Do we have to love our parents?

[LeeLoving]

First of all I love my father. This thread has nothing to do with him.

This is about my mother, who as far as I can see is a narcissistic alcoholic. She has done so many bad things the past 12 years that I wouldn't be able to remember them all. The worst thing she has done though is drinking with my younger brother. He has fetal alcohol spectrum disorder. My brother is bright though and while a little awkward sometimes I know he has a great life ahead of him and I will always try to stay involved. My mother has never apologized though, she is completely guilty and has never said a thing to make him feel better. She does this with everything. I don't really want to go through a list of things she has done but she is basically a brick wall when you go to her with something she shouldn't have done. She'll either ignore you or somehow twist it around so you feel bad. It is like this with everything. I literally cannot remember a time when she was genuinely sorry for something she had done.

How can I love my mother when she is like this? I have talked to my psychiatrist about her and I even went so far to say that some of her behaviour is sociopathic. How could I say something like that about my mother??? Am I crazy or super sensitive or just a bad son??? I'm absolutely confused when it comes to her. I feel like I need to leave her and never talk to her again. The worst part for me though is that I live with her. I have been trying to get my own apartment but it's so difficult to do because I feel so bad all the time. In the past week she has probably been drunk everyday and a few days ago some people she brought home robbed some of my brothers belongings. As far as I know, no real apology was made. Just a simple "I'll replace what they stole". I didn't even know it happened until my brother brought it up. Shouldn't she be making me aware and apologizing for letting them in the house? I don't even know.

Today I had to talk to the police about her (this has happened many times) because she tried to steal someones jacket. The man ended up getting his jacket back thanks to the police, but nothing bad happened to her. She gets away with everything, and I think it might reinforce this negative behaviour.

I don't know what else to type but... do I have to love a parent like this? I feel so bad to even have to ask.

 

[FancyNancy]

It's hard to love people who are unlovely, but according to God, we are to give due honour to our parents. He doesn't tell us to muster up loving feelings, but we are to love them by giving them respect that is due them as parents. It's hard, I know, when they may have been our abusers, or they are morally corrupt, but God will bless us when we do it. The commandment that God issues about honouring our parents is the ONLY command that comes with a promise of long life, so if we dishonour our parents, we needn't wonder, when the time comes, why we do not experience long life.

Deuteronomy 5:16
‘Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may be well with you in the land which the Lord your God is giving you.

Ephesians 6:1-3
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. [SUP]2 [/SUP]“Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: [SUP]3 [/SUP]“that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.

 

[Ugly]

I think defining what it means to love someone is a better question. Anymore people seem to think to love someone means to always be nice, considerate, supportive, polite, etc... and while, yes, those are traits of love, they are not the only kinds of ways to love someone. Sometimes love has to be letting go, walking away and leaving a person to handle the consequences of their own choices and actions.
Should you love your parents? Or at least try to? Yes. Should that love mean that you take responsibility for them and their choices? Or that you need to stay with them? Or in contact with them? No. A person who is bad for you is not someone you should be around, period. But neither should that prevent you from not loving them.

As far as how you're talking about your mother, if it's true, and you aren't running around telling everyone, then there's nothing wrong with coming on and discussing her situation while seeking help.
But in regards to labeling her as 'sociopathic' i'd steer clear of such labels. People who are regularly under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol often show many of the kinds of traits your mother shows. More likely she feels guilt and is too proud, or more likely, her self esteem is so low that she can't bring herself to own up to her behavior (the most likely scenario). There may also be a lot of anger, bitterness and resentment from things in her own past that have caused her to build up walls.

If you feel it's best to move out then do so. But at the same time don't disappear from your brother, but keep in touch with him (assuming he's not old enough to move out yet). Don't feel bad for it. Your mother has been a bad mother, and continues to be so. And not just a bad mother but an all around negative influence.

 

[LeeLoving]

Thank you Ugly and FancyNancy.

You're absolutely right, Ugly. I shouldn't be putting labels on my Mom or her behaviour. No good is going to come of that. I'm very angry with her but I need to find a better way to think about things so I don't end up making anything worse.

 

[Angela53510]

I would forgive her, but try and move on. As for your brother, I would imagine she already feels a huge amount of guilt, even if she doesn't say anything about it. If she does not, well, perhaps your labels should stand.

I had to leave home in my teens, because my father was physically abusing me, and my mother defending him. He was a professional football player, so it was no contest as to who got hurt.

It was hard before I became a Christian, but God prompted me to forgive him after I was saved, even though he would never admit what he had done to me. Even my brother confirmed what he had seen.

Over the years, I grew to know my father better. I don't understand why a big bulky football player had to hit his daughter, but I learned about his hurts and disappointments. And I prayed for him for 32 years to be saved.

God blessed me with allowing me to lead him to the Lord, only 5 months before he died. That made everything so worthwhile, and the fact that I had forgiven him many years showed me that not only did my father love me, but God loved me in the perfect way that a Father should love his child.

 

[Rosesrock]

Honor you father and thy mother......bless your heart, im so sorry

Love her, pray for her,but protect yourself

 

[Rosesrock]

Thank you Ugly and FancyNancy.

You're absolutely right, Ugly. I shouldn't be putting labels on my Mom or her behaviour. No good is going to come of that. I'm very angry with her but I need to find a better way to think about things so I don't end up making anything worse.

I will encourage you also to seek advice from your pastor about her behavior, she could be undiagnosed bipolar. Hang in there

 

[Jesus4ever]

I´m so sorry to know that, brother.

Yes, you should love your father and mother, although I believe it´ll be hard taking account your situation. Love her, forgive her and (mostly) pray for her.


I´ll pray for you, brother!

God bless you.

 

[sandtigeress]

loving someone does not mean to always like that person and/or her behaviour.
Loving is more, to want the best for that person,
and that best can be to want her to face consequences and possible therapy
and for you to take care of yourself/your brother.

 

[writetopeoplearoundthewor]

I have been through similar things with my parents and I would highly encourage you to get out of this toxic environment if at all possible. You don't have to be around your mother while she is being drunk and dangerous. When I didn't love my parents I used to ask God to show me how to love them because I hated what they did to all their kids with no remorse. It took along time but one day, and this was really a miracle, he just gave me His forgiveness for them. I didn't even have to do it, it was all him. I had literally, formally divorced myself from them because they made me so sick. Then one day I called them up and told them what God had done and started talking to them again. So find a safer place to live if you can. Stay away from your mom if she is causing you emotional pain. And when you think of it pray about the situation because God has a solution for this situation that you can't even imagine. He doesn't always answer quickly so be patient. He will not abandon you in your time of despair.

 

[carolb]

All God says is we must respect them. Because of them You are here & can bless others.

 

[resurrection33]

First of all I love my father. This thread has nothing to do with him.

This is about my mother, who as far as I can see is a narcissistic alcoholic. She has done so many bad things the past 12 years that I wouldn't be able to remember them all. The worst thing she has done though is drinking with my younger brother. He has fetal alcohol spectrum disorder. My brother is bright though and while a little awkward sometimes I know he has a great life ahead of him and I will always try to stay involved. My mother has never apologized though, she is completely guilty and has never said a thing to make him feel better. She does this with everything. I don't really want to go through a list of things she has done but she is basically a brick wall when you go to her with something she shouldn't have done. She'll either ignore you or somehow twist it around so you feel bad. It is like this with everything. I literally cannot remember a time when she was genuinely sorry for something she had done.

How can I love my mother when she is like this? I have talked to my psychiatrist about her and I even went so far to say that some of her behaviour is sociopathic. How could I say something like that about my mother??? Am I crazy or super sensitive or just a bad son??? I'm absolutely confused when it comes to her. I feel like I need to leave her and never talk to her again. The worst part for me though is that I live with her. I have been trying to get my own apartment but it's so difficult to do because I feel so bad all the time. In the past week she has probably been drunk everyday and a few days ago some people she brought home robbed some of my brothers belongings. As far as I know, no real apology was made. Just a simple "I'll replace what they stole". I didn't even know it happened until my brother brought it up. Shouldn't she be making me aware and apologizing for letting them in the house? I don't even know.

Today I had to talk to the police about her (this has happened many times) because she tried to steal someones jacket. The man ended up getting his jacket back thanks to the police, but nothing bad happened to her. She gets away with everything, and I think it might reinforce this negative behaviour.

I don't know what else to type but... do I have to love a parent like this? I feel so bad to even have to ask.

I think we have the right to feel however we want to about our parents. However, how we treat them and speak of them is a different matter. We are to honor them, as much as it is possible to do.

 

[Tatts]

LeeLoving, to love is not easy. Love without sacrifice equals frustration. Imagine how many times we sin against God yet He doesn't write the sins on our foreheads for everyone to see. The fact that you are making effort to seek advice on how you can make things better is good. Love will not fail you. In life you have to be strong, to be a fighter. There is a blessing in loving and honouring our parents. Loving your parents is good for them and best for you. God knew you before you were born. He could have given you a different mom but the fact that He gave you this one has to be special. There is good in every person, it takes grace and wisdom to see it......your eyes are not enough. Personally, I try to use the little good that I find in a person...I feed that one and soon it grows big enough to suffocate the bad. I have very sensitive and serious issues with my parents but things are changing even if that took years. Pray and continue. God shall not fail you

You can do this!

 

[Omni]

First of all I love my father. This thread has nothing to do with him.

This is about my mother, who as far as I can see is a narcissistic alcoholic. She has done so many bad things the past 12 years that I wouldn't be able to remember them all. The worst thing she has done though is drinking with my younger brother. He has fetal alcohol spectrum disorder. My brother is bright though and while a little awkward sometimes I know he has a great life ahead of him and I will always try to stay involved. My mother has never apologized though, she is completely guilty and has never said a thing to make him feel better. She does this with everything. I don't really want to go through a list of things she has done but she is basically a brick wall when you go to her with something she shouldn't have done. She'll either ignore you or somehow twist it around so you feel bad. It is like this with everything. I literally cannot remember a time when she was genuinely sorry for something she had done.

How can I love my mother when she is like this? I have talked to my psychiatrist about her and I even went so far to say that some of her behaviour is sociopathic. How could I say something like that about my mother??? Am I crazy or super sensitive or just a bad son??? I'm absolutely confused when it comes to her. I feel like I need to leave her and never talk to her again. The worst part for me though is that I live with her. I have been trying to get my own apartment but it's so difficult to do because I feel so bad all the time. In the past week she has probably been drunk everyday and a few days ago some people she brought home robbed some of my brothers belongings. As far as I know, no real apology was made. Just a simple "I'll replace what they stole". I didn't even know it happened until my brother brought it up. Shouldn't she be making me aware and apologizing for letting them in the house? I don't even know.

Today I had to talk to the police about her (this has happened many times) because she tried to steal someones jacket. The man ended up getting his jacket back thanks to the police, but nothing bad happened to her. She gets away with everything, and I think it might reinforce this negative behaviour.

I don't know what else to type but... do I have to love a parent like this? I feel so bad to even have to ask.

You have an obligation to your brother, not your mother, and that's what's bothering you. This isn't about your mother. You're here because you know that if you leave, you'll be leaving him with her. But you can't fix a woman who doesn't want to be fixed. You both deserve better. If you can, get yourself and your brother out of there. Ironically, it's about the only thing that might shake her into getting help.

 

[Ugly]

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