My husband is divorcing me.

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StrivingtoSuceed

Guest
#1
Oh my....where does one start. My current marriage of almost two years started off on a horrible foundation, and has been filled with strife. I was raised in a Christian home, and was a committed follower of Christ. I'm getting back on track as his spirit has been drawing me back to my savior. I'm young, (27) and had a previous marriage of 7 years. I married young. Together, he and I had two wonderful children together. I endured quite a bit of heartache through that marriage. And I rededicated my life back to Christ during my first marriage, my husband remained unsaved. I stayed with him through years of betrayal, I prayed over him as he slept. I believed God for a miracle....I gave up too soon. I had danced around the idea of divorce for a few years. But when I met a man that came in the mix I had then decided I was going to do it. This man was also claiming to be a Christian and believed it to be okay to pursue me because I was going to be divorcing my husband.
He and I, (he's 16 years older than I) secretly began a relationship. We fell quickly in love. We moved so fast, everything was so wrong...it was just so wrong. My divorce became final, and I married less than a year after too this new man, who is now my husband. My heart was in shambles and I was a very broken woman without realizing it....I had my own suspicions about my current husband before we married, but despite it and warning from those who love me, I married him anyway. Almost Immediately everything went horribly wrong. As a man who has been dependant upon his mother for his entire life (she cooks for him, she cleans for him, she makes him lunches for work, she is always around) I didn't only feel like I took a back seat to her, I knew I did. She has since grown into my heart, but I still believe that she just wants him all to herself. He resisted my efforts of allowing me to take my rightful place as the woman of the home, making me feel small, ignored, and unworthy. Always being compared to his mother. He wants me to be just like her...he would stare at the ceiling in silence as i made so many attempts to communicate. He is also a master manipulator...and blame shifter. It became evident to me why a 42 year old man was un-we'd and without children, although he claims it to be that he is picky. After enduring his manipulation games I grew such distain toward him in my heart. I pondered his character, as he willingly took a married woman. I also realized that I had severely compromised my own character...severely.
I increasingly fell deeper into satans snare and grew increasingly angry with him...it showed. It wasn't until I found things in his phone that really set a new pace that hasn't let up. With him refusing to ever acknowledge ANY fault in himself, my heart grew against him. I became pregnant, and the hormones induced me to become severely mentally unstable. (I'm sure the damage of my sinful decisions from the past and guilt also contributed, in addition the loss of my aunt and uncle within 2 months of each other whom I was extremely close to) I would recall in my mind how he would teach me how to lie and deceive people while we were dating into believing it weren't true. I knew deep inside he was his own best advocate, believing himself to be a holy roller, and just the best thing, ever. He has many narcissitic qualities.
During my pregnancy he emotionally abandoned me while I would weep for hours upstairs alone. I would beg for his love, support, and companionship but he would only sit downstairs with his movies, and allow a house divided. I began to cut myself. (Remember, I was mentally ill) he became aware of what I was doing and never once mentioned it, never once was concerned for me. It was 9 months of me being totally broken and emotionally unstable. And he abandoned me...I felt so unloved. He only ever tells me that I don't do enough. He NEVER builds me up. Only breaks me down. I believe I have endured quite a bit of emotional abuse from him.. And I can admit, he also did
From me.
I found a new job and met a new crowd. I candidly told my husband that I was feeling extremely vulnerable with men....he didn't care. Instead, he continued to sleep downstairs and ignore me. Well, I allowed myself to engage with another man. And he found out about it.
Oh my, it was then that he finally started communicating with me. Just about how horrible I am. Which I
Agree, I have been horrible.. Together we decided to divorce. I printed joint paperwork, had it notarized, filled it out with him....but then I had a change of heart. I repented before my Lord and did a 180. He filed the papers behind my back. Unwilling to allow God to make beauty from ashes. I moved into my sisters house staying there on the days my daughters were with their dad. About 2 months I did this. But I became overwhelmed with grief of the prospect of yet another broken family, I came home and pleaded with him
To fight alongside with me for our marriage. He seemingly agreed. For over a month things were going so well. We were playful, talking, spending time together...I still realized we needed to seek counseling but was doing things one step at a time. Then all of a sudden out of no where he became crabby and distant. A week went on like this before I asked him if he needed to talk about anything. I sympathized with him in his grief over what I had done, I understand. I've been there myself from my previous marriage. I endured years of it, yet I was willing to stay, and wait in the Lord until I did leave.
So randomly, he has expressed he is done. He doesn't want me and somehow life was easier when I wasn't around but staying at my sisters. This is it. I'm finally now understanding that this is out of my control. Nothing I say or do can save my marriage.
I believe that not only what I had done plays a role, but he just doesn't like being held responsible as a husband. He in my opinion is very faint of heart, although he portrays himself to be overly compassionate and strong to anyone that doesn't know him as I know him...I believe his whole life is a fasad. I believe he has deep rooted emotional issues, and an unhealthy relationship with his mother for being a married man. He doesn't want to have to change. He's not willing to look at himself.
He is so kind and caring to EVERYBODY but me, so kind to the point people either esteem him very highly, or are not tricked by it and are creeped out by him.
I have these three beautiful children that because of my poor life choices have no hope of a family.
Any prayer, or encouragement would be amazing right now as I find myself in moments of intense despair, confusion, guilt, high moments, low moments, denial...the list goes on.
Do I back off and give him his way? I've more than expressed my heart to
Him and have made such loud efforts to make change, and in areas where more change is needed, I have made him aware that I am willing to continue to allow God to work on my heart.
He wants none of it. And I am so confused, and in shock.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
41,243
16,252
113
69
Tennessee
#2
You covered a lot of ground in this first post. It seems to me that you seek validation for yourself as a woman in the relationships that you enter. If this current marriage fails don't be so quick to become entangled again in another failed relationship.

I believe that you are totally broken inside and need emotionally healing in the form of love, compassion, mercy and understanding. As your current husband seems lack in bestowing these on you then you must seek this from God. You are not alone with these types of difficulties and I will say a prayer for God's will and desire to be done in your life and for your children and current husband.

Welcome to CC.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
70,862
9,581
113
#3
If he's so horrible to you, why would you want to stay in that marriage to him? You stated that you have hardened your heart towards him. He's not a true christian if he's doing these things. You decided TOGETHER to divorce, so the idea wasn't entirely his. Obviously it's been on both of your minds. He shows his evil colors to you, and his saintliness to everyone else. Sounds like he has major issues. You mentioned that he's dependant on his mom for everything, even though he's a functioning adult. He shows you no kindness, no respect, no love. I'm sorry but this marriage is not, and never probably was, a real marriage. This isn't who God has in mind for you. Let the divorce go through and move on. You're alot better off without a manipulator like him.

It was hard to read your post. Could you please use paragraphs next time? Thanks..
 
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StrivingtoSuceed

Guest
#4
You're right. I do seek validation. I never use to be this way. I was always fully equipped with confidence, knowing who I was in Christ, and not needing anyone to build me up. Christ alone was where I placed my identity, his daughter.
Since this marriage, I have been beaten down. I feel like I'm am worth absolutely nothing, and have no good qualities. Even when those that know me the very best encourage me with reminders of who I am, I somehow doubt that what they say is true. I think, " maybe everything HE says is true, maybe they don't know me as well as he does." Any form of doubt, rationalized by his persistence of informing me of everything I lack, and why I'm so awful...

I need to find Christ again as I knew him Before, because I know that it is only then that I will
Find true peace.
 
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StrivingtoSuceed

Guest
#5
At Blue LadyBug.
I wonder the same things at times, "why do I want to stay in this marriage?"
The honest answer, mostly for my children's sake and security. And I also cling to the hope that God can change his heart.
Yes, together we did decide initially to pursue a divorce. But as I stated, I had a change of
Heart, and he seemingly was on board.
I do believe I will NEVER have a fulfilling marriage with him as he is unwilling to change or look at himself. But somehow, I'm willing so suffer so my children may have a happy childhood.
And you hit it on the head, I've also felt and have stated before to my mother that this was never real. He couldn't ever possibly view me as his wife as he refused to dismiss his mother and allow himself to rely upon me, his wife, and me only.
 
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StrivingtoSuceed

Guest
#6
Thank you for your reply. I'm still learning how to use this site. My original response to you is below.