P
I'm a 32 year old Christian woman, I have been married 7 years and inside it gave birth to two beautiful children. The past few weeks have been a series of events that have led me to the doors of separation and probably divorce... I'm seeking wise, experienced Christian advice. This is very long and if you read it all with some advice at the end, I will be very thankful.
When I got married, our relationship was wonderful. He was a generous, helpful and loving man. I had a very slight reservation about him not being a fully professed Christian, and maybe it was foolish, but I asked God to end it and prevent me from marrying if He did not wish for me to be in that relationship. My husband wasn't raised in any faith and I was a Christian, though he hadn't fully gotten to the point of submitting his life to Christ and God, he prayed with me, was supportive, and provided a safe loving home for both of us.
Slowly, I began to see things change a bit. When I was pregnant with my first child, he wouldn't touch me or give me any affection. It was heartbreaking and I was so incredibly lonely. He seemed to eventually snap out of it and I tried my best to accommodate both him and baby, but I always felt a bit of resentment on his part. I chalked it up to him being such a serious teen with many jobs and that he never really was able to enjoy a carefree young adult life and that he was thrown right into parenthood.
He had a lot of female friends from his past, and he knew my stance on them. I wasn't comfortable having him meet up with them alone and expected him to be respectful. I did the same for him. I also began to change the way I fought with people, making a conscious effort to not be passive-aggressive but more direct, so to make my relationship with my husband all the better during times of disagreement.
We had another child, and he constantly complained about sex. Even if we had it 3x a week, he'd complain it wasn't enough. He also criticized the way I initiated it and would make me cry. He made sure I knew I was a good mother but terrible wife, and he never let me forget that. No matter what I did for him, it was never good enough. He began to spend a lot of time with friends that I did not like--they lacked morals and showed it in their lifestyle (addiction, dishonest business dealings, theft, sexual immorality) and they always told me that my husband tried to keep them out of trouble. He would often go out 3x a week with them. He betrayed my confidence by spending $800+ a month on them just with beer and food at the bar. We were scraping by financially at this point and I really wanted to get out of debt. I told him I was beginning to have trust issues with him and that he was a father and husband and cannot live a life like that.
During this time in our marriage, his mood swings were unbearable. I would secretly hope he would leave me because his stonewalling me was so emotionally painful. He would emotionally manipulate me to get what he wanted and treated me like a servant. For months he would give me one word answers and I could feel him glaring at me all the time. I tried so hard to provide a nice, calm, clean loving house for him to come home to and to cheer him up, or to open up to me. It was beginning to be quite clear, from things he said, that he was angry with God, and also resented the fact I wasn't the same person he married--which I wasn't as I was still growing in God and had developed interests and passions that I was so excited about. I began walking around on eggshells around the house, and tried my best to avoid offending him which I did quite often with my actions and words, apparently.
I also had an incident where a spirit tried to assault me sexually in our bed while our entire family napped, and my daughter screamed. It was very frightening but my husband brushed it off and had nothing to say about it nor did he seem to care. I still loved him very much, and want the best for him and try everything to make our marriage work..everything seemed OK to stay with him, and I prayed to God a few times that I wanted my husband to live in Christ one day, and if it took something drastic, that I would be willing to even give my life for it.
A couple years pass, and I find a cash advance on our credit card from a casino for a few hundred dollars. I felt like my trust did not mean much to him. I asked him point blank what else I didn't know, and if he had cheated on me as well. He denied everything and then when he knew I had papers backing up the advance, he apologized saying it was one mistake.
A month later, I am giving sex 4-8 times a week. He is still criticizing me, asking why I don't wear lingerie anymore, or if I say after intercourse "that was fun" he would say "that doesn't count, it's in the day" and put on his clothes and go on with his day. One night in this same month, I lose my cell phone and he's sleeping. I use his cellphone to call mine, and as I close his programs I notice text messages from random numbers. I look closer to discover he had a sex date with an escort in 10 hours. I was shaking..devastated. I began going through his entire phone and found disrespectful texts between him and a coworker talking about girls, and another escort he was trying to sleep with. I searched all his bags and coat pockets and vehicle for more evidence but didn't find any. I wake him up, telling him not to go to the girl that morning, and that I love him and want our marriage to work out. He says he's sorry, that he is messed up and hates himself and wants to die. He goes out and buys affair books and relationship books for us to work on stuff, and we cease sexual relations for a week. He gave me passwords and let me look at his phone when he returned every day for 'complete transparency'. One night, while he was at work, I am going through his emails and find cybersex between him and a woman. He's telling her the most atrocious things and that I'm out of town. I called him crying and very angry, and he denied it. When I showed him the proof, he said he forgot that he did that. I said that no normal person would forget the first time they ever cheated. I then began to believe there was much more. I asked him to get his stuff and live with his parents the next day.
I beg him for more truth, and he keeps denying and finally, finally I find out he had exchanged inappropriate texts with a married female friend during my first pregnancy. They talked about previous sexual escapades (while she was married) they had that I never knew about (and I even asked him if they've ever had a history which he denied years before). Additionally, at least 3 women were sending him naked pictures which he was asking for, including one of our bridesmaids from our wedding party. I am quite confident there is more that I still don't know about. There is also porn involved. THEN, I find out he had a full out affair with a girl I knew of that I knew had a crush on him, and that he would go over there a lot over the course of 5 months and would also do it without condoms, putting me at risk physically. He'd lie and say he was at a friend's but stop at her house, have sex with her and then criticize me before bed about my sexuality the same night. I find out that a ton of people know about this, and he has humiliated me and made a fool out of me in front of all his friends! He also complained about what a bad wife I was to all of them. I was not a bad wife. I was committed and loving. I cannot articulate the betrayal I feel. During this disclosure, my son wakes and yells from his room that there is something shaking his bed and he was terrified. More supernatural attacking. My world crashed down and all I could think was 'this man does not love me! I need to save myself and the kids and run away from him as fast as I can!'
He has moved out and began seeing a therapist. I am not protecting him anymore, and now his parents, my parents and close family and friends know the truth. He claims he has lost everything and is very remorseful, but I feel like he's uncomfortable and just wants his easy life back. He has gotten a new cell phone and says he dropped all his bad friends. Says he's attending church, praying hard and reading his bible and searching out for good Christian men to hang out with. I suspect sex addiction alongside other addictions like alcohol, but also narcissistic characteristics as I really, REALLY notice a lack of empathy. After all this, even today, he asked if I would be willing to help him cross an item off his bucket list by going to see a favorite musician of his. Like I would feel honored or enjoy doing that with him?? It feels like there is a disconnect.
I don't know who this man is! I feel physically violated and ill... like my soul has been raped. I do not trust him, I can't imagine trusting him again. I gave myself fully to him to receive extreme heartache, emotional manipulation and shattered trust. I care about him still, but I don't know what to do. This guy has years of therapy ahead of him. If he becomes a true Christian, how will I know? I do plan to forgive, and I know Christ can do anything, but would he want me to forgive and go back to a man that could do that to me and his family? I know in the bible divorce was granted with Moses because of our human hardened hearts, so does Christ desire that I soften mine and forgive and submit to this man once again? Now I know I am not perfect by any means, but I know I am a beautiful, intelligent (though I feel like a fool for trusting this man for years), loving woman. At the age of 32, at what point am I wasting my time and/or putting my family at risk? What if I waited for 5 years and reconciled only to find out his was still morally bankrupt? My kids come first, but will I ever be able to experience the God-filled love of a wonderful husband.. someone who could never have found it in his heart to do those things to me?
I am in agony. My gut is telling me no. My head is telling me to give him a chance and be open to reconciliation in a few years. I am constantly flipping back and forth. I want a happy, healthy, intact family. I wanted 3 kids and a loving husband and environment. I feel like my life and dreams of family was stolen from me. I never in a million years thought I'd be a single mother.
Please, I very much need a ton of prayer and words of wisdom. If you made it this far in my post, thank you for listening.
When I got married, our relationship was wonderful. He was a generous, helpful and loving man. I had a very slight reservation about him not being a fully professed Christian, and maybe it was foolish, but I asked God to end it and prevent me from marrying if He did not wish for me to be in that relationship. My husband wasn't raised in any faith and I was a Christian, though he hadn't fully gotten to the point of submitting his life to Christ and God, he prayed with me, was supportive, and provided a safe loving home for both of us.
Slowly, I began to see things change a bit. When I was pregnant with my first child, he wouldn't touch me or give me any affection. It was heartbreaking and I was so incredibly lonely. He seemed to eventually snap out of it and I tried my best to accommodate both him and baby, but I always felt a bit of resentment on his part. I chalked it up to him being such a serious teen with many jobs and that he never really was able to enjoy a carefree young adult life and that he was thrown right into parenthood.
He had a lot of female friends from his past, and he knew my stance on them. I wasn't comfortable having him meet up with them alone and expected him to be respectful. I did the same for him. I also began to change the way I fought with people, making a conscious effort to not be passive-aggressive but more direct, so to make my relationship with my husband all the better during times of disagreement.
We had another child, and he constantly complained about sex. Even if we had it 3x a week, he'd complain it wasn't enough. He also criticized the way I initiated it and would make me cry. He made sure I knew I was a good mother but terrible wife, and he never let me forget that. No matter what I did for him, it was never good enough. He began to spend a lot of time with friends that I did not like--they lacked morals and showed it in their lifestyle (addiction, dishonest business dealings, theft, sexual immorality) and they always told me that my husband tried to keep them out of trouble. He would often go out 3x a week with them. He betrayed my confidence by spending $800+ a month on them just with beer and food at the bar. We were scraping by financially at this point and I really wanted to get out of debt. I told him I was beginning to have trust issues with him and that he was a father and husband and cannot live a life like that.
During this time in our marriage, his mood swings were unbearable. I would secretly hope he would leave me because his stonewalling me was so emotionally painful. He would emotionally manipulate me to get what he wanted and treated me like a servant. For months he would give me one word answers and I could feel him glaring at me all the time. I tried so hard to provide a nice, calm, clean loving house for him to come home to and to cheer him up, or to open up to me. It was beginning to be quite clear, from things he said, that he was angry with God, and also resented the fact I wasn't the same person he married--which I wasn't as I was still growing in God and had developed interests and passions that I was so excited about. I began walking around on eggshells around the house, and tried my best to avoid offending him which I did quite often with my actions and words, apparently.
I also had an incident where a spirit tried to assault me sexually in our bed while our entire family napped, and my daughter screamed. It was very frightening but my husband brushed it off and had nothing to say about it nor did he seem to care. I still loved him very much, and want the best for him and try everything to make our marriage work..everything seemed OK to stay with him, and I prayed to God a few times that I wanted my husband to live in Christ one day, and if it took something drastic, that I would be willing to even give my life for it.
A couple years pass, and I find a cash advance on our credit card from a casino for a few hundred dollars. I felt like my trust did not mean much to him. I asked him point blank what else I didn't know, and if he had cheated on me as well. He denied everything and then when he knew I had papers backing up the advance, he apologized saying it was one mistake.
A month later, I am giving sex 4-8 times a week. He is still criticizing me, asking why I don't wear lingerie anymore, or if I say after intercourse "that was fun" he would say "that doesn't count, it's in the day" and put on his clothes and go on with his day. One night in this same month, I lose my cell phone and he's sleeping. I use his cellphone to call mine, and as I close his programs I notice text messages from random numbers. I look closer to discover he had a sex date with an escort in 10 hours. I was shaking..devastated. I began going through his entire phone and found disrespectful texts between him and a coworker talking about girls, and another escort he was trying to sleep with. I searched all his bags and coat pockets and vehicle for more evidence but didn't find any. I wake him up, telling him not to go to the girl that morning, and that I love him and want our marriage to work out. He says he's sorry, that he is messed up and hates himself and wants to die. He goes out and buys affair books and relationship books for us to work on stuff, and we cease sexual relations for a week. He gave me passwords and let me look at his phone when he returned every day for 'complete transparency'. One night, while he was at work, I am going through his emails and find cybersex between him and a woman. He's telling her the most atrocious things and that I'm out of town. I called him crying and very angry, and he denied it. When I showed him the proof, he said he forgot that he did that. I said that no normal person would forget the first time they ever cheated. I then began to believe there was much more. I asked him to get his stuff and live with his parents the next day.
I beg him for more truth, and he keeps denying and finally, finally I find out he had exchanged inappropriate texts with a married female friend during my first pregnancy. They talked about previous sexual escapades (while she was married) they had that I never knew about (and I even asked him if they've ever had a history which he denied years before). Additionally, at least 3 women were sending him naked pictures which he was asking for, including one of our bridesmaids from our wedding party. I am quite confident there is more that I still don't know about. There is also porn involved. THEN, I find out he had a full out affair with a girl I knew of that I knew had a crush on him, and that he would go over there a lot over the course of 5 months and would also do it without condoms, putting me at risk physically. He'd lie and say he was at a friend's but stop at her house, have sex with her and then criticize me before bed about my sexuality the same night. I find out that a ton of people know about this, and he has humiliated me and made a fool out of me in front of all his friends! He also complained about what a bad wife I was to all of them. I was not a bad wife. I was committed and loving. I cannot articulate the betrayal I feel. During this disclosure, my son wakes and yells from his room that there is something shaking his bed and he was terrified. More supernatural attacking. My world crashed down and all I could think was 'this man does not love me! I need to save myself and the kids and run away from him as fast as I can!'
He has moved out and began seeing a therapist. I am not protecting him anymore, and now his parents, my parents and close family and friends know the truth. He claims he has lost everything and is very remorseful, but I feel like he's uncomfortable and just wants his easy life back. He has gotten a new cell phone and says he dropped all his bad friends. Says he's attending church, praying hard and reading his bible and searching out for good Christian men to hang out with. I suspect sex addiction alongside other addictions like alcohol, but also narcissistic characteristics as I really, REALLY notice a lack of empathy. After all this, even today, he asked if I would be willing to help him cross an item off his bucket list by going to see a favorite musician of his. Like I would feel honored or enjoy doing that with him?? It feels like there is a disconnect.
I don't know who this man is! I feel physically violated and ill... like my soul has been raped. I do not trust him, I can't imagine trusting him again. I gave myself fully to him to receive extreme heartache, emotional manipulation and shattered trust. I care about him still, but I don't know what to do. This guy has years of therapy ahead of him. If he becomes a true Christian, how will I know? I do plan to forgive, and I know Christ can do anything, but would he want me to forgive and go back to a man that could do that to me and his family? I know in the bible divorce was granted with Moses because of our human hardened hearts, so does Christ desire that I soften mine and forgive and submit to this man once again? Now I know I am not perfect by any means, but I know I am a beautiful, intelligent (though I feel like a fool for trusting this man for years), loving woman. At the age of 32, at what point am I wasting my time and/or putting my family at risk? What if I waited for 5 years and reconciled only to find out his was still morally bankrupt? My kids come first, but will I ever be able to experience the God-filled love of a wonderful husband.. someone who could never have found it in his heart to do those things to me?
I am in agony. My gut is telling me no. My head is telling me to give him a chance and be open to reconciliation in a few years. I am constantly flipping back and forth. I want a happy, healthy, intact family. I wanted 3 kids and a loving husband and environment. I feel like my life and dreams of family was stolen from me. I never in a million years thought I'd be a single mother.
Please, I very much need a ton of prayer and words of wisdom. If you made it this far in my post, thank you for listening.
Great approach!
