Recovery From His Affair

[Darlor]

I found out 2/21/15, my husband of 15 years was having an affair for 10 months. We had problems in our marriage. He chose the wrong path. I found out and I am broken. I know he feels remorse but probably because he got caught. The pain I feel is unbelievable. Trying to not get into the depths of depression. Trying to give it to God. We decided to work on our friendship and put reconciliation off of the table for now. He knows that things can not go forward if he still has a mistress. I think he is still texting her somewhat. We are separated right now. Trying to be patient. I believe he still loves me and cares about me. I dont want another failed marriage. His brother told me to give him time, give him space, and be his friend. He had gone thru this with his wife who had an affair and he has had a lot of counselling. My daughter is angry at him and rightfully so. I hate this pain and agony I have to endure.

 

[blue_ladybug]

I found out 2/21/15, my husband of 15 years was having an affair for 10 months. We had problems in our marriage. He chose the wrong path. I found out and I am broken. I know he feels remorse but probably because he got caught. The pain I feel is unbelievable. Trying to not get into the depths of depression. Trying to give it to God. We decided to work on our friendship and put reconciliation off of the table for now. He knows that things can not go forward if he still has a mistress. I think he is still texting her somewhat. We are separated right now. Trying to be patient. I believe he still loves me and cares about me. I dont want another failed marriage. His brother told me to give him time, give him space, and be his friend. He had gone thru this with his wife who had an affair and he has had a lot of counselling. My daughter is angry at him and rightfully so. I hate this pain and agony I have to endure.

Darlor, you have every right to be angry and hurt. Your husband betrayed you, your trust and your marriage. That shows how little his family and marriage vows mean to him. You need to put your foot down and demand he stop seeing this woman altogether, or else. That includes texting her and phoning her. Of course he said he's sorry, but most cheaters say they're sorry because they got caught, NOT because they are TRULY sorry. He may very well be sincere in saying that, but since he's STILL texting her, you should be doubtful of his apology. His brother gave you good advice. Just work on being friends, time will tell whether he's sincere or not. If he does not give up his mistress, that will tell you where his priorities lie.. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I say that from personal experience. My exes all cheated on me and they're ALL STILL cheating with whoever their with now. Your daughter also has a right to be angry--her father ruined her family. He not only betrayed you, but your daughter also..

 

[Darlor]

Thanks so much! am gonna keep on keeping on. My sister told me that trusting God is what I should be doing. Im going to try and let him fight for me.

 

[tourist]

If your husband loved you he would not have cheated on you. It is good that you are separated. Infidelity is the worse betrayal there is and the closeness that you and your husband shared will never be the same. I would be considering divorce. I will pray that God comforts you. It is a terrible thing that has happen to you and it will take a lot of time to heal. I would not be listening to any stories your husband may want to tell you. This was not some one time moment of weakness but an on-going 10 month long affair. He had his chance with you. Do not give him a second chance. Welcome to CC.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Thanks so much! am gonna keep on keeping on. My sister told me that trusting God is what I should be doing. Im going to try and let him fight for me.

Your sister is right. Trusting God is all you can do right now. I hope for you and your daughter's sake that he truly is sorry and will end the affair, and work on rebuilding your trust in him. THAT is going to take alot of work on his part. Hopefully he realizes the depth of the hurt he is putting his family through right now. Here's a question for you to think about: what if he DOESN'T fight for you? What would you do then? I would suggest that you get an STD test done, just to be safe. You don't know what he might have gotten from this other woman..better to be safe rather than sorry..

 

[soccermom19]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Your story sounds a lot like my own.
I would find out if he still has a mistress. It has been over a month, if he still has one I'm afraid that he made his choice. Do not let him continue to cheat and then come back to you. It sets a bad example for your child. He needs to know that he can not have both.
I know how hard it is. I still feel pain and agony and it's been 6 months since we finally separated.
Be true to God and yourself. It is time for you to do what is best for yourself and your child. You can't change your husband, he has to do that himself.
if you would ever like to talk, feel free to PM me. There is also a group for separated and divorced members on here. To find it, click on the community tab at the top of the CC page, then click on chat groups. Look for the Separation/Divorce support group.
God Bless you!

 

[MarcR]

While I do believe in true repentance; I think that if your husband took his marriage vows seriously, he would not have cheated. Unless you see a total change in his outlook regarding commitments in general; you cant expect a genuine change in his outlook regarding his commitment to you! You can NEVER undo the pain he has already caused you; BUT you CAN protect yourself from future pain!

 

[GracethroughfaithinChrist]

I found out 2/21/15, my husband of 15 years was having an affair for 10 months. We had problems in our marriage. He chose the wrong path. I found out and I am broken. I know he feels remorse but probably because he got caught. The pain I feel is unbelievable. Trying to not get into the depths of depression. Trying to give it to God. We decided to work on our friendship and put reconciliation off of the table for now. He knows that things can not go forward if he still has a mistress. I think he is still texting her somewhat. We are separated right now. Trying to be patient. I believe he still loves me and cares about me. I dont want another failed marriage. His brother told me to give him time, give him space, and be his friend. He had gone thru this with his wife who had an affair and he has had a lot of counselling. My daughter is angry at him and rightfully so. I hate this pain and agony I have to endure.

10 months? Wow! even once is unacceptable in my book,.......but 10 months (almost 300 days) makes it look like he had established a new relationship not just had a fling, sorry but once again unacceptable. i'll pray that God heals you and strengthens you to move on with your life.

[video=youtube;9oZXJD1NVW0]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9oZXJD1NVW0[/video]
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[Joidevivre]

Great words were given to you by everyone here.

You can't see the big picture - so you can only do the right thing at this time. And so you are....

I pray that the Lord will use this separation to bring your husband into a warm loving relationship with Him where he can repent and receive forgiveness. And that he will make a decision TO THE LORD never to betray you again. And with the help of the Holy Spirit heal your marriage. It can be done. I know!

Marc mentioned that he would have to have a new outlook regarding commitments, and this could only happen with a deepening of his relationship with Christ.

 

[Deliver]

It must be horrible to have gone through that, I can only imagine. You need to heal from the hurt first. And that means doing whatever YOU need to heal. Getting closer to God, trusting that He knows what you are going through and that He has a plan to prosper your life and that He will never leave you nor forsake you.

I don't know why we go through heartache and pain like we do, but it is true that suffering creates character. For your life and for your husbands, God sees the beginning from the end and is working something out.
I don't think you should keep in contact with your husband while you heal. I don't think you should be his "friend". He doesn't sound like he really realises what he did to you or is fully sorry.

I'll tell you something about cheaters. They don't appreciate what they have. They don't care about the other person until they realise they may lose them forever. At this moment, your husband sounds like he thinks you will always be around anyway, that you are sympathetic to what he's been through in the past and that you love him and will always be his friend.
This all may be true, but he needs to THINK that he no longer has you in his life. He needs to really lose you and contact with you, in order to really realise what he had and what he put you through. People just don't care .. when they think they have you always. - That is, unless God gives them a revelation. (Which He can.)

On the road to Damascus, The Lord "pretended" to be continuing on with His journey so the two He spoke to would constrain Him to come in. He knew all along that they would but it's interesting that He did that.
Sometimes, we know we will always love someone, we know we will forgive them and be with them.. And God knows. But THEY don't have to know... Not until they've reached a certain point where they are truly sorry, anyway.
I hope this makes sense, it's a bit of a weak example to use but I hope you can understand what I am trying to say.

Breaking contact helps YOU. It means you can focus on God and healing. But it is also giving your husband a chance to repent and realise how he hurt you.

 

[seekingg]

I know it sucks.... all we can do is forgive.. take the pain and offer it to Jesus somehow. I WISH I could help you more.

 

[Deliver]

It must be horrible to have gone through that, I can only imagine. You need to heal from the hurt first. And that means doing whatever YOU need to heal. Getting closer to God, trusting that He knows what you are going through and that He has a plan to prosper your life and that He will never leave you nor forsake you.

I don't know why we go through heartache and pain like we do, but it is true that suffering creates character. For your life and for your husbands, God sees the beginning from the end and is working something out.
I don't think you should keep in contact with your husband while you heal. I don't think you should be his "friend". He doesn't sound like he really realises what he did to you or is fully sorry.

I'll tell you something about cheaters. They don't appreciate what they have. They don't care about the other person until they realise they may lose them forever. At this moment, your husband sounds like he thinks you will always be around anyway, that you are sympathetic to what he's been through in the past and that you love him and will always be his friend.
This all may be true, but he needs to THINK that he no longer has you in his life. He needs to really lose you and contact with you, in order to really realise what he had and what he put you through. People just don't care .. when they think they have you always. - That is, unless God gives them a revelation. (Which He can.)

On the road to Damascus, The Lord "pretended" to be continuing on with His journey so the two He spoke to would constrain Him to come in. He knew all along that they would but it's interesting that He did that.
Sometimes, we know we will always love someone, we know we will forgive them and be with them.. And God knows. But THEY don't have to know... Not until they've reached a certain point where they are truly sorry, anyway.
I hope this makes sense, it's a bit of a weak example to use but I hope you can understand what I am trying to say.

Breaking contact helps YOU. It means you can focus on God and healing. But it is also giving your husband a chance to repent and realise how he hurt you.

To clear up, not Damascus, Emmaus.

 

[skylove7]

I am so sorry you are heartbroken Darlor! I will pray for you.
Remember this was not your fault, so don't ever feel that you were not a beautiful person! Some people cannot see, what beauty they have in someone, even when it is right in front of them.
Your husband will realize this, when he sees that likely there's no other woman that loves him strong as you! Best wishes to you, I will pray you are happy again.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Your husband has carried on this affair for nearly a year. That should tell you that he has, and never had, any intent of stopping it.. Don't try and "let him fight for you" as you mentioned in another post. He made his decision and left your marriage a long time ago. I would work on forgiving him, and moving on with your kids. As far as being his friend, I would just deal with him only when he comes to see your kids, and that's all. God is allowing this to happen for a reason. Don't keep knocking on this door because God has already closed it. Your hubby made his choice, he chose his mistress over his family. Now it's time for YOU to make a choice: sit back and wait to see if he apologizes and ends the affair, or cut him loose and move on with your life. Your daughter and you deserve alot better than this. Don't make either one of you suffer through this ordeal one moment longer. Let this man lay in the bed that he made. God will deal with him in due time..

 

[Angela53510]

I agree with the others, that it is time to move on. Unless God performs a miracle in your ex-husband's life, he has betrayed you and your marriage. He doesn't want to fight for you, as he already has someone else. It wouldn't surprise me if he went onto to have affairs with other women.

Get a good divorce lawyer, and take care of yourself and your daughter. And do get tested for STD's. Praying you can let go and cling to God, instead of this no good cheater!