Parent Problems - Need advice

  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.
H

happysoul

Guest
#1
#1
I've been married for nearly 20 years to a wonderful husband and father to our children.

The problem is my dad. Since day one, he's been in our business, showing up at our house unannounced 4-5 times a week, and will call me seriously 10-15 times a day. I'm not exaggerating! If I don't answer EACH phone call, he gets very angry, and wants to know where I was, what I was doing that was so important I can't answer his calls. If I dare say anything to him, he won't speak to me for weeks or months, but honestly when that happens, it's a relief! He treated my mother this way as well, until she finally divorced him. After 15 years of putting up with this, the phone calls slowed down more & more over time, and the visits have stopped completely. If he can't have ALL, he wants NONE, and then likes to pretend he's the victim.

So fast forward a couple of years - we don't have much of a relationship by this point. He came for a visit, and told my children (while we were not around), that he doesn't like their dad (my husband), and gave detailed reasons of his hate for not only him, but the rest of the family as well. Aunts/uncles/cousins, ect...My kids were 9 & 10 at the time of this conversation. My kids told me about it a few days later, but didn't tell my husband, nor did I. So a month or so goes by, we don't hear from my dad until one day when he invites us out for dinner. I declined via email, but as usual, he won't take no for an answer in order to get his way. I finally emailed him and told him what the kids had told me and he denied it. I talked to my brother & sister about this, and they both told me he had told them the exact same thing about my husband, so I know for a fact my kids aren't lying. In the email, I nicely told him I forgive him, but I am not stupid enough to let it happen again...meaning I don't want to be around him, and the children are certainly never to be left alone with him again. He has never admitted to it, and now I have no relationship with him at all.

He continually asks my sister why I'm mad at him, and acts like he's innocent. She just says she doesn't know, because she doesn't want to be put in the middle, which I can't blame her and I'm glad she says that. Honestly, my life is so much easier without him in it, and I hate that I even think that way! At one time, I was very close to my dad but it seems he couldn't handle me growing up or something. He's controlling, loves to be the victim, and loves for people to feel sorry for him. He's become quiet the liar about many things. I've spent many hours praying over this, and I can hear the Lord telling me, "you have a Father in Heaven" which I know. I just don't want to feel guilty when the day comes my dad is no longer on this Earth, and I know I will.

Any advice? I don't see a way this relationship can heal if he never admits to and apologizes for what he's done, but I also know I can benefit from other's point of views. I'm open to any advice, I just want to know I've done everything possible which I feel I have. Thanks for the listening ear!
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#2
#2
We'd like to think our parents are the reasonable, stable, loving figures they should be, but not all of them are. Some people are just bad for us, and those people need to be removed from our lives, period. Regardless of their position in your life. Your father needs consequences not enablers. Maybe when he wakes up completely alone he'll realize his need to change. If not he will just continue a bitter, lonely man that refuses to change.

People who refuse to accept responsibility for their own behavior and actions Rarely change.
 
A

atwhatcost

Guest
#3
#3
happysoul said:
I've been married for nearly 20 years to a wonderful husband and father to our children.

The problem is my dad. Since day one, he's been in our business, showing up at our house unannounced 4-5 times a week, and will call me seriously 10-15 times a day. I'm not exaggerating! If I don't answer EACH phone call, he gets very angry, and wants to know where I was, what I was doing that was so important I can't answer his calls. If I dare say anything to him, he won't speak to me for weeks or months, but honestly when that happens, it's a relief! He treated my mother this way as well, until she finally divorced him. After 15 years of putting up with this, the phone calls slowed down more & more over time, and the visits have stopped completely. If he can't have ALL, he wants NONE, and then likes to pretend he's the victim.

So fast forward a couple of years - we don't have much of a relationship by this point. He came for a visit, and told my children (while we were not around), that he doesn't like their dad (my husband), and gave detailed reasons of his hate for not only him, but the rest of the family as well. Aunts/uncles/cousins, ect...My kids were 9 & 10 at the time of this conversation. My kids told me about it a few days later, but didn't tell my husband, nor did I. So a month or so goes by, we don't hear from my dad until one day when he invites us out for dinner. I declined via email, but as usual, he won't take no for an answer in order to get his way. I finally emailed him and told him what the kids had told me and he denied it. I talked to my brother & sister about this, and they both told me he had told them the exact same thing about my husband, so I know for a fact my kids aren't lying. In the email, I nicely told him I forgive him, but I am not stupid enough to let it happen again...meaning I don't want to be around him, and the children are certainly never to be left alone with him again. He has never admitted to it, and now I have no relationship with him at all.

He continually asks my sister why I'm mad at him, and acts like he's innocent. She just says she doesn't know, because she doesn't want to be put in the middle, which I can't blame her and I'm glad she says that. Honestly, my life is so much easier without him in it, and I hate that I even think that way! At one time, I was very close to my dad but it seems he couldn't handle me growing up or something. He's controlling, loves to be the victim, and loves for people to feel sorry for him. He's become quiet the liar about many things. I've spent many hours praying over this, and I can hear the Lord telling me, "you have a Father in Heaven" which I know. I just don't want to feel guilty when the day comes my dad is no longer on this Earth, and I know I will.

Any advice? I don't see a way this relationship can heal if he never admits to and apologizes for what he's done, but I also know I can benefit from other's point of views. I'm open to any advice, I just want to know I've done everything possible which I feel I have. Thanks for the listening ear!
Click to expand...
Out of all that, I didn't see once where you sat down and to negotiated what you want from him. You e-mail him what you don't like and you ignore him, but you don't tell him what you do want.
 
Jenizona

Jenizona

Senior Member
#4
Aug 8, 2015
629
28
0
#4
happysoul said:
I'm open to any advice, I just want to know I've done everything possible which I feel I have.
Click to expand...
Hey, I think you've answered your own question here! I read once that, "Love is longsuffering... but only you and God know how long."

You owe it to your children to have a stable family... unfortunately, some people contribute to that stability through their absence. Your father might be one of those people. Just something to think about! :cool:
 
S

sassylady

Guest
#5
#5
People who think they are the victims will not change until they want to change, period. Let God have it and keep your dad in prayer.
 
Dino246

Dino246

Senior Member
#6
Jun 30, 2015
24,688
13,377
113
#6
It sounds like you are taking a healthy approach to the situation. If you have not read Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, you might consider doing so. Mind you, it sounds like you have.

I've been listening to some YT videos from Patrick Doyle as a guest on The Dove TV show. His approach is to pray for the abuser that they would be convicted by God for their behaviour. I think you are wise to limit your dad's influence in your life and that of your children until and unless he demonstrates that he has changed for the better. Until that time, trust your heavenly Father for His love, encouragement and all the rest that your dad can't give you.
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#7
#7
happysoul said:
I've been married for nearly 20 years to a wonderful husband and father to our children.

The problem is my dad. Since day one, he's been in our business, showing up at our house unannounced 4-5 times a week, and will call me seriously 10-15 times a day. I'm not exaggerating! If I don't answer EACH phone call, he gets very angry, and wants to know where I was, what I was doing that was so important I can't answer his calls. If I dare say anything to him, he won't speak to me for weeks or months, but honestly when that happens, it's a relief! He treated my mother this way as well, until she finally divorced him. After 15 years of putting up with this, the phone calls slowed down more & more over time, and the visits have stopped completely. If he can't have ALL, he wants NONE, and then likes to pretend he's the victim.

So fast forward a couple of years - we don't have much of a relationship by this point. He came for a visit, and told my children (while we were not around), that he doesn't like their dad (my husband), and gave detailed reasons of his hate for not only him, but the rest of the family as well. Aunts/uncles/cousins, ect...My kids were 9 & 10 at the time of this conversation. My kids told me about it a few days later, but didn't tell my husband, nor did I. So a month or so goes by, we don't hear from my dad until one day when he invites us out for dinner. I declined via email, but as usual, he won't take no for an answer in order to get his way. I finally emailed him and told him what the kids had told me and he denied it. I talked to my brother & sister about this, and they both told me he had told them the exact same thing about my husband, so I know for a fact my kids aren't lying. In the email, I nicely told him I forgive him, but I am not stupid enough to let it happen again...meaning I don't want to be around him, and the children are certainly never to be left alone with him again. He has never admitted to it, and now I have no relationship with him at all.

He continually asks my sister why I'm mad at him, and acts like he's innocent. She just says she doesn't know, because she doesn't want to be put in the middle, which I can't blame her and I'm glad she says that. Honestly, my life is so much easier without him in it, and I hate that I even think that way! At one time, I was very close to my dad but it seems he couldn't handle me growing up or something. He's controlling, loves to be the victim, and loves for people to feel sorry for him. He's become quiet the liar about many things. I've spent many hours praying over this, and I can hear the Lord telling me, "you have a Father in Heaven" which I know. I just don't want to feel guilty when the day comes my dad is no longer on this Earth, and I know I will.

Any advice? I don't see a way this relationship can heal if he never admits to and apologizes for what he's done, but I also know I can benefit from other's point of views. I'm open to any advice, I just want to know I've done everything possible which I feel I have. Thanks for the listening ear!
Click to expand...


Parental relationships are usually some of the hardest to cope with. Some parents just cannot allow their children to grow up. About the only thing you could do is sit down with him,you and your husband and have a mediator along and tell your father what your boundaries are.You can let him know you'd like to have him in your life but if he crosses the boundaries he will find himself on the outside again.If you have a mediator then no lies can be told about what was said.You have to protect your kids and your husband and he needs to understand thats a line he doesnt cross.

Its hard to deal with someone who wont admit they are wrong.All you can do is say "here's the line,I love you but here you dont cross".Then the ball is in his court.He can be mature about it or play the victim but you gave him the choice.You can love your parent,you can respect your parent but you cannot allow them to intrude on your family life and your wishes for your children.Once you marry that parental authority is over.They should not even be giving advice unless they are asked for it except in the case of abuse.Each person has their place to play in the family.There are boundaries.You need to make sure your father understands that.
 
B

BarlyGurl

Guest
#8
#8
You seem to be kinda "caught" as the stand in for your mother in his life and "caught" in the child position too.
I would encourage you to PRAY FOR HIS SALVATION and ask God to soften YOUR heart and help you to figure out God honoring ways you can have a relationship with your father for the time he has left. I don't have a "winning" idea for your situation but I can tell you the feelings of "regret/guilt" will not be salved over unless you can overcome this and have some kind of "restored" relationship... from your side of the equation. It is not futile, please keep trying.
 
H

happysoul

Guest
#9
#9
Thank you all for your replies.
@Atwhatcost: You're right, I didn't say that I have told him what I need from him, but I have. He either denies doing what I am talking about, or he gets mad and hangs up on me, or leaves saying he won't be treated this way.
@Dino246: I have not read that book, but it sounds like I should! Thank you, I'll have to check it out.
This is very difficult for me, and I think about it daily, and continue to pray for him. I love my dad, and don't want him to live a life of hate towards others, and especially his family.
Thanks again everyone, I really do appreciate the responses!
 
A

atwhatcost

Guest
#10
#10
happysoul said:
Thank you all for your replies.
@Atwhatcost: You're right, I didn't say that I have told him what I need from him, but I have. He either denies doing what I am talking about, or he gets mad and hangs up on me, or leaves saying he won't be treated this way.
@Dino246: I have not read that book, but it sounds like I should! Thank you, I'll have to check it out.
This is very difficult for me, and I think about it daily, and continue to pray for him. I love my dad, and don't want him to live a life of hate towards others, and especially his family.
Thanks again everyone, I really do appreciate the responses!
Click to expand...
Telling him what you need from him isn't negotiating. It's demanding.

Here's the difference in an unrelated example:
"I need you to say what you mean."
vs.
"When you said that, I thought you meant this. Because of that, I did such-and-such, you got angry, I got defensive, and then we had a big fight. I really do want to understand what you mean, so we don't keep fighting. I like you, so I hate fighting with you. Because I didn't get what you meant, next time can you rephrase it something like this? And, if you don't want to, or know you'll forget, what can we do to change the way we do this? Any ideas?"

That way the person doesn't have to resort to defensive mode, and can get what he wants out of the next time too.

The two of you have a set pattern that guarantees the same outcome. Change the pattern and truly listen to what he has to say. After all, his pattern works well enough for him that he sees no reason to change it. Can't you say the same thing about your pattern?
 
H

happysoul

Guest
#11
#11
That's good advice. Thank you!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.