Wife's ex-husband not providing his 50% of support

[CTGuy]

Hi Everyone and thank you for your time and help. I'm a Christian and need some fellow Christian guidance. My wife and ex-husband had agreed on a 50/50 split of their 3 kids when they divorced 8 years ago.

My wife’s ex-husband makes about $10,000 more than my wife. I pay for her three kids medical insurance. My wife is the first to put money towards activities and it takes months for her ex-husband to pay her back. I do what I can to fill the gap but since I pay a lot of money to my ex-wife, I’m unable to take on everything. The situation is that we go back and forth and it’s based on my wife’s mood at the time whether we should take her ex-husband back to court and get child support since he makes more money, my wife ends up spending more on the kids, has to upfront a lot of money and takes months to pay back, and we (myself) pays for the kids medical insurance. I know the bible/Jesus says in the book of Matthew “And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well.” So maybe it’s best we just deal with it and not take him to court..but on the other hand shouldn’t we stand up and what are we teaching the kids about owning up responsibility? In addition, the ex-husband gets away with all this and the stress over money spills into my relationship with my wife ….for example our date nights often are replaced spending time on this issue and precious time together is focused on this subject instead. One other note is that she is divorced for 8 years and her name is on a house in which her ex was supposed to keep up and is now in foreclosure which as ruined her credit for years. There’s more..so the big question here is should we not take her ex-husband to court and just try harder to find ways to deal with it…or take him to court not for any type of revenge but simply be able to provided what he supposed as the father – his half. What are your thoughts? Thank you!

 

[Ugly]

Providing accountability for his behavior through legal recourse makes sense. Sit down calmly with your wife and explain that if she doesn't do something about this that it will continue working against your marriage and in the long run may cause bitterness and frustration on your end and that it could greatly damage your marriage over time.
And don't say it as an attack or criticism, but as an expression of concern over your marriage. Approach it calmly, gently and explain things clearly. Because it's likely that this Will cause such things as this situation goes on. At the very least she needs to commit to an answer and stop being indecisive and letting her feelings dictate her decision. Walk her through the thoughts logically and steer her away from responding emotionally, during this conversation.

 

[BarlyGurl]

Going to court to enforce or re-enforce terms already agreed to is NOT the same as "sueing for vengeance" which a distinction leaning more accurately with the intention of scripture. Understand?

 

[damombomb]

Take it to court. He is responsible for his kids.

 

[atwhatcost]

what are we teaching the kids about owning up responsibility?

Good question you rather glided over. What are "the" kids learning about responsibility in their home? Or is it their home, considering you think they are their mother and father's responsibility? In all of what you wrote, the only thing I saw you were thinking was your responsibility was paying your child support and paying for "the" kids medical insurance. Are they not your kids too? Are you not Dad yet? Are you even her husband yet?

When I married hubby, I fully realized who I was marrying and what baggage came with him -- including an ex, two kids and a boat load of debt from that divorce. We never got the kids long enough for me to truly become a part of their lives. Never even got to spend an hour with his son. Only spent six months with his daughter and she turned 18 in that time, so not much say in anything there -- him or me. I've always been terrified to be a mom, but I think most women feel that way, but just don't have the guts to say it out loud. Even in that six months she called me Mom. Not because I was her mother, but because she got a kick out of calling someone 13 years older than she is Mom in public. We had a good laugh over that, and got to know each other a little.

What scares me here is you have your beloved's children with you, and they seem like her property, instead of your love too. They are a part of her. They ought to be a part of you. I'm not seeing that, and yet from what I'm reading I seriously am wondering what they are learning about responsibility under your roof. I'm not seeing any responsibility at all -- just hot-potatoing it to their father and mother.

One thing you should really do is try to sell her old house before the bank takes it. (They give you 90 days to do whatever you can before taking it. Sell it for what is owed on it! No windfall for money, but at least no debt and less of a bad credit mark.) And, if it's too late, well, guess what? You both have lousy credit for the next ten years, since she IS you. (We had to declare bankruptcy. Or, technically, he declared it, but we're in this together and old enough that it doesn't matter. Only thing good credit was good for was helping us buy this house. On your negative side, good credit ought to mean a good education for "the" kids too, so something to work toward.) You're suppose to be in this together, but all I see is sides, and way too many of them too.

So, seriously? What are "the" kids learning about responsibility just by watching the grownups in the house they occupy? They're learning more than you're giving them credit for learning, and it's not good. Really not good if stepfather has a hands-off approach on them. And to be clear, that child-support-is-iffy-at-best isn't that much of the problem. You laid them at their mother's feet never to deal with any of the decisions or even help her. When you married her, you married all of her, yet you won't help on the one thing that has her most frazzled -- what to do about her kids.

 

[CTGuy]

atwhatcost - I appreciate your effort to help. In these types of forums it's tough to write a book which it would take to explain everything lol! I think you really jumped to a lot of conclusions because I left a lot of information out and read too much into my post. We are a blended family of 8 - I have 3 children and my wife has 3 children. I have ALWAYS treated them as my children and not hands off by any means. I'm truly blessed to have such a wife and family and that her kids get to see a loving marriage. I'm VERY involved in their life and support them in what they do and yes I support them as much as I can financially as well. My wife gets very upset about the lack of support she gets from her ex-husband and doesn't know if she should take him back to court or not. I'm torn on this. In my original note I was just cutting to the chase as to what he does, what I do, etc. and looking for guidance from a Christian perspective. I don't like seeing my wife struggle and it does affect our relationship in terms of stress. You are correct to point out that the love we provide for our children and example is way more than any money can provide...I'm sorry if my post seemed to be not about the kid or my involvement with them etc....this post is to try and cut through my wife's indecision...based on her feelings one day to the next she wants to take him back to court due to the lack of support she is getting and the next day she doesn't want to bother because it will cause more problems that it's worth....I tried in my original post to get to things that surrounds this confusion for her....I'm looking for some guidance to support her as I'm torn as well. If we forget about her ex-husband and go our own, then we must be careful not to let that additional stress and concern affect our relationship...goes back to prayer and giving it to God.

 

[CTGuy]

Ugly - Thank you for the advice. Either way it goes I think your correct in that we need to walk through it together logically. I'm not sure if taking him to court is the right thing yet...but your hit the nail on the head in terms of my concern that this situation could work against us.

 

[shotgunner]

I'll tell you what I would do and what I have done. All I know is that it was what was right for me. I was in a similar situation when I married my wife with a 2 year old daughter from her previous marriage. Her ex never paid anything.

I looked at it that she was now my wife and that little girl was mine too. That's the responsibility I took. I never fussed or sought lawful enforcement of the divorce agreement. I just took care of them just like he wasn't even in the picture. I think that's the best way to build your family strongly. For me to have put any of that responsibility on the ex would have been asking him to take care of my family. It would have been taking away something that was mine and giving it to him.

I never talked bad about my step daughter's father and I let her see him whenever she wanted. He was a real piece of work that even got mad at me for telling him God bless you. I even prayed for that man. I got mad at him a bunch because of promises he would make to his child and break but I never confronted him.

I'll tell you what happened in that situation. I didn't even know it at the time but the state was keeping up with all his back time child support. He was in an accident at work and won a big settlement. The state gave it all to me. I didn't even know about it until a check showed up in my mail box.

It may seem strange but my wife and I had been believing God strongly that year to get out of debt. Nothing was going right. We both lost a job and had to get another quick. We just kept on believing God to get out of debt. We did all we could in the natural. We paid off everything we could and sacrificed anything we could to pay off debt. Then out of the blue this huge check came in the mail just a few days before Christmas. We paid off our house and all our debts before the new year. Praise God!


The ex that hated me, he died last year at 45. I hope he got saved first but I put it all in God's hands and I am happy that I did.

 

[CTGuy]

shotgunner - thank you so much for you post - you put it so well and your experience was very helpful....one thing came to mind as well...we can't control the ex and whet he does - we can only control what we do and we have our relationship with God. I think if I help my wife to focus that's its our family and that we (meaning my wife and I ) take care of the family and we just need to leave him out or not rely on him I guess is the better way of looking at it...or as you put it - not in the picture. Though it will be hard at first and have to be on guard that the situation doesn't work against us - again prayer to God for strength - thank again!

 

[JeniBean]

I never see a dime from the EX!! But he leaves us alone, so I am fine with that. In some states you simply have to call the child support and ask for a cost of living adjustment. Then they send forms to both parties asking for last 2 months pay stubs and adjust accordingly.

 

[shotgunner]

shotgunner - thank you so much for you post - you put it so well and your experience was very helpful....one thing came to mind as well...we can't control the ex and whet he does - we can only control what we do and we have our relationship with God. I think if I help my wife to focus that's its our family and that we (meaning my wife and I ) take care of the family and we just need to leave him out or not rely on him I guess is the better way of looking at it...or as you put it - not in the picture. Though it will be hard at first and have to be on guard that the situation doesn't work against us - again prayer to God for strength - thank again!

I do believe that you will wind up with a stronger family as a result. I know that it's not right for the ex to not pay. It's more important however that your wife sees that you love them all as your family. It's more important that you see them as your responsibility. They will love you all the more for taking that responsibility and being a man of God for them to look up to.

Don't however allow it to become a prideful thing. You can't ever say to the kids or wife that you took responsibility when the ex wouldn't. It has to be just the natural thing to do because you love them all. Don't ever talk bad about the ex. Let them see him and know him if they want to, but you be the kind of father they really need, the kind that is there to love and support them, and they will remember that when they are grown and you will be blessed for it.

 

[nw2u]

In my state, taking him to court, or setting up a hearing would cost approximately fifty dollars. Though that may have changed, it doesn't cost an arm and a leg. Most custodial parents don't even need an attorney, though you decide yourself whether you need one.

Courts will usually side for the custodial parent. They can and do regularly force deadbeat parents to pay what they owe. It is the proper thing to do, taking them to court. Allowances can be made for costs not covered by the original agreement. You do yourself, your wife, and your children a disservice by not at the very least, talking with your state child support workers about it. You can even run the "gist of it", by them over the phone. Just look up your county's website.

I agree with talking to her about it, and setting boundaries.

 

[atwhatcost]

atwhatcost - I appreciate your effort to help. In these types of forums it's tough to write a book which it would take to explain everything lol! I think you really jumped to a lot of conclusions because I left a lot of information out and read too much into my post. We are a blended family of 8 - I have 3 children and my wife has 3 children. I have ALWAYS treated them as my children and not hands off by any means. I'm truly blessed to have such a wife and family and that her kids get to see a loving marriage. I'm VERY involved in their life and support them in what they do and yes I support them as much as I can financially as well. My wife gets very upset about the lack of support she gets from her ex-husband and doesn't know if she should take him back to court or not. I'm torn on this. In my original note I was just cutting to the chase as to what he does, what I do, etc. and looking for guidance from a Christian perspective. I don't like seeing my wife struggle and it does affect our relationship in terms of stress. You are correct to point out that the love we provide for our children and example is way more than any money can provide...I'm sorry if my post seemed to be not about the kid or my involvement with them etc....this post is to try and cut through my wife's indecision...based on her feelings one day to the next she wants to take him back to court due to the lack of support she is getting and the next day she doesn't want to bother because it will cause more problems that it's worth....I tried in my original post to get to things that surrounds this confusion for her....I'm looking for some guidance to support her as I'm torn as well. If we forget about her ex-husband and go our own, then we must be careful not to let that additional stress and concern affect our relationship...goes back to prayer and giving it to God.

She seems to be carrying all the burden -- decision about the old house, what to do with his money, what to do financially with what is left or not left. It is as if there is a His and Hers section in your marriage. It seems like you two haven't figured out the Big Picture at all, therefore, she's dealing with one crisis after another.

I have no idea what is in a woman's make up, but we surely consider finances part of our security blanket. It feels like she's spending with the assumption the money will come in later. Our anchor to reality -- finances included -- is resolved when we come up with some kind of system with hubby. (Assumption both spouses are working within God's framework and grace, but if hubby is silent or goes along with our every whim, we do whip like an unanchored boat in a storm.) If there is none, we get batted around. It seems like she's batted around with her kids.

It also seems like you have chosen to have no plan, financially. I feel her whipping around, because I know how I am without hubby supporting me. Supporting me isn't saying, "Whatever you want to do is fine by me." We need some handle on Big Picture plan. Why isn't my idea good? What are we, together, aiming toward? What is the best choice given the overall plan? Together you stand, divided... she goes nuts! (I also have no idea what guy's are like, other than knowing if I go nuts, hubby goes nuts because he's free-falling worrying about me. That's it. That's all I know about the guy half.)

And, I honestly do get that you're working at half-capacity financially. Much of your money goes to your other kids. So, yes, money is super tight, and will be like that until all the kids graduate -- from high school or college. (There is life after that. Honest. Money situation improves drastically, but, until then, you'll be living on an extremely tight budget.) You have to find a plan together. One you can both accept until then.

I'm not saying any of this as a middle-class American. We are poor. We also know men who have had up to 80% of their income given to their kids. One lived five years on $50 a week, but never complained because he was supporting his kids. Neither one of you will like the lousy finances, but together you can make the best of it. You HAVE to do it TOGETHER though. She won't make it without you.

I don't need a financially-independent hubby. I need a man who reminds me of what we're working toward together. OUR plan! That's my financial security blanket.

 

[Galahad]

CTGuy,
The court issue in Matthew is part of the what we call the sermon on the mount. Begins in chapter 5 and go through 7.

Jesus was speaking to Jews. His lesson to them was not in the extreme literal meaning. How do I know this? Because He also in that same sermon told them to pluck out their eyes and cut off their arms if they cause them to stumble. Well it's not the arm that's the problem, it's the heart, the mind, the thoughts.

Jesus is saying it is better to suffer the consequences of doing what is right and of abstaining from sin than it is to suffer the loss of the soul in death. In hell. Okay.

Now about this not taking your wife's ex to court. How does that fit in with the teaching of Jesus? Why, if you took His words literally, you would be condoning the ex's sinful behavior.

Now suppose you are in the place of the ex. Then your ex wife comes to you and talks to you, proving you owe her support. Okay, now here's where it would fit. Again, you are in the ex's position, but you are a believer. You have been reminded about your support to be paid.

Guess what? Jesus is saying be wise. Avoid the court. Not only that, go above and beyond what your ex wife is demanding and what the law requires. How so? Well, your ex wife informs you your son needs clothes and medical attention. You say, "Too bad. I paid my share." Nope. That's wrong attitude. Jesus says, give your coat, also. In other words meet the spirit of the law that you find yourself bound to. The law says you only have to $1000 a month. But your ex wife says your boy has some extra needs. Guess what, you should what you can to meet those needs.

If you borrow your neighbor's lawnmower and it fails. It won't start after you used. You didn't put oil in. Okay your neighbor says pay for half. You say no. He takes you to court. Let's say judge orders you to pay for half. You pay for half.

Guess what. Jesus was actually teaching, Don't go to court. Be right. Buy your neighbor a new lawnmower. He's asking you to pay for half, but you say, NO. I had it. I broke in my possession. I'm covering the full cost of a new. Then you settle from that attitude.

If you can't afford to replace the mower, then perhaps you shouldn't borrow it. That's my way. If I can't afford to fix or repair what I damage of what I borrow, I don't borrow it.

 

[Galahad]

CTGuy,
The court issue in Matthew is part of the what we call the sermon on the mount. Begins in chapter 5 and go through 7.

Jesus was speaking to Jews. His lesson to them was not in the extreme literal meaning. How do I know this? Because He also in that same sermon told them to pluck out their eyes and cut off their arms if they cause them to stumble. Well it's not the arm that's the problem, it's the heart, the mind, the thoughts.

Jesus is saying it is better to suffer the consequences of doing what is right and of abstaining from sin than it is to suffer the loss of the soul in death. In hell. Okay.

Now about this not taking your wife's ex to court. How does that fit in with the teaching of Jesus? Why, if you took His words literally, you would be condoning the ex's sinful behavior.

Now suppose you are in the place of the ex. Then your ex wife comes to you and talks to you, proving you owe her support. Okay, now here's where it would fit. Again, you are in the ex's position, but you are a believer. You have been reminded about your support to be paid.

Guess what? Jesus is saying be wise. Avoid the court. Not only that, go above and beyond what your ex wife is demanding and what the law requires. How so? Well, your ex wife informs you your son needs clothes and medical attention. You say, "Too bad. I paid my share." Nope. That's wrong attitude. Jesus says, give your coat, also. In other words meet the spirit of the law that you find yourself bound to. The law says you only have to $1000 a month. But your ex wife says your boy has some extra needs. Guess what, you should what you can to meet those needs.

If you borrow your neighbor's lawnmower and it fails. It won't start after you used. You didn't put oil in. Okay your neighbor says pay for half. You say no. He takes you to court. Let's say judge orders you to pay for half. You pay for half.

Guess what. Jesus was actually teaching, Don't go to court. Be right. Buy your neighbor a new lawnmower. He's asking you to pay for half, but you say, NO. I had it. I broke in my possession. I'm covering the full cost of a new. Then you settle from that attitude.

If you can't afford to replace the mower, then perhaps you shouldn't borrow it. That's my way. If I can't afford to fix or repair what I damage of what I borrow, I don't borrow it.

This here below is my edited version. Five minute time expired. If the poster exceeds five minutes, then give 5 more!

CTGuy,
The court issue in Matthew is part of the what we call the sermon on the mount. Begins in chapter 5 and go through 7.

Jesus was speaking to Jews. His lesson to them was not in the extreme literal meaning. How do I know this? Because He also in that same sermon told them to pluck out their eyes and cut off their arms if they cause them to stumble. Well it's not the arm that's the problem, it's the heart, the mind, the thoughts.

Jesus is saying it is better to suffer the consequences of doing what is right and of abstaining from sin than it is to suffer the loss of the soul in death. In hell. Okay.

Now about this not taking your wife's ex to court. How does that fit in with the teaching of Jesus? Why, if you took His words literally, you would be condoning the ex's sinful behavior.

Now suppose you are in the place of the ex. Then your ex wife comes to you and talks to you, proving you owe her support. Okay, now here's where it would fit. Again, you are in the ex's position, but you are a believer. You have been reminded about your support to be paid.

Guess what? Jesus is saying be wise. Avoid the court. Not only that, go above and beyond what your ex wife is demanding and what the law requires. How so? Well, your ex wife informs you your son needs clothes and medical attention. You say, "Too bad. I paid my share." Nope. That's wrong attitude. Jesus says, give your coat, also. In other words meet the spirit of the law that you find yourself bound to. The law says you only have to $1000 a month. But your ex wife says your boy has some extra needs. Guess what, you should WANT to do what you can to meet those extra needs.

If you borrow your neighbor's lawnmower and it fails. It won't start after you used it. You didn't put oil in it. It froze up. Okay your neighbor says pay for half. You say no. He takes you to court. Let's say judge orders you to pay for half. You pay for half. That's it.

Guess what? Jesus was actually teaching, don't even go to court. How? Change your heart and attitude. Be right. Do right. Buy your neighbor a new lawnmower. He's asking you to pay for half, but you say, NO. I had it. It broke in my possession. I'm covering the full cost of a new mower. Then you settle from that attitude. And you have not gained an enemy. But you've set a great example. Your light shines.
What if I can't afford to replace it? Then one should not borrow the morrow. Or be willing to make payments on a new one. That's my way. If I can't afford to fix or repair what I damage of what I borrow, I don't borrow it.

Now talk to your wife's ex. Talk calmly and patiently and kindly. No threats. Then wait. If nothing changes. Off to court you go.

 

[shotgunner]

Nothing wrong with pursing what the court has appointed. It just can't ever become a point of contention between you and your wife. It's better to not even be concerned about the money than to ever argue over it. Don't ever present it to your wife like it is her responsibility to make the ex pay what he owes.

 

[Angela53510]

If he has been told to pay child support and has not, then he has broken the law. Surely there is some kind of agency that will garnishee his wages and get the back pay, and then keep garnishee.

Something like the Maintenance Enforcement Program. Of course, you need for the ex-husband to have a steady, stable job.

If it was one child, I would say forget it. But for 3, I think you need to go after this deadbeat dad.

 

[atwhatcost]

shotgunner - thank you so much for you post - you put it so well and your experience was very helpful....one thing came to mind as well...we can't control the ex and whet he does - we can only control what we do and we have our relationship with God. I think if I help my wife to focus that's its our family and that we (meaning my wife and I ) take care of the family and we just need to leave him out or not rely on him I guess is the better way of looking at it...or as you put it - not in the picture. Though it will be hard at first and have to be on guard that the situation doesn't work against us - again prayer to God for strength - thank again!

I have not read past here, but wanted to say THIS is what I was talking about, if your wife agrees with you. This is her financial security in you, if she agrees with you. Just that she knows she can trust you to stand by her in all things! That is what we need from our hubbies. We wrap ourselves up in that like a security blanket. (Okay, so the Bible calls it a mantle.) We marry because we trust him that much. We still need to see more trust, and I believe this is a step toward that.

And, just so you don't misunderstand, I'd get that same sense of security for her, if you said you'd fight tooth and nail with her in court. The thing I kept seeing was it really did seem like you were sitting back and letting her do what she thought was right for that moment. It is something special when spouses unite with a game plan and walk together. For finances, this makes the walk harder, but a willingness to go it together is the relief we wives need.

Thank you!