He won't clean, but gets mad when I do

Aqua_Girl09 · Jul 12, 2015

So I've been married to my husband for almost a year. Dated a year before that and we have a problem. He doesn't clean, at all. His clothes lay where he decided to take them off and dishes are washed only if he decided he needs them to cook. If I don't wash them they stay in the sink for weeks at a time.

I knew he was a messy person before we got married and I've learned to clean up after him but our apartment is very small so things are stacked and in boxes and put away.

He gets soooo upset when he can't find something he's looking for that he knows we have. And I clean and put away so much I honestly have no idea where it may be. I don't throw anything away because I know how he gets but I feel so upset when he dares to get mad at me for cleaning up his mess. He knows I'm going to clean it and he doesn't even attempt to put stuff away so I don't se how he feels like he has the right to get mad at me for putting things away.

Idk what to do but this argument comes u almost every week. He has some anger issues so once he's mad he won't speak with me for hours. What should I do to come to a compromise?

blue_ladybug · Jul 12, 2015

Go on strike..tell him to get up off his lazy duff and clean his own mess and find his own stuff..

MadParrotWoman · Jul 12, 2015

Aqua_Girl09 said:

I feel your pain sis, been there done that although my situation isn't as dire as yours seems to be. We have countless arguments about the size of my kitchen and the wall of unwashed dishes and a pile of washing that is only ever cleared for a maximum of 30 seconds before the next pile begins to form. A solution? Constant nagging, training and time. I wish I could offer you more and better advice than this but that's the simple truth.

sandtigeress · Jul 12, 2015

is it possible to make an invertory. So that you write down, where things are. So you can then call that up and say, look here that screwsriver is where it belongs in the second shelf and if not, then I did not have it, you lost it yourself ?!?

and get him to do something else to do that equals the cleaning job, so that you do no longer know, that he is lazy, but
know, ok I do all the cleaning but he idk walks the dog. Something of equal time and effort, that he does and you do not like.

Godgivesmestrength · Jul 12, 2015

I think you really need to sit down and have a serious talk with him about how you feel. Hopefully you can come to a compromise and work things out. God bless I'll be praying for things to work out.

jsr1221 · Jul 12, 2015

Aqua_Girl09 said:

So I've been married to my husband for almost a year. Dated a year before that and we have a problem. He doesn't clean, at all. His clothes lay where he decided to take them off and dishes are washed only if he decided he needs them to cook. If I don't wash them they stay in the sink for weeks at a time.

I knew he was a messy person before we got married and I've learned to clean up after him but our apartment is very small so things are stacked and in boxes and put away.

He gets soooo upset when he can't find something he's looking for that he knows we have. And I clean and put away so much I honestly have no idea where it may be. I don't throw anything away because I know how he gets but I feel so upset when he dares to get mad at me for cleaning up his mess. He knows I'm going to clean it and he doesn't even attempt to put stuff away so I don't se how he feels like he has the right to get mad at me for putting things away.

Idk what to do but this argument comes u almost every week. He has some anger issues so once he's mad he won't speak with me for hours. What should I do to come to a compromise?

Like you said. You knew he was messy before you married him. He has no problem with it because he knows you're just going to do it yourself. I agree with what was said previously by others in going on strike. Make him do it. Because all you are right now is an enabler to him.

MadeInGodsImage · Jul 12, 2015

jsr1221 said:

Like you said. You knew he was messy before you married him. He has no problem with it because he knows you're just going to do it yourself. I agree with what was said previously by others in going on strike. Make him do it. Because all you are right now is an enabler to him.

Spot on!

(10 characters)

AgeofKnowledge · Jul 12, 2015

ROFL! Except he won't though. He likes the mess. She doesn't.

Conflict.

blue_ladybug said:

Blain · Jul 12, 2015

I'm pretty sure your not his maid, honestly he is an adult not a 14 year old he needs to be a responsible adult and pick up his mess and be thankful when you do it. Honestly no way in heaven or hell would I feel comfortable having my wife pick up all my messes like she is my mom or my maid I would feel awful.

AgeofKnowledge · Jul 12, 2015

MadeInGodsImage · Jul 12, 2015

AgeofKnowledge said:

Haha!

(I don't like this 10 character rule)

Hellooo · Jul 12, 2015

Kind of unrelated to the underlying conflict at hand, but may be worth considering - you guys may have too much stuff?

If your dishes can stay in the sink for weeks at a time, does that mean you just keep going through other dishes or does he default to eating out when there's not enough dishes and kitchenware to prepare food? Or if he can go ages being fine with clothing on the ground - would it take him awhile to run out of wearable clothing before he finally felt like dealing with the dirty laundry?

I live in a small apartment, and one of the things i love about it is that it really forces me to be conscious about how much stuff i buy, own, and maximizing the space i have. everything belongs somewhere. are you guys in the apartment temporarily with the goal of moving to a bigger space, or would you be ok with purging, donating, and selling some of the stuff you have to declutter?

if you have less, its a little easier to maintain organization and cleanliness.

Also - congratulations on getting married!! i remember you from your single days around the forums, nice to see you back.

ember · Jul 12, 2015

Aqua_Girl09 said:

IMO, I think you are dealing with some passive aggressive behavior here as well as immaturity...his, not yours

1. He needs to pick up after himself...is he a momma's boy?
have you asked him why he is such a slob? ( do NOT call him a slob)

2. Passive aggressive behavior kicks in when a person is harboring some kind of resentment and instead of talking about it, they display anger or withdraw for things that do not make sense...ie is it really your fault if he cannot find something he misplaced? of course not. By getting angry, he is in fact controlling the marriage...you walk around on eggshells and he gets what he wants or thinks he wants...a maid

while there are diff kinds of this behavior, blaming another is classic

Blaming others for situations rather than being able to take responsibility for your own actions or being able to take an objective view of the situation as a whole.

3. Yeah, people do not generally change after you marry them...you did have fair warning...sorry

4. Dishes...you should probably just wash them unless you don't mind the mess...paper plates?

Sounds like there are some things going on he does not want to discuss or perhaps has expectations he cannot express...either way, you are getting hurt here and you are not his maid and not his momma. Is there any hope of getting some counselling where he might open up ?

Withdrawl is also a very recognized form of passive aggression tendencies. A good pout will get him what he wants because in a marriage, silence is not golden

This behavior will only get worse and you do not want a compromise.

He is not looking for a compromise. He wants to be the 'winner' , but of course no one is a winner here

BettyAnn · Jul 12, 2015

My husband still struggles with that too: He doesn't like to clean up and I think it's in part because he knows I'll do it. What has really helped tho is to just talk with him one on one, with respect.

I didn't nag or pick him apart or try to lay blame. I was just honest and said that I can only do so much on my own and it's hard for me to keep up and that him helping would make it so I can get done what I need to.

He still does it plenty of times but he's far more understanding when things are a bit messier than either of us likes. He's even cleaned up when I'm not at home because he understands just how hard it is to do everything when my work takes me out of the home.

Dino246 · Jul 12, 2015

A few thoughts...
Don't compromise with this evil. It will get you to move and then start demanding further compromise.
Is your husband a Christian? If so, he needs a well-placed confrontation. I'd suggest "Crucial Confrontations" by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzler as a second thing to do. The first is prayer.
Are you able to do just enough to care for yourself, effectively going on strike? Not always the best option because it may be seen as retaliatory.
Do you have enough emotional strength to simply deflect his anger, as in "It's unfortunate that what you're looking for isn't where you think it should be. However, that is not my problem." And refuse to make it your problem.

Not an easy situation, for sure. There is a danger that unless you continue to be his maid, he may take his anger out on you physically. If he EVER does, even a little bit, leave the FIRST time. And refuse to return until he gets counseling, confesses his wrongdoing, and proves that there has been change. I'm not advocating giving up, but look at it like this: if it were a serious medical problem, would you try to fix it yourself or would you send/take him to the doctor? Well, this is a problem, it's at least emotional/spiritual, and could possibly have a medical component to it. So take him to the Physician.

I used to have significant anger issues, until I faced them and dealt with them with the help of a Christian counselor. Not perfect yet, but there has been major progress. Change is possible, with the right help.

Blessings,
Dino

Angela53510 · Jul 13, 2015

I personally don't think anyone can change anyone else. If they are an adult, they are set in their ways, unless they want to change. My husband can be a slob at times, but since I got sick, he has learned to pick up the slack. Why? Because I threaten to get a housekeeper and PAY money to get the house cleaned. (I actually had a housekeeper for 5 years, about 10 years ago, when I was totally disabled - I paid, but he was never happy. But he does know I will follow through on my threat to get a housekeeper!)

So hubby is a lot neater, does a lot of housework, and pitches in with the dishes if I am having a bad pain day - especially because he can't cook, so I am in charge of nutritious, healthy and tasty meals.

I would try some of these other things, but the only compromise that will probably work is getting someone in to clean. And I am sure they won't remember where they put his things! Be consistent with whatever you try. And really, you married someone you knew was a slob, so perhaps you do have some fault in this area. My husband came from a super clean home, I assumed he helped. Turned out his German heritage mom was doing everything! But at least I didn't marry him knowing he was a slob!

Bushido8000 · Jul 13, 2015

Men and Women can have totally different definitions of "messy". The house can be perfectly clean to me and my wife will freak out about how messy the house is and start cleaning, leaving me with no idea about what to do to help her clean, so I gotta ask her what she needs me to do.

Sometimes, men need to be directed to do what you are wanting them to do. For some reason, women tend to think that men are just women with a different anatomy. This is in no way true. We do not think ANYTHING alike.

Treat him like a man who doesn't think anything like you and not like a woman who just doesn't want to clean. He probably wants to help but just doesn't know how. Have a loving talk with him about needing just a little help around the house. Set casual boundaries with him from time to time (this should go here when not in use, that should probably go there when not in use).

What does he usually do at home? hobbies?

Don't listen to anyone making a huge deal about this. Watch the Mark Gungar "laugh your way to a better marriage" DVD with him for a date night. If he's slightly intelligent or more, it should fix this problem totally.

Peace.

MarcR · Jul 13, 2015

This may seem drastic; but, I suggest you find a way to move out; and tell him that you will come back when he provides a livable environment.

pwrnJC · Jul 13, 2015

Here's a reality check: "Do you honestly think the internet will solve this?" If so, then why is there a need for GOD in your marriage if all you have to do is send your complaints about your spouse into cyber space and PRESTO! Instant relief and gratification. Why not take the hand of the man you sleep with and say "HONEY, YOU are a slob, there is no doubt. As for me and my life, I will not lower myself to that level. You may get angry with me for bringing this to your attention, but if you do NOT change this disgusting habit, I will buy you a doghouse so that you can have a place to go to sleep at night." Of course, this is not the ultimate answer. Your hubby is only showing outward signs of an inward battle that he is dealing with. This is a matter of prayer, a spiritual battle is definitely going on in the heavenlies over his head and some of the debris is falling all over you. Perhaps a pastor, or counselor could help, but deep down, the man needs a personal relationship with JESUS, period. Until then, sister, be prepared to be his live-in maid on call.

Agricola · Jul 13, 2015

I struggle with doing any housework what so ever, that is why I adored my ex wife as she did a superb job in cleaning and tidying, I used to tell her that all the time, I helped the odd time with washing dishes but that was the extent of my involvement in housework. That is one thing I miss, most people would be shocked as to what the place looks like now.

So do you work? does he work? You see, I would leave for work at 7am, back home by 4.30pm if no overtime, cooked dinner most evenings, played with kids, put them to bed, then spend a few wonderful hours with my wife before going to sleep and doing it all over again.

You see, I told her how much of a good job she was doing I did not mind doing extra work and hours so she did not have to work, you knew how he was not any good at housework so not surprising then that nothing changes. If you husband contributes in other ways, then surly its not that difficult to just take on those jobs he doesn't want to do? Getting him to help can be fun as well!

He won't clean, but gets mad when I do

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