Relationship Crisis - In need of help!!!

Elizabeths03 · Aug 21, 2015

I dont really know where to start, but first let me apologize if my post becomes extremely long. I have been with my partner for a year now and we are both Christians. The main issue we are facing is that we argue a lot, some are justified but most we don't even know how it started. This is because a mere disagreement on something insignificant can turn into us not talking for a week.

We had a deep conversation the other night and we both agree that we need to work on our communication as we are both feeling overwhelmed and unhappy about the situation.

I work in a law firm and lets just say that i have a very strong character. I have seen how my mother was with my father (submissive wife) but i have been in bad relationships before which has hardened me and my ways. He mentioned some behaviors that I have to which i agree and would like to work on but it is hard.

- We don't live together yet, but I around his place a lot and he complained about the fact that he feels i want to apply my rules around his place instead of watching how he does things around his place or ask.
- When we argue, i either shut down in silence or i become aggressive, he feels i cannot take criticisms.
- I have a very strong outgoing personality and he is introvert, and he feels like sometimes i overpower him.
- I'm always contradicting him or think that I am always right.

etc...

The main issue I have is that first we are not yet married and therefore I do not understand why I have to be submissive now (he says he can't enter into marriage with me if he doesn't see that I can be a good wife) also I am scared that by doing this im giving him control. Like i said i was in bad relationships before where my ex was abusive and I stayed with him 3 years because i thought i needed to accept everything as i wanted to marry him. I came out of the relationship broken and without life, and i swore to myself that I would never let any man walk over me or have control over me ever again. But how can i find balance? My partner is nothing like him, but he is very traditional (African) in the sense that the wife should cook, clean, hold the house together etc... Dont get me wrong Im not looking to escape those duties i just dont want to become a slave. I also want to be fulfilled in my relationship and not feel inferior or that my voice will not be heard.

I hope i gave enough details but please feel free to ask questions. I would really appreciate it if some Wives responded to my post and gave me some tips, as I don't really have many people I can get advice from.

Thank You in advance

atwhatcost · Aug 21, 2015

You might want to learn more about submission. Submission isn't he gets his way all the time. It's a partnership. Got a problem? Talk it over. Got a plan? Talk it out. See if you both can come to some kind of agreement. His job is to love you. Your job is to submit/trust him. (Yes, the two words go hand-in-hand.) Because he loves you, he takes into account your wants and needs. Because you trust him, you take in his wants and needs. A major word in the relationship in "consensus." Most the time there ought to be consensus. If there isn't, then something is wrong. You're not acting as partners.

And when there is no census, he gets final vote. (I've been married for close to 35 years. One time we had to take that option. He wanted us to move into the Big City -- Philadelphia. We lived across the river from it and driving in it scared me so much, I would rather get off the last exit before the bridge when I got lost and end up in downtown Camden -- as bad as Detroit -- on a Saturday night at 2 AM -- then cross that bridge. Missed that exit once, and ended on the bridge. When I got to the toll booth I was hysterical and begged the operator to let me do a U-turn. My two big fears were, since I was already lost, I needed time to slow down at intersections to find out where I was, but you don't slow down in Philly. AND, I couldn't parallel park. Regular parallel parking. My street is a one way street so parallel parking can be on either side of the street. No one ever taught me to parallel park on the left side. Never lived where that info was needed before. lol He seriously had to promise me to PATIENTLY -- Dad had absolutely no patience with me when I was learning to drive, so that was very important, that and no freaking out when the tire went over the curb or we heard scrapping sounds when I hit something -- teach me how to parallel park and how to tell where I was, before we moved here.)

And the CEO of the partnership is God. Whenever there is a want or need, first thing both of you do is find out if God has something to say. Sometimes he doesn't. (Honest. God doesn't care if the car is white or black. He might want you to consider the obvious -- can you afford it? But minor stuff like color is stuff he doesn't give you a vision about. lol)

You're 27. This is one of those things where an older woman in your church -- someone you trust, someone with a good marriage -- can give you lots of how-to lessons like Titus 2 says the older woman are supposed to do. (Big hint. It also says what the younger women are supposed to do, the older men, and the younger men, so everyone involved is busy doing what they're supposed to do. lol)

If you're plan is to marry this guy, then yes, submitting starts now. You got to trust him before you marry him. (You can still have that emotional wary you have because of last relationship. That's just a feeling. The trust I mean is a logical choice using your brain, until it goes into your heart too.) Best thing I ever did before I even met the guy I married was to take God at his word, and practice Titus 2. Mom died when I was just 16, so I never learned how to be a good wife/helper. A couple older women took me under their wings and taught me. (One -- my matron-of-honor -- tried to set me up with her BIL. I had no idea she was trying to do that until later. He was my best friend, and introduced me to his best friend -- future hubby. Only when she found out we were engaged did she figure out why I was so dense on her hints. lol)

Elizabeths03 · Aug 21, 2015

Thank You very much for taking the time to reply, and everything you said made perfect sense. I guess I have to find a way to put it into practice.

I am a new church member where i worship so I don't know many people yet but I will approach the pastor for advice and help on finding someone that could guide me.

If you don't mind me asking, how did you practice Titus 2 and what teachings did these elder women give you that you feel you should pass on?

atwhatcost · Aug 21, 2015

Elizabeths03 said:

Have you read Proverbs 31 yet? It's about the ideal believer woman. I call myself "The Proverbs 32 woman," because I'm the opposite of her. lol

I didn't know squat. The only thing I learned from Mom was how to clean a house. Cleaning a house doesn't fill a stomach, doesn't pay the bills, doesn't get a job, (well, unless you count the times I cleaned for a living lol), and doesn't teach me how to relate to a husband. (Mom couldn't teach me that because my Dad avoided/avoids relating all together. Nothing to see about a good marriage in that marriage.)

I couldn't even figure out how to open a checking account. So they really had a clean slate to work with, (although I surprised them sometimes, because Mom taught me some very little known things. How many mothers teach their daughters how to rebind a book or how to keep meal-worms alive to feed the reptiles? lol) Mostly they taught me how to love hubby and how to love kids, although, as it turned out, most of the loving kids part was done by loving nephews and nieces. We never could have kids. Sounds sad, except after we found out we couldn't, we also found out each of us was trying because we thought the other wanted them.

Also a good reason to truly talk to your guy. We spent our first vacation as husband and wife at the Jersey Shore. When we got home we found out the same thing -- neither of us like the Jersey Shore. lol

We did get better at that communicating thingy as we got accustom to each other. I can make meatloaf and Chicken Curry. Outside of that, he makes dinners. (I learned to make other things too, but mostly related to hotdogs and sausages, which have high salt content, and he's got high-blood pressure. I've learned desserts because both of us are diabetics, but like sweet things. Splenda -- great invention!) Paying the bills and doing tax forms makes him queasy. I much preferred learning how to be a bookkeeper for a company, but only because I got to spend a lot of money without lousing any of my money. But because I hate to spend our money on boring stuff (utilities and mortgages lol), I also learned how to get the best deals. We're not your traditional couple. But, we talked it out and figured out the things we could do that the other despised. They say most people hate washing dishes. Funny. We both prefer doing that to any other chore.

Elizabeths03 · Aug 21, 2015

I've read it many times and i'm currently trying to study it and she seems like wonder woman to me lol. I guess I have to put a lot of effort into wanting to learn and making it work and the rest will fall into place.

NewWine · Aug 21, 2015

One thing my marriage has taught me is that my faith and trust in God helps me to trust my husband's judgements and leadership in our home. I trust God, so my eyes are opened to both good and bad choices of his. I trust God, so I am able to tell him lovingly when I disagree with something. He trust's God enough to explain things to me when I don't understand or when I disagree. I trust God, so I have the place to go to search for answers when I am unsure. I trust God........so I can submit to my husband who loves me as Christ loves him. That doesn't mean we never quarrel or that I always agree with what he says, it simply means that I trust him enough to love me as Christ loves him, giving me the encouragement to step out in faith to do anything.
Peace!

Elizabeths03 · Aug 21, 2015

NewWine said:

One thing my marriage has taught me is that my faith and trust in God helps me to trust my husband's judgements and leadership in our home. I trust God, so my eyes are opened to both good and bad choices of his. I trust God, so I am able to tell him lovingly when I disagree with something. He trust's God enough to explain things to me when I don't understand or when I disagree. I trust God, so I have the place to go to search for answers when I am unsure. I trust God........so I can submit to my husband who loves me as Christ loves him. That doesn't mean we never quarrel or that I always agree with what he says, it simply means that I trust him enough to love me as Christ loves him, giving me the encouragement to step out in faith to do anything.
Peace!

Thank You very much, I will work on my faith and trust in God and hopefully the rest will follow automatically.

kaylagrl · Aug 21, 2015

Elizabeths03 said:

Ive shared this before but it seems maybe you could benefit from it.I came from a background of very dominant men and some abusive.They are Christians and believe very much in the submissive model of marriage.I had a very low opinion of marriage because of what I had seen.In fact I had not intention of getting married because I did not want to have that kind of dominance over me and I was taught that was the only Godly way to have a marriage.

About seven years ago I met the man Im married to today.Hes calm and easy going,Im high strung and a worrier.It took his help to learn to calm down and that I was making life harder than it had to be.I must say we didnt have much problems communicating but I laid down the law.You wont tell me this,you wont force me to do that etc. And he just listened and loved me through it all and understood my background and why I felt the way I did.I tell him all the time "you changed my opinion of men". We're married now and he had been a bachelor a long time and like your guy had a very precise way that he did things around his house.We didnt live together and we got a steal on a home so he moved into our house a year before I did.I felt like and intruder.He had everything arranged and set up and a way he did everything.I was overwhelmed.I had had a job where I was on the road all year.I had no idea what to do or where to start.I got online and got as much info as I could. At first my husband was always giving advice without being pushy.I tried to do it his way and became stressed.So I just thought, "Im a wife now,this is my job and my kitchen." I took it alllll over,two story house,top to bottom.Last week,coming up on our first year of marriage,he said "how did you do it?! you've become so domesticated!" He said he was proud of me but that it takes years to learn all that I am doing. He joked that he thought Id burn the house down.lol I dont blame him. So I think your guy may have some trust issues too.You cant prove you're a good wife until you're a wife.Can he prove he'll be a good husband? You'll learn to share each others space when the time comes,trust me,dont bother with that now.

Im also a shut down type of person.If you're like me,once you get married you'll see that doesnt solve much and you have to talk.I use to email my husband my feelings because it was easier to me than trying to express myself.It worked for us you may want to give it a try.Once you write down your feelings you can see where you may be acting immature or whatever the case.Now I am able to talk a little more face to face.Luckily I have a husband who seems to know my moods pretty well and can articulate my feelings more than I can. But it helps to write down your feelings,it may help you.

Now a lot of Christians get hung up on the submissive thing,we havent. We both cook,we both do laundry.If theres a job to be done we do it.We dont say "well thats a mans/womans job". I changed out a light switch that was wired incorrectly a couple weeks ago,to my husbands amazement. Ive painted just about anything standing still in the house.But we dont get hung up on who's boss. We communicate and decide together what we're going to do. If anything Id say we submit to each other.We try to focus on what makes the other person happy.Dont get bogged down with rules.You both need to relax and trust each other.You've got the cart before the horse.

Lastly there is no way to prove you will be a good wife.Your guy is going to have to give you time to adjust,patience and understanding. Im sure my husband was white knuckling it the first months of our marriage.He told recently I have to stop baking because he's gained too much weight! Trust me,my whole family didnt think I could be a wife.I know they were talking behind my back saying my poor husband would have to do all the work.He never said anything,he had patience and encouraged me.Your future husband is going to have to cut you some slack and give up control.You can change your personality to a certain extent but if he is passive and you are outgoing that is your dynamic.If he cant handle that and has to feel like the dominant man and isnt willing to change too you may be heading for a problem.You both need to get real about what you want in a marriage.Because if he wants a submissive,quiet,knit him socks kind of wife thats not you! Be truthful with yourselves. If he has to be dominate to feel like a man then he may have to look for a woman that is willing to fulfill that need.You cannot change your personality and stay happy in a marriage.You can make changes but you are still you.My husband is more passive,dont rock the boat. Im going to say what I think,dang the consequences.He's helping me level out but Im still me.

A quick story...we like to walk around the Capitol in our city. I took my little dog,everyone loves her.As we were walking a guy in uniform walks up and says "you cant have that dog here,it may got to the bathroom on the walkway." My husband says "yes sir,thank you" and turns to go. I say?? Ummm theres no sign saying that." My husband is having a grand mal seizure and tugs at my arm. The guy says "ya you cant have the dog here." "But theres no posted sign!" I maintain. My husband,6'4,is ready to pick me up and walk away with both me AND the dog.He was upset with me.Why make such a deal,you cant talk to cops like that! Well he wasnt a cop but a security guard.I called the Capitol and tell them the story and say "There is no posted sign.No keep off the grass,nothing.Legally you dont have a leg to stand on."They agreed and said they would speak to the security man about it".A few weeks later we go back to the Capitol and Im walking with purpose.My husband looked at me and said "you're hoping to run into him again with your dog arent you?" he started laughing at me. Thats me,I get things done.He teases me and says "you're so bad" and I say "arent you glad Im on your side." Hes learned to pull me back when I need it and let me go when its not a big deal.Either way I hope things work out for you.You're both going to have to learn to accept each other as you are. Basically your personality is set and you cant expect someone to be 100 degrees different then who they are. You need to figure out of you can live with these differences or if you are too different to make things work.But if you get hung up on who's right and who's boss do yourself a favor and stay single.Thats a battle you'll never win.Wish you all the best.

atwhatcost · Aug 21, 2015

Elizabeths03 said:

She's Wonder Woman to me still. I want to be her when I grow up. lol

It's really not a lot of effort like thoroughly cleaning a house is a lot of effort. It's more like doing something you're passionate about. You still need to learn how to do it, but the passionate part makes it enjoyable. And, in this case, you're not alone putting in all the effort. Pray God softens your heart to do this and he will do most of the softening. All we're doing is exercising it so it doesn't go rigid again.

I can give you a piece of advice a great teacher gave us. It is in human nature to keep score, but we tend to give ourselves too much credit and the other person too little credit. If we think marriage is a 50/50 relationship, (I know you're not married yet, but it sounds like you are considering it), so we're only responsible for 50% of the effort, what happens is we do 20% and get angry at our partner for not doing the rest. It's best not to keep score. But, since most of us can't manage that, then stack the deck. Do for your partner 90%. In reality, that probably really is 50%, but it stops being about scores and starts being about caring for the other. And, the only way to have the heart to do even that little is to keep seeking God.

We've put that into practice for over a decade now and it really works.

atwhatcost · Aug 21, 2015

kaylagrl said:

Ive shared this before but it seems maybe you could benefit from it.I came from a background of very dominant men and some abusive.They are Christians and believe very much in the submissive model of marriage.I had a very low opinion of marriage because of what I had seen.In fact I had not intention of getting married because I did not want to have that kind of dominance over me and I was taught that was the only Godly way to have a marriage.

About seven years ago I met the man Im married to today.Hes calm and easy going,Im high strung and a worrier.It took his help to learn to calm down and that I was making life harder than it had to be.I must say we didnt have much problems communicating but I laid down the law.You wont tell me this,you wont force me to do that etc. And he just listened and loved me through it all and understood my background and why I felt the way I did.I tell him all the time "you changed my opinion of men". We're married now and he had been a bachelor a long time and like your guy had a very precise way that he did things around his house.We didnt live together and we got a steal on a home so he moved into our house a year before I did.I felt like and intruder.He had everything arranged and set up and a way he did everything.I was overwhelmed.I had had a job where I was on the road all year.I had no idea what to do or where to start.I got online and got as much info as I could. At first my husband was always giving advice without being pushy.I tried to do it his way and became stressed.So I just thought, "Im a wife now,this is my job and my kitchen." I took it alllll over,two story house,top to bottom.Last week,coming up on our first year of marriage,he said "how did you do it?! you've become so domesticated!" He said he was proud of me but that it takes years to learn all that I am doing. He joked that he thought Id burn the house down.lol I dont blame him. So I think your guy may have some trust issues too.You cant prove you're a good wife until you're a wife.Can he prove he'll be a good husband? You'll learn to share each others space when the time comes,trust me,dont bother with that now.

Im also a shut down type of person.If you're like me,once you get married you'll see that doesnt solve much and you have to talk.I use to email my husband my feelings because it was easier to me than trying to express myself.It worked for us you may want to give it a try.Once you write down your feelings you can see where you may be acting immature or whatever the case.Now I am able to talk a little more face to face.Luckily I have a husband who seems to know my moods pretty well and can articulate my feelings more than I can. But it helps to write down your feelings,it may help you.

Now a lot of Christians get hung up on the submissive thing,we havent. We both cook,we both do laundry.If theres a job to be done we do it.We dont say "well thats a mans/womans job". I changed out a light switch that was wired incorrectly a couple weeks ago,to my husbands amazement. Ive painted just about anything standing still in the house.But we dont get hung up on who's boss. We communicate and decide together what we're going to do. If anything Id say we submit to each other.We try to focus on what makes the other person happy.Dont get bogged down with rules.You both need to relax and trust each other.You've got the cart before the horse.

Lastly there is no way to prove you will be a good wife.Your guy is going to have to give you time to adjust,patience and understanding. Im sure my husband was white knuckling it the first months of our marriage.He told recently I have to stop baking because he's gained too much weight! Trust me,my whole family didnt think I could be a wife.I know they were talking behind my back saying my poor husband would have to do all the work.He never said anything,he had patience and encouraged me.Your future husband is going to have to cut you some slack and give up control.You can change your personality to a certain extent but if he is passive and you are outgoing that is your dynamic.If he cant handle that and has to feel like the dominant man and isnt willing to change too you may be heading for a problem.You both need to get real about what you want in a marriage.Because if he wants a submissive,quiet,knit him socks kind of wife thats not you! Be truthful with yourselves. If he has to be dominate to feel like a man then he may have to look for a woman that is willing to fulfill that need.You cannot change your personality and stay happy in a marriage.You can make changes but you are still you.My husband is more passive,dont rock the boat. Im going to say what I think,dang the consequences.He's helping me level out but Im still me.

A quick story...we like to walk around the Capitol in our city. I took my little dog,everyone loves her.As we were walking a guy in uniform walks up and says "you cant have that dog here,it may got to the bathroom on the walkway." My husband says "yes sir,thank you" and turns to go. I say?? Ummm theres no sign saying that." My husband is having a grand mal seizure and tugs at my arm. The guy says "ya you cant have the dog here." "But theres no posted sign!" I maintain. My husband,6'4,is ready to pick me up and walk away with both me AND the dog.He was upset with me.Why make such a deal,you cant talk to cops like that! Well he wasnt a cop but a security guard.I called the Capitol and tell them the story and say "There is no posted sign.No keep off the grass,nothing.Legally you dont have a leg to stand on."They agreed and said they would speak to the security man about it".A few weeks later we go back to the Capitol and Im walking with purpose.My husband looked at me and said "you're hoping to run into him again with your dog arent you?" he started laughing at me. Thats me,I get things done.He teases me and says "you're so bad" and I say "arent you glad Im on your side." Hes learned to pull me back when I need it and let me go when its not a big deal.Either way I hope things work out for you.You're both going to have to learn to accept each other as you are. Basically your personality is set and you cant expect someone to be 100 degrees different then who they are. You need to figure out of you can live with these differences or if you are too different to make things work.But if you get hung up on who's right and who's boss do yourself a favor and stay single.Thats a battle you'll never win.Wish you all the best.

I love your story.

We have one housekeeping rule hubby picked up from a friend. "If it bothers you, deal with it." It stops all arguments for who is supposed to do what. lol

Elizabeths03 · Aug 21, 2015

I am grateful for your responses you have given me the advice i need to start working on this and hopefully it will be the start of something wonderful.

May God continue to bless you and your marriages so that you may continue to be examples for others!

Angela53510 · Aug 21, 2015

I would not marry this man, until you get things straightened out about his wrong definition of submission.

He sounds like he believes in "total, blind obedience" instead of submission. Submission is mutual in the Bible, and any man who believes it means asking "how high?" on the way up, after he says jump, is sadly mistaken and probably misognyistic.

"submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ." Eph. 5:21

There is nothing wrong with you choosing to be the homemaker if you are not working. But if he expects you to work, and do all the housework, he is a lazy, spoilt and entitled man. It took some hard years in my marriage, working full time and being responsible for all the housework and all the child minding. He used to say, "But I change the oil on the cars every six months, that's my job!"

So I started reading and learning about what God did expect from a marriage, and it wasn't a slave and a master, nor a parent and child. Eph. 6 is quite clear those are totally different relationships, and no where in the Bible does it say, "Wives obey your husbands," although some translations wrongly put it that way in 1 Peter 3:1 when the word in Greek is clearly about submitting, especially in the case of unsaved husbands, and winning them to the Lord, in that culture.

I think you need some couples counseling, maybe with someone secular, because if you are in a very conservative church, you might get told you need to obey your husband, instead of submitting one to another.

BarlyGurl · Aug 22, 2015

Elizabeths03 said:

I dont really know where to start, but first let me apologize if my post becomes extremely long. I have been with my partner for a year now and we are both Christians. The main issue we are facing is that we argue a lot, some are justified but most we don't even know how it started. This is because a mere disagreement on something insignificant can turn into us not talking for a week.

We had a deep conversation the other night and we both agree that we need to work on our communication as we are both feeling overwhelmed and unhappy about the situation.

I work in a law firm and lets just say that i have a very strong character. I have seen how my mother was with my father (submissive wife) but i have been in bad relationships before which has hardened me and my ways. He mentioned some behaviors that I have to which i agree and would like to work on but it is hard.

- We don't live together yet, but I around his place a lot and he complained about the fact that he feels i want to apply my rules around his place instead of watching how he does things around his place or ask. this is how you LEARN about how to please your mate by observing his habits and preferences in daily living and DOING THEM.
Just as he should do for you at your home, reciprocal learning about each other... marriage is meant for spouses to serve EACH OTHER but the husband is the God ordered LEADER.
- When we argue, i either shut down in silence or i become aggressive, he feels i cannot take criticisms. can you?
- I have a very strong outgoing personality and he is introvert, and he feels like sometimes i overpower him. I am not taking sides just opening some truth into the INTROVERT for the benefit of the extrovert.... he feels like you overpower him cuz that is how introverts FEEL when they are running low on charge and need down time... and when low on down time can become irritable, short tempered and overly possessive of "space" because it is needed to recharge. But that doesn't exclude that sometimes you might be RESISTING his leadership also
- I'm always contradicting him or think that I am always right. Do you do that? could you do an experiment and for an entire WEEK agree in all things? Just as an experiment... ya know have all your responses be "okay, Yes, sure, sounds great, lets do that, if you would like, no problem, good idea" ?

etc...

The main issue I have is that first we are not yet married and therefore I do not understand why I have to be submissive now (he says he can't enter into marriage with me if he doesn't see that I can be a good wife) also I am scared that by doing this im giving him control. How you conduct yourself in the relationship is how a man determines whether you are wife material and visa versa... not "OH I will be a different person AFTER we are married. Like i said i was in bad relationships before where my ex was abusive and I stayed with him 3 years because i thought i needed to accept everything as i wanted to marry him. I came out of the relationship broken and without life, and i swore to myself that I would never let any man walk over me or have control over me ever again. But how can i find balance? Take a BREAK from the relationship and figure out WHO you are and EXACTLY what you are willing to offer in terms of marriage, being IN a relationship without having decided beforehand what is negotiable and what isn't... is not the place to be trying to figure it out. My partner is nothing like him, but he is very traditional (African) in the sense that the wife should cook, clean, hold the house together etc... Dont get me wrong Im not looking to escape those duties i just dont want to become a slave. I also want to be fulfilled in my relationship and not feel inferior or that my voice will not be heard. The last part sounds like you have trust issues as well as no "longing" for the traditional marriage your BF is wanting.

I hope i gave enough details but please feel free to ask questions. I would really appreciate it if some Wives responded to my post and gave me some tips, as I don't really have many people I can get advice from.

Thank You in advance

My comments are above in BLUE. YOu are probably a great gal and plainly the BF is better than the last one... but I have the impression that YOU are not really ready to be married and perhaps are trying more to negotiate the relationship until you get around to being ready. That is neither fair to your authentic self nor him, because you are both trying to conform the other to desires each has... that the other isn't NATURALLY and FREELY exhibiting in the relationship.

At the least... I think you need to take a break from the relationship and BOTH take time to make some personal "LIFE" decision for your faith walk without the influence of the other person.

AgeofKnowledge · Aug 22, 2015

He's right and wise not to marry you until when and if you figure this out. You do need to learn to let him lead, even when he's wrong (and if so not degrade him for being wrong afterwards). If you can't handle this aspect of marriage, then don't get married.

Elizabeths03 · Aug 22, 2015

Thank you again for your messages.

I am ready to get married, get married to him its just i come from a divorced family where my dad had total control over my mum and my mum was submissive to the point of not having a voice. And I do not want to have this kind if marriage. This is why I'm scared, i only want to get married once and do not want to get divorced at allll.

atwhatcost · Aug 22, 2015

Elizabeths03 said:

Are you sure about that? I'm not saying you can't be. I'm suggesting you make sure first. You may well love him, but do you know what he expects of you? Some folks have suggested he thinks submission really is you bowing down to whatever he says. I didn't see that, but I didn't see where that's not a possibility too. I don't know. You didn't talk much about him, (which is a credit to you.) Is he in this as a partnership or master? No need to answer me, but you need to know for you.

You love him, but do you like him for who he is? Do you have plans on fixing him? If you do, walk away, because you can't. He is what he is and no one can change him but God. If you don't like him for who he is walk away. And, if he is expecting to be the master, walk away.

The best person to marry is the one you can't live without and the one who is already what you want him to be and loves you for who you are. Anything less is a divorce waiting to happen.

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