Marraige Crisis

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Dan58

Dan58

Senior Member
#21
Nov 13, 2013
1,991
338
83
#21
Tom2326 said:
A My children are mad at me (after last nights argument) and I struggle to go to God. I fear Satan has gotten the best of me. I am so afraid. What do I do????
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I can't speak for you, but I'd be gone in a heartbeat. Your wife had an affair years ago and things like that never disappear. Of course your going to be more controlling, because trust was broken when she completely violated her marriage vows. Now she's flirting with other guys again and wonders why your paranoid and controlling? You can't control a cheater, and she's headed that direction again. My recommendation is to dump her, she hasn't changed from 10 years ago and adultery is just around the corner. She's blaming you for her online relationship, but that's just a crock. She's getting involved with other guys and justifies it by using you as an excuse. Don't buy into that crap, she'd be trying to cheat even if you weren't controlling.

As for the kids, don't argue in front of them... Depending on how old they are, I'd sit them down and tell them exactly why you are upset with their mother. They may be mad at you now, but if they understood that their mother is trying to sleep with other men instead of their Daddy, their anger might be re-directed at the real source of the problem. Their mother is acting like a tramp and their mad at you? I wouldn't tell them their mother is a whore or slut, but gently let them know that she loves another man and wants to be with him instead of you.. Communicate with them... I'd be filing for divorce and full custody of the children. Its difficult for me to grasp how you can love a person who's trying to get someone from England to move in with her? What a lovely wife.. I personally couldn't run fast enough to get away from a situation like that... Just my blunt opinion of course.

And Satan hasn't got a hold of you, sounds like his attention is completely focused on your wife :) You being controlling isn't the issue, its a wife that's trying to sleep with every Tom, Dick, And Harry that winks at her. So don't let her lay that guilt trip on you, don't condemn yourself for her actions.
 
Angela53510

Angela53510

Senior Member
#22
Jan 24, 2011
11,780
2,943
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#22
I just want to add to what Dan said. Your wife is definitely at fault here. She is the adulterer. Whatever her reasons, she has broken your marriage vows. I will also hazard a guess that if she leaves you for Mr. England, she is going to end up doing the same things all over again. To the detriment of the children, esp.

But this doesn't mean you can't use this time to grow spiritually, emotionally in your life and God. You can change - YOU, with the help of God. You can move towards the goal of becoming more like Christ, because of the problems, or in spite of them. Remember that Jesus suffered for us. He understands suffering like no one else can.

As far as Dan's advice to tell your children that your wife is sleeping with someone else!! NO!!!!

Do talk to them. Tell them you and mommy are having some big problems and it is NOT THEIR FAULT! Do not tell them the sordid details, unless you want to damage them for life. They just need to know you still love them, no matter what. And do see if you can get them some kind of counseling. It sounds like they have been through a lot already. And no more screaming at your wife when they are around. It has done nothing to help the situation, driven her further away. But mostly, I worry about your children. Protect them at your expense. They only get one chance at growing up. Don't let them say that you ruined their lives, with your temper and controlling behaviour.

And I am praying for you. God has put you on my heart.
 
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Tom2326

Guest
#23
#23
Yes. I agree Angela. I know where you are coming from. I apologize for venting in a pity way. As we all do, there are days really "up" and days really "down". I think God has given me a sort of peace today so its a little up. Never the less, your wisdom is not going on deaf ears. Most of the reason im here in the first place to gain direction so that I do not vent at my home or in front of the kids.
As far as myself, I am constantly seeking God on working within me. I never intended to be "controlling". My issues were controlling in form form of distrust, which I see how bad that can be. Your and everyone elses advice is not taking lightly, and I thank you for taking the time to talk to me.
 
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atwhatcost

Guest
#24
#24
Tom2326 said:
Yes. I agree Angela. I know where you are coming from. I apologize for venting in a pity way. As we all do, there are days really "up" and days really "down". I think God has given me a sort of peace today so its a little up. Never the less, your wisdom is not going on deaf ears. Most of the reason im here in the first place to gain direction so that I do not vent at my home or in front of the kids.
As far as myself, I am constantly seeking God on working within me. I never intended to be "controlling". My issues were controlling in form form of distrust, which I see how bad that can be. Your and everyone elses advice is not taking lightly, and I thank you for taking the time to talk to me.
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Just so you know, I'm not accusing you of being controlling.
1. That's the word you used to describe yourself.
2. Sometimes controlling can be good and sometimes it's not. It's a personality type, but it can cause problems, so it's also an issue, as you've said.
 
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BarlyGurl

Guest
#25
#25
And I give Dino and StandStrong kudos for Very GOOD and biblically sound advice!
 
iwant2serve

iwant2serve

Senior Member
#26
Apr 12, 2009
513
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#26
Tom first off you have to work on your issues. Trying to make things better by covering up your wrongs will only create larger struggles. God never gave man dominion over man. The best way to do this is go to the Father and ask for forgiveness of your wrong towards you wife. Ask and allow him into your heart and be engulfed His love. We and men of God are to love our wives as Jesus loves the church, that he would and gave his life for to protect her. Another thing is you are expecting things to turn around overnight and they will not. You have created a pattern therefore you have to create new patterns and allow that time to remove the old. This can only be received in her time not yours just as your trust in her can only be restored in your time not hers. You protect with love not force because no one can force another to do what they want and call it love. Love will always leave the option for one to walk away no matter how much it hurt because when you love a person from your heart it's hard to do or say something that will hurt them.
 
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shotgunner

Guest
#27
#27
There is a vicious cycle going on here. You don't trust your wife and she isn't getting what she needs from you. Your wife is seeking companionship from other men. You see that and it causes even more distrust and wanting to control her on your part. The more you try to control the less close you two are and the more she will seek closeness elsewhere.


There are a few questions that need to be settled. First can you completely forgive her to the extent that you don't doubt her commitment to the marriage? It may take some time to get there but this is essential if you can resolve your issues. Only you can answer this question. If you can never get to that place then it may be better to dissolve the marriage now.


Second, can you give your wife what she is seeking by having a relationship with these other men? This is a question that you both must discuss at length, openly and honestly. If you can't give her what she is seeking then the marriage won't work. Maybe she doesn't know what she is looking for? Possibly she is trying to fill a spiritual void with a worldly relationship. These are questions that must be answered.
 
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Tom2326

Guest
#28
#28
Dan58,

I know a lot of what you said is the truth. And I don't pretend to say I did not contribute to the situation, though I have , or want to , change for the sake of our marriage. I don't want to control everything, and I have to trust but the situation is bad, and I react, sometimes good, sometimes bad, to all of this.

Overall, I do love my wife. Her current sin, does not define her to God, or me. She is a lovely woman, has looked the other way when this type of temtation has shown its ugly face in the past. I made a promise to her 14 years ago. Godd times and bad. This is bad, very bad, but I wont void the promise I made in fromt of God, in front of my family and loved ones, to love her even through this. "The greatest temtement of love is when someone is willing to sacrifice a piece of themselves for someone else." I think Jesus demonstrated that for us years ago. And I do want to Love as Christ loved.

If at one point I have to walk away from this, the pain will tear me apart. I cant say I will be totally sane at that point. But I do know I Love this women I married, not for all the good she has, but for the bad.

Tom
 
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Tom2326

Guest
#29
#29
shotgunner said:
There is a vicious cycle going on here. You don't trust your wife and she isn't getting what she needs from you. Your wife is seeking companionship from other men. You see that and it causes even more distrust and wanting to control her on your part. The more you try to control the less close you two are and the more she will seek closeness elsewhere.


There are a few questions that need to be settled. First can you completely forgive her to the extent that you don't doubt her commitment to the marriage? It may take some time to get there but this is essential if you can resolve your issues. Only you can answer this question. If you can never get to that place then it may be better to dissolve the marriage now.


Second, can you give your wife what she is seeking by having a relationship with these other men? This is a question that you both must discuss at length, openly and honestly. If you can't give her what she is seeking then the marriage won't work. Maybe she doesn't know what she is looking for? Possibly she is trying to fill a spiritual void with a worldly relationship. These are questions that must be answered.
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Very tough questions. Ouch!

I can forgive her. Sin does not define her. In 14 years of marriage, I know more about who she is in depth then what the last few months have shown. You are right, forgivness is not easy by no means and to be honest, I will need help by counsul to work towards this, I have seen and heard too much to say, I got it, I forgive you. BUT I do forgive, just trust is a work in progress.

The second question is somewhat what I am going through. I try with all my might to look the other way when he text her, but I cant say I don't react negatively at some points. But I would not of gone this far if I did not intend for her to work this out. It is not her nature belive it or not and I know a little about this (14 years married, 16 years together)

I don't pretend to know everything and don't pretend I will always get it right. I will make mistakes again, but I am willing and trying to do what God wants me to do, and change the things that have come to the surface. Otherwise where else would I be then her listing to hard truth and trying to figure this out, or would I be somewhere fulfilling the void this trial has left( I have no desire for that).
 
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Tompa

Guest
#30
#30
as stand_strong mention couldnt say it better sorry for what u going through brother but keep faith in god and hope things will be good my god bless u
 
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shotgunner

Guest
#31
#31
Tom2326 said:
Very tough questions. Ouch!

I can forgive her. Sin does not define her. In 14 years of marriage, I know more about who she is in depth then what the last few months have shown. You are right, forgivness is not easy by no means and to be honest, I will need help by counsul to work towards this, I have seen and heard too much to say, I got it, I forgive you. BUT I do forgive, just trust is a work in progress.

The second question is somewhat what I am going through. I try with all my might to look the other way when he text her, but I cant say I don't react negatively at some points. But I would not of gone this far if I did not intend for her to work this out. It is not her nature belive it or not and I know a little about this (14 years married, 16 years together)

I don't pretend to know everything and don't pretend I will always get it right. I will make mistakes again, but I am willing and trying to do what God wants me to do, and change the things that have come to the surface. Otherwise where else would I be then her listing to hard truth and trying to figure this out, or would I be somewhere fulfilling the void this trial has left( I have no desire for that).
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What exactly is the situation that you are looking the other way? Surly you aren't accepting those texts with another man as ok! Does she think this relationship by text is alright?
 
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BarlyGurl

Guest
#32
#32
Tom2326 said:
Very tough questions. Ouch!

I can forgive her. Sin does not define her. In 14 years of marriage, I know more about who she is in depth then what the last few months have shown. You are right, forgivness is not easy by no means and to be honest, I will need help by counsul to work towards this, I have seen and heard too much to say, I got it, I forgive you. BUT I do forgive, just trust is a work in progress.

The second question is somewhat what I am going through. I try with all my might to look the other way when he text her, but I cant say I don't react negatively at some points. But I would not of gone this far if I did not intend for her to work this out. It is not her nature belive it or not and I know a little about this (14 years married, 16 years together)

I don't pretend to know everything and don't pretend I will always get it right. I will make mistakes again, but I am willing and trying to do what God wants me to do, and change the things that have come to the surface. Otherwise where else would I be then her listing to hard truth and trying to figure this out, or would I be somewhere fulfilling the void this trial has left( I have no desire for that).
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I surely do appreciate your transparency regarding the issue... and willingness to assume the responsibility that is yours... but being a woman... I am wondering WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR WIFE that she has such a hard time being "loyal"???? The security you have previously offered to her via forgiveness... has not seemed to encourage her to feel gratitude and thus desire work @ building your trust... instead she is using the "grace" you offer to repeat the offenses.:(

She doesn't seem to respect you and that is not necessarily on YOU.
 
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Tom2326

Guest
#33
#33
shotgunner said:
What exactly is the situation that you are looking the other way? Surly you aren't accepting those texts with another man as ok! Does she think this relationship by text is alright?
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No she has admitted it is wrong. Does not God say let no man take apart this marriage. I do have a hard time finding my place in this but I do know I still love her and I do know I am here this far by some strength he has given me.
 
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Tom2326

Guest
#34
#34
BarlyGurl said:
I surely do appreciate your transparency regarding the issue... and willingness to assume the responsibility that is yours... but being a woman... I am wondering WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR WIFE that she has such a hard time being "loyal"???? The security you have previously offered to her via forgiveness... has not seemed to encourage her to feel gratitude and thus desire work @ building your trust... instead she is using the "grace" you offer to repeat the offenses.:(
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I wish I knew. If you knew her personally, you would be stumped. It is so strange. 3 months ago during reconciliation, we planned on re baptizing ourselves and getting remarried for our 15th. Her actions are not her. I really don't know.
 
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BarlyGurl

Guest
#35
#35
Do you understand the difference between "worldy sorrow and Godly Sorrow"?.... Your wife admitting falls into the first category, if she had the latter... boy howdy would she stop doing what she is doing!!! I think you are likely having a hard time coming to terms with some truths here... and this is causing problems with who is responsible for what and how to produce an effective and God honoring result.
 
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shotgunner

Guest
#36
#36
Tom2326 said:
No she has admitted it is wrong. Does not God say let no man take apart this marriage. I do have a hard time finding my place in this but I do know I still love her and I do know I am here this far by some strength he has given me.
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Has she stopped her on line relationship?
 
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Tom2326

Guest
#37
#37
shotgunner said:
Has she stopped her on line relationship?
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No, and we are all literally waiting to see what Mr. England does, if and when he comes. It tormenting but I suppose. I think she is also waiting to see if he is for real. This man is in complete control in a sense.
 
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shotgunner

Guest
#38
#38
Tom2326 said:
No, and we are all literally waiting to see what Mr. England does, if and when he comes. It tormenting but I suppose. I think she is also waiting to see if he is for real. This man is in complete control in a sense.
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This is not right Tom. She is already committing adultery spiritually if not physically. I can't tell you what to do but if it were my wife, I would have to treat it as adultery.

Does she have no wish to save your marriage? It seems she is only willing to stay married until something better comes along. That's not a marriage at all my friend.
 
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BarlyGurl

Guest
#39
#39
Yeah agreed. Someone who habitually has their sights on a better offer is just USING the other person for their own selfish convenience... regardless if any "mutual" benefits have been somehow acceptable or agreeable to the parties over the duration. Pretty hard pill to swallow... I feel bad for the OP and I wanna smack the wife about the head and shoulders... repeatedly.:(
 
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Tom2326

Guest
#40
#40
In all sadness I just heard this man asked my wife what her ring size is. Really???? How can I ever have peace on this level of craziness. I need to say on paper my wife actions seem ridiculous. But I say to all the folk who read this, it's not who she is. I married her fully knowing there would be shortcomings. But never at this level. NEVER. I am fighting this and riding this roller coaster because I promised I would always love my wife. This is my wife, we shared we cried, heck we even moved on from her affair years ago and ended up having two beautiful children. It's not who she is, this craziness doesn't define her. But really, her ring size!!! And why did she tell me that little nugget of info. Really! He has never met her. Am I wrong in saying there are more powerful forces at work here? This craziness is getting unbearable. I know God is in control, but this is detrimental to the heart. I just can't put two and two together. I don't know what to pray for anymore. Please don't think ill of my wife though, something else is going on. Things just don't unfold this way. Thanks for listening.
 
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