Seeking advice

[Aletrist]

I have posted this as a blog on my page but it was suggested to post on this forum.I am 28, been married almost 3 years, and have 2 beautiful sons. I have never had anyone explain religion to me growing up, nothing more than you go to church praise the lord and live right. My husband is an abusive alcoholic. It didn't start it that way, the physical abuse started about a year ago. He had choked me to the point of losing consciousness several times, but the last time was 2 weeks ago. He was drunk, he choked me until I passed out, while I was out I felt like I was having a dream but watching what was going on in the room like a fly on the wall. I came to confused and he was waiting to choke me again. The next day he always asks to be forgiven, swears to never drink again, and I don't know what I am supposed to do. I pray for a change of heart and understanding. I have been physical with my husband as well while drinking, but it is out of fear and self defense. He is the one working, I have no friends any longer, no family to help, and I truly don't want to give up on my marriage. He is good when he doesn't drink, but the things he has said to me while drunk have stuck with me and I feel so worthless at times. Would the lord ever call me to leave my marriage? I am trying to read the bible, pray that I understand the way he needs me to, but I am not very knowledgeable, so I am seeking advice outside of the situation. Thank you for reading this.

 

[blue_ladybug]

One, he is an alcoholic. Get him into rehab. Two, he's going to end up killing you one of these days when he chokes you out. :/ And your kids will be left without a mother. Are you both christians? Is he willing to get counseling and go to rehab? Only God knows what can be done here. Seek your answers from Him.. not us.. all we can do is offer opinions and advice. God doesn't want you living in fear and danger. Your husband is dangerous when he drinks. Get him some help, pray for him in the meantime. If he refuses to get help, leave him and let God handle it. You don't deserve to almost get killed every time he's drunk. Put YOU AND YOUR KIDS safety first..

 

[jsr1221]

You need to take you and your kids and leave. And tell your husband you won't return until he gets help right away. God doesn't want you to sit and take it. Your husband is a loose cannon, and you need to take action before you wind up dead.

 

[NewWine]

Wow! First, I will keep your family in prayer.
It looks like you BOTH need some professional help here, more than I am qualified to offer. What I see, from what you posted, there are unresolved emotional issues for both of you, alcohol issues, anger issues, and flat out abuse on both parts. Your pastor should be able to help you find reliable assistance here. If you don't have a "home Church", ask a Christian friend for a reference to one. You will need it to continue this journey. We weren't made to walk alone, we need to be picked-up and dusted-off sometimes, and a good support of Christian friends is a great help here.

Along with professional help, I would pray constantly for peace, protection, health both emotionally and physically, and guidance. God can overcome any obstacle for and with you, so make sure you keep Him involved in your journey to recovery.

Personally, for my protection and his protection, I would separate from my husband in this case, at least temporarily, while we both get it together. Then from there make the choices necessary to continue. However, I can't tell you what to do here, again I am not qualified.

Delve into the Bible to keep learning. Reading it isn't enough. You have to really study to learn the fuller meanings of things. There should be some great Bible study tools available at your local library, online or I am sure someone here, who is more informed than I, will have some suggestions for you on this.

Philippians 4:13 [SUP]13 [/SUP]I can do all things through Christ[SUP][a][/SUP] who strengthens me.
Isaiah 40:31 They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall
run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

You can get through this.

In all things Keep Christ FIRST!
Peace!

 

[pwrnJC]

No alcoholic hubby is "GOOD". You are trapped. You are deceived and you are gullible..PERIOD! What do you do? You take action by surpassing your low self esteem and begin to realize that you need to boost your moral, your safety depends on it, by doing all you can to separate yourself from this SINKHOLE!!!!! You do not stand alone, but even then, you are on the firing line, in the trenches with this disease because you have stood by it. THere is NO shame in reaching out to local help, as far as the AA, or a trusted pastor...or social services. "LIVING RIGHT" also means using the COMMON SENSE That GOD gives to HIS children....start in deep prayer, allow GOD to open doors so that you can get professional help, but even better, good spiritual help...which gives you the courage to stand up to this satanic episode that you are living in. GOD knows what you are dealing with..but you just can't sit and do nothing...start making those phone calls, those connections..anything that will begin to liberate you from this. You have honored your marriage..he hasn't. IT it totally up to you, not your family or friends to lift you out of this chasm. Look up to GOD...and start this very minute...you cannot allow this to continue. AA is a huge help, because I have seen it work in the homeless shelter that I have affiliated with. They understand!

 

[Aletrist]

Thank you all for the advice. I am currently looking into the YWCA in my area that is for this type of situation. I currently live in Nashville, if anyone knows of a better program or organization please let me know. I will continue to pray and study the Bible. My faith is not broken. I don't have a home church or any friends that are Christian, that is why I turned here to get advice from Christians that are more knowledgeable than I am. Thank you all so much for the prayers.

 

[NewWine]

And PLEASE make sure the children are safe, and that they get any help they need to process and heal from all of this as well.

 

[zoii]

I have posted this as a blog on my page but it was suggested to post on this forum.I am 28, been married almost 3 years, and have 2 beautiful sons. I have never had anyone explain religion to me growing up, nothing more than you go to church praise the lord and live right. My husband is an abusive alcoholic. It didn't start it that way, the physical abuse started about a year ago. He had choked me to the point of losing consciousness several times, but the last time was 2 weeks ago. He was drunk, he choked me until I passed out, while I was out I felt like I was having a dream but watching what was going on in the room like a fly on the wall. I came to confused and he was waiting to choke me again. The next day he always asks to be forgiven, swears to never drink again, and I don't know what I am supposed to do. I pray for a change of heart and understanding. I have been physical with my husband as well while drinking, but it is out of fear and self defense. He is the one working, I have no friends any longer, no family to help, and I truly don't want to give up on my marriage. He is good when he doesn't drink, but the things he has said to me while drunk have stuck with me and I feel so worthless at times. Would the lord ever call me to leave my marriage? I am trying to read the bible, pray that I understand the way he needs me to, but I am not very knowledgeable, so I am seeking advice outside of the situation. Thank you for reading this.

I am worried for you. Sis please do some practical things. You need to see an independent counsellor preferably with domestic Violence care agency. They will alert you to things that you should be aware of. Do not become financially isolated. Make sure you have access to money. Lastly.... the last time he assaulted you MUST be the last time - any actual or threatened violence should result in consequences for him - these consequences you MUST plan now - they should range from leaving, police n I am sure u can brain storm others. I know what its like to be beaten by a man. I know what its like to be the victim of attempted murder. Don't you become the next victim.

 

[Ugly]

Do know that abusive people RARELY change. The chances of your marriage ever improving and the abuse stopping are very, very slim. Yes, God can change a person, but the abuser has to admit the abuse is his fault, not anyone elses. And since abusers Always blame the victim for the abuse and never own it (not in a real way, just with words to bring the victim back or keep them from leaving).
You are in a textbook situation. Drinking. Isolated. No money of your own. Apologies. Promises to change that never mean anything. You feeling trapped. Giving in to sex out of fear not love. You with a perpetual hope that he will actually change. Not having him put in jail. Feeling that the 'right' thing to do is stay. All of these are stereotypical of abusers and victims. I have known many women who have been in some level of abusive relationship, so i'm quite well acquainted with the signs.

Your husband has broken his marriage vows. Over and over. And will continue to do so. This is not what God has called you to, being a victim of the physical pain and mental torture of abuse.

While this goes on your children learn to either become abusive, or accept that being abused themselves is ok. They will grow up with fear and anger as they observe this behavior. And if you think they are clueless to it, then you to learn how wrong that thinking is. Even if they are too young, now, to grasp it, they will as they get old enough. It's impossible to hide it.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but this is not God's will. And chances of your husband stopping are very, very slim. And if he ever were it will require a lot of accountability, counseling (he is active in), consequences and time. Even abusers willing to own up and try to change won't change quickly. Essentially you're looking at him requiring no less than a year of counseling that he is showing a genuine interest in taking, while you are living apart. That's pretty much a best case scenario at this point, assuming he will try to change at all.

 

[atwhatcost]

I have posted this as a blog on my page but it was suggested to post on this forum.I am 28, been married almost 3 years, and have 2 beautiful sons. I have never had anyone explain religion to me growing up, nothing more than you go to church praise the lord and live right. My husband is an abusive alcoholic. It didn't start it that way, the physical abuse started about a year ago. He had choked me to the point of losing consciousness several times, but the last time was 2 weeks ago. He was drunk, he choked me until I passed out, while I was out I felt like I was having a dream but watching what was going on in the room like a fly on the wall. I came to confused and he was waiting to choke me again. The next day he always asks to be forgiven, swears to never drink again, and I don't know what I am supposed to do. I pray for a change of heart and understanding. I have been physical with my husband as well while drinking, but it is out of fear and self defense. He is the one working, I have no friends any longer, no family to help, and I truly don't want to give up on my marriage. He is good when he doesn't drink, but the things he has said to me while drunk have stuck with me and I feel so worthless at times. Would the lord ever call me to leave my marriage? I am trying to read the bible, pray that I understand the way he needs me to, but I am not very knowledgeable, so I am seeking advice outside of the situation. Thank you for reading this.

There are only two reasons given that I ever tell a spouse to RUN away from a spouse -- bigamy and physical abuse. He's almost killed you several times.

RUN!!! Do not walk, do not sit, do not believe the bull he's handing you after nearly choking you. They all say I'm sorry, tears included, the next day. He may be, but not enough to stop. He WILL kill you. Honest. Happens 75% of the time when the person stays with the abuser. RUN!

Contact the cops, your pastor, a helpline, whatever, but find one thing -- a shelter for abused women. Do this now. Call them. Be prepared to pack just the essentials for you and your kids. And before he comes home from work tonight -- start your new life.

THEN we'll tell you about God.

 

[atwhatcost]

One, he is an alcoholic. Get him into rehab. Two, he's going to end up killing you one of these days when he chokes you out. :/ And your kids will be left without a mother. Are you both christians? Is he willing to get counseling and go to rehab? Only God knows what can be done here. Seek your answers from Him.. not us.. all we can do is offer opinions and advice. God doesn't want you living in fear and danger. Your husband is dangerous when he drinks. Get him some help, pray for him in the meantime. If he refuses to get help, leave him and let God handle it. You don't deserve to almost get killed every time he's drunk. Put YOU AND YOUR KIDS safety first..

Telling him to go into rehab is only giving him an excuse to choke her again. Maybe kill her next time. (There are times to retreat. This is one. )

 

[atwhatcost]

Thank you all for the advice. I am currently looking into the YWCA in my area that is for this type of situation. I currently live in Nashville, if anyone knows of a better program or organization please let me know. I will continue to pray and study the Bible. My faith is not broken. I don't have a home church or any friends that are Christian, that is why I turned here to get advice from Christians that are more knowledgeable than I am. Thank you all so much for the prayers.

I know a better place than that, but no one but local people can tell you where it is. It's a woman's shelter for abused woman. We can't tell you where it is because if we can find it online so can the abusive husbands. They're out to protect the wife. There out to teach how to make it on your own without him. They're out to help you get counseling and start your new life. But they're really out to hide from the abuser too, so they don't advertise. That's why I suggested the cops, your pastor or a helpline. I suspect the helpline won't work, because abusers would think to call them too, so they probably don't even advertise to Helpline. You're going underground for a while, but they will help you to rise above this.

The Y can give you shelter for one or two nights, but a woman's shelter can give you a new life in 1-6 months. And they're set up to help you every step of the way.

 

[atwhatcost]

Do know that abusive people RARELY change. The chances of your marriage ever improving and the abuse stopping are very, very slim. Yes, God can change a person, but the abuser has to admit the abuse is his fault, not anyone elses. And since abusers Always blame the victim for the abuse and never own it (not in a real way, just with words to bring the victim back or keep them from leaving).
You are in a textbook situation. Drinking. Isolated. No money of your own. Apologies. Promises to change that never mean anything. You feeling trapped. Giving in to sex out of fear not love. You with a perpetual hope that he will actually change. Not having him put in jail. Feeling that the 'right' thing to do is stay. All of these are stereotypical of abusers and victims. I have known many women who have been in some level of abusive relationship, so i'm quite well acquainted with the signs.

Your husband has broken his marriage vows. Over and over. And will continue to do so. This is not what God has called you to, being a victim of the physical pain and mental torture of abuse.

While this goes on your children learn to either become abusive, or accept that being abused themselves is ok. They will grow up with fear and anger as they observe this behavior. And if you think they are clueless to it, then you to learn how wrong that thinking is. Even if they are too young, now, to grasp it, they will as they get old enough. It's impossible to hide it.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but this is not God's will. And chances of your husband stopping are very, very slim. And if he ever were it will require a lot of accountability, counseling (he is active in), consequences and time. Even abusers willing to own up and try to change won't change quickly. Essentially you're looking at him requiring no less than a year of counseling that he is showing a genuine interest in taking, while you are living apart. That's pretty much a best case scenario at this point, assuming he will try to change at all.

Well, they rarely change, and it's a miracle from God (with effort attached to it) that makes it happen. Not "never." Merely 98% of the time they don't change. And that includes abusers that are believers.

 

[BarlyGurl]

Thank you all for the advice. I am currently looking into the YWCA in my area that is for this type of situation. I currently live in Nashville, if anyone knows of a better program or organization please let me know. I will continue to pray and study the Bible. My faith is not broken. I don't have a home church or any friends that are Christian, that is why I turned here to get advice from Christians that are more knowledgeable than I am. Thank you all so much for the prayers.

Basically what you described in your original post is that your husband has more that once attempted to MURDER YOU during a drunkenness. So please allow yourself to recognize that truth.... and due what is needed to keep yourself safe and your children. If he were a stranger trying to murder you... he would be in jail right now under charges... being married to him does make his conduct acceptable or EXCUSABLE because of the marriage license.

 

[blue_ladybug]

I am worried for you. Sis please do some practical things. You need to see an independent counsellor preferably with domestic Violence care agency. They will alert you to things that you should be aware of. Do not become financially isolated. Make sure you have access to money. Lastly.... the last time he assaulted you MUST be the last time - any actual or threatened violence should result in consequences for him - these consequences you MUST plan now - they should range from leaving, police n I am sure u can brain storm others. I know what its like to be beaten by a man. I know what its like to be the victim of attempted murder. Don't you become the next victim.

One of my exes was physically abusive to me, and also to the girlfriends he had before and after me. We would get into screaming matches and he would get physical with me. I had to call the cops on him multiple times. I got a restraining order, and he broke it many times. Finally, he got me evicted out of my apartment. When I told him he had to get out and stay out, he flipped out. He grabbed me by the throat and choked me until I couldn't breathe. It's only by God's grace that he let go of me..

To the OP, I agree with zoii and atwhatcost. Abusers very rarely stop their abuse, until or unless they end up killing their victim. Fortunately, I got out but there are countless others who didn't, and won't. Like zoii said, don't be the next victim. Stop putting your life and the lives of your kids in jeopardy. If he's violent enough to try and kill you, then he will eventually turn on them too.

 

[Dan58]

I am currently looking into the YWCA in my area that is for this type of situation.

Good.. Your husband needs a wake-up call, make arrangements to leave and don't tell him, just leave a note and an Alcoholics Anonymous pamphlet telling him you won't return until he stops drinking. In the meantime, if he acts up, call the police and report it, they will take him to jail if he lays a hand on you. Never accept his drinking as an excuse for abusing you, lots of men drink but don't strangle their wives, he also has anger management problems. Your avatar says it all, he might be okay when he's sober, but your living with an abusive drunk. Get out and get safe. jmo

 

[blue_ladybug]

Yes, you've got to leave. Wait until he's not home, then quickly pack bags for you and the kids, and go to a shelter.. Don't tell ANYONE where you're going. He will grill your friends to find where you are, and I'm sure they don't want to be in a position to put you in more danger by telling him where you are..

 

[shotgunner]

Get out now!!! Drinking is no excuse. Nothing is an excuse for violence, ever!! I honestly don't think you should ever go back. It would take some serious long term counseling for your husband to ever change.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Take important things with you, such as meds, money, cell phone and wallet/ checkbook..

 

[atwhatcost]

Take important things with you, such as meds, money, cell phone and wallet/ checkbook..

Not cell phone or checkbook. They probably have a joint account. Even if they don't he's got links to her through that account. He has a link to her through the phone too. He might even give a sob story to her mother so Mom calls her and he can find out where she is. He will do everything in his power to talk her into coming home. Not credit cards, because they can be traced.

Grab as much money out of the account as possible and then ditch the debit card too.

Hopefully the women's shelter can get the kids records too, so she can find a new place to live, keep the kids in school -- a new school -- and he doesn't find them for a year or two. He may not change in that year or two, but she has to learn, and learn quickly, to get out of the cycle of being a victim.