My husband loves another woman

-pinklady- · Jul 29, 2015

Hi!
My name is Elaine. I have been married for 16 years and have 4 kids. 2 years ago my husband told me that he is in love with another woman, and that he never loved me . I asked him if he want to leave? And he said ,Yes! But he is not going to
do that because it not fair to me and the kids. My heart broke that day. He asked for forgiveness and I forgave him, but in my heart I dont trust him anymore and have little respect.
We have been having big problem lately so he told me he want to live separately. I am afraid to loose him
Please pray for me . I don't know what to do

Ugly · Jul 29, 2015

Afraid to lose someone that doesn't love you or want to be with you?

NewWine · Jul 29, 2015

I am sorry you're hurting. It's scary to think of losing someone after you've invested 16 years of love, time, effort, worry, care.....being one. Unfortunately, you have no choice but to let him go, give your marriage and family to God, and let God do His thing. He may not leave at all, but then again he may. Either way, God has good things ahead for you. It may not be the life you have now, or the life you imagined on your wedding day, but I am pretty sure THIS isn't the life you imagined on your wedding day either. But you will have a good life, if you remain focused on God first.

The Bible doesn't promise us an easy life on Earth, but what He does promise us, is to fill the gaps that people leave in us. That is part of the whole basis of needing God......people WILL hurt and disappoint us, but God won't! You are God's masterpiece just as you are right now. That is powerful to claim right there. With all the amazing things on God's Creation, and He considers US mere humans His Masterpiece!! The entire creation love story, was written just for you. Every beautiful detail was created for you. His Son, willingly died for you, and He'd do it again. No matter what happens from here, no matter what is said or done between you and your husband, remember that to God, YOU are a masterpiece..
Peace and prayers

tourist · Jul 29, 2015

You already lost him over 2 years ago. You need a divorce lawyer. Welcome to CC.

blue_ladybug · Jul 29, 2015

-pinklady- said:

Elaine, your marriage ended 2 years ago when he told you he loves another woman. It's good that you have forgiven him but you need to get an official divorce. He made a choice to abandon this marriage. Please don't try to hold on to someone and something that isn't there anymore.. Don't be afraid to lose him. God does not like divorce, but He DOES sometimes use it to introduce better things to both people..

LiJo · Jul 29, 2015

-pinklady- said:

Pinklady,

Welcome to CC. I am so sorry you are hurting, my heart goes out to you. Your marriage did end 2 years ago and once the trust is gone, it's time to move on. I know it's scary with 4 children but God will provide and lead you through it. Please get an attorney and look into Divorce Care for support for yourself and DC4 Kids are also available.

I will be praying for you...

Anna76 · Jul 29, 2015

Welcome to cc! I'm sorry for all the pain you are going through. You can't make someone love you hun. Don't be afraid to move on. This chapter of your life is over it seems and God will give you a fresh new chapter in your life. Stay positive and know God has better for you! God wants you to be loved not cast aside like your husband seems to be doing.

VioletReigns · Jul 30, 2015

-pinklady- said:

When there is broken trust, it is trauma to your heart, mind & spirit. That's why God hates adultery and divorce. There is never a clean break. It's a shattering!

Only Jesus Christ can mend you completely. I advise you to pray and seek professional Christian counseling with someone you respect and trust. As for the fear of losing your husband, I pray the Lord give you grace to let him go into God's hands. Take this time to go to counseling and make a plan to move on with you and God alone. Let the Lord build you up and free you of your fears and mend your heart. Whatever the outcome of your marriage, let this trial build up your relationship with Christ Jesus.

Siberian_Khatru · Jul 30, 2015

I saw your thread title and my heart immediately sank, Elaine. Of course I'll pray for you and your family.

-pinklady- said:

What's not fair to you and the kids? (Think about it.)

Galahad · Jul 30, 2015

-pinklady- said:

Is he a believer? Makes a big difference.

Try not to separate.
But don't just settle for living together with no love.

Here's a command from Paul to husbands, "Husbands, love your wives." Ephesians 5.

Love can be a choice. We are commanded to love God.

Communicate with him that you want a marriage. You want to make things right.

Seek guidance and help in this.

gypsygirl · Jul 30, 2015

pink lady,

my heart is hurting for you. i am so sorry for what you've gone through and what your facing. i also prayed for you tonight.

i can't even imagine how much pain you're in, or how upset and fearful you must feel. but what you don't need is a divorce lawyer, in my opinion. after personally witnessing a number of marriages go from divorced, nearly divorced, and all states of betrayal and alienated affections, we can take hope in the fact that where there is desire to do better, even obedience and faithful prayer God can accomplish much.

you can't force your husband into counselling, but if you in a church, please get with the pastor. or find a good counselor who can work with you both. what you can do is surround yourself with support from church, and seek guidance and even the authority of those in your church. go to counselling yourself. seek support with other women, in bible study or whatever. but don't do reactionary things or assume what he announces forces you to take action, if there's not a need to protect yourself. counsel with others. and pray.

if you need to get some space and a separation , do so. but please, don't for a minute think that your current marital situation is beyond God's purview i would also avoid any reactionary steps such as running to the divorce lawyer or making steps that permanently create division beyond what has already happened.

there is a lot we don't know about your situation, but the fact that your husband doesn't want to leave gives me a small amount of hope that he has an appreciation and understanding of God's view of marriage. men and women's emotional state, even their ability to "love" or be "in love" with others is still not larger or greater than our ability to cooperate with God and His ability to work miracles in the hearts and lives of His people.

what we have come to know through a lot of sources is that many, many couples struggle with the "in love" feelings and endure drier periods where love is more of a choice than a natural feeling and are STILL able to rebound and live together happier because the efforts necessary to rehabilitate a marriage are generally done on more honest and purposeful ground.

finally, we as a people most often use love as a description of our emotional state. we use to describe our feelings about someone. but one of the most amazing and memorable things i learned in studying the bible was what it says about "love".

that the words and passages that contain our instructions about "love" (including instruction to spouses) are definitely not translated to mean that emotional feeling. when the bible instructs us to love, it does so with the intention that our love is choice and response to a directive. it's not about emotions or how you feel. it's about what you're supposed to do. and because of that, i think it's easier to recognize that God never expected us to "be in love" for us to do what is right. further, i don't believe that God is powerless to work in your marriage. meaning, we are told in the OT that God has the power to "turn the hearts of kings", and thus we can know that He has influence over anyone in such a broad and sweeping way.

i will be praying for your family. : )

blue_ladybug said:

actually, that's just not true. in a few ways. when you call her marriage as being "over" (in spite of a very painful kind of betrayal, and hurt) you are sending the message that one cannot overcome any kind of emotional affair (or an affair of any kind). most biblical scholars agree that alienation of affection or emotional betrayal (to what extent, we simply don't know) isn't adultery, or grounds for a biblical divorce.

further, when you tell people their "marriage is over" you are essentially telling them they have no hope. they have no opportunity for redemption, and what bothers me most, is that this statement flies directly in the face of God's own words. you may feel that this marriage is over, you may believe it could or should be, but please do not inform others that their marriage is "over". because that decision doesn't rest in your hands, and frankly, statistical data simply doesn't support your perspective. many, many couples rebound after all manner of betrayal and deep wounds and choose to save their marriage.

and further, because it's God's desire that there would be no divorce, when two people choose to try to salvage their marriage, God always shows up. what i've seen over and over, is a great deal of mercy and grace shown to couples who choose to work towards reconciliation. but generally they need help. both professionally, and ideally, a relationship that is in mutual submission to both one another and God.

blue_ladybug said:

actually, as disgusting as his choice(s) may or may not be (as i said, we don't know all the details) but simply a snapshot with rather limited info. what we know from this post is that he has confessed thoughts and feelings that are scary and would concern anyone.

further, he hasn't ABANDONED his marriage. while his heart may not be emotionally in the marriage, that isn't something that God has ever shown us overt leniency in calling our marriages void. because God doesn't give us the freedom to allow our fickle feelings drive our choices, and so far, all we've been told about is that her husband has confessed that he has feelings for a woman he doesn't intend to leave her over.

from what we know, there are a lot of possible options, depending upon whether the husband is willing to work to repair his marriage, or consider that possibility.

blue_ladybug said:

i realize this may seem like what is reasonable to you, but this statement is patently false. i mean, seriously wrong. God doesn't desire for divorce ever. and while he makes allowance for it in very specific situations, the way you have phrased it in this post (and several other times) you make it sound quite differently than the bible states.

does God use divorce and other painful events for good in our life? absolutely, because He promises that to us. not because divorce is acceptable to Him. the allowances given are generally abuse (which can include actual and real abandonment, not emotional or other flakiness) and adultery.

honestly, i love that you desire to be a comfort and encouragement to others, bp, but i'm troubled by the fact that people come to us seeking a christian (biblical) perspective, and i think we should be very careful how strongly we advocate for divorce, or speak for God's desire or nature without being very, very careful. i do apologize if this offends you, but it's not my intention, only concern. : )

Olerica · Jul 30, 2015

Oh PinkLady,
What a heartbreaking situation. I was married for 14 years, and that marriage ended in death. I just wanted to inform you of that so that you know where I'm coming from.

I agree with GypsyGirl that your marriage is not over, not completely broken, but it's hurting. My honest advice to you would be to pray. Pray every day that God do what he needs to do to reconcile your marriage. I think that God works in us so much when we come to him at the end of all we've tried and we allow him to work... no matter the situation.

God may show you ways that you can minister to your husband and the two of you can recapture your love, or he may work in your husband so that his eyes are turned to you in love... my guess it will be a combination of the two things.

As Christians, we are charged to submit to God. Sometimes that doesn't feel very pleasant, does it? Sometimes I don't want to XYZ that God is calling me to do, but yet he gently draws us into deeper relationship that calls for obedience none-the-less. You can stay in your marriage. You made your vows before God. Your husband may choose to leave, and that you can't control. But seek God's love for yourself and your children. God will comfort you in this trial. He gives the way out of any temptation, he IS our way out.

I don't know if I am making a lot of sense here, but I'm praying for you, PinkLady.

Wornwarrior · Jul 30, 2015

Im so sorry Pinklady. I think the pain of someone that you love telling you that they no longer love you, is worse than the pain of losing them to death. There is no way to understand it! How do you stop loving someone?? God understands it though and He will be the strength you need to help you through this. I will be praying for you and for God to shed His light and love into your husbands heart. I dont believe your marriage has to end. God can restore your heart, change your husband and restore your marriage to one of trust again. I will be praying for that to happen. GBU xx

secularhermit · Jul 30, 2015

It will be hurtful time... At least you know that, directly.

Honor YOU 1st, make legal arrangements to keep what your kids need ($ + roof) and try to remake YOU from the inside out (before you get too old to enjoy yourself, again).

That grievance hurts but, more, if you refuse to give yourself more personal value.

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My husband loves another woman

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