Stepping Out

[Matthew]

Just curious to know what peoples thoughts are on the time to move out of the family home and how strongly people associate it with being an 'adult' and 'independent'.

I ask this because in my life the message that's come across is that you should be off and out the door as soon as you are able and at 18yrs you should be stepping up and standing alone and that you aren't so much of a respected adult until you've taken this step.....and that you have a duty to remove the burden of yourself from your parents who have 'done their part'.

In brief I disagree with that mainly because it is a message that makes no allowance for the harsh realities of actually maintaing a residence, regardless of the method chosen to accomplish it, massive debt and severe financial struggles being the big ones, although there are many others.

I have always believed there are things in life a person should do only once, marriage being one of them, and leaving home is another, but so many people who push away young end up coming back needing to recover the situation, mainly in a financial sense and then they go off and do it correctly a little wiser for the mistake they made.

Opinions please + don't forget to vote

 

[Maddog]

No, still bleeding me mother dry of funds. I'm able to contribute a little bit (eg. pay the 'phone bills) thanks to my dole money.

I'm craving independence though. It's really quite awkward and frustrating when I want to be able to basically do what I want, but since it's not my house I haven't got a lot of say. I should be grateful, of course, since she feeds me etc. but it all gets a bit depressing when I realise that I'm not likely to be able to leave any time soon. Feeling trapped is somewhat of an understatement, especially since she vetoes what I consider to be a rather minor request, namely to be allowed to have a few ciggies in my room.

 

[nanabean]

Hi Matthew,
I think the decision to move out of your parents house is a matter of individual preference and readiness. In other words it depends!! It depends on financial stability and maturity as well. There is no "magic" age where you are suddenly "suposed" to be on your own, but rather as you mature there should be a natural "pull" to WANT to get out on your own and make it for yourself. I personally, didn't move from home til my wedding day, at age 22. My husband had moved away from home when he was around 23 or 24. my oldest daughter moved from home this past summer (no she is not married) at the age of 23, and my youngest daughter (I only have two) is 22 and still here at home with my hubby and I. She is not ready to move and we have no need nor want to make her do so. My oldest was "chomping at the bit" to move and is financially able to, so has done so. I dont adhere to having a certain "age" be a limit or whatever to have them move, however, if they live under my roof (Maddog...take note! hahhaa!) I DO have rules they need to bide by. INCLUDING no "ciggies" in their rooms!! --fire hazard, and Papabean nor I smoke, so in respect of our home, noooo ciggies!!! Also, no alcohol. And while I am at it, I may as well also say, that while living with parents with maybe free room and board, it may not be out of the question to consider the "free ride" a HUGE benefit and at least pitch in and do laundry, dishes, whatever you can to help and be INDEPENDANT and mature enough to get ready for a move when its "time" to. This is NOT a rant...hahhaha just a mom's perspective!!!!

Oh....and yes I did vote!

 

[Maddog]

if they live under my roof (Maddog...take note! hahhaa!) I DO have rules they need to bide by.

Yes, I don't question that one bit. It doesn't make things any easier for me, however. Realise it's not the no smoking rule itself (even though it is a pain) but rather what it represents (ie. that I'm not at liberty to lead my own life). For this 23 year old, it's a kick in the guts every time she reminds me of it.

 

[nanabean]

Oh now come on, certainly you can "lead your own life"!!!! And no, I'm not saying move out!! I'm saying ....well..think of it this way...you go to anyone else's house who does not smoke....would you not respect that they do not smoke and not smoke there either?? Of course you would respect that..and not even think a thing about it either!! So it's the same at home with your mom (or parents) ....lead your life as you need to in the "now" that IS your life. Smoking is bad for your health, so I'd wish you would consider quitting..but regardless, if you feel a want to smoke, do so elsewhere.....and don't give your mom a reason to "remind you" not to do so in her home. That way you won't feel any "kick in the guts". Pretty simple....respectful.....and makes it easier to live with too.

 

[oopsies]

Just curious to know what peoples thoughts are on the time to move out of the family home and how strongly people associate it with being an 'adult' and 'independent'.

I ask this because in my life the message that's come across is that you should be off and out the door as soon as you are able and at 18yrs you should be stepping up and standing alone and that you aren't so much of a respected adult until you've taken this step.....and that you have a duty to remove the burden of yourself from your parents who have 'done their part'.

In brief I disagree with that mainly because it is a message that makes no allowance for the harsh realities of actually maintaing a residence, regardless of the method chosen to accomplish it, massive debt and severe financial struggles being the big ones, although there are many others.

I have always believed there are things in life a person should do only once, marriage being one of them, and leaving home is another, but so many people who push away young end up coming back needing to recover the situation, mainly in a financial sense and then they go off and do it correctly a little wiser for the mistake they made.

Opinions please + don't forget to vote

I think there's a cultural aspect to this too. In some cultures, out at 18 is the norm while in other cultures, out when you're truly mature to do so is the norm. There's also a gender issue as well - guys are usually kicked out sooner while girls (probably because dad wants to protect her? lol) can wait a little longer.

 

[Sharp]

sometimes chicks think you're a dork if you still live with your parents in your 20s - owning your own house demonstrates independence and self-sufficiency. i think that aint fly.

i'm with you matty - i'm not moving out until i get married.

and my intention is not to replace my momma with wifey in terms of looking after me - there is just no way that i could live by myself, i'd get so lonely.

wouldn't wanna move out and rent with 'roommates'. they could be anyone - drug dealers, pimps, mormons, its too risky.

i can't fall asleep in public - i'm too scared of someone stabbing me or stealing from me or throwing paint on me - i would feel the exact same way about sleeping in the presence of people who aren't family.

 

[oopsies]

sometimes chicks think you're a dork if you still live with your parents in your 20s - owning your own house demonstrates independence and self-sufficiency. i think that aint fly.

i'm with you matty - i'm not moving out until i get married.

and my intention is not to replace my momma with wifey in terms of looking after me - there is just no way that i could live by myself, i'd get so lonely.

wouldn't wanna move out and rent with 'roommates'. they could be anyone - drug dealers, pimps, mormons, its too risky.

i can't fall asleep in public - i'm too scared of someone stabbing me or stealing from me or throwing paint on me - i would feel the exact same way about sleeping in the presence of people who aren't family.

I almost laughed out loud at the "mormons" being lumped together with drug dealers and pimps lol

 

[seoulsearch]

Sharp is always too funny... Anyway...

I voted for the 21-30 range, but now when I think about it, I believe I was around 20 but to be honest, I can't remember that far back (such a lllooonnnnggg time ago... ).

I do think it depends on the culture, family, and person. I can understand both sides, as I've met some people who are extremely dependent on their parents in an unhealthy way, but I can also certainly understand the issues of financial hardships and so forth as well.

I have two brothers, both younger, but the middle brother chose to leave home for college at 18 right away--he couldn't wait to get out of the house, and racked up quite a bit of debt, but part of this is also because he couldn't decide what he wanted to study or do in life for a bit, which is normal, and kept moving from college to college and program to program.

The youngest brother opted to stay at home for a few years, worked two full-time jobs, and saved everything he could. He was far from dependent though, as he spent the last few years before he got married living in 3 different non-English-speaking countries. And because the girl he married was like-minded as far as savings (though I think she had her own place when he met her), they were able to pay for their first home in cash.

I myself have been kind of middle-of-the-road. I opted to stay at home and go to the local community college for the first two years to get my basics out of the way--the school is often made fun of because it's not a big university, but I had a partial scholarship (most everything was paid for except books--couldn't beat that.)

I then headed out for the "big university" at about age 20 and spent about 4 years there, so I most certainly understand the point of starting to accumulate debt. I worked 2 and 3 jobs the entire time I was in college. This is the first time in my life I've ever worked at one job and not gone to school at the same time and to be honest, it feels like an extended vacation!!! I'm practically retired.

With the economy and social system the way it is, I do think it's nearly impossible to expect someone to be out the door and on their own by age 18. If I ever had kids, I would expect that I would probably be at least partially financially responsible for them at least through the age of 25, but yes, I do think every situation can be unique.

The one advantage with my middle brother going off into the world first is that he had an awful first-year college roommate--the kind who stole, tried to hack into his computer, etc., so when I finally left, my parents made arrangements for me to have a "single" (no roommie! ) room at the university...

I've never had a roommate, unless you count my then-husband at the time, and since then, I have lived on my own. I had offered to let a co-worker room with me once but now am glad it didn't work out, as she has friends who partied and so forth and that's not me at all.

I have to say I LOVE having my independence but understand why it's so hard. The day may come when I will move from this area, and my current tentative plan is to relocate to where my parents are, as they are building a small, separate guest house (not for my in particular, but for people who visit them in general) that I could live in until I got settled or saved enough for a regular place there. It would basically be like having my Mom and Dad as neighbors , but I could still come and go as I please.

So... no worries about druggies, pimps, or *gasp* mormons.

Although my ex's mother was a Jehovah's Witness... and believe me, that has to count at least as a close second!!!!

 

[erika83]

It is also cultural, in Eastern Europe nobody is considered wierd for living with parents in their 20s or even 30s. People usually move out when getting married. I think families are closer here than in USA but there is a financial reason behind it too.
I'm still living with my parents and if I wanted to move out and live on rent I couldn't afford without having room mates. I really prefer living with my parents than picking up strangers to live with. I think it depends on everyone's preferences and situation, there is no magic age when one should be out of parents home.

 

[oopsies]

All true, all true, but doesn't it just get oh so annoying when people give you that look? "Oh, so you're still living at home?" *condescending look*

 

[erika83]

All true, all true, but doesn't it just get oh so annoying when people give you that look? "Oh, so you're still living at home?" *condescending look*

I'm lucky I don't get that look here, well not for living at home but I do get it for being unmarried haha, so I understand what you mean, it's always annoying when people don't mind their own business and they are too nosy

 

[oopsies]

I'm lucky I don't get that look here, well not for living at home but I do get it for being unmarried haha, so I understand what you mean, it's always annoying when people don't mind their own business and they are too nosy

Particularly when it's from... gasp! Christians!

 

[Matthew]

It does seem that some people incorrectly associate a young person living with their parents as being someone who is lazy and using their parents for a free ride.

In years gone by when I have told people I was living at home with my parents they have gotten a smug grin on their face and asked me 'DO you pay rent?' while clearly thinking they knew I didn't, I remember the smug look dissapear when I told them I was paying my parents rent each month quite close to what I would have to pay a landlord if I were renting a flat/apartment.

But I also took further steps to contribute to the household, I did my own laundry right through to the ironing, I also cleaned and cooked meals for the houehold etc.....I also became quite the painter/decorator.

So in short, living alone/away from parents is no indication of independent living. I knew one guy living with friends in a shared house who saved up his worn clothes for a week and then dropped them off with his mother for cleaning, my mother would slap me but she knows I wouldn't do it.

 

[oopsies]

It does seem that some people incorrectly associate a young person living with their parents as being someone who is lazy and using their parents for a free ride.

In years gone by when I have told people I was living at home with my parents they have gotten a smug grin on their face and asked me 'DO you pay rent?' while clearly thinking they knew I didn't, I remember the smug look dissapear when I told them I was paying my parents rent each month quite close to what I would have to pay a landlord if I were renting a flat/apartment.

But I also took further steps to contribute to the household, I did my own laundry right through to the ironing, I also cleaned and cooked meals for the houehold etc.....I also became quite the painter/decorator.

So in short, living alone/away from parents is no indication of independent living. I knew one guy living with friends in a shared house who saved up his worn clothes for a week and then dropped them off with his mother for cleaning, my mother would slap me but she knows I wouldn't do it.

Yes, that's exactly what I mean. And there are positive benefits with living at home until you're ready to truly leave. For example, if I didn't stay at home, I would've also left the church and "fallen away." But because I stayed at home, those values were maintained by my parents and by going along with it, it helped me through trying spiritual times.

 

[Dread_Zeppelin]

I can barily afford laundry detergent. People who move out before they're 25 either have one of three things: 1. No college bill 2. rich parents 3. work like crazy to afford it.

 

[oopsies]

I can barily afford laundry detergent. People who move out before they're 25 either have one of three things: 1. No college bill 2. rich parents 3. work like crazy to afford it.

I have #1 and I did #3 but I lost my job last year. I still can't move out... lol

 

[Matthew]

I can barily afford laundry detergent. People who move out before they're 25 either have one of three things: 1. No college bill 2. rich parents 3. work like crazy to afford it.

4. no intelligence/no patience......I've known youngsters who've moved out because they craved independence and freedom from their parents rules and so they've all gone crazy with the loans and credit cards and saddled themselves with debt it could take a decade to pay back, suddenly the parents rules didn't seem so unreasonable.

 

[Dread_Zeppelin]

I have #1 and I did #3 but I lost my job last year. I still can't move out... lol

Lol oopsies! Urghhhhhhhhh wooo wooo! frustration station, all aboard!

 

[Matthew]

Yes, that's exactly what I mean. And there are positive benefits with living at home until you're ready to truly leave. For example, if I didn't stay at home, I would've also left the church and "fallen away." But because I stayed at home, those values were maintained by my parents and by going along with it, it helped me through trying spiritual times.

That's a good point, and one of the things people rarely consider because they don't always see past the attractive things about moving out.
But having that standard maintained around you does help to keep you grounded, do still struggle as I did when I was younger but there is more support and a better example around you than if you moved out with a group of friends or something similar.
Even if all the friends were good people, when you're out your own the first time around it's easy to fall into the trap of trying thins you'd never do under your parents roof and from there it's easy to lose yourself completely.