Marriage Just Not Working

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Brody

Guest
#1
#1
In a difficult spot. I wrote a post prior not too long ago where my spouse and I was trying to figure things out and how I was fighting to overcome my personal struggles of temptation. God has helped me in that area which I'm incredibly grateful of.
We did decide to separate however it seems to be the best choice I can come up with. We are miles apart and so is my kid who is with her. I didn't fight her on this choice I would never want to take my child from it's mom.....unless there was substantial reason. I have explained this to her. However I'm in a bad place. My idea of separating was to find God again; to find where we've messed up and go after Jesus in prayer, study of His word, spending time with God which is all I've been doing more so, work church home prayer that's it. I speak to her everyday so that I can let my kid hear my voice. I called this morning to talk to my child and then possibly let her know that I might be able to bring them home this weekend since I'm off but planned to work some overtime on Saturday so I wasn't sure, so I wanted to see how she felt. Before I could get there she explains to me that she plans to take a trip this weekend to Las Vegas with her single lesbian cousin and friend.
OK! Understand I am the most tolerant and loving person (exaggeration) I know I have not a mean judgmental bone in me. BUT she knows being saved now and married that THIS is not beneficial in any way. She hasn't been in church long but she's known before married that we just don't party anymore especially with our single friends that we USED to do dirt with. When I say my wife is the most insecure human I know, she accuses me of cheating if a woman smiles at me, I've heard cuss women out under her breath for looking at me "too long." She hates it when I even think about hanging out with my single buddies so I don't all for her sake. Now I'm no insecure guy at all, so this isn't reeeally my big issue. 1. I am busting my butt everyday at work in this hot summer sun can't tell you last time I took a trip, all while she sits up under a/c at home all day complaining of not having a job but refuses to look for one. And she wants to go to Vegas on someone else's dime which is despicable to me. 2. I mean come on we're supposed to be doing one thing, get back together not screw around on money we don't have. 3 she plans on leaving my two year old child with her crazy alcoholic mother while she's gone for the 4th. I actually her mom she is a woman about her business don't get me wrong, but she isn't saved and will all sorts of company over and I would kill to protect my child. So I told her to do what she wants I never told her no, but i did say I would go and get my child. Sigh. She then tells me no I'm not, if I drive there I'll be wasting my time. Sigh. I have not spoken to her since and won't. I now am finished with her because she has not only threatened to keep my child from me but after months of explaining my problem with her she chooses to rebel again. I'm not her father so I refuse to deal with this and have my heart torn anymore man. I will be filing here in the next few days and will file for custody so that she would never have the chance to brain wash my kid.
This is sad man but I have to do what to do.
What are your thoughts, am I overreacting?
 
A

AgeofKnowledge

Guest
#2
#2
"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." -Benjamin Franklin
 
CatHerder

CatHerder

Senior Member
#3
Mar 20, 2013
3,551
79
48
#3
There are some things in your post I don't understand:

1. Why are you so concerned about mother and child being separated, but not father and child? Especially when she is living the lifestyle you describe?

2. Why does your spending time with your kid have to be scheduled around your wife's "feelings?"

3. Why do you not put your foot down and insist that the child stay with you while your wife goes on this trip?

4. Being with your wife and working on the marriage would be ideal. If you must separate for a time, being close to your kid would be better than many miles apart. It seems like you are hiding behind spirituality. You can "find God again" while being an active parent and being present enough to show that you are serious about working on whatever strained relationship you have with your wife.
 
K

KJB

Guest
#4
#4
I think it is a difficult situation, but it is something that you must work out and fight for not only because of family and you son having two parents but because marriage is not a trial and run sort of thing. It gets tough, it goes up and way down, but maybe you can talk to your wife and really get through to her. Give her all you got on not wanting to let this go, thinking about your son. Maybe she is suffering from something else such as depression which is keeping her from opening up and telling you how she feels or what she needs to heal. Counseling would do good too, no need to spend money either as talking to someone at church can help too. Both of you need to do some searching and continue to be active parents and active spouses.
 
V

VioletReigns

Guest
#5
#5
God said if we lack wisdom to ask Him and He will give it. I would first ask God to search my heart and reveal any hidden agenda or selfish intention that might be in the way of right judgment. Then I would do exactly what the Holy Spirit puts on my heart.
 
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08111959

Guest
#6
#6
Hi Brody. i too am in the midst of a marriage mess. my husband had an affair with a work colleage. He lied to not just me but to our 2 children. in the end i asked him to leave. For months i shouldered the burden alone. I tried to make sense of it and find my path only to get more hurt and pain. Now i have turned it over to God I feel a greater sense of understanding. i wouldn
't say it has gotten easier but the pain is less. Hand it over to God. and listen really listen to that still small voice. It will help. I promise. God bless you in your struggle. Kaye.
 
B

Brody

Guest
#7
#7
08111959 said:
Hi Brody. i too am in the midst of a marriage mess. my husband had an affair with a work colleage. He lied to not just me but to our 2 children. in the end i asked him to leave. For months i shouldered the burden alone. I tried to make sense of it and find my path only to get more hurt and pain. Now i have turned it over to God I feel a greater sense of understanding. i wouldn
't say it has gotten easier but the pain is less. Hand it over to God. and listen really listen to that still small voice. It will help. I promise. God bless you in your struggle. Kaye.
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I can't thank you enough for saying this, specifically now, today especially has been overwhelmingly tough for me. I will be praying for you as well. Bless you.
 
Consumed

Consumed

Senior Member
#8
Jun 4, 2015
112
1
0
#8
Brody said:
I can't thank you enough for saying this, specifically now, today especially has been overwhelmingly tough for me. I will be praying for you as well. Bless you.
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Seriously? The single comment you acknowledge is the only one that's in support of your actions, and anyone else who actually gave you advice, or questioned your actions in an attempt to give you guidance you completely ignored. If you're not looking for help, don't ask for help, and don't make yourself look more spiritual than you are. Not to mention over half of your initial post was just a complete rip on your wife, do you really think that's the best thing to be doing if you actually want your marriage to be working? The fact is, from what you said, and how you're behaving, you're not even trying. You're not trying to do what's best for your kid, your just stepping aside and making yourself look like a hero saying you don't want your child separated from its mom. Clearly your fine with it being away from you. You also said your child was going to be staying with your alcoholic mother in law? Really? And you can't do anything because your wife said no? What's she going to do? She's out of town, you still have your full rights as a parent, get your lazy butt over there and get your kid and stop making yourself look like a martyr. Be a man.
 
B

Brody

Guest
#9
#9
Consumed said:
Seriously? The single comment you acknowledge is the only one that's in support of your actions, and anyone else who actually gave you advice, or questioned your actions in an attempt to give you guidance you completely ignored. If you're not looking for help, don't ask for help, and don't make yourself look more spiritual than you are. Not to mention over half of your initial post was just a complete rip on your wife, do you really think that's the best thing to be doing if you actually want your marriage to be working? The fact is, from what you said, and how you're behaving, you're not even trying. You're not trying to do what's best for your kid, your just stepping aside and making yourself look like a hero saying you don't want your child separated from its mom. Clearly your fine with it being away from you. You also said your child was going to be staying with your alcoholic mother in law? Really? And you can't do anything because your wife said no? What's she going to do?Sout town, you still have your full rights as a parent, get your lazy butt over there and get your kid and stop making yourself look like a martyr. Be a man.
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OK. I appreciate your comment. I just so happen to read the one comment and where my head is right now, it helped.however you don't know me my friend, I am the dad who will show up with rifles and law enforcement to retrieve anyone dear to me. Now my child is with its mother staying at her mom's. Her mom just drinks and doesn't mind having her drunk family over, she's not a huge alcoholic like it probably sounded, I apologize you took it that way, her mom is level headed for the most part. However I am just trying to think clearly and not act until I am not moving plainly out of emotion. If I go there and she is hiding to keep my child from me, then what do I do? I am currently in the process if gaining temporary custody until I can get an actual court date set for full custody. I have to play smart, because an 'old' me yes would have been there the same day which could have gone very bad. If you disagree give me your suggestion. She has told my other friends that she isn't keeping my kid from me, however I am still taking this before a judge that way the police will back me up, just in case.
 
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Rosesrock

Guest
#11
#11
Um, you asked for the separation. She is out from under your spiritual authority. What did you think was going to happen?? Let you get your head screwed on straight and then fetch her? Nope sorry, this needs to be worked in together. Not individually, a marriage is a partnership
 
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Rosesrock

Guest
#12
#12
Brody said:
OK. I appreciate your comment. I just so happen to read the one comment and where my head is right now, it helped.however you don't know me my friend, I am the dad who will show up with rifles and law enforcement to retrieve anyone dear to me. Now my child is with its mother staying at her mom's. Her mom just drinks and doesn't mind having her drunk family over, she's not a huge alcoholic like it probably sounded, I apologize you took it that way, her mom is level headed for the most part. However I am just trying to think clearly and not act until I am not moving plainly out of emotion. If I go there and she is hiding to keep my child from me, then what do I do? I am currently in the process if gaining temporary custody until I can get an actual court date set for full custody. I have to play smart, because an 'old' me yes would have been there the same day which could have gone very bad. If you disagree give me your suggestion. She has told my other friends that she isn't keeping my kid from me, however I am still taking this before a judge that way the police will back me up, just in case.
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Sounds like you got it all figured out.....just in case you might want to pray about this. Play smart? Youre in defense mode not God mode
 
Consumed

Consumed

Senior Member
#13
Jun 4, 2015
112
1
0
#13
Brody said:
OK. I appreciate your comment. I just so happen to read the one comment and where my head is right now, it helped.however you don't know me my friend, I am the dad who will show up with rifles and law enforcement to retrieve anyone dear to me. Now my child is with its mother staying at her mom's. Her mom just drinks and doesn't mind having her drunk family over, she's not a huge alcoholic like it probably sounded, I apologize you took it that way, her mom is level headed for the most part. However I am just trying to think clearly and not act until I am not moving plainly out of emotion. If I go there and she is hiding to keep my child from me, then what do I do? I am currently in the process if gaining temporary custody until I can get an actual court date set for full custody. I have to play smart, because an 'old' me yes would have been there the same day which could have gone very bad. If you disagree give me your suggestion. She has told my other friends that she isn't keeping my kid from me, however I am still taking this before a judge that way the police will back me up, just in case.
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The confusion about her mother in law being alcoholic, you said in your initial post, she was alcoholic. If her mom drinks, and have friends over that drink, and you feel like you have a better environment for your kid. You take your kid out. If you file for divorce, and your wife hides, or runs off...You can call the police on her...You can get your kid back.

I speak harshly because I may not know you, but I know your situation and you my friend are in danger of becoming way to complacent in this situation if you do not act right now. Stop trying to defend yourself, and just start taking some actions.
 
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Rosesrock

Guest
#14
#14
Consumed said:
The confusion about her mother in law being alcoholic, you said in your initial post, she was alcoholic. If her mom drinks, and have friends over that drink, and you feel like you have a better environment for your kid. You take your kid out. If you file for divorce, and your wife hides, or runs off...You can call the police on her...You can get your kid back.

I speak harshly because I may not know you, but I know your situation and you my friend are in danger of becoming way to complacent in this situation if you do not act right now. Stop trying to defend yourself, and just start taking some actions.
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He's the one that asked for the separation, actually dad's havr no rights if there are no legal separation papers.....even with alcohol around
 
Consumed

Consumed

Senior Member
#15
Jun 4, 2015
112
1
0
#15
Rosesrock said:
He's the one that asked for the separation, actually dad's havr no rights if there are no legal separation papers.....even with alcohol around
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Yes they do. I've witnessed it first hand, and he said he was filing for divorce. Whether or not a court rules in his favor is another matter completely. But if he files, and she's gone, he does have legal rights
 
B

Brody

Guest
#16
#16
CatHerder said:
There are some things in your post I don't understand:

1. Why are you so concerned about mother and child being separated, but not father and child? Especially when she is living the lifestyle you describe?

2. Why does your spending time with your kid have to be scheduled around your wife's "feelings?"

3. Why do you not put your foot down and insist that the child stay with you while your wife goes on this trip?

4. Being with your wife and working on the marriage would be ideal. If you must separate for a time, being close to your kid would be better than many miles apart. It seems like you are hiding behind spirituality. You can "find God again" while being an active parent and being present enough to show that you are serious about working on whatever strained relationship you have with your wife.
Click to expand...
Wow. Some things to definitely consider. I just want peace I guess ultimately but I will go to the end of the world to be my kids dad that's no question I just want to be smart about everything I do. I mean do you understand what I'm saying?
 
B

Brody

Guest
#17
#17
Rosesrock said:
Um, you asked for the separation. She is out from under your spiritual authority. What did you think was going to happen?? Let you get your head screwed on straight and then fetch her? Nope sorry, this needs to be worked in together. Not individually, a marriage is a partnership
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Well yes. I received council from a pastor and wife after I wrote and they said that if we must separate the only grounds to do so was to spend time going after God to get in a better place individually I mean I guess I was wrong.
 
B

Brody

Guest
#18
#18
Rosesrock said:
Sounds like you got it all figured out.....just in case you might want to pray about this. Play smart? Youre in defense mode not God mode
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......true.
 
B

Brody

Guest
#19
#19
Consumed said:
The confusion about her mother in law being alcoholic, you said in your initial post, she was alcoholic. If her mom drinks, and have friends over that drink, and you feel like you have a better environment for your kid. You take your kid out. If you file for divorce, and your wife hides, or runs off...You can call the police on her...You can get your kid back.

I speak harshly because I may not know you, but I know your situation and you my friend are in danger of becoming way to complacent in this situation if you do not act right now. Stop trying to defend yourself, and just start taking some actions.
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Yes sir. I 100% agree.
 
B

Brody

Guest
#20
#20
KJB said:
I think it is a difficult situation, but it is something that you must work out and fight for not only because of family and you son having two parents but because marriage is not a trial and run sort of thing. It gets tough, it goes up and way down, but maybe you can talk to your wife and really get through to her. Give her all you got on not wanting to let this go, thinking about your son. Maybe she is suffering from something else such as depression which is keeping her from opening up and telling you how she feels or what she needs to heal. Counseling would do good too, no need to spend money either as talking to someone at church can help too. Both of you need to do some searching and continue to be active parents and active spouses.
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Yes I want to so desperately to fight for her man I do. I'm crazy in love with her however I am sorely hurt by her actions and have hurt her as well she has told me. Our initial separation was supposed to be just one week, when she got there something in her head turned a different switch on and just went a completely different route. I were supposed to get them this week but that changed almost instantly per her choice. It upsets me and hurts but me showing her means nothing so I avoid expressing this to her. Everything is my fault. Praying about it doesn't seem to help much, honestly speaking.I want God to help me I just don't feel Him. Anyways I will consider your advice because this isn't the first time I've heard this.
 
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