looking for advice

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wrongsport

Guest
#1
#1
I am having difficulty with something my wife is doing. It may not sound like much to anyone else but to me she might as well be cheating. We have been married for 35 years but spend a lot of time apart because of our jobs. My problem is she likes to drink, wine and who knows what else. I found vodka once but she made up some excuse why she had it. I cannot accept any drinking of any kind of alcohol. I am always depressed and suicide is always in the back of my mind. The major reason I haven't taken this road and probably won't is because I have grandkids and don't know how it would be explained to them where I am at. My granddaughters are what keeps me sane. I have been trying to get up the courage to just leave but that has the same end, whe re is grandpa? I have tried to talk to my wife but it doesn't work, I only find out how terrible of a person I am. I always get the same answer from friends, pray about it but I have given up on that. I don't know what to do and it is eating at me like a cancer. Sometimes I just pray for death to come naturally.
 
Dan58

Dan58

Senior Member
#2
Nov 13, 2013
1,991
338
83
#2

If your wife just enjoys tipping a few to unwind, you may be over-reacting. Consider that she's living with someone who suffers from depression and has suicide on his mind. We all have our little vices that help us cope with such things.

However, if your wife is a raging alcoholic, don't run away until you've tried to get her help or into AA. After reading your post, I'm more concerned with you than your wife. Sounds like you both need to work on yourselves, without deflecting the cause of your discontent onto each other? jmo
 
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atwhatcost

Guest
#3
#3
wrongsport said:
I am having difficulty with something my wife is doing. It may not sound like much to anyone else but to me she might as well be cheating. We have been married for 35 years but spend a lot of time apart because of our jobs. My problem is she likes to drink, wine and who knows what else. I found vodka once but she made up some excuse why she had it. I cannot accept any drinking of any kind of alcohol. I am always depressed and suicide is always in the back of my mind. The major reason I haven't taken this road and probably won't is because I have grandkids and don't know how it would be explained to them where I am at. My granddaughters are what keeps me sane. I have been trying to get up the courage to just leave but that has the same end, whe re is grandpa? I have tried to talk to my wife but it doesn't work, I only find out how terrible of a person I am. I always get the same answer from friends, pray about it but I have given up on that. I don't know what to do and it is eating at me like a cancer. Sometimes I just pray for death to come naturally.
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You've talked to your wife. Good. But did you tell her what you just told us? Did you get to the point where you're suicidal over it? It seems to me that's where the talk ought to start.

Honestly? I don't think drinking alcohol is sin. Well, it is for those who abuse it, but not for those who have a drink now and then. I don't drink, but only because I never bothered to develop a taste for it. (Same reason I don't drink coffee.)

But hubby was worried about our sugared soda consumption, told me what he worried about, and had me crying while I decided if I should stop drinking it. Why would I cry over something like that? I'm addicted to soda. He told me it would probably kill him by the time he was 40. Didn't want him dead, didn't know what to drink if I didn't drink soda. He didn't tell me I was a jer for drinking. He didn't tell me I was a sinner for drinking. That's why I cried, then pondered, then we talked some more, then more stuff happened, then we switched to sugar-free.

As long as you tell her what it's doing to you, she'll start deciding what she can do about it, based on how she feels about herself and you. But if you tell her she's a sinner, then all she'll do is hide it from you or get angry.

Talk, but tell how it affects you without painting her as the bad guy. She's not the bad guy. She's your wife.
 
Angela53510

Angela53510

Senior Member
#4
Jan 24, 2011
11,780
2,943
113
#4
I am sorry you are suicidal. But rather than blame it on your wife, why are you not seeking medical help? There are medications, counseling, learning different ways to handle your responses to your wife, and life, for that matter.

Depression is an illness. Today, there are treatments for it.You don't have to tell anyone, just get help. If there is a stigma against mental illness in your church, you may be able to change that, but only if you change first.

If you are suicidal, there is a national hotline you can phone 1-800-273-8255. They can talk to you and give you help.

As for your wife, you need to worry about that when you are better.

I would also advise you to read 5 Psalms a day. They are hope and encouragement. But they also expose the human condition and that you are not alone, and God does understand.
 
Dino246

Dino246

Senior Member
#5
Jun 30, 2015
24,688
13,377
113
#5
Thanks for sharing. I can relate to some of what your struggle; my ex-wife drank secretly for years. In her case, the drinking was a form of self-medication for some deep pain from her youth. It's possible that your wife may be drinking partly to diminish some of her own pain.

Seek the Lord for help, He will bring healing and answers. May I also encourage you to seek out a Christian counselor... if you haven't already. The struggles you describe are very serious, and it is doubtful whether any of us could handle them on our own. Please, for your own sake and the sake of your marriage, get help for yourself. As another person posted, once you are healthier you can help your wife.
 
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