vague it didn't mean anything at all.
We need to say, "if you do that, here is the SPECIFIC CONSEQUENCE you will BRING UPON YOURSELF"


5. Make them aware the consequences are SELF INFLICTED.
- the consequence are NOT you punishing them.
- Rather, the consequences are THEM RECEIVING WHAT THEY HAVE EARNED with bad behavior.

This teaches them THEY are RESPONSIBLE for their behavior, and YOU are not the BAD GUY

As several people mentioned, you can even let them help in creating the list of consequences.
"What should happen to you if you do xyz?"
"Gee Mom, that's really bad, I should be grounded for a week."
"Ok... lets write that down."



6. Be Consistent... Enforce the Consequences... DO NOT BACK DOWN

Sometimes a parent says this,
"I've warned you 3 times, if you do that again, you're in trouble!"
The parent saying this means well... but it doesn't work.
The parent saying this has already lost the battle.
You're teaching the child that you aren't serious... and that you can be run over.

How many warnings does a child NEED before receiving a consequence?
ZERO.
Yep ZERO.
Kids aren't stupid.
They know the rules, they remember what you said... they didn't forget.
Kids aren't stupid.

You make the rules VERY VERY CLEAR.
Make sure the child understands them.
Then when they break the rules, that's it... consequences are immediately due.

(I'm not being cruel. Consequences don't have to be huge, or horrible...
they just have to be IMMEDIATE. They can be small as long as they are IMMEDIATE.)


7. Be sure you have positive consequences as well.. GIVE REWARDS.

Plan special things for them when they do great, or follow some difficult rules, or whatever.

You know what your own kids like.
Often they just want to do fun things with their parents.
Often they just want extra attention.

They need attention regardless, whether they're good or bad...
but rewards are often very simple.

Sometimes they just want you to sit and watch them do something.
Well... we should do that anyway.
But we can also reward them with extra attention doing even "specialler" and "funner" things.



8. If none of these things work...

Brick them into their room till they're 20!



NOTE:

These are simple basic things, which EVERYONE HERE IS ALREADY MENTIONING,
and which DO appear in scripture.

I just put them all into one list.

 

[Fenner]

Max, I'm just going to brick her in her room.

 

[Angela53510]

I don't think she has bipolar or any sort of personality disorder. I just think she behaves badly when she doesn't get her own way, at least at home. Her teacher tells me how cooperative she is at school. I'm glad for that. She was recently the lead in a play her class did, her teacher told me that she was surprised she wanted to do it because she's a little shy, but she said she got up there and did it with confidence. It was just in her class and I didn't see it but it doesn't surprise me that she did that because she can be pretty dramatic and likes to play act at home. I'm going to encourage her next year to try out for the school play, I think it might help her to have something like that to focus on and it's something we can work on together. I just signed her and her brother up for the school soccer program, I also think that will help her focus on other things. They both really wanted to do it, so I was excited about that. Both of my kids are sort of shy at school so I am glad when they want to participate in activities with other kids.

I appreciate your insight Angela, God Bless!

No, she is much too young to have either disorder. But manipulation is the beginning of a personality disorder, and the fact that she is able to behave well at school, but not with you speaks volumes.

So much good advice on this thread. I hope you can find a few things that will work for you and your daughter. Raising children these days is not easy, and the rules are not clear cut like they were 50 or 60 years ago.

Praying things turn around for you.

 

[presidente]

As the title says, this is about my 8 year old daughter. Of course I love my Daughter, I just don't understand her.

She's like a mini shopaholic, who goes into a temper-tantrum when she doesn't get what she wants. She will do this in public, private, in the car, anywhere, 5 million people could see her behave this way and she doesn't care.

She's very well behaved in school and does use manners, she says please and thank you and is kind to others.

For the last couple of years she's become so attached to me. She will go to school just fine, but when I have to go somewhere when they're home, like work or today for example I had to go to the store and I know if I bring her she will have a fit if I don't let her buy anything, I had to have my Husband hold her while I got out the door and into the car. When she goes into these tantrums I try my best to ignore her, unless I can't like at a store. I can't just let her flip out. I've actually left the store with her screaming because I just don't think the public should have to deal with her.

She's been doing this for a couple of years. I've tried everything I can think of to get it to stop. I just don't know what to do anymore. She's in my Sunday school class and that went fine, when it was over we were standing in the church lobby and she asked me about getting batteries for something. I said, I will, we're going home, then I'm going to go get them. Then it was like a light switch, well we need to get them now. So we walked out and I just stared and said enough! My Husband didn't say anything. So on the way home, luckily only 2 blocks I heard about batteries. Oh and she lost the leg of this stupid toy she has and was flipping out about that.

Later we went to the library, in the car on the way home, Mom, I lost a couple shopkins, I want to go to Toys R Us and get more. Me, well save money and you can get them. That went over like a lead balloon.

I don't know if I should be telling the world about my child. I am just at my wit's end with her and don't know what to do anymore. It's wearing me down. My Husband work's a lot and just yell's when she starts. He asked me today to please stop her from whining. I said, yeah because I'm so good at that. Seriously??? Why don't you help???I love her but I'm constantly with her and I just don't think I'm doing things right. I was hoping she'd grow of this and just stop, but it's not happening. I've punished her, I've spanked her, I don't hit hard and I don't do it often, I was really angry and then I felt terrible because I really don't think it helped at all.

I got nothing, other than sending her to military school. Any one else have any clue of something that might help?

I've got a 7-year-old who doesn't throw fits, but she'll bug mommy and daddy, asking about stuff while we are trying to read or work on something. It could be a toy or whether she can make some kind of dessert or craft or something like that. Threatening to take away video game play time or something like that seems to work with her. I rarely spank my kids, but I would if they threw a fit when I went to a store and other methods didn't work.

It's important that she knows the specific expectations. No screaming, yelling, laying down on the floor crying. If you say 'no' then she shuts up about it, etc.

I've had really little ones try to follow me out of the house when I couldn't take them. We live in an apartment with an elevator right out of our front door, so if they are rambunctious, they can block the elevator or jump in. I've had this problem with my daughter when she was four, and now with my three-year-old. When they get older, they know better than to do that. One little trick that works is hitting the elevator button, picking up the child, then turning the child sort of upside down, laying on the couch (in a safe position of course. The kid can't usually run to the elevator before the door closes. We used to have a play pen. If she got clingy when I was trying to leave, I'd just put her in there. I'd be gone before she left. Of course, it's better when they mature to an age where you can just say 'No, i can't take you.' and they accept that.

 

[NewWine]

Max, I'm just going to brick her in her room.

We have 3 daughters (23, 21 & 17 now) and trust me, there were MANY times when I felt like bricking them into their rooms was a GREAT solution!!!! That just made me laugh reading it. Not because I am thinking your situation is funny, but because I remember times like you're having now, and I am thinking awwwww I miss them being little again. One day, when she is grown with a family of her own (or even just grown and living on her own) you will miss this time in her life. I know behavior issues are so trying on both of you, but try to enjoy the good times right now too. You will get past this with her, she will grow into a great woman, and you will wonder where the time went. You're doing great, Mom!......it just seems like life just flies right past us, so in all things take a minute to just enjoy it. The stresses, frustrations and unsteadiness we feel sometimes, is just the world revolving, and like it says in Ecclesiastes there is a time for all things....(starts singing Turn Turn Turn....gotta love the Byrds?)

As for kids coming with instruction manuals, as easy as that would be.....think of the delivery of a book WITH a baby at the same time......nahhhh I'd rather fake it 'til I make it lol.

 

[Fenner]

you're a good mom.
you'll all be okay.

just thought you might need to hear it. ♥

Thanks Psycho Mom, I did need to hear it. Last night was a good night, we all played Scrabble and watched the voice. No arguing about anything, it was so nice.

 

[Fenner]

We have 3 daughters (23, 21 & 17 now) and trust me, there were MANY times when I felt like bricking them into their rooms was a GREAT solution!!!! That just made me laugh reading it. Not because I am thinking your situation is funny, but because I remember times like you're having now, and I am thinking awwwww I miss them being little again. One day, when she is grown with a family of her own (or even just grown and living on her own) you will miss this time in her life. I know behavior issues are so trying on both of you, but try to enjoy the good times right now too. You will get past this with her, she will grow into a great woman, and you will wonder where the time went. You're doing great, Mom!......it just seems like life just flies right past us, so in all things take a minute to just enjoy it. The stresses, frustrations and unsteadiness we feel sometimes, is just the world revolving, and like it says in Ecclesiastes there is a time for all things....(starts singing Turn Turn Turn....gotta love the Byrds?)

As for kids coming with instruction manuals, as easy as that would be.....think of the delivery of a book WITH a baby at the same time......nahhhh I'd rather fake it 'til I make it lol.

Thank you! Your words are so comforting. I know this time will fly by like it has since my kids were babies. I think about when she's grown what she'll be like. I hope she still doesn't care much about what other's think. I mean like with clothes and stuff, that peer pressure junk hasn't gotten to her yet.

 

[psychomom]

Thank you! Your words are so comforting. I know this time will fly by like it has since my kids were babies. I think about when she's grown what she'll be like. I hope she still doesn't care much about what other's think. I mean like with clothes and stuff, that peer pressure junk hasn't gotten to her yet.

here's the thing....our children, as i'm sure you know, learn waaaayy more from what they see us do than what they hear us say.

of our six kiddos, our son was the hardest the first ten years, but all the kids are more like us than like anyone else in their sphere of influence.
since you're not the type of person who cares about that stuff, it's unlikely your little girl will become one.
i'm reminded recently just how tough it is down in the trenches with the little ones....
you worry about things, and don't yet see how they'll turn out...and the responsibility of it all can become overwhelming.
BUT GOD!
don't count Him out. He loves our kiddos, too, and wants what's best for them even more than we do.

i do like Mikey's (what i always called) 'eye control' thought, though.

the mom stink eye? lol
works every time........er, almost?

 

[cmarieh]

One thing to remember, you are a good mom because if you weren't you wouldn't care what she does and wouldn't want to correct her behavior.

 

[AnnieH]

Such great ideas. Whenever you feel a bit lost, Fenner, you can go back to this thread. A few days have passed -- how are things going?

 

[Fenner]

Well I'm meeting a friend later, for dinner I won't be out late. She's upset I'm going and won't let up but she'll calm down. She tried her stuff with me the other day and she didn't get her way, I was strong about it and told her that we'd ride bike's when she showed good behavior. Eventually she did so we rode. So it's going so so.

 

[MarcR]

Well I'm meeting a friend later, for dinner I won't be out late. She's upset I'm going and won't let up but she'll calm down. She tried her stuff with me the other day and she didn't get her way, I was strong about it and told her that we'd ride bike's when she showed good behavior. Eventually she did so we rode. So it's going so so.

Great! continue to be firm! I (and I believe others )am praying for you.

Remember that correcting her behavior is NOT JUST FOR YOU! If she becomes accustomed to getting her own way; she will have a difficult social life later.

 

[Fenner]

Great! continue to be firm! I (and I believe others )am praying for you.

Remember that correcting her behavior is NOT JUST FOR YOU! If she becomes accustomed to getting her own way; she will have a difficult social life later.

Thank you Marc, I appreciate the prayers and encouragement.

 

[dabodab]

Oh wow I remember those days, taking my kiddos to stores was difficult. Looking back, because we were relatively poor and couldn't buy many 'extras', it must have been difficult for them, their eyeballs eyeing so many things we couldn't afford. I learned early, and so did they, that expectations needed to be set with a talk before going into the stiore. Here's what we're coming to the store for, and we can't get anything else. My kids acted out still though, occasionally, and I discovered a little piece of skin under their arm halfway down between the shoulder and elbow. I'd pinch there and instant control. I know this isn't accepted behavior by our culture these days, but it worked.

Not long ago my grandson, the Apple of my eye, threw a tantrum by writhing on the floor and screaming when his dad refuses to buy him something (it became clear to me later that my son, grandson's dad, probsbly didn't give in because I was there). I picked up my grandson, the apple of my eye, and carried him out of the stire like a sack of potatoes. Never even thinking what others might think.

Good behavior is expected, and I don't think it should be rewarded. Oh give compliments and acknowledgement with your attention and loving words, but don't buy a kid a toy for behaving themselves, ESPECIALLY when they know what you expect. When they don't behave, there is a reckoning with their 'stuff'. It gets taken away. It's not their right to have stuff, it's a privilege! Better they learn that now than later.