Marraige Crisis

[shotgunner]

Tom, God can heal your marriage but not without your wife's consent. She has to really want your marriage to work.

This is a hard thing to cope with my friend especially with children involved. You need to get copies of emails and anything that can win you custody when you divorce.

I'm not a professional councilor and I can only tell you what I would do. I would have already put her out. She doesn't seem to want to be married any more. Can you honestly ever trust her again even if she somehow decides to stay? Do you want to spend 20 more years in nearly the same situation only for it to end then?

The good news is that you are young and can still have a full life, possibly married to someone you love and trust. Don't look at this as the end of your life. I've talked to plenty of men so thankful for the wonderful relationship they have with their second wife.

Even if you stay married you have to put a stop to the texting or whatever communication going on with another man. I would already have even if destroying phones or computers was necessary to do it. You can't just let her walk all over you. No woman would respect a man who would. You don't need to be violent or even angry but you can't let your wife shop for another husband while you just continue to let her and support it.

 

[BarlyGurl]

In all sadness I just heard this man asked my wife what her ring size is. Really???? How can I ever have peace on this level of craziness. I need to say on paper my wife actions seem ridiculous. But I say to all the folk who read this, it's not who she is. I married her fully knowing there would be shortcomings. But never at this level. NEVER. I am fighting this and riding this roller coaster because I promised I would always love my wife. This is my wife, we shared we cried, heck we even moved on from her affair years ago and ended up having two beautiful children. It's not who she is, this craziness doesn't define her. But really, her ring size!!! And why did she tell me that little nugget of info. Really! He has never met her. Am I wrong in saying there are more powerful forces at work here? This craziness is getting unbearable. I know God is in control, but this is detrimental to the heart. I just can't put two and two together. I don't know what to pray for anymore. Please don't think ill of my wife though, something else is going on. Things just don't unfold this way. Thanks for listening.

Tom, most sincerely I feel very bad for you... this situation is SOOOOO wrong and I do wholly agree with shotguns offer for counsel and he is being honest about what he would do and his counsel is NOT unbiblical... because there is still room for reconciliation. I have real concerns about your faith walk and spiritual health being that you are not able/willing to comprehend the truth of the matter that this woman... is not being who she IS... because you have believed her to be some other kind of person... and that is NOT who she plainly showing herself to be. That said... she could need deliverance... and that takes prayer... but at the same time there are PRACTICAL steps to be taken in this situation to restore proper order in your home in the areas YOU are responsible for and have spiritual authority TO DO. Please hear me when I tell you... YOU CANNOT expect God to intervene if you will NOT take your position as the leader and authority of your family!
You seem to be completely allowing this scenario to unfold as if you have no power or no say... that is NOT true! Your wife does not respect you and you are not even fighting for your marriage or family. SO I am going to go out on a limb here and suggest you do some of the things Shotgun has suggested like...

Tell your wife she has 24 hours to decide whether she wants commit to her marriage and family... at the end of 24 hours she can stay or go.... and make sure you follow thru!
Tell her you love her but she has made it VERY CLEAR she is not pleased to dwell with you and you are not going to provide her with a roof or resources to be entertaining suitors.... and take her phone and computer and lock them in storage or smash them or whatever seems fitting... just so she no longer has access... she can go to the library and carry on her affair... just not under YOUR ROOF with YOUR PROVISION.
Halt and stop ALL her financial account access... all of it.
If the car isn't paid for... well I guess she is gonna have to walk.
And get the suitcase out for her too.
She might go or she might stay... but you will NEVER get a bit of respect to develop for you if you continue to allow her to do what she is doing without ANY consequences on your part. MEN who love there wives feel JEALOUS and will FIGHT for their family... I am not trying to be hurtful to you... but you seem to be whining and wringing your hands over the whole matter while another man is wooing your wife over the internet. Get ANGRY about this!!!
Lastly... I so sincerely pray to God... that He work in you and on your behalf and that this turns out to be the "catfish" scam of the decade and your wife gets the heaping helping of shame and humiliation she deserves to recognize her offenses before God, to you, to marriage and your children... and that she comes to GODLY sorrow and repents quickly... AMEN!

 

[Dan58]

In all sadness I just heard this man asked my wife what her ring size is. Really???? How can I ever have peace on this level of craziness. I need to say on paper my wife actions seem ridiculous. But I say to all the folk who read this, it's not who she is. I married her fully knowing there would be shortcomings. But never at this level. NEVER. I am fighting this and riding this roller coaster because I promised I would always love my wife. This is my wife, we shared we cried, heck we even moved on from her affair years ago and ended up having two beautiful children. It's not who she is, this craziness doesn't define her. But really, her ring size!!! And why did she tell me that little nugget of info. Really! He has never met her. Am I wrong in saying there are more powerful forces at work here? This craziness is getting unbearable. I know God is in control, but this is detrimental to the heart. I just can't put two and two together. I don't know what to pray for anymore. Please don't think ill of my wife though, something else is going on. Things just don't unfold this way. Thanks for listening.

There's none so blind as he who will not see... Wake-up Tom, this is exactly who your wife is. Sure, in the past you may have had some moments and she may have had some regrets, but in the here and now, she's two-timing you and your in complete denial.

What you promised in your wedding vows was to be mutually true to each other, but she's not holding true to any of that. You say you can't put 2 and 2 together? God is in control? Something else is going on? No, your wife is having an affair, that's what's going on, and God has nothing to do with that.

As I said before, I'd be out of there like a bolt of lightning. Your wife has a lot of gall to be throwing all this in your face, I fear your being played a fool. Its sad that you seem willing to share her with other men, that kinda nullifies the whole point of what God intended marriage to be don't ya think? Time to man up, get out and leave her with her English boyfriend.

 

[Olerica]

Has she had a ment health evaluation? I ask because some of this sounds a bit like bi-polar action.


Having said that, she is still responsible for her actions. But if she is unwell, and compliant on appropriate medication, her behavior may be easier controlled. I really can't fathom stepping out on a spouse, so my mind runs to mental instability.

 

[Tom2326]

There's none so blind as he who will not see... Wake-up Tom, this is exactly who your wife is. Sure, in the past you may have had some moments and she may have had some regrets, but in the here and now, she's two-timing you and your in complete denial.

What you promised in your wedding vows was to be mutually true to each other, but she's not holding true to any of that. You say you can't put 2 and 2 together? God is in control? Something else is going on? No, your wife is having an affair, that's what's going on, and God has nothing to do with that.

As I said before, I'd be out of there like a bolt of lightning. Your wife has a lot of gall to be throwing all this in your face, I fear your being played a fool. Its sad that you seem willing to share her with other men, that kinda nullifies the whole point of what God intended marriage to be don't ya think? Time to man up, get out and leave her with her English boyfriend.

I appreciate them comment Dan58. I am not in denial, I know what this is. And because of this it "Hurts". Real pain, real sorrow, which is partly why I am here venting it out on a forum. And I don't know much, and I don't always get it right but God does say things like "If they slap you turn the other cheek" . In a nutshell, this is a sin. And a horrible one for a marriage. But if I am going to turn the other cheek for a second slap, who better gets the chance than my wife, who In my vows I said in good times and bad, this is the bad. She should not be doing this, but that is exactly what sin is, do something your not supposed to do. Why I have the heart to go this far is beyond even me, but I have gone this far. It would not hurt any less if I lived in other home, other state. Running don't make it feel better. Maybe I will be forced to leave and let be someday, I don't know. But that's my sorrow to carry, and not my justification to not love my wife.

 

[Angela53510]

I appreciate them comment Dan58. I am not in denial, I know what this is. And because of this it "Hurts". Real pain, real sorrow, which is partly why I am here venting it out on a forum. And I don't know much, and I don't always get it right but God does say things like "If they slap you turn the other cheek" . In a nutshell, this is a sin. And a horrible one for a marriage. But if I am going to turn the other cheek for a second slap, who better gets the chance than my wife, who In my vows I said in good times and bad, this is the bad. She should not be doing this, but that is exactly what sin is, do something your not supposed to do. Why I have the heart to go this far is beyond even me, but I have gone this far. It would not hurt any less if I lived in other home, other state. Running don't make it feel better. Maybe I will be forced to leave and let be someday, I don't know. But that's my sorrow to carry, and not my justification to not love my wife.

Tom, your wife is commiting adultery on you. That is not "bad." That is biblical grounds for divorce. You don't have to be repeatedly slapped by someone who has obviously walked away from her marriage vows.

I strongly suggest you look into codependency for you. The fact that you are putting up with so much garbage from this woman, suggests that it is something different from love. This woman is going to take you to the cleaners, if you don't wake up.

Still praying for you!

 

[shotgunner]

I appreciate them comment Dan58. I am not in denial, I know what this is. And because of this it "Hurts". Real pain, real sorrow, which is partly why I am here venting it out on a forum. And I don't know much, and I don't always get it right but God does say things like "If they slap you turn the other cheek" . In a nutshell, this is a sin. And a horrible one for a marriage. But if I am going to turn the other cheek for a second slap, who better gets the chance than my wife, who In my vows I said in good times and bad, this is the bad. She should not be doing this, but that is exactly what sin is, do something your not supposed to do. Why I have the heart to go this far is beyond even me, but I have gone this far. It would not hurt any less if I lived in other home, other state. Running don't make it feel better. Maybe I will be forced to leave and let be someday, I don't know. But that's my sorrow to carry, and not my justification to not love my wife.

My brother, I feel for you. I really do. I hate this situation for you and I have a lot of compassion. I'm also going to tell you something just man to man. Women like men that are strong leaders. No woman will respect a man that will allow her to walk all over him. She wants a man who will fight for her. I'm afraid your compassion is only seen as weakness. It's even possible that your wife wants to push you into making a stand for what you really want,(her).Why else would she tell you this other guy was asking about a ring for her? I honestly think she is pushing to see if you care enough to resist.

 

[Dan58]

But if I am going to turn the other cheek for a second slap, who better gets the chance than my wife, who In my vows I said in good times and bad, this is the bad.... Running don't make it feel better. ... But that's my sorrow to carry, and not my justification to not love my wife.

I don't think your wedding vows (in good times and bad) meant to stand idly by while your wife played the part of a happy tramp. That's not bad times, that's a person making a mockery out of marriage. Turn the other cheek, but walk away, far away. Your enabling her ongoing infidelity by not leaving. No offense, but you sound like a masochist, degradation is not a noble cause. By willingly tolerating your wife's exploits, your pretty much putting your stamp of approval on an open marriage. Love is a 2-way street, its takes 2 to make a marriage, but only one to make it fail. Walking away would make me feel a whole lot better, because I'd have absolutely no self-respect sharing my wife, or even a girlfriend with other men. And imo, its not love to stay and tolerate that behavior, you need to leave her for her sake as well as your own. I suspect she knows your weaknesses and knows your too insecure to go anywhere.. But I've said enough, I'm just telling you what I'd do, and that I think your in for a world of hurt by staying and putting up with a two-timing woman.

 

[shotgunner]

To heck with walking away. I would put her out and the kids would stay with me. All her stuff would be in a big pile on the street.

 

[atwhatcost]

In all sadness I just heard this man asked my wife what her ring size is. Really???? How can I ever have peace on this level of craziness. I need to say on paper my wife actions seem ridiculous. But I say to all the folk who read this, it's not who she is. I married her fully knowing there would be shortcomings. But never at this level. NEVER. I am fighting this and riding this roller coaster because I promised I would always love my wife. This is my wife, we shared we cried, heck we even moved on from her affair years ago and ended up having two beautiful children. It's not who she is, this craziness doesn't define her. But really, her ring size!!! And why did she tell me that little nugget of info. Really! He has never met her. Am I wrong in saying there are more powerful forces at work here? This craziness is getting unbearable. I know God is in control, but this is detrimental to the heart. I just can't put two and two together. I don't know what to pray for anymore. Please don't think ill of my wife though, something else is going on. Things just don't unfold this way. Thanks for listening.

How did she answer? If she gave her ring size, your marriage is over. At best, you're her back-up plan until something even better comes along.

You keep saying she's not like this. She's exactly like this.

 

[atwhatcost]

I appreciate them comment Dan58. I am not in denial, I know what this is. And because of this it "Hurts". Real pain, real sorrow, which is partly why I am here venting it out on a forum. And I don't know much, and I don't always get it right but God does say things like "If they slap you turn the other cheek" . In a nutshell, this is a sin. And a horrible one for a marriage. But if I am going to turn the other cheek for a second slap, who better gets the chance than my wife, who In my vows I said in good times and bad, this is the bad. She should not be doing this, but that is exactly what sin is, do something your not supposed to do. Why I have the heart to go this far is beyond even me, but I have gone this far. It would not hurt any less if I lived in other home, other state. Running don't make it feel better. Maybe I will be forced to leave and let be someday, I don't know. But that's my sorrow to carry, and not my justification to not love my wife.

Let me do the math for you.

Cheated. Slapped on left cheek.

Cheated with Floridian. Slapped on right cheek.

Cheated with Mr. England. Slapped on left hind cheek.

Evaluating ring size with Mr. England. Slapped on right hind cheek.

Zero cheeks left.

Jesus never recommended standing there to see how often you could be slapped. You've got the slap thing more than covered.

Have her move out. Keep the kids home with you. (She's unfit to raise them if she can't make up her mind on stupid stuff like this. If she has no clue she isn't supposed to be telling her husband how she's cheating, she probably has no clue why a 14 year old shouldn't get the car for the night. Simple logic.)

I tell you the last part, because if you move out on her, she can get you for desertion and keep the kids.

I'm not one to tell a person to divorce often, but she deserted you ten years ago. She simply hasn't found a better offer, so stays for hearth and home. Don't wait for her better offer because you've got no more cheeks left!

 

[nw2u]

Have to agree with shotgunner. Also, see an attorney if you have't already. Get whatever evidence you need to keep the children, at least most of the time. Don't fabricate anything. Follow what the attorney tells you to do.

Remember, whatever guilt you believe is your's to own does not give her permission to be unfaithful. It may or may not have contributed to the breakdown of the relationship/marriage. However, the choice to be unfaithful is on each of us and unless raped, she made a choice.

Get to a psychologist for help. There are very capable Christian psychologists. You need help for your and your children's sake.

 

[shotgunner]

Have to agree with shotgunner. Also, see an attorney if you have't already. Get whatever evidence you need to keep the children, at least most of the time. Don't fabricate anything. Follow what the attorney tells you to do.

Remember, whatever guilt you believe is your's to own does not give her permission to be unfaithful. It may or may not have contributed to the breakdown of the relationship/marriage. However, the choice to be unfaithful is on each of us and unless raped, she made a choice.

Get to a psychologist for help. There are very capable Christian psychologists. You need help for your and your children's sake.

Big X2 agreement on getting evidence of unfaithfulness. It hard to think of such things with a marriage falling apart but you need to do everything possible to protect your children. Think how hard it would be to have your children living with your ex and some strange man raising them.

 

[nw2u]

Something I have been struggling with fully understanding is this. If a husband is providing for his wife and she is able to go out and live in sin, is he enabling her and just as convicted as she? I'm not sure and am not accusing anyone. Why it bothers me is all OP's worrying about losing his wife could be causing him to fall into sin. I guess I am looking for accurate justification since what has been presented doesn't seem to be doing much to alleviate his pain or cause him to take action.

It is extremely difficult to repair a marriage after infidelity. It is possible. Only someone who has done it successfully can really help you to do that, Tom.

If you want it to stop, exposure is the only way that has a chance of working. I think it's been going on way too long for that to work. You have to be careful to follow the laws of God and your government when doing that. You can find yourself in trouble and losing the right to see your children.

Please, see an attorney if you haven't, and a Christian counselor. My heart goes out to those who have been hurt by infidelity. Children are the biggest losers. Try not to make it worse for them.

 

[tourist]

Something I have been struggling with fully understanding is this. If a husband is providing for his wife and she is able to go out and live in sin, is he enabling her and just as convicted as she? I'm not sure and am not accusing anyone. Why it bothers me is all OP's worrying about losing his wife could be causing him to fall into sin. I guess I am looking for accurate justification since what has been presented doesn't seem to be doing much to alleviate his pain or cause him to take action.

It is extremely difficult to repair a marriage after infidelity. It is possible. Only someone who has done it successfully can really help you to do that, Tom.

If you want it to stop, exposure is the only way that has a chance of working. I think it's been going on way too long for that to work. You have to be careful to follow the laws of God and your government when doing that. You can find yourself in trouble and losing the right to see your children.

Please, see an attorney if you haven't, and a Christian counselor. My heart goes out to those who have been hurt by infidelity. Children are the biggest losers. Try not to make it worse for them.

A good husband should provide for his wife so I don't believe that he is enabling her to sin. A wise husband, in this situation, would consider divorcing a woman who has no qualms about betraying the trust of her husband by cheating on him.

 

[nw2u]

A good husband should provide for his wife so I don't believe that he is enabling her to sin. A wise husband, in this situation, would consider divorcing a woman who has no qualms about betraying the trust of her husband by cheating on him.

Tourist, I didn't mean for Tom to abandon her financially. He does have a responsibility, while married, to see that she has food, clothing and shelter. I just wonder what "providing" actually means? If she has the ability to use finances to accomplish her goals of seeing other men, how much does that convict a husband? Anyway, I don't mean for him to harm her in any manner.