Husband Needs Advice

[Shawntampa]

I have a problem I have put financial burdens on my family ie Wife 3 small children, I was a full time I.T consultant and for 3 years I have been an exotic car builder. I would buy wrecked cars rebuild them and sell them and I would sell the spare parts etc. but never really gaining any ground profit wise so steady my debt has grown. I always make our house rent and my shop rent and I would put parts to repair these cars on our credit cards. I recently had a car that the owner of one of these cars owes me 22K in repairs this would have cleared a large portion of my debt and all would be fine but instead of paying me he took a bond to the clerk of the court and now I have to sue him to get this bond. now he is a lawyer and fighting a lawyer is really pointless they know the law and what he is tring to do is wittle the amount down where I would only get a portion of my owed money. This credit card debt has been building up since I started the shop but I keep trucking because I am no longer doing I.T work. My wife has held her job strong and true, and we were expecting a 5K tax return, it seems that in 2012 we under filed and we owe the IRS 10K, we find out today that they are keeping our 5K return and subtracting it from the 10K. so we still owe 5K in IRS debt including our 28K credit card debt, she is pissed and now with great emotions tells me she cant do this anymore and she says if we didn't have kids she would want a divorce she says she feels empty and alone and she doesn't want to live like this anymore. I love my wife my kids and our life I don't want it to change but she also said that she still loves me but she doesn't love me. She doesn't want to cuddle me because of the stress of being the full time employed spouse while I am home raising the kids and I smell like cigarettes . I was raised that the man pays for everything. I asked if I can pay off the debt will the stress and burden be lifted she says yes, I then ask can I build the love back up she says she doesn't know. I cant see myself without her as she is a good women and makes me a better person in general. I don't want my kids to grow up without 2 parents and not some current BF in the middle of them. I desperately need advise to save my marriage and don't know what to do. I decided to close my shop as to not add anymore debt, I am selling everything in my shop off to try and bring the debt down for good. our son 4 years old will start kindergarden in 3 months but the school he will be forced to attend is not a very good one and I fear he will go down the wrong path. so we decided before all this IRS stuff happened to move to her home state so that all 3 of our kids will go to the best schools and her family is large so they will have plenty of support from all the grandparents and cousins etc. vs here where they have my parents and that's it. I asked her if she would go to marriage counsuling she said yes, she is very Christian and doesn't like the idea of divorce but everyone has their breaking point. I hope my grammar and sentence structure doesn't offend anyone but I am desperate to save my wifes happiness as she said she has not been happy in a while, this tore me up inside to hear that. I have a heart of gold and I think that sometimes this gets me into bad situations as I trust everyone. Like this guy taking his car from me without paying and no I have to pony up money to sue him to get my money or at least part of it. I don't know where else to turn for advise any question about my situation please ask me I will be glad to tell. What should I do? "Help me reddit your my only hope "

 

[1joseph]

Shawn,

Get into God's word for encouragement and to find answers. Spend time talking to Him. Ask Him questions. And put God first in your life. Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. As a Christian, this is His promise to you.

It may be that God is trying to get your attention. Seeking Him will give you the answers to your problems. In Him you will find peace, true peace. Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Seek Him first and all things will be added unto you, brother. So, start with God, for He cares for you...and your family.

"Father, show Shawn the way to you and out of his 'mess'. In Jesus name. Amen."

Hang in there. We are all living in a sin stained world with our own set of problems. I have some of my own, but I have His peace through it.

God bless you.

 

[cinder]

I have a problem I have put financial burdens on my family ie Wife 3 small children, I was a full time I.T consultant and for 3 years I have been an exotic car builder. I would buy wrecked cars rebuild them and sell them and I would sell the spare parts etc. but never really gaining any ground profit wise so steady my debt has grown. I always make our house rent and my shop rent and I would put parts to repair these cars on our credit cards.

I recently had a car that the owner of one of these cars owes me 22K in repairs this would have cleared a large portion of my debt and all would be fine but instead of paying me he took a bond to the clerk of the court and now I have to sue him to get this bond. now he is a lawyer and fighting a lawyer is really pointless they know the law and what he is tring to do is wittle the amount down where I would only get a portion of my owed money. This credit card debt has been building up since I started the shop but I keep trucking because I am no longer doing I.T work.

My wife has held her job strong and true, and we were expecting a 5K tax return, it seems that in 2012 we under filed and we owe the IRS 10K, we find out today that they are keeping our 5K return and subtracting it from the 10K. so we still owe 5K in IRS debt including our 28K credit card debt, she is pissed and now with great emotions tells me she cant do this anymore and she says if we didn't have kids she would want a divorce she says she feels empty and alone and she doesn't want to live like this anymore.

I love my wife my kids and our life I don't want it to change but she also said that she still loves me but she doesn't love me. She doesn't want to cuddle me because of the stress of being the full time employed spouse while I am home raising the kids and I smell like cigarettes . I was raised that the man pays for everything. I asked if I can pay off the debt will the stress and burden be lifted she says yes, I then ask can I build the love back up she says she doesn't know. I cant see myself without her as she is a good women and makes me a better person in general. I don't want my kids to grow up without 2 parents and not some current BF in the middle of them.

I desperately need advise to save my marriage and don't know what to do. I decided to close my shop as to not add anymore debt, I am selling everything in my shop off to try and bring the debt down for good. our son 4 years old will start kindergarden in 3 months but the school he will be forced to attend is not a very good one and I fear he will go down the wrong path. so we decided before all this IRS stuff happened to move to her home state so that all 3 of our kids will go to the best schools and her family is large so they will have plenty of support from all the grandparents and cousins etc. vs here where they have my parents and that's it.

I asked her if she would go to marriage counsuling she said yes, she is very Christian and doesn't like the idea of divorce but everyone has their breaking point. I hope my grammar and sentence structure doesn't offend anyone but I am desperate to save my wifes happiness as she said she has not been happy in a while, this tore me up inside to hear that. I have a heart of gold and I think that sometimes this gets me into bad situations as I trust everyone. Like this guy taking his car from me without paying and no I have to pony up money to sue him to get my money or at least part of it. I don't know where else to turn for advise any question about my situation please ask me I will be glad to tell. What should I do? "Help me reddit your my only hope "

Well, I've never been married but practical advice.

1) Do everything you can to pay off your debt. And study up on financial management (Dave Ramsey is a popular author on that topic). If there's someone in your church who will help with this for free, get their help. There's also a ton of stuff online. Do this in joint discussion with your wife, but let her see that you are fully committed to pay off this debt and help your family get back on firm financial footing. Closing the shop was a good move (no income is more than negative income), if the cigarette smell is coming from your own smoking then being able to give up that (or even cut back) and put that money towards debt would be wonderful as well (a pack a day habit (assuming a price of $6 per pack) will cost you roughly $180 per month or $2190 per year).

2) Find ways to pick up on your wife's signals. She has been stressed and unhappy for a while by her own admission, and it sounds like you either didn't notice or didn't realize how much it was bothering her. Not trying to make you feel horrible about it, but this is key because communication starts here. Find some creative and inexpensive ways to romance her and win her back. Let her know through your words and actions how much of a priority she is to you.

3) If you haven't yet, get some legal advice (maybe you can even find it cheap or free) on what you can do about the money you are owed. While I see the wisdom of not pursuing legal action if it is likely to end up only increasing your debt and worsening your financial situation, please don't give up without getting good advice about what your options are just because he's a lawyer and knows more about the law than you do. And a portion is better than nothing, even if it isn't what you should receive.

4) Paragraphs. They make long posts so much easier to read

 

[AbundantLivingWorship]

What should I do?

Sit down with your wife and get you a piece of paper and a pen.

Ask her to tell you everything you are doing that is wrong

and you need to make a change.

write down what ever she tells you.

Then ask her to tell you what you are doing that is right

and you need to keep doing.

write down what she tells you.

Carry this list around with you all the time and look at it

every day off an on all day long.

The things she told you you are doing wrong...STOP DOING THEM.

The things she told you that you are doing right...DO THEM EVEN MORE.


DON'T TALK IT....WALK IT.

Then when you get out of this mess that you brought upon yourself.

NEVER EVER FORGET IT.

AND NEVER EVER DO THAT TO YOURSELF AGAIN.

 

[GodIsSalvation]

It might take a bit of researching, but this is a useful website that might help you.

https://www.cfda.gov/

 

[JesusLives]

Dear Father In Heaven

Please give our brother wisdom in how to handle what he has explained to us here. Please help things to happen to make his marriage strong. He needs help and I ask that You guide him and help him to take the necessary steps in order to be debt free. Help in this situation where he is owed money and the person that owes this money help their conscience to bother them until they clear up this debt.

Give him and his wife patience and love toward one another and help this stressful situation to ease. Help them to both grow strong in You and that they will lean on You to help them at this stressful time. Build their faith and trust and allow You to work in their lives. I pray in Jesus Name Amen.

 

[Shawntampa]

thank you guys for the fast response I hope that god can forgive me for this debt, stress, hurt feelings I have caused my wife.
She is my best friend and only friend LOL I have. I hope she can forgive me and have the love grow back in her heart.

thank you for your prayers this mean a lot to me. She says words are not enough she needs to see action or footsteps in the right direction I hope I can make these steps in time to save the marriage

any other thoughts or passages from the bible that will help me please share.

again thank you guys/gals

 

[Rosesrock]

Hugs to you.....pray believing. Stop saying i hope....that's not faith. We rob God of so many blessings, or credit when we say well God, I hope you'll answer. I know you're in a tough stop, but this didn't hapoen yesterday and over time you can correct it. The first step was you being repentant. Go You. Now, get busy and pray.
And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.matt 21:22

 

[atwhatcost]

I suspect you're not hearing your wife clearly. She doesn't hate you. She hates the stress of the ever-mounting debt and that she feels responsible for bringing in the money. Debt is a very heavy weight. It wasn't her causing that debt, so she does justly blame you, which mixes up the love she has for you with the hate she has for this much debt. You're not very good with money. That can probably be said about 75% of Americans anymore.

You don't need a marriage counselor. You need a money counselor. You need someone to teach you how to manage money better. Oh, and then the really hard part -- you have to do what that person teaches you to do.

You're worried about the debt you're in now? Ha! It can get much worse than this. Did you know that 30% of working aged Americans become disabled for five months or longer? What happens if you're the 30%er? What happens if she is? What happens if both of you are? (That last one happened with hubby and me, so I really do know the pressing weight of debt.)

So, you're in a church, right? Most churches have treasurers to keep the books and deal with the money. Do you know who that is in your church? How is that person at keeping his/her finances in life? If the treasurer is good at being responsible for his/her own finances as well as the church's finances, ask for help with yours. (If the person isn't, then your church made a bad decision.)

If he/she isn't good at teaching someone how to do it, since he/she learned from someone, see if you can learn who that person learned from.

Good thing about church. There's usually someone who knows what you need to know, and if there isn't, there are enough people in church to network with to find that person you need now.

This isn't a marriage problem, other than the stress is simply too much for your wife. Someone, somewhere can teach you how to make your money work better for you, can give you a 5-year plan, or 10-year plan on how to get out of debt, and, more important, how to save.

As for your child going to kindergarten next year? You don't need the best kindergarten ever to teach your child. They didn't even have kindergartens 65 years ago. You're the stay-at-home Dad. You teach your child what the school doesn't.

 

[Shawntampa]

im a nervous wreck still awake from yesterday and had to come to shop tohis morning to finsh the last exotic sportscar that is here. no more new customers. wife woke up today was in a better mood we are gonna try and talk to someone at church in the morning. lucky my parents took the kids yesterday to spend the night they didn't have to hear us.
we deeply care about our kids we are good parents

im so sad guys.

 

[Dan58]

I'd go after the lawyer who burned you for 22k.. Don't be intimidated, hire another attorney and sue him. I'm not sure what that business with the bond is about, but hopefully you've got something in writing that shows all the repairs you did on his car. It doesn't matter if he's a lawyer, he doesn't get work done for free. Your attorney fee's will be included in your suit, so you should get the full amount your owed. But of course, you've got to be able to prove your case. You may be too nice of a guy and trust people too much, never give a person the keys to their car until the bill is paid in full. The guy will likely claim that the work was unsatisfactory or something, but don't wimp-out, go after that s.o.b. "The worker deserves his wages." (1 Timothy 5:18).

You might want to cut-up some credit cards and put yourself on a budget. Go over all this with the wife and show her your serious about getting rid of the IRS debt and going after that deadbeat lawyer. I'm sure she's just tired of working her butt off and not ever being able to tread water. Your losses are depressing her. But your not experiencing anything that thousands of other people are also going through, the answer is simply self-discipline and responsibility. If you don't have the money to pay for something outright, don't charge it.

Also, I wouldn't sell your equipment if you can make money with it. Your allowing a crooked lawyer to put you out of business. Few people succeed the first time they try to start a business, but learn from your mistakes and move forward. You seem to have a passion for rebuilding cars, but the business side of it is tough and all the guys I know who do it usually don't break even. As Richard Raulings of Fast & Loud says; "You don't make money when you sell a car, you make money when you buy it".

 

[NewWine]

Women often (not always but often) equate security with happiness. The more insecure she feels financially the further from you she may feel. Perhaps the two of you could attend a Godly financial class together...Along with a daily or weekly Bible marriage study Rely on God to bring you two in agreement on these things and to repair your marriage (with your work of course), by guiding each of your steps. She can find the security she seeks in you, as long as you both keep God first in your marriage.
You may want to sit down together every month and write out a budget. List all your monthly needs:rent, utilities, food, gas and car needs and so on, then list all your debts' total amounts. Stick to the budget STRICTLY! You both have a say, but you both need to work it. This will do two things for your family. One it will let you see where you can cut back or where you're wasting money. Two: it will show you monthly how just throwing a little money each month toward your debt makes those numbers go down quickly. Add nothing to the credit cards ESPECIALLY during this time of reducing your debt, but even after would be great.
I hope this helps.....Peace!!

 

[1joseph]

im a nervous wreck still awake from yesterday and had to come to shop tohis morning to finsh the last exotic sportscar that is here. no more new customers. wife woke up today was in a better mood we are gonna try and talk to someone at church in the morning. lucky my parents took the kids yesterday to spend the night they didn't have to hear us.
we deeply care about our kids we are good parents

im so sad guys.

It's OK to be sad, brother. You are taking steps in the right direction to get the financial situation resolved. This is great, since it seems to be the main troubling issue in your and your family's relationships. You are making life changes, from what you like to do to what you need to do for your family. You are willing to do this because you love them. All these things add up to you being on the right track for positive change in you relationships and your life.

In a situation like yours its hard at first--you just want the issue gone, now! But that isn't reality. Do not look at how far you have to go to resolve this, because it will mire you in a bog of misery and despair. Just focus on making good decisions today and getting through this day. And do that each day. Down the road you will look back and see progress, and it will feel good!

So, one day at a time brother, loving your wife, loving your kids, making good decisions, and loving and thanking God for what you have. Think positive...be positive. You serve a mighty, loving God. He has blessed you my friend, and He will not let you down, guaranteed. He loves you so much that He is going to move mountains for your and your family's good. I believe that! You believe it too. OK? Man...you've got some mighty blessings coming your way. I can feel it in my spirit. It may or may not be today or tomorrow, I don't know, but it's coming. I know it.

God bless you, my brother. Where you are weak He is strong. Hallelujah!

*Also, ask a lawyer about bankruptcy, if you haven't. If you qualify, they can tell you what to do.

May our gracious Lord's peace be upon you and your family, turning this to this .

 

[atwhatcost]

im a nervous wreck still awake from yesterday and had to come to shop tohis morning to finsh the last exotic sportscar that is here. no more new customers. wife woke up today was in a better mood we are gonna try and talk to someone at church in the morning. lucky my parents took the kids yesterday to spend the night they didn't have to hear us.
we deeply care about our kids we are good parents

im so sad guys.

Here's some encouragement. Think of your debt like a mortgage. When most of us buy a house that mortgage makes us gag a little. So much money to pay! How can it be paid off? Easy answer and hard answer -- consistently over a long period of time. Comparatively, your debt isn't the size of the mortgage. Don't you wish you could buy a house for only $40,000 now? That's all you owe. MUCH cheaper than a mortgage!

So go learn how to manage money better, and whoever teaches you that, also teaches you how much you can pay off of that debt each month. Hopefully you can get an amortization report to let you see what's your debt-free date. (Better yet, get that $22,000 out of the cheap-scape lawyer, so you have about the price of a mid-size family car to pay off.)

Once you get a plan to pay off the debt, the weight on your wife's shoulder lessens.

 

[atwhatcost]

It's OK to be sad, brother. You are taking steps in the right direction to get the financial situation resolved. This is great, since it seems to be the main troubling issue in your and your family's relationships. You are making life changes, from what you like to do to what you need to do for your family. You are willing to do this because you love them. All these things add up to you being on the right track for positive change in you relationships and your life.

In a situation like yours its hard at first--you just want the issue gone, now! But that isn't reality. Do not look at how far you have to go to resolve this, because it will mire you in a bog of misery and despair. Just focus on making good decisions today and getting through this day. And do that each day. Down the road you will look back and see progress, and it will feel good!

So, one day at a time brother, loving your wife, loving your kids, making good decisions, and loving and thanking God for what you have. Think positive...be positive. You serve a mighty, loving God. He has blessed you my friend, and He will not let you down, guaranteed. He loves you so much that He is going to move mountains for your and your family's good. I believe that! You believe it too. OK? Man...you've got some mighty blessings coming your way. I can feel it in my spirit. It may or may not be today or tomorrow, I don't know, but it's coming. I know it.

God bless you, my brother. Where you are weak He is strong. Hallelujah!

*Also, ask a lawyer about bankruptcy, if you haven't. If you qualify, they can tell you what to do.

May our gracious Lord's peace be upon you and your family, turning this to this .

I respectfully disagree with the bankruptcy advice. We're in our late 50s, so if our credit is bad, well, how much do we need good credit anymore? He's 39 with a wife and little kids in the house. If he goes bankrupt, there goes any chance of ever buying a house, putting kids through college, helping with the kids' weddings, and spoiling grandkids by helping them in college. They say bankruptcy only affects credit for 10 years. Twelve years for us, and we're still considered terrible risks. We're never getting out because there was some paperwork we needed from our lawyer, but he died before we got it. (Doesn't matter, since we're never getting another house.)

Besides, bankruptcy is when there is no way out, not for when it feels like it will take forever to get out. If we buy something on credit, we give our word to pay it back. That's supposed to mean something, especially since we're Christians. (We would have paid our creditors back, if both of us didn't become disabled and we lost everything but the house.)

 

[sassylady]

Women need to feel secure and if I was your wife I would be feeling extremely insecure. You need to get out of the business you are doing and get a job and get the debt paid off. I agree, sit down with your wife as Abundantlivingworship says. Find somebody to help you come up with a plan together even if you have to downsize a great deal to do so, and get all of you back together under one roof. God does not want you in that kind of debt and with Him at the center of the marriage He will make a way for everything to be taken care above and beyond what you could ask.