Wife leaves 30 years of marriage

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philsbs

Guest
#1
#1
Nine weeks ago my wife of 30 years, without notice, woke up and said she didn't want to live with me anymore. Served me with papers in January. Since I've searched to find out what went wrong and the diagnosis seems to be midlife crisis. She just didn't care about anything, wanted out now. There was absolutly nothing I could say or do. She left our home, the dogs, and everything that we built together, and barely communicates with our children. I pray for her every day. I feel fortunate that our youngest is out of the house, although its very lonely around here.
I felt the drawn to go to church were I found good people who cared and am getting closer to God. I get counseling from one of the pastors about once a week. I looked for support groups, but none in the area, so I did some reasearch and found Divorcecare to be one of the best and am working with someone to start a group in this area. I'm doing everything I can(reading the Bible and lots of prayer) to help ease some pain but sometimes it gets unbearable. I found the best help was to talk about it to someone that has bee through it. They say things will get better although its hard to believe now. Anyone have any suggestions?
 
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OreoSoleil

Guest
#2
#2
It isn't easy -- I can tell you that. I am younger than you, but gone through a tough seperation -- i have his newborn baby now.

What happened is God gave me strength -- I prayed everyday for that. For Wisdom and for God to change my heart and bring wise counsel to me and people who He wanted to love me. Six months later -- it is still tough, but I see progress and God is still here with me. Helping me learn how He loves -- Jesus' love is nothing like our love. Study the scriptures -- I recomment David -- Job -- Jonah -- the book of Isaiah. Study them with commentary -- God gives us so much hope in the Bible -- hope even after we see our sin and short comings. God will mend your heart and heal it.

I pray for God to heal my heart to this day and make like His. I want a great life for us -- so I just pray for God's Will, because I see -- I can't fix this. Only God can change a heart -- and the reality is. Our heart the way it is wants to settle, God really has more instore for us -- with our old partner, without a partner, or with someone He has prepared for us.

Hope this encouraged you. This is not an easy topic and it is painful. Message any time you need to just vent.
 
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philsbs

Guest
#3
#3
Thank you for the encouraging words. I will study the scripture you recommended.
You will be in my prayers.
 
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OreoSoleil

Guest
#4
#4
wow -- that was a little harsh towards someone who is hurting.
 
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AJ52

Guest
#5
#5
oreo...some ppl think they are perfect...its the way it is
 
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NodMyHeadLikeYeah

Guest
#6
#6
AJ52 said:
oreo...some ppl think they are perfect...its the way it is
Click to expand...

Yes, i agree. I think im perfect. That is why i wrote what i did. Im glad you expossed me for the perfect person i really am. Now i dont have to go around telling everyone.
 
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NodMyHeadLikeYeah

Guest
#7
#7
OreoSoleil said:
wow -- that was a little harsh towards someone who is hurting.
Click to expand...

Im sorry you feel that it was, but do you have children? Have you ever been married?? If either of these is a yes in your case, you might be able to understand why i wrote what i did. I have nothing further to say on this thread.
 
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AJ52

Guest
#8
#8
NodMyHeadLikeYeah said:
Yes, i agree. I think im perfect. That is why i wrote what i did. Im glad you expossed me for the perfect person i really am. Now i dont have to go around telling everyone.
Click to expand...
no problem :D
 
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shanaynay-deleted

Guest
#9
#9
NodMyHeadLikeYeah said:
Im sorry you feel that it was, but do you have children? Have you ever been married?? If either of these is a yes in your case, you might be able to understand why i wrote what i did. I have nothing further to say on this thread.
Click to expand...
You've got to be kidding me! Brash must be the style these days. Barfs... Somebody turn the light on please!
 
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philsbs

Guest
#10
#10
Our marriage had its ups and downs and I was far from perfect. I see now that I took her for granted and failed in not meeting her needs. I'm not blaming her. It just seems something has taken over her. She was looking for things to make her happy and nothing was helping. She said she doesn't want to be responsible for me, our children, or our grandchildren. She started searching for high school classmates, changing her looks, and doing things she's never done before. I did a search on the symptoms and they match midlife crisis. After reading about it I am very worried about her.
 
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OreoSoleil

Guest
#11
#11
NodMyHeadLikeYeah said:
Im sorry you feel that it was, but do you have children? Have you ever been married?? If either of these is a yes in your case, you might be able to understand why i wrote what i did. I have nothing further to say on this thread.
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yep, been married. I have 2 children
 
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charm1110

Guest
#12
#12
philsbs,

You're not alone brother...my wife did not leave but has and still does display some similiar behaviors. I will pray for the restoration of your home and marriage. I have found help here that has led me to a much closer relationship with God. The best thing I think you can do is forgive her and depend on God to bring His peace to you.
 
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OreoSoleil

Guest
#13
#13
philsbs said:
Our marriage had its ups and downs and I was far from perfect. I see now that I took her for granted and failed in not meeting her needs. I'm not blaming her. It just seems something has taken over her. She was looking for things to make her happy and nothing was helping. She said she doesn't want to be responsible for me, our children, or our grandchildren. She started searching for high school classmates, changing her looks, and doing things she's never done before. I did a search on the symptoms and they match midlife crisis. After reading about it I am very worried about her.
Click to expand...

You have a caring heart -- she needs you to pray for her. Check out romans -- 1-5 really help us see how God gives us to our carnal ways -- in ch. 5 -- he clearly states that. Pray for God to open her eyes and break her to see her sin as God does. But also pray for yourself. For God to work on your heart and change what He needs to change in you. You are correct -- it takes 2 people to mess up a relationship -- we as humans mess things up. Give your burden to God -- this isn't easy -- it is something you must do everyday -- and wait on Him -- that meaning -- just pray and help him strengthen your faith.

The focus isn't on your or her sins anymore -- just have God work on your heart to forgive her and forgive yourself.
 
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imoss

Banned
#14
Feb 27, 2007
3,179
19
0
#14
hey Phil, welcome to cc and please do disregard the imaturity of some posters. I've been with my husband for 19 years & couldnt imagine what you are going through. All the advise I'd give you, you are already doing. I guess focus on Phil for awhile, try not to be lonely... do the things that give you joy. Romans 8:28 applies and The Lord is working this out for good in that you are here and you are spending more time in fellowship. I just pray spiritual blessings to you as you grow in the Lord. Bless your heart with healing & bless your marriage with restoration if this is Gods will for you.
 
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sistersue

Guest
#15
#15
I think nodding my head like ya should be reported, but I don't know how. Some people come on these web sites only to hurt and abuse people.

It is true your wife may have been hurting a long time and never let you know. Who knows. It doesn't make your loss hurt less. Hold strong to your faith! God has a plan and he will use all the things in your life for good, even the things that hurt. Especially the things that hurt. I will pray for you.
 
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imoss

Banned
#16
Feb 27, 2007
3,179
19
0
#16
sister sue, top right corner of peoples posts you can add reputation to them by clicking rep or report the post by clicking rap & then there is a box for your comments. when you click on control panel it shows your recent subscribed threads and below that it lists reputation you may have received for posts. I'll add rep for your post & you can see how it works. Welcome to Christian Chat!
 
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cvallee45

Guest
#17
#17
Iwant to pray for you and your wife that left that God may give you the peace ,comfort and direction to cope with this situation. If you would lie to know more about me please go www.cvallee45.blogspot.com

God Bless and take care,

Sincerely,

Charles Vallee
 
MahogonySnail

MahogonySnail

Banned
#18
Jan 8, 2009
7,576
23
0
#18
philsbs you've had a good run that many other men would die for. Count your blessings. Sounds like you are doing all the right things, and don't be too hard on yourself or blame yourself these things happen. Paul in his letters wrote that he would spare people the sufferings of marriage if he could, but you've made that choice and you should look to the future not to the past. Your wife may come back, she may not. It's all in God's hands. If God didn't think you could handle it He would not have let it happen to you. All things are for a purpose. You do have brighter future ahead in Jesus' name.
 
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shad

Guest
#19
#19
NodMyHeadLikeYeah said:
i find it hard to believe all of a sudden your wife just woke up one morning and decided, hmm after 30 years of marriage im going to leave my husband and not talk to my children anymore. I wouldnt chalk that up to a midlife crisis! Some times men are bliss fully unaware of a situation. Your wife might have been miserable for a long time and you probably didnt know it. Im not trying to be rude, i just think it would have to take something pretty serious to make a woman leave her husband AND children after thirty years.
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What happened to you to make you feel so strongly in this matter? I went to Canada to talk with a man that requested a visit, he was a paralyzed from the waste down for about (10) years and had been married for 25 years. His wife was tired of taking care of him and did not like the prospect of what it took to fulfill each other in the marriage bed. He was very honest and broken and wanted to get his wife back who had separated and was dating another man. This man had suffered not just from his injuries but also from not being able to fulfill his wife as a man from before his accident. He was going to be like this for the rest of his life and now without his wife. They had lived like this for (10) years and I understand in a measure how they both must feel but what is the solution?
 
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nanabean

Guest
#20
#20
philsbs said:
Nine weeks ago my wife of 30 years, without notice, woke up and said she didn't want to live with me anymore. Served me with papers in January. Since I've searched to find out what went wrong and the diagnosis seems to be midlife crisis. She just didn't care about anything, wanted out now. There was absolutly nothing I could say or do. She left our home, the dogs, and everything that we built together, and barely communicates with our children. I pray for her every day. I feel fortunate that our youngest is out of the house, although its very lonely around here.
I felt the drawn to go to church were I found good people who cared and am getting closer to God. I get counseling from one of the pastors about once a week. I looked for support groups, but none in the area, so I did some reasearch and found Divorcecare to be one of the best and am working with someone to start a group in this area. I'm doing everything I can(reading the Bible and lots of prayer) to help ease some pain but sometimes it gets unbearable. I found the best help was to talk about it to someone that has bee through it. They say things will get better although its hard to believe now. Anyone have any suggestions?
Click to expand...
NodMyHeadLikeYeah said:
i find it hard to believe all of a sudden your wife just woke up one morning and decided, hmm after 30 years of marriage im going to leave my husband and not talk to my children anymore. I wouldnt chalk that up to a midlife crisis! Some times men are bliss fully unaware of a situation. Your wife might have been miserable for a long time and you probably didnt know it. Im not trying to be rude, i just think it would have to take something pretty serious to make a woman leave her husband AND children after thirty years.
Click to expand...
OreoSoleil said:
wow -- that was a little harsh towards someone who is hurting.
Click to expand...
Hi everyone....there are too many posts I want to "quote" so I may have to say my peice in a coupla posts of my own! First of all, Philsbs......My heart goes out to you and your wife and your children, because no matter who or what is the reasoning behind these circumstances, everyone hurts in some way in these situations. I have prayed for you all and will continue.

And now to risk my head to be chewed off, but I do understand where Nodmyheadlikeyeah may be coming from, to some extent. She may have worded it...."softer" ?? but I think I get it. I know from the perspective of being married to Papabean for almost 25 years now, I cannot imagine "just waking up and not wanting to live with him anymore"......I would have to imagine other things would have had to have lead up to this moment of truly deciding to leave it all. Also, that there were surely "signs" of trouble, or discontent...even if they may have been missed???


BRB!!!
 
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