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I don't know why some kids grow up and turn out like this. My four adult kids are wonderful, respectful and loving.
I think you need to write out the things that are bothering you. Give this adult child the letter, and tell them you want things to change.
If they don't want to change, then I would not be in contact with them. Not respecting your parents is a terrible thing to do, as the Bible promises a long life for those who honour their parents. I imagine those who don't honour their parents are going to suffer for their sins.
I think you need to write out the things that are bothering you. Give this adult child the letter, and tell them you want things to change.
If they don't want to change, then I would not be in contact with them. Not respecting your parents is a terrible thing to do, as the Bible promises a long life for those who honour their parents. I imagine those who don't honour their parents are going to suffer for their sins.
Of course, if you spoiled this child and let them get away with everything growing up, then they probably don't know how to behave or change. So sadly, you are reaping what you sowed! (Not saying this is your case, just a warning to all parents of young children.
Start setting limits and boundaries when they are babies, and when they are old, they will not depart from it.
Start setting limits and boundaries when they are babies, and when they are old, they will not depart from it.
A
The same way I deal with disrespect from anyone:
1. Tell them what they're doing that's disrespectful,
2. See how they handle that,
3. Figure out how I handle what they give in return.
If there is no give, I simply tell them when they become a little more respectful, I will respond better. Until that time, I ignore. Completely.
We can't change people. We can only change our reactions to them.
1. Tell them what they're doing that's disrespectful,
2. See how they handle that,
3. Figure out how I handle what they give in return.
If there is no give, I simply tell them when they become a little more respectful, I will respond better. Until that time, I ignore. Completely.
We can't change people. We can only change our reactions to them.
When your children are adults (you are 60), I would not suggest anything to them. Nor give advice. Let them be free to make wrong choices and you say nothing. BUT you offer ideas if they ask you for them. Do not tell them how to raise their children EVER.
Be a good listener (Everyone likes to be heard). Give no judgment - just let yourself be that sounding board they all need.
One more little thing that sounds like it wouldn't matter, but it really does. Take on the tone and cadence of the one talking to you in speaking to them. If they talk slow, try to match their speed. If they are soft in tone, match that tone. In other words, put yourself "in their gear".
These little things do make a difference.
Be a good listener (Everyone likes to be heard). Give no judgment - just let yourself be that sounding board they all need.
One more little thing that sounds like it wouldn't matter, but it really does. Take on the tone and cadence of the one talking to you in speaking to them. If they talk slow, try to match their speed. If they are soft in tone, match that tone. In other words, put yourself "in their gear".
These little things do make a difference.
S
I saw your original thread, and searched for this one to reply. Any who, my parents are going through a similar situation with my oldest brother. He completely cut us out of his life. The only family members he allows around are those who have moved out.
Even when he had his child, he only allowed us there for a little bit. My parents got to see her (my niece) for an hour or two the night she was born. I only got to see her for 15 minutes the day after she was born. Didn't even get to hold her or touch her.
She's now closing in on a year old, and I haven't seen her since the day after she was born. I know what you're going through.
If you need someone to talk to about it, feel free to message me.
Even when he had his child, he only allowed us there for a little bit. My parents got to see her (my niece) for an hour or two the night she was born. I only got to see her for 15 minutes the day after she was born. Didn't even get to hold her or touch her.
She's now closing in on a year old, and I haven't seen her since the day after she was born. I know what you're going through.
If you need someone to talk to about it, feel free to message me.
I
Thank you so much for all your comments, they are so appreciated.
Let me just take this opportunity to express my gratitude that there is a place here privately away from my family to discuss this, there has been so many times I felt I was drowning in pain, overwhelming sadness and frustration, "Thank you CC"
I'm 62, and love The LORD with all my heart and soul, and if it weren't for him I seriously don't know what I would have done.
My sons are 39 & 37, my oldest has been married for 8 yrs and my youngest they have been together for 18 yrs.
When they were growing up, up until the time they Were 8 & 10 I was a single parent.
They were the best kids, loving, funny, helpful, you name it, they were amazing!
Being a single parent as anyone would know does have its challenges, but I come from a big loving family with lots of support.
I never in a million years saw this coming!!
My kids got married and slowly everything started to change, my one daughter in law (DIL) literally came up to my face in my personal space and said, quote " your son doesn't love you doesn't want to have anything to do with you and doesn't want you to come here". At that moment I felt a nice piercing through my heart, I couldn't believe what my ears had just heard a white anyone could be so cruel, and my only reply was "you lying you're just jealous because you don't want me to be a part of my sons life" what else I said after that I don't remember because I was in so much shock and hurt, but what I do remember is that she picked up the phone call my son at work and told him that I was being disrespectful to her in her own home.
When my son came home I tried to explain to him what had happened and he didn't believe me, that's been over 10 years ago, since then they have a beautiful baby during the time that she was pregnant they didn't even tell me until after she was born, broke my heart!!! And from the time that she was born I've probably only seen her at the most four times. That's just a small part of what I've gone through with my younger son.
My older Son's favorite hobby is to throw me under the bus, contradicts me in public, cuts me off in conversation, when I have ask for help with computer or other simple things, it's always " I don't have time" NEVER helps me with anything, I could be caring a big bag of groceries, and he'll just walk right pass me, and more hurtful than anything he laugh about it.
I asked God to please forgive them, to soften their hearts, to lighten their path, and to give them godly wisdom.
It has gotten to the point that I really don't even like to be around them anymore, the joy of my life is my oldest son's daughter which they allow me to be with her whenever I want, And for that I am most grateful for but I pay a big price of having to allow both their disrespects, she is the joy of my life, and I think God for that one bright light.
I asked God to give me strength to endure this journey because there's times I don't think that I can't see it through it is just too painful and I never saw this coming.
Let me just take this opportunity to express my gratitude that there is a place here privately away from my family to discuss this, there has been so many times I felt I was drowning in pain, overwhelming sadness and frustration, "Thank you CC"
I'm 62, and love The LORD with all my heart and soul, and if it weren't for him I seriously don't know what I would have done.
My sons are 39 & 37, my oldest has been married for 8 yrs and my youngest they have been together for 18 yrs.
When they were growing up, up until the time they Were 8 & 10 I was a single parent.
They were the best kids, loving, funny, helpful, you name it, they were amazing!
Being a single parent as anyone would know does have its challenges, but I come from a big loving family with lots of support.
I never in a million years saw this coming!!
My kids got married and slowly everything started to change, my one daughter in law (DIL) literally came up to my face in my personal space and said, quote " your son doesn't love you doesn't want to have anything to do with you and doesn't want you to come here". At that moment I felt a nice piercing through my heart, I couldn't believe what my ears had just heard a white anyone could be so cruel, and my only reply was "you lying you're just jealous because you don't want me to be a part of my sons life" what else I said after that I don't remember because I was in so much shock and hurt, but what I do remember is that she picked up the phone call my son at work and told him that I was being disrespectful to her in her own home.
When my son came home I tried to explain to him what had happened and he didn't believe me, that's been over 10 years ago, since then they have a beautiful baby during the time that she was pregnant they didn't even tell me until after she was born, broke my heart!!! And from the time that she was born I've probably only seen her at the most four times. That's just a small part of what I've gone through with my younger son.
My older Son's favorite hobby is to throw me under the bus, contradicts me in public, cuts me off in conversation, when I have ask for help with computer or other simple things, it's always " I don't have time" NEVER helps me with anything, I could be caring a big bag of groceries, and he'll just walk right pass me, and more hurtful than anything he laugh about it.
I asked God to please forgive them, to soften their hearts, to lighten their path, and to give them godly wisdom.
It has gotten to the point that I really don't even like to be around them anymore, the joy of my life is my oldest son's daughter which they allow me to be with her whenever I want, And for that I am most grateful for but I pay a big price of having to allow both their disrespects, she is the joy of my life, and I think God for that one bright light.
I asked God to give me strength to endure this journey because there's times I don't think that I can't see it through it is just too painful and I never saw this coming.
I
One thing that I forgot to add to this comment is that my children make me feel as if I've been a bad mother, they make me feel unworthy, and they definitely make me feel unloved...
I don't want to sound repetitious but in all honesty I thought my kids will grow up to be loving adult children that we would spend great holidays and good times together and have amazing Family pictures to look back at, their wives don't get along they don't get along with one another as well, my precious granddaughters don't know each other, that is not the picture I envisioned for the future, again I never saw this coming ????????????
I don't want to sound repetitious but in all honesty I thought my kids will grow up to be loving adult children that we would spend great holidays and good times together and have amazing Family pictures to look back at, their wives don't get along they don't get along with one another as well, my precious granddaughters don't know each other, that is not the picture I envisioned for the future, again I never saw this coming ????????????
My oldest son had a wife like this. She was constantly telling me what a bad mother I was, and how I hurt my son and verbally abused him. They cut off most contact with us, except for a phone call at Christmas and Mother's Day and Father's Day from him. If I phoned, she was yelling in the background, trying to break up the conversation.
Well, last year he turfed her, and things have changed radically. He phones a lot, and I phone him. We email each other, and he has been flying in for family gatherings, and apologizing when he couldn't make it this summer, because he had already booked two major events in other countries.
I was broken when he divorced her. I do not believe in divorce. But in some ways I did understand that living with her depression and severe anxiety, and probably a personality disorder was hard. I am still against divorce, and I hope your adult children never divorce. On the other hand, it is so nice to get my son back, and to know it really was the DIL that caused the estrangement. Maybe that was part of the problem too? Perhaps he realized she was cutting him off from his family? Not just me, but all his siblings and their families.
Praying your children think about what they are doing, and treat you with respect and honour. You deserve it!
Well, last year he turfed her, and things have changed radically. He phones a lot, and I phone him. We email each other, and he has been flying in for family gatherings, and apologizing when he couldn't make it this summer, because he had already booked two major events in other countries.
I was broken when he divorced her. I do not believe in divorce. But in some ways I did understand that living with her depression and severe anxiety, and probably a personality disorder was hard. I am still against divorce, and I hope your adult children never divorce. On the other hand, it is so nice to get my son back, and to know it really was the DIL that caused the estrangement. Maybe that was part of the problem too? Perhaps he realized she was cutting him off from his family? Not just me, but all his siblings and their families.
Praying your children think about what they are doing, and treat you with respect and honour. You deserve it!
I
Thank you so much for your reply, I have to tell you there's a lot to be said about "misery loves company " (I sincerely mean that with the kindest of ways) because at least you don't feel so alone when you're going through something like this.
Like you I would never want my children to get a divorce I wouldn't want my granddaughters to suffer A family break up!
what I'm upset about is that there depriving me of my granddaughter. How will my granddaughter it ever get to know who I am and how much I love her?
i'm just giving it to the Lord and let him resolve it I try to keep the situation out of my heart and out of my mind, but when it's your own children it's not quite that easy, I do rely on my sisters and church and my church family who has given A lot of support.
please stay in touch, thank you so much????????????
Like you I would never want my children to get a divorce I wouldn't want my granddaughters to suffer A family break up!
what I'm upset about is that there depriving me of my granddaughter. How will my granddaughter it ever get to know who I am and how much I love her?
i'm just giving it to the Lord and let him resolve it I try to keep the situation out of my heart and out of my mind, but when it's your own children it's not quite that easy, I do rely on my sisters and church and my church family who has given A lot of support.
please stay in touch, thank you so much????????????
Do your children claim to be believers?
There is a passage in Leviticus that says do not hate your neighbor in your heart, but rebuke your neighbor frankly, lest you share in his sin. Then, right after this is the verse that says to love your neighbor as you love yourself.
I think it is important for a parent to point out to their children, even adult children, when they aren't honoring their parents. My wife is from a people-group in Indonesia where they like to give a lot of advice. I was watching an Indonesian TV show on YouTube recently, and the host of a game show was from her people-group, and I saw how he'd advise contestants and get on their case a bit with that same tone of voice I'd heard among her people.
One thing I'd notice is the parents would exhort the kids to honor their parents. Older brothers and sisters would give advice to the younger brothers and sisters. "Don't talk to your parents like that." They'd even do that to the young adults, tell them what to say back to the parents, right there in front of everyone. Those sort of social interactions would work too well if attempted in an American family, but it's interesting to watch.
And it hadn't occurred to me how important it is for me as a parent to teach my little kids to honor me. If I am to raise them in the honor and fear of the Lord, I have to actively teach them to honor me and their mother. It seemed a bit strange for me to hear my mother-in-law tell her adult son he needed to honor his parents, but I think there is a place for that. But even with adult kids, that's something you may have to remind them of if you have the chance to interact with them. If they are claiming to be Christians, then you have some common ground on which to exhort them. In Indonesia, I think just about everyone in the dominant national culture there would see the need to honor parents as obvious, something that nearly all agree on. But in the US, it's something the movies and TV seem to teach against. But Christians should believe in it. And if you had a chance to talk to your daughter-in-law, and she claims to be a Christian, then pointing out that encouraging her husband to stumble into sin by not honoring his mother is a really bad thing.
You could also tell your son you don't want him to live long rather than die young. Honor your father and mother is the first commandment with promise.
Other than threatening to cut children out of the will and just leave whatever you have to a church or a charity, all that I can think of is that you can pray and you can talk with them or have other people talk to them. You could also talk to their pastors/elders if they go to church.
If you live close to your DIL, cutting off a relationship with you is shooting herself in the foot. I don't know why a parent of small children wouldn't want free babysitting. That's a perk of living near grandparents. I'm kind of stuck right now, temporarily at least, away from either set of my children's grandparents. I would like to be near mine or my wife's so I could see them more or my wife could see her parents more.
There is a passage in Leviticus that says do not hate your neighbor in your heart, but rebuke your neighbor frankly, lest you share in his sin. Then, right after this is the verse that says to love your neighbor as you love yourself.
I think it is important for a parent to point out to their children, even adult children, when they aren't honoring their parents. My wife is from a people-group in Indonesia where they like to give a lot of advice. I was watching an Indonesian TV show on YouTube recently, and the host of a game show was from her people-group, and I saw how he'd advise contestants and get on their case a bit with that same tone of voice I'd heard among her people.
One thing I'd notice is the parents would exhort the kids to honor their parents. Older brothers and sisters would give advice to the younger brothers and sisters. "Don't talk to your parents like that." They'd even do that to the young adults, tell them what to say back to the parents, right there in front of everyone. Those sort of social interactions would work too well if attempted in an American family, but it's interesting to watch.
And it hadn't occurred to me how important it is for me as a parent to teach my little kids to honor me. If I am to raise them in the honor and fear of the Lord, I have to actively teach them to honor me and their mother. It seemed a bit strange for me to hear my mother-in-law tell her adult son he needed to honor his parents, but I think there is a place for that. But even with adult kids, that's something you may have to remind them of if you have the chance to interact with them. If they are claiming to be Christians, then you have some common ground on which to exhort them. In Indonesia, I think just about everyone in the dominant national culture there would see the need to honor parents as obvious, something that nearly all agree on. But in the US, it's something the movies and TV seem to teach against. But Christians should believe in it. And if you had a chance to talk to your daughter-in-law, and she claims to be a Christian, then pointing out that encouraging her husband to stumble into sin by not honoring his mother is a really bad thing.
You could also tell your son you don't want him to live long rather than die young. Honor your father and mother is the first commandment with promise.
Other than threatening to cut children out of the will and just leave whatever you have to a church or a charity, all that I can think of is that you can pray and you can talk with them or have other people talk to them. You could also talk to their pastors/elders if they go to church.
If you live close to your DIL, cutting off a relationship with you is shooting herself in the foot. I don't know why a parent of small children wouldn't want free babysitting. That's a perk of living near grandparents. I'm kind of stuck right now, temporarily at least, away from either set of my children's grandparents. I would like to be near mine or my wife's so I could see them more or my wife could see her parents more.
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