On the brink, need to move forward some direction

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gecko111

Junior Member
#1
Jun 29, 2015
7
3
3
#1
Hello,

I am on the brink of asking for a separation/divorce... I have been married 23 years and have two sons, 18 and 21.

From the beginning of our marriage we started to become estranged. I made mistakes and so did he. Then things continued down hill. I then tried to be a good wife, felt I could change him. I know, I know, only God can change people and only if their free will wants it, right?

Anyway at this stage we haven't said I love you for over 12 years. He has pushed me down once during an argument, Gets angry when I try to talk to him and either walks away, drives away or starts becoming extremely irritated and if I continue to try to talk to him he will curse or use Christ's name in vain to get me to be quiet. No he isn't a Christian and I wasn't the type of Christian I should have been when we married.

If I cry he doesn't comfort me when I have had surgery or am sick I feel like I am an inconvenience to him. When my kids are hurt or sick he is good to them so I know he knows how. My dilemma is how long do I live in this situation. I have already been hospitalized for depression that I feel was brought on by the anxiety over feeling I am stuck in this relationship. I have prayed for us yet it seems that maybe God is showing me that my husband will never change and giving me a reason to leave. Even when I was sitting at our kitchen table, talking to a friend on the phone, telling her I didn't want to live anymore and sobbing, he was sitting in front of the TV. He didn't come out until a local help/intervention group sent someone to my home to screen me for admit to hospital. Then he just said "I hope you can help her because I don't know what to do". I just feel so unloved and uncherished. I am afraid to stay and feel I will eventually end up in the hospital again. Since he won't talk with me about problems we don't discuss it. I just live day to day like a roommate with him. I'm at the point that I don't want to go to counseling my heart doesn't trust him with my feelings... Now I have to decide.
 
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Pilkington

Senior Member
#2
Jan 13, 2015
640
99
28
#2
I don't know what to say accept that I will be praying for you.

We can not change the other person all we can change is how we respond to them.

Would he consider going for relationship counselling with you.
 
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gecko111

Junior Member
#3
Jun 29, 2015
7
3
3
#3
I don't know if he would go to counseling. We tried in the past and he felt "picked on" so we quit.

I don't know if it would help me. Honestly, I have seen him go from being okay with me to being irritable and indifferent so many times that I very afraid to be vulnerable to him. I guess that is called hardening your heart. I call it survival.

These are times I wish I could sit down with God and talk to him. I pray all the time, but I get confused as to what he is directing me to do. I feel like it has been so very long that he has shown me that this is what I will live with if I stay.

Thank you for your prayers.
 
Angela53510

Angela53510

Senior Member
#4
Jan 24, 2011
11,782
2,947
113
#4
Have you thought of telling him that you love him? Maybe start doing special things for him?

I saw the movie the Love Dare, but I have never read the book. It is about a couple that was ready for divorce, and the man started to do the Love Dare for 40 days.

I know you are sad, but you do not have Biblical grounds to divorce, unless he wants to leave. Also, his comment when you were taken to the hospital indicates he is overwhelmed by you. Some men are not super emotional, and don't know how to handle the emotions of others.

I want to encourage you to try different things to save your marriage. I think you sound too fragile to be on your own. Praying for God to touch you and to restore your marriage.
 
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mar09

Senior Member
#5
Sep 17, 2014
4,927
1,259
113
#5
gecko111 said:
I don't know if he would go to counseling. We tried in the past and he felt "picked on" so we quit.

I don't know if it would help me. Honestly, I have seen him go from being okay with me to being irritable and indifferent so many times that I very afraid to be vulnerable to him. I guess that is called hardening your heart. I call it survival.

These are times I wish I could sit down with God and talk to him. I pray all the time, but I get confused as to what he is directing me to do. I feel like it has been so very long that he has shown me that this is what I will live with if I stay.

Thank you for your prayers.
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Just to let you know we hurt with you too. We wish there was something we could do for you, for others, but often God Himself is leading the person-- if we allow Him to. My husband is a believer, but there are times we feel the hurt too when they misunderstand, or when something wrong i chose or did had consequences i never had foreseen. May God hear prayers and touch your life once again, and heal.
 
Dan58

Dan58

Senior Member
#6
Nov 13, 2013
1,991
338
83
#6
gecko111 said:
From the beginning of our marriage we started to become estranged. I made mistakes and so did he. Then things continued down hill. I then tried to be a good wife, felt I could change him. I know, I know, only God can change people and only if their free will wants it, right?

Anyway at this stage we haven't said I love you for over 12 years. He has pushed me down once during an argument, Gets angry when I try to talk to him and either walks away, drives away or starts becoming extremely irritated and if I continue to try to talk to him he will curse or use Christ's name in vain to get me to be quiet. No he isn't a Christian and I wasn't the type of Christian I should have been when we married.
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Stop trying to change him, there's a reason he walks away. Whatever your saying is not being received, but repelled. Maybe he's content with who he is and despises being pressured to change. Sometimes we force our 'wants' onto someone else, and the constant demands overwhelm them. I'm guessing he didn't think he was marrying someone who would be demanding that he change into someone he's not. Try talking to him without requiring anything of him. It almost sounds as though your not getting what you want and are depressing yourself over it? I'm just speculating of course, but since you can't change him, try changing yourself, and I think you may see a more respectful and loving person respond to you? On the other hand, he may just be an uncaring crabby bastard with a temper? :)

I have a couple friends who every time I see or hear from them, they want something. It really burns me out. When I see them coming, I think to myself; "Oh no, what do they want now?". They're very needy and always require something from me. I have other friends who I'm always glad to see, because they never bring their burdens to pawn off onto me. Try being that type of friend to your husband, don't unload on him and see how that works.
 
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tenderhearted

Guest
#7
#7
You were given some good advice on here. Have you also considered getting some counseling for yourself? Being that you suffer from depression and have been hospitalized.

Draw near to God and let Him fill those areas in your life that you want your husband to meet. He can be your everything. Trust him.

Sometimes we can even make our spouses an idol. Don't allow this to absorb your whole life. God has a plan for your life. When we take care of God's business, he is faithful to take care of ours. :)
 
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gecko111

Junior Member
#8
Jun 29, 2015
7
3
3
#8
I am going to counseling. My issue is that there are things we need to talk about, I don't hound him, heck, I barely talk to him now because I don't want to upset him. He just will not discuss anything emotional, period. I have been with him through his porn use, his flirting, his staring at other women... Don't think he uses porn anymore. I have put up with him going to aerobics with a group that has women in it but wouldn't work out with me. I took the verbal cursing at me being pushed down and having him say "If I didn't want you to get up, you wouldn't be getting up"!! Creating an environment where even my sons will say, mom just don't say anymore, when he is getting upset over silly things. I know this is only my perspective but I am really a very nice person and enjoy peoples company. Currently I don't even want to be around him, I get anxious because I can't be myself and talk about anything I want to so I don't upset him. I'm sure he would say I'm a nag and to sensitive. Is a little compassion when I was severely depressed really too much to ask? I am now just doing things that make me happy. Going to church, going to bible study. I avoid being around him and when I do we can co-exist, but is that really a marriage?
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#9
Mar 13, 2014
41,329
16,309
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Tennessee
#9
gecko111 said:
Is a little compassion when I was severely depressed really too much to ask? I am now just doing things that make me happy. Going to church, going to bible study. I avoid being around him and when I do we can co-exist, but is that really a marriage?
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Yes, it is a marriage, albeit an unhappy one. Continue to do those things that bring a certain measure of happiness to you. From what you have wrote I would say that your husband is grossly insensitive to you. Perhaps it is time to move in a more positive direction.

Welcome to CC.
 
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gecko111

Junior Member
#10
Jun 29, 2015
7
3
3
#10
Thank you for the welcome and the response. I am moving in a direction that fills part of my life, drawing closer to God. But the pain of living in an indifferent lonely marriage is tough.
 
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