What is a good father supposed to be?

[TwilightSparkle]

Hey everyone,

So I have my dad and many issues with him and I just need advice and help and prayer and I don't even know what else. My dad is Hispanic and 39 years old. But we have come into some really big problems with his anger. You see whenever he gets angry at me he just can't seem to control it in any sense of the word. If i do something he doesn't like he just explodes with rage. If i disobey him or forget to do a chore ( I have ADHD so its hard to focus) he calls me useless. If something isn't "just so" he doesn't like it and I suffer. He tells me he loves and i don't doubt it but then why does he do this? Why does he call me an idiot because i bought my gf of a year a 200$ ring originally at $1,200? And then to top it off he ALWAYS calls me names when I forget to do something (which im getting better at) He calls me useless, dead weight, lazy, ungrateful, not helpful, etc. And this takes a toll on me, i try to tell him he's hurting our relationship but he thinks that it's my fault and that he has no part to play in it. I mean if he did, wouldn't see what this had done to me instead of acting like im normal when clearly this has ha d a negative impact?

Another thing also is he has NO idea on how to talk. MY gf has anxiety depression ptsd and so much more and he doesn't see past her disability

 

[JFSurvivor]

For starters, look up in the Bible what God has to say about you. Really learn who you are in Christ. Make a list of everything God thinks of you. Once you have a firm foundation work on forgiving your dad...it's not going to be easy by any means and your dad isn't going to ask for forgiveness and he's probably not going to feel bad about what he is doing but forgive him. See his hurt and his pain. Learn where the anger comes from.

When your dad becomes abusive go to the list you made and cry out to God to help you believe it. I hope this helps.

 

[twamps21]

My Dad struggles with some of the same issue. Emotional abuse can be very hurtful especially comming from someone that is supposed to love you unconditionally. I don't know about your situation but my dads rage is 100 times worse when he's stressed or drinking. What I find helpful is find some place quiet you can go when he says these hurtful things and just start praying for him. That's what I do, I have also found reading the Bible helps me.
Have you tried talking to him about this? I know from experience it's hard, especially with someone with anger issues. I know I've tried talking to my dad multiple times he either lashes out or is like "I'm sorry never again". The never again part never holds up but for that small amount of time it helps.
I'll be praying for you both. And remember your real father is up in heaven.

 

[Lifetrack]

I feel your pain man, i am now 62 years old and the memory of the things my father did when i was young still hurts
He died in 2004, up to that day i still tried to please him, did not work. thank God i could forgive him before he passed away.
He also called me stupid and retard, beatings for no reason at all when i was young. Just don't make the mistake i did then and never believe you are what he says. God will make you stronger by it, i learned never to fear anything or anyone because that time, God scan use me now wherever He wants me. One warning i wil give you, be where when you have children of you're own that some caracteristics of you're father can be inherited, even if you don't want it.

 

[Sirk]

Anger is the result of unprocessed pain. Anger is a secondary emotion and underneath it is always an emotional hurt, trauma pain etc. When these hurts build up over time they result in a low to mid level anger being carried with you all the time. If you put anger on a scale of 1 to 10...1 being mildly frustrated to 10 being yelling, cursing, throwing things.... What happens with anger resulting from unprocessed pain is that the base level of anger is raised....ie a person with unprocessed pain walks around at a 3 or 5 or whatever on the anger scale and they are tipped over past a five at the littlest of things. Processing, expressing pain in a safe place is the key to having your base level of anger at a zero and thus building good character to handle the difficulties of life and relationships. Your dad isn't a bad guy....he just doesn't know how to process his pain.

 

[Lifetrack]

I forgot to to say this, that's what bad memories do, but you are completely correct Sirk.

 

[Sirk]

Another thing about anger.... when it passes a five, is that that.....is the point when rationality leaves the building. Somewhere after that there are about 14 chemicals that flood the brain due to the fight or flight that is hard wired into us. Next time your dad flips his lid just try to observe it from an objective viewpoint and watch it unfold. Don't contribute to it or say anything. Just let it happen and then when it's over say. "I don't like it when you talk to me that way. I want you to be nice to me and what happened just now really hurt".

We have the ability to teach people how to treat us and we should....and we shouldn't take responsibility for others actions....only for our own feelings about how they treat us. It takes time but if you keep after it like this you will lead your dad in understanding his own pain and you will grow in the likeness of Jesus.

 

[Rosesrock]

Hey everyone,

So I have my dad and many issues with him and I just need advice and help and prayer and I don't even know what else. My dad is Hispanic and 39 years old. But we have come into some really big problems with his anger. You see whenever he gets angry at me he just can't seem to control it in any sense of the word. If i do something he doesn't like he just explodes with rage. If i disobey him or forget to do a chore ( I have ADHD so its hard to focus) he calls me useless. If something isn't "just so" he doesn't like it and I suffer. He tells me he loves and i don't doubt it but then why does he do this? Why does he call me an idiot because i bought my gf of a year a 200$ ring originally at $1,200? And then to top it off he ALWAYS calls me names when I forget to do something (which im getting better at) He calls me useless, dead weight, lazy, ungrateful, not helpful, etc. And this takes a toll on me, i try to tell him he's hurting our relationship but he thinks that it's my fault and that he has no part to play in it. I mean if he did, wouldn't see what this had done to me instead of acting like im normal when clearly this has ha d a negative impact?

Another thing also is he has NO idea on how to talk. MY gf has anxiety depression ptsd and so much more and he doesn't see past her disability

Hey TS, I'm going to encourage you to look at it this way. Instead of asking what is your dad's responsibility, Let's see what yours is....are you a child of God? Are you being an obedient child doing what your supposed to do according to God's word? If so, that's great. I know we all want acceptance from our parents and sometimes it's hard, especially if you're a people pleaser, but the only person you are to please is God. Now, children obey your parents in the Lord is real,but so is verbal abuse.
In my 23 years marriage my husband has not been a great listener,nor is good at understanding where our kids are coming from. Sweetie, parenting is hard. I would also encourage wise counsel from someone you are close to.
Prayer is wonderful but sometimes actions to make things better is the first step. Open communication in front of a pastor or someone to hold him accountable for his actions. Sounds like healing needs to happen.

 

[Shannon50]

Hey Buddy, Sorry that things are tough. I see you are 21, and you mention your dad getting mad at you when you've forgotten to do a chore-- do you still live at home?
See, the problem is, you are a man, and your dad is a man, and yet he will always see you as a child unless you learn to live on your own two feet.
Are you contributing financially? --Because it costs a lot to house and feed an adult. Your dad doesn't have a right to yell at you, but if you aren't contributing financially (and buying rings for your girlfriend), nor are you "remembering" to do your chores then he has a reason to be upset. If you want to be treated like a man, step up and act like one. This is biblical.

If you have difficulty remembering long lists of chores, ask your father to sit down and write out a list of what he expects of you everyday. Discuss how much $ you should be bringing in, and look for work. This practical discussion and sorting of things will help your dad become more receptive to hearing about things more emotional (and I know that people with ADHD often have difficulty navigating social relationships.) Good luck.

 

[JFSurvivor]

Hey Buddy, Sorry that things are tough. I see you are 21, and you mention your dad getting mad at you when you've forgotten to do a chore-- do you still live at home?
See, the problem is, you are a man, and your dad is a man, and yet he will always see you as a child unless you learn to live on your own two feet.
Are you contributing financially? --Because it costs a lot to house and feed an adult. Your dad doesn't have a right to yell at you, but if you aren't contributing financially (and buying rings for your girlfriend), nor are you "remembering" to do your chores then he has a reason to be upset. If you want to be treated like a man, step up and act like one. This is biblical.

If you have difficulty remembering long lists of chores, ask your father to sit down and write out a list of what he expects of you everyday. Discuss how much $ you should be bringing in, and look for work. This practical discussion and sorting of things will help your dad become more receptive to hearing about things more emotional (and I know that people with ADHD often have difficulty navigating social relationships.) Good luck.

Umm....well I think this is more than that....yes it's biblical to help around the house and contribute fincially but why are you jumping to conclusions that he's lazy? Maybe he DOES have a job! Maybe he DOES pay for stuff! You have no clue! Also it is not Biblical to put your own son down and call him horrible names for forgetting to do like one thing. It's not Biblical to get mad for no reason and then make everyone else suffer because YOU'RE having a bad day! That's what his dad is doing! Sorry if that was harsh but I have seen a dad like this in action and it's not pretty!

 

[Shannon50]

Umm....well I think this is more than that....yes it's biblical to help around the house and contribute fincially but why are you jumping to conclusions that he's lazy? Maybe he DOES have a job! Maybe he DOES pay for stuff! You have no clue! Also it is not Biblical to put your own son down and call him horrible names for forgetting to do like one thing. It's not Biblical to get mad for no reason and then make everyone else suffer because YOU'RE having a bad day! That's what his dad is doing! Sorry if that was harsh but I have seen a dad like this in action and it's not pretty!

That's not harsh-- that's true-- you are right, as I said in my post he doesn't have a right to call names. And you are right, I don't know if he is helping around the house (he just said when he forgets something his dad gets mad) and I don't know if he is contribuiting financially. What you said is all true. But if he isn't doing those things, then that could be the reason Dad is so frustrated. FYI, I wasn't trying to insinuate that he is lazy. Just that rules/ expectations change when people grow up, and sometimes those aren't communicated well. Pple can end up stressed out, and hurt each other.

 

[Sirk]

That's not harsh-- that's true-- you are right, as I said in my post he doesn't have a right to call names. And you are right, I don't know if he is helping around the house (he just said when he forgets something his dad gets mad) and I don't know if he is contribuiting financially. What you said is all true. But if he isn't doing those things, then that could be the reason Dad is so frustrated. FYI, I wasn't trying to insinuate that he is lazy. Just that rules/ expectations change when people grow up, and sometimes those aren't communicated well. Pple can end up stressed out, and hurt each other.

Hurting people hurt people.

 

[TwilightSparkle]

That's not harsh-- that's true-- you are right, as I said in my post he doesn't have a right to call names. And you are right, I don't know if he is helping around the house (he just said when he forgets something his dad gets mad) and I don't know if he is contribuiting financially. What you said is all true. But if he isn't doing those things, then that could be the reason Dad is so frustrated. FYI, I wasn't trying to insinuate that he is lazy. Just that rules/ expectations change when people grow up, and sometimes those aren't communicated well. Pple can end up stressed out, and hurt each other.

Well I'm paying for my college but I do pay my phone bill and also lend my parents money when they need it and help it groceries. But when I say forget something I mean that let's say I have to fix the sink and it takes me longer than I thought but my dad had told me he wanted me to fix the swing outside as well. What ends up happening us I get the sink done but because it took me so long I couldn't get to the swing. Then proceeds yelling

 

[Rosesrock]

Well I'm paying for my college but I do pay my phone bill and also lend my parents money when they need it and help it groceries. But when I say forget something I mean that let's say I have to fix the sink and it takes me longer than I thought but my dad had told me he wanted me to fix the swing outside as well. What ends up happening us I get the sink done but because it took me so long I couldn't get to the swing. Then proceeds yelling

Again, I realize that most of us want to be validated for our hurt feelings, I think counseling would be profitable, in both sides. Is he a believer? If not, he's doing what unsaved people do. And as Sirk said, hurting people hurt people

 

[iveseenworse]

i think this is deep enough for a professional. it could be complicated. i think if dad expects to have a good relationship in the future he better start making GOOD memories as he lets you go into independence. it's been my experience that anger is the result of unmet expectations.

 

[TwilightSparkle]

Again, I realize that most of us want to be validated for our hurt feelings, I think counseling would be profitable, in both sides. Is he a believer? If not, he's doing what unsaved people do. And as Sirk said, hurting people hurt people

I mean he believes in god and the bible but he's catholic., doesn't read his bible, doesn't attend mass. So I don't know if he's classified as a believer. Maybe he is? I don't know. And I honestly don't think he's as Mucha believer as he thinks himself to be. Either that or he doesn't care enough

 

[tenderhearted]

I'm so sorry that you have had to endure this emotional abuse. My heart breaks for all people who have had to deal with this. My own husband was emotionally abused by his dad. His dad has bipolar and is an angry man. There comes a time when you can no longer put up with this kind of treatment. You will have to separate from your father so that you can have time to heal. People seem to think that to honor your parent you have to be passive and put up with abuse. That is false. God would never want you to put up with abuse. Sounds to me like you have already tried to put up boundary and he still continues to disrespect you. I think it's time for you to move out of your father's home and put some space between the two of you. A way that you can honor your father is by living your life in a way that honors God.

My husband had to put distance between him and his father because he was very hurtful toward my husband. It was getting to the point where he was getting anxious and depressed behind this. The LORD assured him that he was doing the right thing. My husband went to a Christian counselor and the counselor also told him that he did the right thing. My husband is at peace which is key.

Pray about this situation. I will be praying for you.

 

[atwhatcost]

Hey everyone,

So I have my dad and many issues with him and I just need advice and help and prayer and I don't even know what else. My dad is Hispanic and 39 years old. But we have come into some really big problems with his anger. You see whenever he gets angry at me he just can't seem to control it in any sense of the word. If i do something he doesn't like he just explodes with rage. If i disobey him or forget to do a chore ( I have ADHD so its hard to focus) he calls me useless. If something isn't "just so" he doesn't like it and I suffer. He tells me he loves and i don't doubt it but then why does he do this? Why does he call me an idiot because i bought my gf of a year a 200$ ring originally at $1,200? And then to top it off he ALWAYS calls me names when I forget to do something (which im getting better at) He calls me useless, dead weight, lazy, ungrateful, not helpful, etc. And this takes a toll on me, i try to tell him he's hurting our relationship but he thinks that it's my fault and that he has no part to play in it. I mean if he did, wouldn't see what this had done to me instead of acting like im normal when clearly this has ha d a negative impact?

Another thing also is he has NO idea on how to talk. MY gf has anxiety depression ptsd and so much more and he doesn't see past her disability

Get out! And, no that wasn't a cliche, that's honest-to-goodness advice. Why live in a stink when you can move out?

You're 21, and, yes, going to school, but if you learn to live cheaper, you can get a small room at school and be on your own. (Live cheaper -- don't get your gf a $200 ring. She's good people. She understands money is tight and she wants the best for you. Swap the phone for a cheaper phone. I have Consumer Cellular, and it costs $14 a month plus a quarter a phone call. That phone bill could be used to pay for that small room at college. I also have the option to take my Magic Jack and put it on my cellphone. So for a grand total of $210 a year, I've got phone coverage.)

Got to tell you, father's don't change. He's going to be hard to deal with for the rest of your life, but at least you aren't forced to deal with him 24/7. You are 21. You can get out. And you have a wonderful gf willing to help. It's worth living on SpaghettiOs with little meatball, just to have peace and quiet when you eat them.

Some day, and you'll be surprised how quickly that day will come, you'll be able to afford to give her nice things. Little do you know, she really thinks you're the best thing she could ever get, so she doesn't care about the "nice things" as much as she cares about you. I know she's told you this. Listen to her. Always nice to spend more time listening to people who think you are worth something than wasting that time listening to someone who doesn't. Make that your motivation to get out.

You won't be the first poor college student, and you won't be the last. Many of us made it before you. Use that to give yourself the confidence to move out. It's just so much better when you're big plan was to clean your bathroom and go grocery shopping, only to realize you forgot to clean the bathroom after grocery shopping, but no one is going to yell at you for forgetting!

I have a dad something like yours. The last time he yelled at me for something I forgot to do around the house was in 1976. Sure, he still complains about other stuff I do wrong, but it's not every single day. And it's still lovely not to have it every single day.

 

[atwhatcost]

I mean he believes in god and the bible but he's catholic., doesn't read his bible, doesn't attend mass. So I don't know if he's classified as a believer. Maybe he is? I don't know. And I honestly don't think he's as Mucha believer as he thinks himself to be. Either that or he doesn't care enough

Same as my dad. No, he's not a believer. His faith is in the Catholic Church. Wrong place to put the faith. (Ack, it's just easier to tell you that, than you spending another 30 years trying to figure that one out. At least, that's how long it took me. If you want to know for sure, ask him where he's going when he dies and what he'll do there. Then ask him what he thinks of Adam and Eve? If he thinks they're just an analogy, then ask what he thinks of Moses. My dad thinks he's spending eternity visiting stars, and all those people in the OT were simply pretend to appease the simple minded.)

 

[JFSurvivor]

Get out! And, no that wasn't a cliche, that's honest-to-goodness advice. Why live in a stink when you can move out?

You're 21, and, yes, going to school, but if you learn to live cheaper, you can get a small room at school and be on your own. (Live cheaper -- don't get your gf a $200 ring. She's good people. She understands money is tight and she wants the best for you. Swap the phone for a cheaper phone. I have Consumer Cellular, and it costs $14 a month plus a quarter a phone call. That phone bill could be used to pay for that small room at college. I also have the option to take my Magic Jack and put it on my cellphone. So for a grand total of $210 a year, I've got phone coverage.)

Got to tell you, father's don't change. He's going to be hard to deal with for the rest of your life, but at least you aren't forced to deal with him 24/7. You are 21. You can get out. And you have a wonderful gf willing to help. It's worth living on SpaghettiOs with little meatball, just to have peace and quiet when you eat them.

Some day, and you'll be surprised how quickly that day will come, you'll be able to afford to give her nice things. Little do you know, she really thinks you're the best thing she could ever get, so she doesn't care about the "nice things" as much as she cares about you. I know she's told you this. Listen to her. Always nice to spend more time listening to people who think you are worth something than wasting that time listening to someone who doesn't. Make that your motivation to get out.

You won't be the first poor college student, and you won't be the last. Many of us made it before you. Use that to give yourself the confidence to move out. It's just so much better when you're big plan was to clean your bathroom and go grocery shopping, only to realize you forgot to clean the bathroom after grocery shopping, but no one is going to yell at you for forgetting!

I have a dad something like yours. The last time he yelled at me for something I forgot to do around the house was in 1976. Sure, he still complains about other stuff I do wrong, but it's not every single day. And it's still lovely not to have it every single day.

LISTEN TO THIS PERSON!!!!!!!