Trust

[cmarieh]

To make a long story short my sister and I have had a pretty solid relationship up to five years ago and she became a person I didn't trust, called me horrible names both to my face and when I wasn't around. She has tried destroying my friendships and controlled who I spoke with and who I didn't, mind you she is younger and my only sibling. I have turned the other cheek and started rebuilding our relationship and began trusting her by saying some things in confidence, big mistake. I just found out she opened her mouth and spilled everything I told her. I feel as though I don't know who I can and can't trust anymore and I don't want this to affect any other friendship I have. Any piece of comfort or advice would be very much appreciated.

 

[JeniBean]

She sounds like she is craving attention at any ones expense including her sister. A sister that by her behaviour and actions she obviously is jealous of. Sadly she has to grow out of this. Which for you means you have to be aware she is like this and simply not trust her. Obviously this is hard, but its harder to be consistently hurt by her. You need to pray for her and for your heart ti nit be hardened by her actions. Please know this may take years for the two of you to be close. Be patient and live her in spite of her flaws; just be smart and guard your trust with her.

 

[cmarieh]

She sounds like she is craving attention at any ones expense including her sister. A sister that by her behaviour and actions she obviously is jealous of. Sadly she has to grow out of this. Which for you means you have to be aware she is like this and simply not trust her. Obviously this is hard, but its harder to be consistently hurt by her. You need to pray for her and for your heart ti nit be hardened by her actions. Please know this may take years for the two of you to be close. Be patient and live her in spite of her flaws; just be smart and guard your trust with her.

Thank you so much. The sad part is she is pregnant and I pray to God for the sake of her unborn child she grows out of this rather quickly. I want to be a part of her life because she is my only sister and always wanted to be just like me. I guess I do have the upper hand because she doesn't know that I know everything. My parents don't really have close relationships with their siblings by no choice of their own and I do want to have that with her. I will always love her no matter what she does, but I do need to be very careful.

 

[Sirk]

Can you give any background on what she might be struggling with. Painful circumstances or anything?

 

[Sirk]

Thank you so much. The sad part is she is pregnant and I pray to God for the sake of her unborn child she grows out of this rather quickly. I want to be a part of her life because she is my only sister and always wanted to be just like me. I guess I do have the upper hand because she doesn't know that I know everything. My parents don't really have close relationships with their siblings by no choice of their own and I do want to have that with her. I will always love her no matter what she does, but I do need to be very careful.

In light of this. I think you have opportunity to help her 'chase her pain'.

 

[cmarieh]

Can you give any background on what she might be struggling with. Painful circumstances or anything?

Honestly, she has been this way since she was fifteen and a few years back it became more directed at me and that was when she was dating her now husband and she turned into a completely different person. He is not abusive or anything and I mean he can't even raise his voice and they constantly talk baby talk with each other. He is 38 and she is 22 and have been married almost two years and had a miscarriage last year, but as I said she was like this before. I know she believes in God, but they both get offended if we talk about the bible or anything related to that so I have no idea.

 

[Sirk]

Honestly, she has been this way since she was fifteen and a few years back it became more directed at me and that was when she was dating her now husband and she turned into a completely different person. He is not abusive or anything and I mean he can't even raise his voice and they constantly talk baby talk with each other. He is 38 and she is 22 and have been married almost two years and had a miscarriage last year, but as I said she was like this before. I know she believes in God, but they both get offended if we talk about the bible or anything related to that so I have no idea.

I think that we have an epidemic of unprocessed pain. People do not know how to care for themselves. As a result, it gets stuffed down in the depths of our beings and later....it comes out sideways. Learning to put words onto our personal pain and then processing it in a safe environment with a trusted person is key to overcoming it. The flip side of it...is that the person has to want it... and has to be willing to put forth the effort chase after it. You can't make someone get to that place. That is where prayer is key.

 

[NikkiK]

When I have a family member that is not a healthy relationship I draw boundaries the best I can. I am careful what I share. I also do not set myself up for disappointments as much as possible. I try and look at what they're struggling with and understand they can only give what they can with what they know. This does not mean I still don't get hurt or that they don't do something wrong. Guarding yourself will be necessary. You should still be kind and treat them with love. Currently I have two people in close relations like this. I keep things cordial and almost formal. It has saved problems but again we cannot control their behaviour and those things may hurt us.

Above all forgiveness...Forgiveness does not mean trust or even reconciling relationships. It is sometimes better to cut off relationships that can be damaging to us until we have the tools to approach it safely.

 

[Angela53510]

I'm sorry to hear you are having such issues with your sister. She sounds like she has a few "problems?"

I think you are right to try and forgive her, but as someone else said, that doesn't mean you can trust her. It is easy to fall back into a routine of trust and friendship with a family member. But until she shows that she actually can be trusted, you just have to realize that you are going to have a superficial relationship with her.

I hope you are able to resolve this enough to keep her friendly enough to enjoy the new baby.

Praying that somehow God works this one out sooner, rather than later.

 

[atwhatcost]

To make a long story short my sister and I have had a pretty solid relationship up to five years ago and she became a person I didn't trust, called me horrible names both to my face and when I wasn't around. She has tried destroying my friendships and controlled who I spoke with and who I didn't, mind you she is younger and my only sibling. I have turned the other cheek and started rebuilding our relationship and began trusting her by saying some things in confidence, big mistake. I just found out she opened her mouth and spilled everything I told her. I feel as though I don't know who I can and can't trust anymore and I don't want this to affect any other friendship I have. Any piece of comfort or advice would be very much appreciated.

I wish I can tell you the magic formula for fixing relationships with siblings. I really can't. (The link is just proof of my inability and proof I'm as confused as you are. I suspect it will help you gain a little understanding, even it doesn't do squat for getting you and your sister back together.)

That said, one thing for sure, if you can't trust her, don't trust her until she becomes trustworthy. Beyond that, I know forgiveness and love is required, but trusting isn't. It's hard. Without God, it's impossible.

 

[cmarieh]

I'm sorry to hear you are having such issues with your sister. She sounds like she has a few "problems?"

I think you are right to try and forgive her, but as someone else said, that doesn't mean you can trust her. It is easy to fall back into a routine of trust and friendship with a family member. But until she shows that she actually can be trusted, you just have to realize that you are going to have a superficial relationship with her.

I hope you are able to resolve this enough to keep her friendly enough to enjoy the new baby.

Praying that somehow God works this one out sooner, rather than later.

Angela, thank you. You have always been there when I needed encouragement or just need to talk and you know I am always here for you too no matter what

I wish I can tell you the magic formula for fixing relationships with siblings. I really can't. (The link is just proof of my inability and proof I'm as confused as you are. I suspect it will help you gain a little understanding, even it doesn't do squat for getting you and your sister back together.)

That said, one thing for sure, if you can't trust her, don't trust her until she becomes trustworthy. Beyond that, I know forgiveness and love is required, but trusting isn't. It's hard. Without God, it's impossible.

Thanks to you as well. The funny thing is I keep thinking "fool me once shame on you, but twice shame on me". I feel as though I did something shameful and I know in my heart I didn't. I love my sister more than anything and will always have her back no matter what. Like yesterday after I found this stuff out she brought over food, but realized the smell of the bread was making her sick so I made her a sandwich because God teaches to love one another as he loved us and was happy to make her life easier as families do. I will not trust anything she says or does, but will continue showing Gods love to her.

I have a tendency to hide my pain and swallow tears as to not express them only in private.

 

[PoetMary]

To make a long story short my sister and I have had a pretty solid relationship up to five years ago and she became a person I didn't trust, called me horrible names both to my face and when I wasn't around. She has tried destroying my friendships and controlled who I spoke with and who I didn't, mind you she is younger and my only sibling. I have turned the other cheek and started rebuilding our relationship and began trusting her by saying some things in confidence, big mistake. I just found out she opened her mouth and spilled everything I told her. I feel as though I don't know who I can and can't trust anymore and I don't want this to affect any other friendship I have. Any piece of comfort or advice would be very much appreciated.

I've never understood why the world presumes that siblings (particularly siblings of the same gender) are somehow meant to be "besties." My older sister and I have never been close. She was a bit of a horror growing up, which was very hard on me because I shared a room with her. We're also 14 months apart, so had a similar social set in school at times.

Well into adulthood she was pretty vile to me. I went a very traditional route and got my college degree well before she got hers, and that made her envious. She had a child...it didn't chill her out. Later, she went back to school, got her degree, and started a successful career. That chilled her out a little. It wasn't, however, until she married a man (whom we all love) that she really became a nicer person.

Unfortunately, 25 years or more of her meanness wore me out. She's a decent human being now, but I don't really trust her. We don't have a lot in common, and our personalities are quite different. I don't dislike her, but she's not part of my inner circle. And I'm okay with that. She's a rather high-energy, high-maintenance sort of person, so the idea of a deep relationship with her kind of exhausts me, to be honest.

On the other hand, my youngest brother and I get on like gangbusters.

Part of what you may have to die to here is some kind of expectation of a relationship with your sister that won't be happening. It seems like a lot of the suffering that people experience regarding their families comes from their own expectations and ideas of what those relationships should be like.

 

[atwhatcost]

Angela, thank you. You have always been there when I needed encouragement or just need to talk and you know I am always here for you too no matter what



Thanks to you as well. The funny thing is I keep thinking "fool me once shame on you, but twice shame on me". I feel as though I did something shameful and I know in my heart I didn't. I love my sister more than anything and will always have her back no matter what. Like yesterday after I found this stuff out she brought over food, but realized the smell of the bread was making her sick so I made her a sandwich because God teaches to love one another as he loved us and was happy to make her life easier as families do. I will not trust anything she says or does, but will continue showing Gods love to her.

I have a tendency to hide my pain and swallow tears as to not express them only in private.

I lost count of how many times I was fooled by my brother. We tend to get bigger blind spots with family.

I'm not ashamed though. I'm an optimist. That may well mean I get hurt more often by reality, but I'd still prefer being an optimist then a pessimist. I get to spend the lottery winnings right up until I find out I didn't win. (And considering I'm counting on it blowing into my hand, I never see I didn't win. lol)

 

[tourist]

I believe that your sister is very unhappy with her life and that she is jealous of the life that you have.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Rule #1: If you're not sure you can trust someone, then you probably already don't. And if you're not sure, definitely don't tell them stuff that they can air later to others. :/ Personally, I think you should tell her straight up that you don't trust her and why.

 

[Willie-T]

I think you may have explained a lot of her behavior when you said she was pregnant. One thing I learned many years ago is to forget expecting rational behavior from a pregnant woman... and sometimes, also, for many months after delivery. In many cases, it just ain't gonna happen.

 

[mailmandan]

Rule #1: If you're not sure you can trust someone, then you probably already don't. And if you're not sure, definitely don't tell them stuff that they can air later to others. :/ Personally, I think you should tell her straight up that you don't trust her and why.

I have a younger sister who I can't share anything personal with. Everything that I say to her seems to go in one ear and out her mouth, so I don't talk to her that much about anything. Families.

 

[NikkiK]

Reading all this from people I have seen on here the past couple months and think are pretty level headed people...I think to myself, wow, I am not alone!

I like what PoetMary said that society places this expectation on us that our siblings are supposed to be besties. I think same goes for mother daughter as well.

 

[MollyConnor]

This might sound harsh, but it once you realize it, it really helps. Everyone in your life will eventually hurt you (even if it's just a minor thing) except God. Think about it. It's true. No one is perfect and only God can be our rock to stand firm on. No one else is sturdy enough for us. Yes, we can have beautiful relationships with family members and friends but because they are humans, they will eventually hurt us...sometimes without even knowing it.

But I don't think that your sister did the right thing in telling others your business. I think that's wrong and you cannot trust her. It takes a lot of time to rebuild trust and she just blew it to pieces by breaking it.

I think you need to keep a distance, don't avoid her, she is after all, family. But be careful and use discretion.

Also, the first paragraph is to let you know that you can trust others. You just need to realize that just because someone does something wrong, it doesn't mean that they shouldn't be trusted. It's human nature to be wrong at times.

What your sister did wasn't right, I'm not condoning it, but don't think that just because others might hurt you in the future, you cannot trust them. It's inevitable that others will do you wrong. That's just how life in a sinful world works, unfortunately.

Remember when Peter denied Jesus three times? We know that Peter loved his friend, Jesus, but he still did wrong in denying him. Why did he do it? Because humans are not perfect. He was afraid.

I remember when I realized all this, it was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I no longer longed for a perfect man but I realized that my future spouse wasn't going to be perfect. Even my relationship with friends and family changed. I don't expect so much from them now because I know they are on the same boat as I. We are all humans and in dire need of a savior. I can't depend on them for acceptance and love 100%. I can get some of it from family but not the amount that I need. I can only get that from the Lord Jesus.

I hope this made sense.

Blessings to you my dear friend! I'm sorry you had to go through all this again.

 

[MarcR]

To make a long story short my sister and I have had a pretty solid relationship up to five years ago and she became a person I didn't trust, called me horrible names both to my face and when I wasn't around. She has tried destroying my friendships and controlled who I spoke with and who I didn't, mind you she is younger and my only sibling. I have turned the other cheek and started rebuilding our relationship and began trusting her by saying some things in confidence, big mistake. I just found out she opened her mouth and spilled everything I told her. I feel as though I don't know who I can and can't trust anymore and I don't want this to affect any other friendship I have. Any piece of comfort or advice would be very much appreciated.

I believe that Matt 18:21-22
21 Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?
22 Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven. KJV

clearly indicates that you should forgive her and try to relate to her cordially; however trust must be earned and she hasn't earned yours.